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Original poster

Argument with DP about group chat

68 replies

ChristinaDm · 05/12/2022 20:11

My DP and I have been together just over a year. He has a group of friends that he has known since school. They are all in their early 30s but they seem to have the mentality of teenagers. My DP rarely sees them and turns down invitations to their dinners and nights out. He says they bore him because they only talk about money or women.

At the weekend we went for dinner with his parents and he got a message from their group chat. It was a picture but I didn’t see what. He hid the phone very quickly.

On the way home he said that the friends had sent him a stupid picture that he didn’t want his parents seeing. I asked what it was and he said ‘just a stupid picture.’

I asked if it was a rude picture and he said yes. Was it a woman? He said yes again but when I didn’t reply, he said it wasn’t. He then said it was a photo of his friend’s arse. I asked to see it and he said he’d deleted it.

I asked why he’d lied about it being a photo of a woman and he said it was a joke to see my reaction. This upset me because he knows I don’t like things like this. I am very anti porn and things like that. I already disliked this group chat anyway because I’ve seen the display photo and it’s of a woman in a bikini with huge boobs. Not very good especially as on first glance it looked like he was speaking to another woman. Also quite misogynistic.

I still don’t know what the photo was. He has completely wiped it from the phone and has left the group chat, even though he says he’s sure they’ll try to add him again.

I have an issue with him lying because I don’t understand why he wasn’t honest with me. He may have thought I would be upset (if it was a porn type photo) but at least then I’d know what it was. I’m sure it wasn’t what he said because he’s shown me stupid photos they’ve sent him of someone showing their arse before.

I have never met these friends because my DP doesn’t even act like they’re important to him. I still feel unsettled about this as we’d had a nice evening with his parents and this soured it a little. I am also worried that he can’t be honest with me about something so small. He completely shut down about it after a while and said I made a big deal over nothing and it wasn’t his fault that they sent him a photo. He thinks that I don’t trust him. It’s just that honesty is very important to me because I was cheated on in a previous relationship and I care a lot about this man and all I wanted was the truth.

Thank you for reading. I am feeling a bit down about it tonight and I know I should forget about it but I wonder if why some men have to act like immature teenagers.

OP posts:
UglyNameChange · 05/12/2022 20:22

He doesn’t dislike them as much as he says, and he doesn’t want you to meet them, because the you would see who he truly is.

altmember · 06/12/2022 08:44

They're just some old friends that he keeps at arms length. He's obviously grown apart from them hence why he always declines to socialise with them. He could just turn off notifications for that group chat if they keep on adding him back, that would be easiest solution.

category12 · 06/12/2022 08:50

It's probably the sort of group where they swap porn pictures (or possibly even pics of their girlfriends) - he probably told the truth originally and then thought better of it, and has ended up making himself look worse.

It's interesting that he doesn't socialise with them any more but keeps up contact, I wonder why that is.

Changingplace · 06/12/2022 08:56

He can’t control what other people share in a group chat, I think he agreed with you then thought better of it because he knew how you’d feel about it.

I’d let it go personally, it’s not like he’s gone searching for whatever picture it was.

LemonTT · 06/12/2022 08:57

He obviously was uncomfortable about what happened and instead of giving him space and support you badgered him.

He was embarrassed and upset by the message. Ever consider these dickheads might be bullying him? Probably knowing your reaction.

The situation was never about you.

Aprilx · 06/12/2022 09:06

I am not surprised he keeps these things from you going off your response here! My husband is in a few WhatsApp groups and I have literally never asked him what they talk about and what photos they share (if any). It is nothing to do with me. I am sure you would not like it if he monitored your WhatsApp chats with your friends.

strawberryandcreams · 06/12/2022 09:09

My OH is in a lot of group chats and the things that get sent are vile. He just deletes and moves on. Not an indication of his character at all.

ArcticSkewer · 06/12/2022 09:10

Why don't you understand why he wasn't honest with you?
You know full well what your reaction would have been if it was porn.
He knows what your reaction would have been, so he didn't tell you.
Having been cheated on by someone else does not give you the right to control your next partner. His whatsapp is nothing to do with you.

Woodenwonder · 06/12/2022 09:15

Men are allowed both friends & privacy, if that doesn't sit right with you, you shouldnt be in a relationship with one.

aSofaNearYou · 06/12/2022 09:20

Tbh it reads like you are being quite controlling due to your trust issues here. I'm not surprised he didn't tell you the truth as it sounds like you would take offence to small things he has no control over.

I agree with others saying you shouldn't be monitoring his interactions with his friends to this extent.

UglyNameChange · 06/12/2022 09:24

So grateful to be single!
Who wants garbage (men and they group chats I mean) like this in their lives?

