Leaving my abusive husband, would it be possible?

[Dunno2]

I have been in an abusive relationship for many years, H (not DH, obviously) have a toddler DD. I have been thinking about leaving him for so many times, but I cannot find the courage.

This morning there was another incident that triggered my thoughts of leaving him.

We were preparing DD for school but DD was not changing his uniform and we were running late. H got a bit annoyed with DD and started moaning about him for not performing in the Christmas play last week (to be fair, DD was just a bit shy on stage but he did said his lines and performed together with his pals and I am actually proud of him)I told H he was too harsh on DD, I could not stand the way he spoke to DD because that was so discouraging and almost a character assassination. So I yelled back at H (he was raising he voice towards DD). Then H got furious, he said "how dare you counter me?" Then he hit my head with his fist. By this time, DD was already crying.

I did not hold back and shouted back at him because what he said to DD was so wrong and I told him many times not to "complain" about DD's performance. He did nothing to encourage DD, only criticising . He's been doing this all the time, not just about the play, but everything like cycling, swimming etc. He always compare DD with other kids, always says" how I wish DD could do this and that...". But what he doesn't realise is, he doesn't spend as much time with Dd as other parents do with those other kids. How can he expect DD to excel all by himself without some meaning parental guidance? If he has time, he would rather watch his own TV.

Back to what happened this morning, after I shouted back at him, he got even more furious and hit my head fiercely for few times, I was on the floor and DD was crying.

When he stopped, he realised he shouldn't do that in front of DD, then he told DD it was my fault for bringing the worst of him. So it wasn't his fault to hit me. He also told DD not to tell anyone and the teachers in case some social would come to visit us. Then we sent DD to school.

I really want to tell someone.

I really want to leave this man. I can't live like this anymore. This is not the first time.

I want to uproot everything and move to a new town where he cannot find us and I don't have to explaining anything to other fellow parents.

But that would mean turning DD's life upside down. He will have to leave his teaches his friends, his favourite parks his house his bedroom. All the things that he grow up with.

I also don't want to involve social workers because DD would then be labelled as a kid from a disturbed family.

I just don't know what to do. I know I sound stupid but I am honestly lost and feeling miserable.

I love my DD dearly but I just regret so much for having a kid together with H.

@baileys6904 I am so sorry for what had happened to you. I hope you are ok now. I used to feel the same, putting everyone's need in front if myself. I guess that 's why I was being abused :(

@Bedazzled22 You have pointed out the hardest part here---my son's affection to his daddy. He just loves his daddy so much and the way he always hug his daddy melts my heart. One of the previous poster has mentioned that this is in fact called a trauma bond. That is so so sad for his little heart.

Today when we were having dinner he asked me "Why daddy was in the hotel last night, I missed him so much". 😭

But I am now very clear his will never change, because it has happened so many times. So many times that even I have lost count. He thinks I deserve to be beaten up.

Please please get away from him OP - I'm a child of domestic violence too, and have complex PTSD to show for it. My brother is completely messed up, never managed to hold down a job for long, big anger issues for both of us. Your son will understand why you left when he's older!

But please be careful - men who abuse women can get truly dangerous when they realise they're about to lose their punch bag, do contact Woman's Aid, as others have suggested, they know how to help you both and keep you safe.

Good luck and amazingly well done for not putting up with this, I wish my DM did this and not put us through that horror of a childhood.

You don't want your son to grow up thinking it's normal to hit your partner like that. He adores his dad, yet his dad punched you repeatedly in the head. He knows it's wrong, bit banked on you not saying anything as usual.

Leaving an abuser is dangerous, so please seek support from professionals. If he thinks he's losing control, his behaviour could escalate.

yes, it is a trauma bond so knowing that will help you break away from this man. You know that your son will be damaged if you stay with this man. Your son deserves better.

Wishing you loads of strength, you can do this and break free.

He's shouted at and frightened your little, precious ds. You ABDOLUTELY did the right thing and it's amazing what you have done so far.

I have just moved myself and my ds to a new place and left all our friends, school and community (not for trauma reasons) and it does get better. It was hard for the first couple of months but there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

When your ds is old enough, he will be so incredibly proud to know that you protected him. He saw his dm being punched in the head on the floor, if he misses his daddy then you can say he hit you and that is wrong. No one should ever lay a hand on anyone in violence.

Well done OP, stay strong x

@Dunno2
Will you keep us updated?

I’m sorry to say your husband’s behaviour and attitudes won’t change. What he will do is Cirencester your son to his way of thinking.
Please get emotional support from Women’s Aid. You will be able to discuss your thoughts and fears openly with people who understand.
You will also get support at your son’s school.
I know you don’t want to bad mouth your husband to your son but you need to point out his errors —- “daddy is in the hotel” “yes, he can’t stay here because a daddy must never hit a mummy, hitting is always wrong” Keep it simple, but get home the message that DV is wrong.
Stay strong, this is a low point but life will get better when you are legally separated and making your own life.

Cirencester??? Where even is that? Coerce was what I meant.

You poor VERY BRAVE woman.

You have done yourself and your son a great favour refusing to keep his nasty secret any longer.

This man would only get worse.

Getting out now, your child has some chance of not being destroyed by his family.

You on your own is his only hope.

Well done for telling the police.

Move away and tell EVERYONE why you are leaving.

Men like him hate people knowing EXACTLY the type of scum they really are.

Only the really very worst of scum assault a mother in front of her children.

THAT is who he is.

Remember to tell people that.

@Dunno2 please also report the harassment via text messages. You are a victim and witness to his crime and by sending your those messages, he is basically threatening you and this is also a crime.

Report him each and every time so that you lay the foundations for proving he is an abuser who is unfit to have sole custody of your DS.

Don't protect him anymore. You are allowed to tell your son that Daddy cannot live with you anymore because he hurt Mummy but that you both love him to bits and he will see Daddy soon. That isn't traumatising and you are teaching DS that hitting is not normal or acceptable in a loving relationship.

Good luck, you have been so brave and there is a wonderful life out there for you once all this is done.

HE broke your family, when he hit you.

You haven't broken anything.

There are more stress responses than just "fight, flight and freeze". There's also "friend or fawn". This may be what your son is doing. Trying to befriend his father in an attempt to keep him happy and calm. Its described as "performative engagement", trying to appease the threat to avoid conflict, criticism or disapproval. He can also be addicted to the dopamine that living with an abuser brings.
So basically I think you need to stop worrying that your son will be devastated by his father not living with you and see that his current response is a result of living with an abuser. Life will be so much better for him away from the constant threat of violence and the worry that brings. Imagine him going to bed and not having to worry that his mother will be hit. You can give him that peace and security. You've done the hard bit. I am woman, hear me roar. Believe in yourself.