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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

DP boundary issues with me/other women

72 replies

Tigerlily14 · 05/12/2022 08:49

Have been on here a while but never posted as always got your wisdom through other threads. Need some advice.

DP, not married. Been together two and a half years. I have kids. He doesn’t mid 30’s to 40’s.

Had trouble with minor trust issues since the start. He quickly said he was besotted with me, didn’t want to continue chatting/seeing anyone else. So I deleted all contact with others. And with exes at his request. He said he’d done the same but was still chatting to a girl he met online. Still in contact with his ex behind my back for a year (I had no issue with that just wanted honesty).

Found out he’d tried to initiate contact with a girl from his past and he told me he was trying to line up a ‘back up plan’.

Mentionitis about girls from work. Found him searching their insta pages. Deleting messages from them. Then found out he didn’t have a single photo of me in 2.5 years. He deletes them all. But has photos of these girls. Like he literally has no photo of me. If I get abducted, the police would have to ask someone else 😂

Found out he basically constantly searches 18-21 year old girls wearing not very much on insta.

Other minor things like this too. Is it normal relationship shite? I don’t know any more. I don’t know if I’m expecting too much or I’m being disrespected. He’s said I don’t make him feel loved. For me I think it’s the lying I have an issue with. I’ve always communicated my views so he was always aware.

Help wise people.

OP posts:
BigCheeseSandwich · 05/12/2022 09:35

even one of those things would have me running for the hills. 🚩 🚩

Aikko · 05/12/2022 09:36

Just another dirty old man using Instagram to look up teenage girls for wanking fodder.

Grim.

mummymeister · 05/12/2022 09:39

you are literally just something to do until something better comes along. not even second best, just whats available at the moment. how can you possibly think this is normal in a relationship. get rid and find someone who puts you first. he never will

Shoxfordian · 05/12/2022 09:41

He’s basically cheating on you- find some self respect and dump him

Tigerlily14 · 05/12/2022 09:42

Wow. This is everything I thought was right, and everything he told me I was wrong to think. I’ve been completely gaslit. You’re all absolutely correct. And I’m really grateful. And keep them coming too. I need to hear this.

Also, that’s not even the half of it. I gave up typing as I thought the post would be too long and no one would read it.

OP posts:
StopStartStop · 05/12/2022 09:43

Throw this one back.
He doesn't want you to have contact with any potential rival.
Yet, he intends to initiate maintain contact with women.
Are you living together? Are you funding him?

Get rid. Have your life, time, resources for your children and yourself.

Mix56 · 05/12/2022 09:44

Assuming he moved in with you, You need to remove him from your home, before this gets even more ingrained & harder to fix
He is behaving like single low life. & don't be surprised if he turns it round on you, hold your head up high. Not worth arguing over.

StopStartStop · 05/12/2022 09:44

and.

Autumntimeagain · 05/12/2022 09:51

OP there is absolutely nothing 'minor' about these 'trust issues' !

He's a liar and a disgusting perv who initially 'love bombed' you and got you to cancel your dating, while HE carried on trying to screw anything that had a bloody pulse ! 😖

He's an aging bloody pervert who thinks 18yr olds are 'fair game' ffs !

You deserve so much more than this creepy bastard !

supercali77 · 05/12/2022 10:43

Oh OP! drop him! He's a gaslighting creep. None of this is minor, all together its a sign to never trust the man. Your self esteem is obviously quite low and he's negotatiated it down further. Seize some power, he's not the only man and anyway singledomis far better than having some little cretin hanging about undermining you, you can do better, you deserve better, think it and know it!

OldFan · 05/12/2022 10:59

He's nasty @Tigerlily14 . So much is clear.

Also, that’s not even the half of it. I gave up typing as I thought the post would be too long and no one would read it.

We're all interested, feel free to share more if you like. It might make you even more certain of what's going on.

Mamaneedsadrink · 05/12/2022 11:07

Dump & run

piedbeauty · 05/12/2022 11:14

Oh god, any one of those things would have made me dump him. Come on, op, he's a twat. You're worth more than this.

Disydoll12 · 05/12/2022 11:26

You are getting a very rare LTB from me. Seriously, get rid ASAP. He is not worth your time. Let him be his own problem.

ChangedmynameagainforChristmas · 05/12/2022 11:39

Any man with a back up plan is treating women like some sort of sex commodity. DUMP

OldFan · 05/12/2022 11:40

The back up plan thing was really obnoxious.

Pokske · 05/12/2022 11:42

Dump !!!
He's got his back up plan, so no problem him.
You please get rid of this looser today. Do no longer waste time on fools like him.

baileys6904 · 05/12/2022 11:44

No one should ever have to delete their past. If anyone asks you to, they clearly haven't got control of their present.

SlouchingTowardsBethlehemAgain · 05/12/2022 12:10

Bloody hell, get rid - he'd fuck a tree if it had a hole in it.

FetchezLaVache · 05/12/2022 12:17

"Boundary issues" my arse. Call it what it is - your boyfriend is a disgusting, gaslighting, faithless misogynist who isn't worth another minute of your precious life.

KettrickenSmiled · 05/12/2022 12:27

Like he literally has no photo of me. If I get abducted, the police would have to ask someone else
😂😂😂
I like your style OP! - graveyard humour so helps with keeping perspective.

