My mental health is destroying my marriage

[WorstWitch2022]

Name-change. I'm 38, recently diagnosed autistic (I only mention it because it's relevant to how I react to things), have a 5 year old and a 5 month old DCs, married for 8 years, usually happy and mutually supportive relationship but tends to be more 60-40 towards him supporting me emotionally/mentally as he is more robust, I am slightly higher earner and on mat leave, both bereaved of close family members in past 6 months. A lot going on, then. Plus baby hates sleep.

I'm incredibly depressed, on meds and on list for counselling, having very intrusive thoughts and almost at the point of making plans. I think DH is reaching the end of his tether with me. I don't blame him. The atmosphere at home is horrible. Snapping or passive aggressive. No family or friends able to help with childcare. DH has said he won't apply for a promotion because he doesn't have the mental energy or resources in him at the moment. I'm not surprised but I'm devastated that I've gone from being his pillar of support and cheerleader to the reason he can't progress in life. He does so much for the family, takes on many of the stereotypical "mum" roles, while I crumble. This can't go on. My poor babies.

I am the problem but I am stuck inside myself and lost in my own selfish despair. If I left the family home it would put even more onto him and devastate the kids of course. I don't know how to get better or if it's even possible anymore. Please believe that I have tried and I am trying but I am lost. I am scared of how toxic I am.

Has anyone successfully changed themselves from being selfish to being a good wife & mother, and if so, how did you do it?

can you afford any help with childcare? Babies have a huge impact on family dynamics and cause chaos in the best of relationships

tiredness affects our mood hugely and I remember myself the difference in me was night and day when I finally got the opportunity to sleep through - I could tackle the day better

post on the other boards for advice re the sleeping

also can you go back to your gp? For a meds review?

thos will all pass - it’s temporary

how about telling dh that he should have a night out or something?

you both need to get out by the sounds of it so if finances permit can you not book a local sitter?

can you afford a cleaner?

You are not toxic - you aren't well. I don't have much time to reply just now but you need to start looking outwards for support and I would really recommend counselling. You may be experiencing autistic burnout - do some googling and look to see if that fits how you are feeling. I will take some time to look up your thread later. Please know that you aren't alone in how you are feeling- I have felt very much the same as you.

If you've recently been dx as autistic I would suspect you're suffering from autistic burnout, brought on by your autism not being supported and the stress of work, children, lack of sleep etc.
if I were you I'd be looking at the set up you have and look for ways of lightening your load. Whether it be going part time at work, stopping work altogether, changing job, getting in more child care, a cleaner etc etc. whatever you decide your family - children and husband will NOT able better off without you - they will definitely be better off with you finding a way out of your current situation and feeling happier/more settled.

Is there anyway you can afford to send the baby to nursery for a couple of days or half days? Does your health visitor know how you are feeling? Maybe they could sign post you to some help.

You are not selfish - if you were you would not have written this post.
my questions would be - are you meds right? What other help out there is there eg help with baby? Sleep can make such a massive difference. So someone to come at night maybe? It take the baby in the day for 2 hours while you sleep. A sitter could do that.
could you use some savings to get more support/Councelling?
Both of you could go the Gp together and get some advice
Its not uncommon for women with PND to feel their husband doesn’t like them. Usually the husbands are overwhelmed and want to ‘fix’ the situation. But that’s not immediately possible.

Bowled over by your replies; thank you. I was sure I'd be flamed and I think part of me wanted to be so that I could justify feeling worse.

I would love a cleaner but the house is a mess and needs a deep tidy and clean before i could let someone in to do normal cleaning. We're part way through a minor renovation which has ground to a halt. It's not dangerous or unsanitary but it's horrible. It's also one of the reasons I couldn't let a babysitter in. I could look at local ones who have children in their homes I guess. It makes me feel a bit sick the thought of the baby going to a stranger but I know I need to do something.

I have a medication review booked in for the first week of the new year, which was the earliest available.

