Name-change. I'm 38, recently diagnosed autistic (I only mention it because it's relevant to how I react to things), have a 5 year old and a 5 month old DCs, married for 8 years, usually happy and mutually supportive relationship but tends to be more 60-40 towards him supporting me emotionally/mentally as he is more robust, I am slightly higher earner and on mat leave, both bereaved of close family members in past 6 months. A lot going on, then. Plus baby hates sleep.
I'm incredibly depressed, on meds and on list for counselling, having very intrusive thoughts and almost at the point of making plans. I think DH is reaching the end of his tether with me. I don't blame him. The atmosphere at home is horrible. Snapping or passive aggressive. No family or friends able to help with childcare. DH has said he won't apply for a promotion because he doesn't have the mental energy or resources in him at the moment. I'm not surprised but I'm devastated that I've gone from being his pillar of support and cheerleader to the reason he can't progress in life. He does so much for the family, takes on many of the stereotypical "mum" roles, while I crumble. This can't go on. My poor babies.
I am the problem but I am stuck inside myself and lost in my own selfish despair. If I left the family home it would put even more onto him and devastate the kids of course. I don't know how to get better or if it's even possible anymore. Please believe that I have tried and I am trying but I am lost. I am scared of how toxic I am.
Has anyone successfully changed themselves from being selfish to being a good wife & mother, and if so, how did you do it?