Had trouble with minor trust issues since the start. He quickly said he was besotted with me, didn’t want to continue chatting/seeing anyone else. So I deleted all contact with others. And with exes at his request. He said he’d done the same but was still chatting to a girl he met online. Still in contact with his ex behind my back for a year (I had no issue with that just wanted honesty).
You should always have an issue with hypocrisy OP.
He expects you to dispense with all other romantic interests, demands exclusivity from you, but gives himself carte blanche to do exactly the opposite.
And the dishonesty should be a dealbreaker - if you can't trust him not to lie, you have no foundations for a healthy relationship.

Other minor things like this too. Is it normal relationship shite? I don’t know any more. I don’t know if I’m expecting too much or I’m being disrespected.
No, it's not normal to be lied to, or to stay with a partner who has revolting double standards. Why on earth do you feel like you are expecting too much? You are expecting only what he expects from you.
Why do you feel that it's ok for him to demand loyalty & exclusivity from you, but deliberately withhold that from you?
Ah! - here's a clue why ...

He’s said I don’t make him feel loved.
DARVO'ing bullshit.
www.banyantherapy.com/darvo/
Standard tactic of the liar & cheat.
He is trying to blame YOU for HIS actions.

For me I think it’s the lying I have an issue with. I’ve always communicated my views so he was always aware.
He is practically flaunting his lying & cheating at you OP.
Then gaslighting you by telling you it's your fault.

What happened to you, in your early life, to have tolerated this level of disrespect & mistreatment? Abolutely zero judgement implied by that question btw - it's often our historic family dynamic that leaves us with insecure boundaries & poor self-esteem. So let me tell you - whatever your background - his behaviour is totally unacceptable & you should enforce a solid boundary by removing yourself from it.

Found out he’d tried to initiate contact with a girl from his past and he told me he was trying to line up a ‘back up plan’.
WTactualF?
How dare he?
Speaking of boundaries - here he is, toying with yours. They are not strong enough to withstand him yet, & he knows this. That is why ihe is constantly testing you - making you agree to exclusivity, then taunting you with his own lack of it. He is looking to see how far he can push you, what you will tolerate. He's probably enjoying your humilation because that is what makes him feel powerful & in control.

Please keep posting for support OP.
And apart from that emotional support - what practical difficulties would you face in splitting up with this man who treats you so horribly? Accommodation, finances, any legal separation of co-owned assets?

Imagine a time in the very near future when you could be free of this torment & doubt. Instead of exerting most of your emotional resources on worrying about his fidelity & fretting about the relationship, you could be focused entirely on yourself & how to break free of whatever has crippled your self-esteem so badly that you put up with this man's bullshit. You could get counselling, start reading up on dysfunctional families & abusive relationships, go on an assertiveness course, do The Freedom Programme, read ChumpLady, read Lundy Bancroft ...

In short, leave this loser behind & make yourself into the most comfortable, free, independent & self-defining woman you can be. You are worth so much more than this cheating scum. Flowers

www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/online.php

www.amazon.co.uk/Woman-Your-Own-Right-Communication/dp/0715654543

outofthefog.website/toolbox-intro

www.amazon.co.uk/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling/dp/0425191656/ref=tmm_pap_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&qid=&sr=

www.chumplady.com/about-chump-lady/
www.chumplady.com/archives/

layladomino · 05/12/2022 12:27

Yeah he's a creep.

Back up plan?
Expected you to cut contact with others but that didn't apply to him?
Lied to you about keeping in touch with ex's?
Chatted up other women?
Keeps photos of other (very young, even worse creepy vibes) women?
Doesn't have photos of you?

You deserve more. He's a creep and a dead loss if you want a grown up, fulfilling relationship.

Tigerlily14 · 05/12/2022 12:29

Thank you all of you. This is everything I needed to hear.

The other stuff - yeah he moved in with me. Basically I paid for everything up until 6 months ago.

Whenever I’ve tried to say these things (above) upset me, he’d kick off. Say it was me. Play the victim. Categorically lie saying he hadn’t done any of them. I only know all these things because I found out. He’d deny, deflect, shout etc.

I had a big birthday. He bought me a badge. No cake. Didn’t sit and even eat lunch with me. He finds ‘occasions’ stressful etc blah blah.

Started a fitness page. Targeted all the usual girls you’d expect on social media as that was his ‘business plan’.

Last night when I tried to tell him how upset I was he said I was ‘relentless’ and I’m ‘f*ing constantly complaining’ and ‘always angry’.

This thread has honestly saved my sanity. Thank you all so much. Please go fully at the above and please feel free to go to town on me and what a class A plonker I am. I need to hear it.

OP posts:
Tigerlily14 · 05/12/2022 12:35

@KettrickenSmiled thank you so much. Really thank you. And everyone else too. I will read through it all.

Re practicalities I’m v independent. I’m lucky enough to have a well paid job. I can support myself financially. No worries there.

And as for my position - not that these things don’t happen to everyone but I’m honestly embarrassed about the extent to which I should have known better. I’m divorced so been there once. Fought back from that to financial independence. Solid job/qualifications. Thought I was ultra feminist (please rip the proverbial out of me for this). Three proper amazing kids. So other than this situation I’m very lucky.

OP posts:
Mix56 · 05/12/2022 12:39

This thread brings me joy. you are strong & independent, you are not crying into your soup, saying "but we are really good together", yada yada....
What's the plan... Get him out by the week end ?
doesn't really matter where, not actually your problem, you have a house & home, & very shortly no longer no Small Dick cocklodging Tosser

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