My partner had an affair a few years ago. Very awful experience and although I'm better I wouldn't wish the pain on anyone.
I was fuming for ages after. Chucked him out. Left many times. Said truly horrible things. I was ill from stress, couldn't work, just basically became a shell of myself.
We'd gotten into a better place finally, when I got word via friend of a friend that the woman he had the affair with was in town. I told him this and said I was feeling triggered and he said it was "irrelevant" and changed the subject.
Being brushed off made me feel even more triggered.
The next night he happened to be at work drinks and was uncharacteristically late. He almost never goes out but he said he was going for 1 or 2 and was gone 6 hours.
So he came in and I was crying and wouldn't speak to him. Because I think I thought he'd seen her, but mostly I felt really angry that he'd not reassured me the night before.
I'd gotten into such a state I was throwing up.
It turned out later I was wrong and she wasn't here, but in my panicked mind I'd imagined I was being betrayed again.
Anyway. He comes in from his night out and tried to kiss me, and started to panic when he could see I was crying. I kept walking away saying I didn't want to talk. He started getting angry and insisting I explain. So I explained.
At this point his attitude flipped to self defence. He said he'd done nothing, he went out almost never and how much longer was his punishment going to last.
He started sneering in contempt, asking me to write down a script next time for him so he'd say the right things . I started crying more and ran to the kitchen. He kept trying to talto and to touch me but I kept telling him to get off. Then he told me to stop being such a c**t.
He's never, ever talked to me like this before.
Ever.
Then as I cried more he told me to pack my things and leave.
Which he's also never done.
So when he fell asleep, I did exactly that and by morning all my personal items were packed and I was on a plane out of there.
The way I felt was that after enduring his cheating and the hell of it, no way was I getting verbally abused and told to get out for the crime of being triggered or worried or sad.
He's sent messages since I left begging, apologising, saying he will do anything. He acknowledged his behaviour was unacceptable and apologised a lot. He's acknowledged he should have comforted me and not been defensive. He says he finds it hard to be permanently the bad guy because of mistakes made years ago.
I understand that, but truthfully although I believe he loves me and massively regrets the affair, I think he has not really made amends. Most things I asked in the aftermath, he promised and then let me down. So most of me not "moving on and letting it go" is that I feel he never helped me. I've told him this a lot but he never addressed it.
As an example, There's a number of things in our house that remind me of the affair. I've asked 4 or 5 times, gently, for them to be removed. He agreed and never did it.
He also doesn't really take responsibility. He apologises, but says "yes i swore at you and threw you out, but you've done this 20 times" Which I have, after the cheating.
I'm not sure how he's comparing finding out your partner has had a six month affair with finding me upset at him, but he seems to genuinely think that it's similar. He says my anger and instability after his affair were awful.
I'd never shouted at him or left him I the years before the affair came out. I'd never been unstable. So I feel a bit like it's mental abuse to do that to me and then blame ME for my reaction?
He said I always run. He says we were happy and I created an imaginary argument because I wanted to leave. He says I've thrown away our life for nothing.
Inside, what I feel is that this mam badly hurt me for his selfish reasons, failed to adequately help me get better after promising he would, then blamed me for anger and "over the top" emotions and having no "self control", when his behaviour was provoking this in a previously docile person.
I feel like a man who'd call me names and throw me out isn't one who cherishes me, and that tolerating infidelity was enough.
He's left me second guessing myself here. I have behaved badly and erratically but wouldn't most people?