StrawberryWillow · 06/12/2022 09:30

That's just most men, my DP is in a few group chats with mates and they send really rude photos of random things and woman, I'm not bothered at all, I just laugh, roll my eyes and say My god! Agree with other people, he obviously knew what your reaction was going to be hence not being honest with you. Your reaction would be fair enough if its of a woman he knew, but if its photos of porn stars or celebs he's never going to meet, does it really matter? If you have a more laid back reaction to these things, he's more likely to be completely open and honest about it in future.

UglyNameChange · 06/12/2022 09:39

But why is it something women have to laugh off, roll eyes and be ’laid back’?
It’s pretty fucking grim to be man like that / be with a man like that.

Arrivederla · 06/12/2022 09:42

StrawberryWillow · 06/12/2022 09:30

That's just most men, my DP is in a few group chats with mates and they send really rude photos of random things and woman, I'm not bothered at all, I just laugh, roll my eyes and say My god! Agree with other people, he obviously knew what your reaction was going to be hence not being honest with you. Your reaction would be fair enough if its of a woman he knew, but if its photos of porn stars or celebs he's never going to meet, does it really matter? If you have a more laid back reaction to these things, he's more likely to be completely open and honest about it in future.

Why should she have a "laid back" attitude towards porn and misogyny?! She is allowed to hold her boundaries around this, and tbh it's a shame that more women on this thread don't do the same.

girlmom21 · 06/12/2022 09:44

He's the kind of man who thinks it's ok to objectify women. If he doesn't tell his friends to stop, he's part of the problem.

You need to decide whether you're willing to accept that.

Some women will think it's harmless. Some women will be upset but accept it. It's a dealbreaker for others.

You don't need to tell us which you are.

MadameMackenzie · 06/12/2022 10:12

Crikey what exactly has the poor bloke done wrong?!? He's in the dog house because somebody else sent a rude pic?

Original poster
ChristinaDm · 06/12/2022 10:32

This wasn’t about the fact that someone else sent him a pic. I would never be upset with him for something he couldn’t control. I never asked him to leave the group chat either. I don’t monitor his conversations with his friends, he tells me things they say without me asking. It was about him not being honest about something as small as what the photo was of. About him changing the story.

I still think about the type of men that share pics like this. I find it disrespectful, especially when the recipient of the message has a partner, or a wife, kids, parents etc that could accidentally see it. Not to mention the misogynistic aspect. I know for a fact that my DP wouldn’t be happy if my friends were sending me rude photos of other men. But because it’s ‘what men do’, I must chill out and put up with it, otherwise I am controlling. Make it make sense.

OP posts:
ImCindaCanning · 06/12/2022 10:38

If these are the type of people he associates with I'm afraid I couldn't respect him. And no, most men do not participate in such unattractive manchild, pubescent humour.

ZeroFuchsGiven · 06/12/2022 10:43

Why are you harping on to see his phone and know what it was? Im not surprised he hides it from you if you make such a drama out of stuff.

Deadringer · 06/12/2022 10:46

Men who send each other this sort of stuff give me the ick, but your dh no longer socialises with them and in fact seems to have pretty much dropped them so I wouldn't hold it against him. He didn't want you to see the image because he knew it would upset you, and he got rid of it. I think if he is a decent man and a good partner you should try to put it behind you.

ArcticSkewer · 06/12/2022 10:52

You blatantly do monitor his conversations with his friends over whatsapp.

It's controlling behaviour and unpleasant

SantasGrotty · 06/12/2022 10:55

Woodenwonder · 06/12/2022 09:15

Men are allowed both friends & privacy, if that doesn't sit right with you, you shouldnt be in a relationship with one.

And women are allowed to say they have standards and be with men who meet those standards and not be lied to about that.

Aprilx · 06/12/2022 10:57

SantasGrotty · 06/12/2022 10:55

And women are allowed to say they have standards and be with men who meet those standards and not be lied to about that.

Show quote history

So men have no right to hold private conversations with their friends because women have a greater need to be able to supervise and monitor what they are discussing just in case it falls short of expectations?

hotandspicy · 06/12/2022 10:59

UglyNameChange · 05/12/2022 20:22

He doesn’t dislike them as much as he says, and he doesn’t want you to meet them, because the you would see who he truly is.

If he is this terrible person you are alluding to tell the OP of surely, he would socialize with them, they would have already met his partner regardless of their banter culture, he wouldn't be deleting pictures from the group.

Sounds like Hes grown away from the circle of friends but hasn't deleted then from his life, he doesn't have too, Hes made it fairly clear Hes not of the same mindset.

I don't really see him doing anything wrong here other than not be honest what the picture was the group sent.

Noone should be telling their partners who they can and can't associate with, but you can usually tell a lot about a person by the company they keep.

Changingplace · 06/12/2022 11:04

SantasGrotty · 06/12/2022 10:55

And women are allowed to say they have standards and be with men who meet those standards and not be lied to about that.

Show quote history

If a bloke came on here demanding to read his female partners private messages & blaming her for what someone else sent people would pile on all over the show saying he was controlling.