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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DP boundary issues with me/other women

72 replies

Tigerlily14 · 05/12/2022 08:49

Have been on here a while but never posted as always got your wisdom through other threads. Need some advice.

DP, not married. Been together two and a half years. I have kids. He doesn’t mid 30’s to 40’s.

Had trouble with minor trust issues since the start. He quickly said he was besotted with me, didn’t want to continue chatting/seeing anyone else. So I deleted all contact with others. And with exes at his request. He said he’d done the same but was still chatting to a girl he met online. Still in contact with his ex behind my back for a year (I had no issue with that just wanted honesty).

Found out he’d tried to initiate contact with a girl from his past and he told me he was trying to line up a ‘back up plan’.

Mentionitis about girls from work. Found him searching their insta pages. Deleting messages from them. Then found out he didn’t have a single photo of me in 2.5 years. He deletes them all. But has photos of these girls. Like he literally has no photo of me. If I get abducted, the police would have to ask someone else 😂

Found out he basically constantly searches 18-21 year old girls wearing not very much on insta.

Other minor things like this too. Is it normal relationship shite? I don’t know any more. I don’t know if I’m expecting too much or I’m being disrespected. He’s said I don’t make him feel loved. For me I think it’s the lying I have an issue with. I’ve always communicated my views so he was always aware.

Help wise people.

OP posts:
Namechangedforthisonetoday · 05/12/2022 08:51

He’s a twat OP, surely you value yourself more than this?

AnyFucker · 05/12/2022 08:51

Dump

SugarBlossomFairy · 05/12/2022 08:53

He is disrespecting you - no partner should ever treat you like this. Absolutely not normal

LolaSmiles · 05/12/2022 08:53

Most men in their 30s in an adult relationship don't disrespect their partner, try to keep back up plans and spend their time on social media looking at teenage girls.

You're worth more. Leave the waste of space.

Eleganz · 05/12/2022 08:57

Sorry OP I would have been gone as soon as the words "back up plan" came out of his mouth.

Piffle11 · 05/12/2022 08:58

I'm presuming you live together? Because it basically sounds as though he is a single man to all intents and purposes, who just happens to live with you.

This thing about him not feeling loved is him trying to turn any blame on to you.

He is being massively disrespectful, and I can guarantee that as soon as he gets a nibble somewhere else, he'll be off.

ImprobablePuffin · 05/12/2022 08:59

Why do you think all these indiscretions are only "minor things"?

Purplecatshopaholic · 05/12/2022 09:00

OMG op. Read back what you have written. What would you advise a friend to do… Surely you dont need us to tell you he is a disrespectful, lying shit. Please dump him.

ImprobablePuffin · 05/12/2022 09:00

Eleganz · 05/12/2022 08:57

Sorry OP I would have been gone as soon as the words "back up plan" came out of his mouth.

Exactly. Who the fuck does this guy think he is?!

AttilaTheMeerkat · 05/12/2022 09:01

Dump this man asap and certainly before he further messes with your already low self esteem and self worth. This is no relationship model either to be showing your children.

These are not minor things; both your boundaries and relationship bar need working on.

AnnaTortoiseshell · 05/12/2022 09:02

He sounds like a sad little creep. Searching for girls on Instagram who are half his age, and then blaming you for not feeling loved?! Wow. Please leave him!

Slowgrowingelm · 05/12/2022 09:04

Dump him. I’ve dated twats like him - they are always seeing others on the sly or trying to. You deserve better.

Blowthemandown · 05/12/2022 09:04

@Tigerlily14 back up plan????!!! Nope.

minticecreamisjustok · 05/12/2022 09:05

Dump him, two and half years is too long to put up with this rubbish.

Mischance · 05/12/2022 09:05

Gather up your self-respect and tell him to go forth and multiply.

"A back up plan" ... FGS!

How do women get to a point where they think they deserve no better than this? This is how men get away with this crap.

Ofcourseshecan · 05/12/2022 09:06

OP, you are putting up with too much. Think how unhappy he will make you in the long term, and how little self-esteem you will have left by the time he strolls off with someone younger. Dreadful role model for DC too.

Longestnight · 05/12/2022 09:07

What’s his reason for no photos of you but of other young woman? Says it all doesn’t it?

cleanbreak2022 · 05/12/2022 09:07

I hate to say this to you OP and I really don't want to hurt your feelings , but if my friend told me this about her relationship I would translate the 'back up' plan comment as he's waiting (and by his own behaviours actively looking) for something 'better' to come along. The arrogance of this man is appalling. No wonder he doesn't have children, he's not able to think about anyone than himself!
He doesn't acknowledge you in anyway, I would guess he tells everyone he's single or in a 'casual' relationship. He's not holding your relationship together in any regard and openly disrespecting you.
You don't need to stay with him, being with someone is a choice, you there are infinitely better options to spend your time on. Flowers

dreamingbohemian · 05/12/2022 09:09

Those are not minor things! Dump him.

RunnerDown · 05/12/2022 09:09

Any man mid thirties to forties constantly looking up scantily clad girls age18-21 would give me the boke. I certainly wouldn’t stay in a relationship with them

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 05/12/2022 09:14

He’s said I don’t make him feel loved

Ah, the oldies but goodies. They trot them out every time. 'It's YOUR fault I have to do this! if you were more loving/sexier/gave more BJs/we had more sex/didn't nag when I come home drunk I wouldn't have to do this!'

Dump. It won't get better and you'll end up feeling even worse.

frozendaisy · 05/12/2022 09:18

No not normal healthy relationship at all.

He sounds too controlling, needy, looking elsewhere, I would ditch him and have a fantastic free of him Christmas. He can get his kicks elsewhere, or at least try!

FermisLeftFoot · 05/12/2022 09:22

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 05/12/2022 09:14

He’s said I don’t make him feel loved

Ah, the oldies but goodies. They trot them out every time. 'It's YOUR fault I have to do this! if you were more loving/sexier/gave more BJs/we had more sex/didn't nag when I come home drunk I wouldn't have to do this!'

Dump. It won't get better and you'll end up feeling even worse.

Absolutely. How about he was more loving to you, rather than constantly trying his luck to see what other women he might be able to shag?

Shodan · 05/12/2022 09:24

Ewww. What a creepy little man.

Seriously. Dump him and find a decent bloke.

LiesDoNotBecomeUs · 05/12/2022 09:30

The lies are not normal or acceptable.

Chatting and looking have to be ok for goose and gander.