Is ‘good enough’ enough?

[DaftdoubleDaffodil]

Hi all,

I guess that’s the question! but to give some context;

Im 38, my DP is at the top end of ‘good enough’ but we don’t have that deep deep connection you see in films (I don’t have that ‘this is the one’ feeling, but I do love him and I’m happy). I know a few people who are happy and have openly said they have settled, usually because they want kids, but they’re happy. And I know a lot of single people who are desperately kissing frogs in hope one becomes a prince, but seemingly failing. And I know one person who has given up on relationships and is now pregnant via IVF.

It all makes me wonder…. Do we expect too much? Has Hollywood/social media make us want the impossible? Is ‘good enough’ actually perfectly good enough… none of us are perfection after all!

It's an interesting question, I guess it depends on the woman's personality and what is important to her, although I'm currently experiencing the butterflies/deep connection type love one year in and I'm now feeling lucky to have found this in my late 30s

I don't believe in "the one" or "soulmates" or similar. I love DH and he loves me and we've been happy together for 25 years now. I don't feel the the mad passionate desire promoted in the movies, but I wouldn't say I've "settled" - I've chosen something comfortable and stable and kind and caring and joyful. That IS the real thing in my opinion!

I do think expecting a Hollywood relationship is unrealistic. None of us are perfect like you said. The top end of good, in love and happy? Sounds amazing.

I think you have to be realistic, no-one is perfect, we all have our faults. If you thought you had found the perfect man you might find you are disappointed later on.

DH and I share values and interests, he complements my deficits (executive functioning) and I complement his (rigidity/fear of the unknown), we have a great sex life still after 10 years, he’s dependable and works hard.

Is he romantic? Rarely. Do I get pissed off about things? Probably daily.

We’re very happy and a close to perfect as its possible to be IMO.

The hollywood sizzle does exist…. But i’ve found it fizzles with time.

What then happens is that you are left wondering where the fizzle went and start looking to rekindle as though something is missing, or step out of the relationship looking for the sizzle elsewhere, thinking it should be there, not thinking it was a bonus at the start of things.

Maybe that means i settled for a great relationship without sizzle, but it’s lasted far longer than any other relationship i’ve had and i feel very lucky that my life partner isn’t any of the kind of horrible partner we read about on mn, and i use mn to check my own behaviour sometimes too.

@Luckydip1 - totally agree. Your username feels very appropriate too, finding a partner feels a lot like a lucky dip lol.

@Bard6817 Me too. When I was at university I had a ‘thing’ with a ‘bad boy’. It was all passion and so so much fun…. But it fizzled out (thankfully!). He ended up getting married, having a baby then getting divorce to someone all within about 18 months, from what mutual friends say he no longer sees his daughter & he’s a fairly rubbish Dad.

@Raveon2000 Hope it goes well! I work with a few women who met their partners in their late 30s/early 40s. I do love my DP, but 12 years on the butterflies have flown so I make do with the occasional ‘yeah he’s still alright’ feeling lol!

There's a lot of space in between the "Hollywood passion" that's sold to us in films, and settling with someone you don't really fancy.

I don't really believe in soulmates, The One, and have always thought film romance was bollocks. I think I'm too level-headed or cynical to really feel "head-over-heels passion" (and "butterflies" are usually just lust) but I'm also certain that I love DP in my own way, and that it deepens every year. It sounds more boring than passion but love is more about comfort to me.

On the other end of the scale there are all too many people who settled with someone they didn't especially fancy and didn't have any sort of connection with - because they thought no one else would want them, because they were desperate for kids. And that's a recipe for unhappiness (unless both parties are on the same page and businesslike about the whole thing, I guess, though that still doesn't sound like fun).

But it's a continuum, not a binary. To me working out the answer was all about taking time. It took me about five years to be really, really certain that I was in it for life with DP. I gather that most people would consider this too long but luckily he was patient (and as we didn't want kids there was no time pressure).