Autistic burnout makes a lot of sense, yes. I think I will have to look for private counselling but it's hard to find autistic specific providers. I contacted a couple who were listed on the National Autistic Society website but no response so far. Also checked the BACP site and same issue. There is pretty much zero post diagnostic support in my area from the NHS, unless the person has complex and/or multi agency support needs. I understand this and absolutely want those people to get support as a priority but it's still hard to be left in the wilderness due to lack of local provision.

Really appreciate all of your kind replies. It'I des hard to feel like I deserve them.

Sorry for mega paragraphs, not sure what's gone on there!

Op

keep the faith - you will get through this

do you go out at all? Do you go to any mother and baby groups?

can you try and get some daylight each day by walking the baby?

cleaners offer deep cleans - why not do something like that as a gift to yourself? They have seen it all and I’m sure yours won’t be as bad as you think……

how often is your baby waking up on a night?

You don't sound toxic, OP, you sound really really down and despairing. And that's not a crime.
Could you be using your poor mental health as a stick to beat yourself with? I used to do it all the time.
I'd think about how shit I was as I couldn't do a, b or c, and how not achieving x, y or z made me a total failure. I applied that rule of thumb to everything, big or small. I'd sit on the end of the bed for 2 hours after waking up as I just couldn't face the day. I was similar to you, started making plans.
Eventually after the anti depressants kicked in, and reading loads of self help stuff, I was more philosophical and less hard on myself. If I got up and got dressed, that's a big step. Spray a bit of perfume on? Self care! Actually manage to eat breakfast? Awesome job, self! I'd cheerlead myself through every tiny thing. Even if breakfast was the height of achievement for the day. It felt ridiculous at first, but it's no more ridiculous than what I was doing beating myself up mercilessly because I was ill. Depression really effects your thinking in ways you can't see at the time. I hope you feel better soon. I promise you your babies love you, flaws and all! X

Your not selfish
your very self aware

but autism’s a tricky fucker to live with and so is early parenting

personally I’d call the GP and say
I’m having suicidal thoughts and im
not coping and I cannot wait till January for a med review

if that’s doesn’t work call NHS 111 and they el refer you

make it more of an emergency
and be brutally honest

yes it might bring in SS and that
means help

you need counselling and you need meds that can help shift this

im on a very good womens support page for autism on Facebook , it’s a potential support

then the boring one . Exercise
it helps ! Start taking small steps

its so easy to type and less easy to do

but GP as priority

OP you’ve got a lot on.

my cleaner tidies too - an untidy home wouldn’t phase her and I’ve no doubt the majority of cleaners would too.

To be fair with a new baby it’s a bad time to add things to your plate anyway, so I think your DH not taking a promotion is pretty sensible.

It sounds horribly familiar OP, but I can offer hope that it can and will get better.

Absolutely agree with PP about sleep. I found the boots sleeping tablets did wonders for me, they are just an antihistamine and I slept better knowing they were there. Even if it is one night a week where DH agrees to do the kids night waking so you can knock yourself out. I've never felt foggy on them the next morning if I take them before 10pm.

The next big step is to reframe your negative thoughts. We are so hard on ourselves! So instead of focusing on the bad, what have you achieved today? Brushed your teeth, fed everyone, kept everyone alive- excellent work! I lived by the motto "everyone fed, no one dead" for about 18mo.

Have you got any talking therapies booked? If you're in England look up your local IAPT mental health service for.some CBT. Will really help with the negative thinking.

It will get better OP

Agree with PP, start to be kinder to yourself, lower demands on yourself, lower expectations and standards for this period of you life. If you can afford it get a cleaner (no need to clean first- if you feel it needs extra cleaning to begin with you could pay for a couple of extra hours?). I got a cleaner for the first 18+ months of baby despite being at home and no job. I too am autistic and struggled with severe sleep deprivation - what got me through was the mantra it won't stay like this forever! I also realised I am very sensitive to hormones and they can make me crazy/depressed- once I understood this it helped me deal with the low points better.

I'd recommend a CBT self help book like 'feeling good' by David burns. You don't have to wait, leave the house or interact with others to get some initial therapy.

