Leaving my abusive husband, would it be possible?

[Dunno2]

I have been in an abusive relationship for many years, H (not DH, obviously) have a toddler DD. I have been thinking about leaving him for so many times, but I cannot find the courage.

This morning there was another incident that triggered my thoughts of leaving him.

We were preparing DD for school but DD was not changing his uniform and we were running late. H got a bit annoyed with DD and started moaning about him for not performing in the Christmas play last week (to be fair, DD was just a bit shy on stage but he did said his lines and performed together with his pals and I am actually proud of him)I told H he was too harsh on DD, I could not stand the way he spoke to DD because that was so discouraging and almost a character assassination. So I yelled back at H (he was raising he voice towards DD). Then H got furious, he said "how dare you counter me?" Then he hit my head with his fist. By this time, DD was already crying.

I did not hold back and shouted back at him because what he said to DD was so wrong and I told him many times not to "complain" about DD's performance. He did nothing to encourage DD, only criticising . He's been doing this all the time, not just about the play, but everything like cycling, swimming etc. He always compare DD with other kids, always says" how I wish DD could do this and that...". But what he doesn't realise is, he doesn't spend as much time with Dd as other parents do with those other kids. How can he expect DD to excel all by himself without some meaning parental guidance? If he has time, he would rather watch his own TV.

Back to what happened this morning, after I shouted back at him, he got even more furious and hit my head fiercely for few times, I was on the floor and DD was crying.

When he stopped, he realised he shouldn't do that in front of DD, then he told DD it was my fault for bringing the worst of him. So it wasn't his fault to hit me. He also told DD not to tell anyone and the teachers in case some social would come to visit us. Then we sent DD to school.

I really want to tell someone.

I really want to leave this man. I can't live like this anymore. This is not the first time.

I want to uproot everything and move to a new town where he cannot find us and I don't have to explaining anything to other fellow parents.

But that would mean turning DD's life upside down. He will have to leave his teaches his friends, his favourite parks his house his bedroom. All the things that he grow up with.

I also don't want to involve social workers because DD would then be labelled as a kid from a disturbed family.

I just don't know what to do. I know I sound stupid but I am honestly lost and feeling miserable.

I love my DD dearly but I just regret so much for having a kid together with H.

You did the right thing
Block his number
See a solicitor
Speak to support services

Thank you everyone for the support. I am truly grateful xxx

My son just told me he misses daddy very much because he loves him. I am heartbroken. Not becuase he said he loves daddy, but because I cannot give him a normal family.

Op, no one has the right to hit you, no matter what they say you’ve done. Read that again. And keep reading it.
He is a pathetic specimen and you must keep yourself and your dc safe….which means far, far away from him. You’ve taken the first step, which I know from experience, is the hardest. But, you’ve done it. So, from now on, one minute, one hour, one day at a time. Look forward, eyes on the prize….which is a life free from fear, abuse and pain. That’s yours, you can grab it, but you must keep moving forward. I know it’s hard, but it’s so, so worth it. You CAN do this xx

Your child doesn't know any better.

When the tine feels right for your husband he will directly start of your son. It's not exclusive to you, don't fool yourself.

To be specific, I mean physically assaulting your son as he is clearly already emotionally/psycologically abusing him.

He's a child, he doesn't understand right now. You are giving him the best life by taking him out of an abusive environment.
Remember, it's not you that caused this, it was your H. Remind yourself it's not your fault, not your fault, not your fault. This is all on your H, he caused this. Him and only him.
It hurts to see your child sad but staying in an abusive relationship would cause A LOT more sadness for him over the years. Give your son a big cuddle and know that you are protecting him.

You were so amazingly brave to have called the police! You are clearly a strong woman who loves her child very much. Brace yourself for a shit storm now, your H will twist the truth so much you will end up questioning yourself. Lies, guilt tripping, undermining you and much more is on its way. You need to find people to support you in real life asap: call your GP in the morning and report everything. They will stay in contact with you for some time and make a record of what you say. You might need it. Speak to the school. Speak to all your friends and family. Don’t hold back. You have nothing to be ashamed of. He does.

@Dunno2 I know exactly what your going through. Comments like "if you love your child leave" are not helpful and make you feel worse. Now if you feel strong enough start keeping a diary. There's an app called Brightsky it's made to look like a weather app. When you do report this, your life is going to be turned upside down with police and Social services like mine has been and it's hell. It's going to take a lot of strength to get through it. BUT you can get through it. And you will feel better when you aren't being abused by this man. I'm here if you need me. Good luck and do what's best for you. Not what everyone tells you. They don't know what YOU feel. Xx

You have done the right thing. Please do not go back to him.

You have done absolutely the right thing.

Your EX dp is still trying to control you. Trying to make you feel guilty. Don't let his words get to you - he will say whatever it takes to try and keep you in his evil cluches so he can hurt and abuse you.

Well done for doing the right thing for your child (it really is the right thing).

He abused you.

Thank you so much everyone. Thank you very much indeed. Xxx

You have done the right thing.

Don't go back to him whatever he says. He is not ever going to change.

Stay strong for your son.

Your husband broke your family all by himself.

It is not your fault.

How has that happened? He's physically assaulted you, been verbally and mentally abusive for years and has ended up in a hotel for one night? What on earth!
Your child is already clearly damaged by this, contact Leeway and get into a refuge, your son can get a new bedroom etc, he can't get a new memory without the constant flashbacks of childhood trauma.