Yes I do think romance novels and films have possibly ruined real life for me. I always wanted that black and white film kind of passionate soulmate kind of love - I thought I had it in STBEXH but actually has he got older it just all felt rathe lack lustre really. Currently going through a divorce and feel sad I might never find "the one" but also existed in a way

You've been watching too many films.

There you go, OP, @gentlemanjay has dismissively spoken and that's the matter settled.

Actually, i think it's a really interesting question, because it speaks to what we are teaching ourselves, and our children, about what to expect in life wrt love and happiness. Does all the Disney romance digested as a child lead to higher expectations? And does it result in more dissatisfaction when your whole romantic life isn't butterflies? But then again, people want to watch that, because it reminds them if when they had butterflies, or because there is a chance it might happen to you...

And I would imagine the line is different for everyone in terms of how much importance they place on passion vs stability. That's what makes it so tricky, you only have your gut to rely on.

I think it is. In my twenties I read a book called The Road Less Travelled and there was a relaly eye-opening chapter in it about the difference between being 'in love' and 'love' which changed my attitude forever and instantly improved the kind of man I'd date. 'In love' is butterflies, a sort of heady mania, talking all night long. It's not sustainable long term. If you think 'in love' is real love, you will keep drifting looking for The One.

Love is calmer, stronger, permanent. It can embrace the dull stuff of life. It understands that a hiuge part of life together involves wrangling kids and putting out the bins and taking the cat to the vet. It values and appreciates soemone who is happy to go on the long haul journey with you - someone kind and calm and trustworthy. Really really values them. Not 'he's boring but safe and a good dad.' You have to choose to love and make a life with a good man. Once that decision is wholehearted, life improves.

If you have a man who is trustworthy, kind, loving, responsible, plans for and anticipates a long future with you, you can then, within that, start to build the life you really want. E.g. DH is all those things but super cautious and tame. I didn't want a boring life of wet weeks in Wales as our annual holidays so I just started booking us more adventurous holidays. He'd panic and I'd say I was taking care of the details. Now he trusts me to get it right. We've slept under the stars on camel treks in the Sahara, climbed ice-capped mountains to stay in a Buddhist monastery, swum in thermal pools on tiny islands. I bring that drive to the marriage and he brings a gorgeous, big-bear security and solidity.

The thing with 'good-enough' is, it's a really striong basis for making things even better. You talk with your partner and discuss what you both really want from life and support eachother in making that happen.

There's no such thing as a perfect partner, that's nature. People who are forever single/never settle usually are because they have impossibly high standards. You also have to be realistic about what you bring to the table yourself...

I’m bit confused. I haven’t watched many romcoms, but usually they are about beautiful woman, guy being obsessed with her looks and then having sex.

Like how does any of this correlate to real life loving relationship?
I don’t want someone who just sees looks and wants to stick their dick in me.

What are you really looking for or perhaps missing@DaftdoubleDaffodil ?

What are the parts of romance mivies or novels you want in real life?

That is such an eloquent wise comment! Pretty much how I see it too.

Chemistry and butterflies happen when there is unpredictability. So much of early dating excitement is actually just a drop of sexual desire combined with a huge dose of anxiety when you're still unsure of whether they want you or not. The most intense relationships are usually the toxic ones because the lows make the highs feel that much more intense. You're on a carousel hanging on for dear life so when it's good it's exhilarating and makes the shitty parts feel worthwhile.

By contrast, when someone is consistently loving and kind and doesn't put you through a rollercoaster of emotion things might feel a little dull, a little flat in comparison. But you can reframe dull as peaceful and cozy.

I'd pick compatibility, kindness and trustworthiness over chemistry and excitement any day.

….the difference between being 'in love' and 'love' which changed my attitude forever and instantly improved the kind of man I'd date. 'In love' is butterflies, a sort of heady mania, talking all night long. It's not sustainable long term. If you think 'in love' is real love, you will keep drifting looking for The One.

Love is calmer, stronger, permanent. It can embrace the dull stuff of life…..

…It values and appreciates soemone who is happy to go on the long haul journey with you - someone kind and calm and trustworthy. Really really values them…..