Find some sensory treats too - be it comfy clothing, nice food, posh shampoo or moisturiser, new bed linen. Treat yourself to things that make you feel good.

Say something nice or appreciative to your partner at least a couple of times a day (assuming they are supportive etc) and communicate honestly and openly.

It will get better and you will have lots of lovely things to look forward to with your baby but for now take it easy and be kind to yourself.

Just to say I've not disappeared, I'm reading and re-reading your kind replies and giving them time to settle in my busy brain. I think I need to take a 2 pronged approach: 1) change in mindset about myself and others to be kinder, more forgiving and demonstrably grateful; 2) concrete actions like look into cleaner, therapy, books in the meantime.

Posted too soon! Need to break things down into manageable chunks. If I could just get the baby to nap in the cot instead of on me...!

If you had a brain tumour would you give yourself such a hard time? you are ill and your can't help this.

So let me help you with a plan:
GP appointment immediately
Medication may need adjustments
Does your work have an employee assistance scheme/and or are you in any health schemes?
Can you get into the fresh air for a while today?
Can you get some form of help such as a cleaner etc

I have been in your situation and I have a good job, three happy thriving children and my husband has a great job. I
literally could have written your post. You are so hard on yourself.

WorstWitch2022 Thats an excellent list; I'd also add CBT. I can see a couple of examples of black and white thinking and catastrophic thinking in your posts, they are just thinking habits and they can be changed.

You haven't stopped your DH progressing in life. You have a medical condition that has flared up. This is temporary.
Your DH is an adult and he doesn't need a cheerleader. A cleaner and laundry service would remove a chunk of his responsibilities at home.
You don't need to clean your house to have a cleaner. Find someone who can come in and help you organise and clean, even if its just for an hour twice a week. You might have to ring round a few to find the right person.

Please talk to your GP today. Tell them what you wrote here.

WorstWitch2022

An we add a GP appt to that list x

We are all saying this because we’ve been there
and we know how stressful it is to

call surgery
get appt
manage kids with appt
prwpare for appt and what you say
handle the anxiety of maybe the appt won’t help

Honestly, what saved me was finding the right meds. It took a while but I did it. I went from suicidal burden to active, successful parent. Even when my DH died suddenly I was able to cope and it's all because I found the right meds. Best of luck, OP. You can do this.

I'm bipolar and have been in the situation you describe. For me it absolutely helps to actively buy in help to reduce my load. And I need to not look for obstacles in the way. So if my entire has had been a mess and I am struggling to cope with everything the Knock in effect is that our diets suffer, washing piles up etc. It really helps for me to get cleaners WITHOUT doing at the bit it's a mess/I'm so ashamed/everybody will judge me bollocks . I actually went out and bought 64 litre tubs and left one in each room. If a cleaner isn't sure where something goes, it goes in the box. Other than that I leave them to get on with it, it's easier if I go out for the day with the kids and I leave my DH at home. The team of cleaners I get go from room to room. They even take the dirty washing with them and return it a few days later. Is not cheap, I spend about £300 but it's absurdly worth it when I'm at the end of my teeter. Then when I get home it's a matter of sorting out what's in the boxes.

Then I can better cook. Do washing. I just FEEL better

Your kindness is overwhelming. Thank you, everyone, truly.

Little update: first therapy session booked for before Christmas; also got a CBT workbook specifically for autistic people; did a bit of housework; asked DH for help; GP not massively helpful but they can't do much as I'm signer up to therapy and not currently a danger to myself or anyone else.

Still a way to go but no ideation for the past 2 days. GP has given phone numbers for crisis te
am etc.

Thank you all.

That's a very positive update.
I didn't know you can get CBT workbooks specifically for autistic people, someone else might read this thread and find that info helpful.

Wow, so many typos, sorry, the site keeps glitching on my phone.

The book is called Cognitive Behavioural Therapy For Adults with Autism Spectrum Disorder and is by Valerie L Gaus.