Hi OP
I work in a Domestic Abuse unit in the police. Please DM me if you would like, and I can explain our force's procedures and what might happen, and give you some pointers about what you could do next.

You have absolutely, 100%, done the right thing, you should be so proud of yourself.
I'm sure you must know that if you took him back things would most probably get steadily worse.

Wishing you a very safe future away from this abuser. 🙏

Call the police, get him removed, you have a witness, your dd. The police will have someone who can talk to your dd & gently get her to tell them what she saw. If you don't do this sooner or later she will tell someone at school & you will be landed with SS & it takes forever to get rid of them. Once you have spoken to the police your next step is to speak to a solicitor see about getting a non molestation order & then take steps towards a divorce, you don't have to put up with this.

You are so brave. You are strong. You took the first steps to a better life for your child and yourself. Well done.

He hit you and there is no excuse, no justification, no explanation, no reason for a man to hit a woman, let alone in front of a child. So, the only thing he can do it blame you, because otherwise he would have to confront what he is. An abuser, a coward, a bully, a pathetic specimen of a man and a father.

He doesn't like it that you have finally stood up to him. He's been able to control you with threats and physical violence. If he texts more than 3 times in a row, its classed as harassment. Screen shot everything. Block him. All communication can now be done via Police, Social Services or Solicitors and the Courts.

It's OK for you to block him, you don't need to feel like you have to answer or even read his texts. You owe him nothing. He's just trying to wear you down and break you and then your life really will get worse. He will have to hit you harder to make you too frightened to report him again. DO NOT GO BACK TO HIM. This is your chance to make a good life for your son. Your son will have a better life without him in it and without having to watch his mother being hurt.

Regarding the "breaking up the family" comments, well, he did that when he decided to hit you. He is the one responsible for everything. He's ashamed as other people will know what a nasty little shit he really is. They probably know anyway or suspect.

Your son is probably trauma bonded to his father. His comments about missing his father, you need to ignore atm and have confidence in yourself that you know what is the right thing to do for your son and that is not having him witness abuse. He will carry that with him for life but you can show him what a strong woman you are and how you stood up for him and said enough is enough. You can build a better life, happy, fun and full of love. I promise you life will be easier without living in fear. Being hit is a high price to pay for things to stay the same. Everything I was scared about doing on my own, was so much easier without my abuser around.

You've done so well by reporting him, do not let him back into the house. Be proud of yourself, its hard asking for help (I think it's the hardest bit) but it gets easier and there is help out there. Contact Womens Aid and your Domestic Abuse charity locally. Social Services want to help, they really do. Total strangers will work so hard to get you somewhere safe and help you heal, but you have to let them help you and your son. You can do this.

Your child knows what his dad has done to him and you is wrong. Never, ever allow this man to abuse your child again. His behaviour is wrong in so many ways. Everything he is accusing you of doing HE did by his actions.

You stood up for your child, well done. Now you must carry on standing up to this abusive man. Your poor child having to watch his mother being beaten.
If you stay with this man, he will be in your life, hurting you and your child every day, AND you will have social services involved in your life because your child is at risk because of how his father behaves.

Take whatever help is on offer to get away from this man, protect your child like the loving mother you are.

10000% you did the right thing. Good job and I hope in time you can see it's for the best! X

How are you getting on @Dunno2

Hello @NotToBeShaked , thank you for asking. I feel upset after what had happened. Found myself zero motivation to do anything this morning.

He did come back very early this morning, I was shocked that came back so early. Guess he wanted to see our son before he goes to school.

He packed some personal stuff and we did not really talk much. But he was still trying to imply what I have done is wrong and unnecessary. He said the police might have already notified the school which would have negative impact on our son. I just ignored him.

I felt better this afternoon and started looking for a new house (we are living in a rental)to move away, possibly new school if we are going to relocate and a new job as I do not work at the moment.

I feel down but at the same time I see some hope. Thank you very much for all the support I received here, if not I think I would go back again again and again. Thank you 🙏🏻

Get yourself an ally in real life as well as on here. A mate, neighbour, solicitor, Womens Aid...anyone trustworthy. They will help you stand strong and stick to your plans.

Op I was the child that grew up in a household with domestic violence.
I became an adult and have been sexually, physically and mentally abused by various partners and put up with it as it had been normalised to me. I felt I didn't deserve anything better. I put everyone else's needs first.

Leaving is the best thing you could have done for your child.

So sorry you are going through this. As a previous poster has said, you must find ally in real life.

Do not be swayed by your son saying he misses daddy. He is under the same spell as you are with him, but now your eyes are opening and you must move forward and protect yourself and your son.

You can give your son a proper family life by keeping him safe from harm. So please get away from this man before something even worse happens.

If you stay with this man, your son will grow up to be the same, and he will abuse his wife or partner. You really don’t want that to happen. Please keep safe.

You are SO brave!! Do NOT go back to him ever. Even though he will say the right things and make you believe there’s a chance things will change they won’t. Please please stay strong for your child.

This is good advice it’s very hard to do this alone.

When you are down / having a bad day / lonely you will start to remember all the times he was nice to you in the past and excuse all the bad times. Then you will be tempted to go back. Especially if he promises to change.