Are you telling me there are people, real grown up’s, out there who do not realize this?
What the hell are they expecting then?

Isin’t the point and what should be the best part of a relationship, that someone wants to be with you (as the person you truly are) and share and build a life together?

Sorry if I’m being stupid, but I thought this was the stuff people are looking for.

How are "good" are you OP ?

What you write comes across a bit, "as me and my friends are all perfect some have settled some have not". I hate to break it to you but chances are you and your friends will not be without your own faults.

Well it depends, are you the top end of Hollywood good?

If you accept you might not be the most super person in the world it's easier to love another whom isn't the most super in the world.

You just need a super for you.

I dont think i've actually watched a film where they have that deep connection - you might see characters have a couple of late night discussions on you know, your place in the universe but you could agree on those things with anyone. A real connection is built by how you treat each other under stress, when you are bored, when you are ill. A person is a whole person with wants and needs and fears and flaws and if at the end of all that you still want to be around them, hang out with them and make each other laugh, thats it really isnt it. Its not 'a wild date night once in a blue moon where you stay up late having amazing sex and deep discussions' cos thats lust, or falling in love.
A lot of people have children in the 'lust' stage where you cant see the whole person properly and its just a recipe for disaster.

Basing your expectations of love and marriage on watching Hollywood romances is like basing your expectations for sex on watching porn.

Both genres are dramatised works of fiction made for the entertainment of viewers. Not as a depiction of reality.

I think the three things you need for a successful and satisfying relationship are compatibility (similar values for the things that really matter and no major deal breaking differences), chemistry (you want to be physically close to them and they to you. You have physical attraction) and connection (you don't feel lonely when you're with them). If any are missing, I think you're settling.

I feel very lucky to have found my person. Yes I've had wild passionate physical attraction to exes before, but the other factors were missing. With DH, we are happily physically affectionate and also best friends. I think that's achievable for most of us and I wouldn't want to settle for less personally but I can understand why some people might be willing to do so in their own circumstances.

I spent the best part of my late 20s dating people I thought were 'good enough' - ultimately those relationships never worked out because at the end of the day, I think I wasn't that into them, and they probably sensed that on some level. I was trying to make a relationship that made sense on paper work in reality, when there just wasn't enough there.

I was feeling increasingly desperate and had a couple of friends who advised me not to 'settle', while others told me to be more realistic. In the end I met my now husband, who I thought was way out of my league and definitely too good to be true. I wake up every day full of admiration and respect and love for him, and feel constantly thankful that I've ended up with someone I'm genuinely enthusiastic about – perhaps that feeling will fade somewhat as the years roll on, but I can't imagine it lasting longterm otherwise, I know I'd get bored and resentful.

I think what Hollywood and social media has done is given us, or at least some people, an expectation that when you first meet the right person it's all thunderbolts and heart flutters and drama, when in reality it can feel more sedate, especially if it's someone you're meeting for the very first time. When I met my other half I thought he was interesting and I was curious to see where things led, but at the same time I was fairly jaded from years of internet dating and distracted by other life events. I didn't walk away expecting it to be this momentous start of a new chapter, and it didn't feel like it was until quite a long way down the line.

Think the values listed here are very interesting, and in general people perhaps place too much emphasis on compatibility? With many previous exes I thought that because we both loved similar things, we must therefore be similar people, destined to lifelong happiness being similar together! Doesn't always follow.

I didn't think that 'movie kind of love' was real, until I met my current partner. I was with my child's father for 6 years and never felt particularly strongly about him - I loved him in a way but definitely felt like I was just settling out of fear of change. Anyway he was a vile person and I ended up leaving that relationship then I met my bf now. I can't even put into words the way I feel about him and it's the sort of love I always imagined in my head, sounds soppy but true 😁.

@QueenZoflora totally agree you don't need to have loads in common, my partner and I share very few interests from a hobby perspective but we both value spending time with family and friends, and have similar perspectives about the world which I find helps.