Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is this abuse?

31 replies

Crunchycooki · 05/12/2022 05:38

I recently was with a friend who was upset with her boyfriend, we spoke about the situation and then she spoke to him. I was there when they spoke and i couldn’t believe how easy their conversation was. She explained how she felt , he explained his side then apologised for making her feel that way, he put himself in her shoes and then told her how he felt about her.

I felt really sad because I realised I tread on eggshells around my boyfriend. If I ever tell him how I feel about something he immediately dismisses how I feel, he will be loud, he will say really hurtful things, our last conversation he told me to top myself. When I said that wasn’t acceptable he told me I can’t contextualise a sentence?!

He never ever apologises about anything, he will change how things happened in the past to make me look like the bad guy and he thinks because he shouts and swears he’s right. I’m crying because I can’t remember the last time my feelings were validated. I told my friend and she was like wow he sounds abusive, is this really abuse? Is there anyway through this

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 05/12/2022 05:46

He doesn’t sound great; he’s not nice to you and he told you to kill yourself- why are you staying? Listen to your friend

Pictograph · 05/12/2022 05:48

You need to ditch him OP. A partner should be someone who makes you feel good. Not someone who shouts and swears and doesn't listen to you and tells you to top yourself. He sounds awful Sad

Original poster
Crunchycooki · 05/12/2022 05:49

When he’s nice it feels good. But there are more and more instances of when he’s mean or he twists things.

He hasn’t apologised for telling me to Jill myself, he just steamrollers right through making conversation like it’s normal a few days later

OP posts:
dolor · 05/12/2022 05:50

Oh sweetheart he's gaslighting you, amongst so many other HORRIBLE things.

Yes, what he's doing is very much abuse. I think you need to leave.

Original poster
Crunchycooki · 05/12/2022 05:54

It’s so weird to get my head around, like he’s always said I’m the problem, he never has problems like this with anyone else in his life. Just me. So I’ve tried to keep quiet because I’m the problem, seeing my friend and her boyfriend I was just shocked. We have a baby together and it’s so hard to just let go

OP posts:
Canuck48 · 05/12/2022 05:58

He is the problem. He gaslights you to make you believe you are the problem. Shouting and swearing shouldn’t be part of a healthy relationship.

How you describe it, he sounds emotionally abusive. I would start looking at an exit strategy. If you can’t be yourself in your relationship, there is a problem.

quinceh · 05/12/2022 06:00

Sounds as if he’s making you feel rubbish about yourself and making no effort to change that. Of course you’re not the problem but if you stay with him you might always feel like you are. I think it’s good that you saw an example of an alternative.

Crosswithlifeatm · 05/12/2022 06:04

You need to get out before he has sapped all your confidence,you have already started to believe him .
How old is your baby and did this behaviour increase after the birth?

girlmom21 · 05/12/2022 06:06

You ask if there's any way through this but it doesn't appear he believes there's anything wrong with his behaviour so he won't change. I'm sorry OP but leaving him is the only way - before your child is old enough to understand.

Original poster
Crunchycooki · 05/12/2022 06:08

When I had the baby it was really rough, he punched a wall because I argued back. I’m sat here thinking of all these arguments. He has gotten worse since the baby. He makes me feel confused, i would love for him to change but you’re right he thinks he’s right

OP posts:
ForeverTheOptomist · 05/12/2022 06:21

I'm so so sorry. This is too awful. I know it won't be easy, especially as you have a child, but you need to get away from him. I don't know if this helps, but I was married to a man who was very frightening, abusive and a complete bully. One day I said to myself, ok, I need to get out, but firstly I need to build my strength. And I did, and left with my three children. It hasn't been easy, but, my life is happy.

Crosswithlifeatm · 05/12/2022 07:05

I asked because for some reason these things start or escalate with the arrival of a baby .
It is getting worse.If he punched a wall it could be you next,you don't want you or your baby going through that .
Get all your documents away with someone you trust and prepare to leave but don't tell him.Leaving is when you are most at risk.
Woman aid can give advice and probably others on here.
Please take care and good luck.You deserve better.

daretodenim · 05/12/2022 07:33

It abuse. Definitely.

Psychological abuse is at least as damaging as physical, some would say more. Others point out it doesn't matter, both are damaging.

There's a way through this. Start by believing yourself. You're entitled to every thought and every feeling you have. He does not need to agree in order for them to be right. They are right. You really have to start this today. Just do it inside your head. Your feelings of sadness are because you're sad. Your feelings of isolation are because you're emotionally isolated. Your feelings of being unheard are because you're unheard! And let's say he does listen to you sometimes. Well, it's not enough. You're allowed to need or want what you do. And if he can't meet those needs then you're not compatible.

You also need to start organising how you're going to leave. And you have to leave. The feelings of confusion will never ever stop while you're living with him. Do not discuss with him that you're thinking about leaving. Don't threaten to leave. Do not mention it at all. You don't need his permission.

Remember too that a partner who loved you more than his own feelings of self-worth stemming from making you feel like shit would never behave like this. He'd behave like your DF's partner.

It's abuse. The way through is out.

dolor · 05/12/2022 22:13

He's gotten worse because taking care of a baby means you're paying him less attention.

Do you have any family that can help?

Autumntimeagain · 06/12/2022 10:05

Yes, OP, it's abuse.

He's already got you believing that YOU are somehow 'to blame' for HIS actions/reactions to things !

It's NOT you ! It's never, ever been YOUR fault that he's an abusive asshole !

It always gets worse once the abuser thinks you're 'stuck' with him because you've had a child.

He's a prick. he's selfish. He's nasty. He's controlling.

And he'll never change. Get out now.

whattodo1975 · 06/12/2022 10:13

He sounds like a cunt.

Original poster
Crunchycooki · 06/12/2022 10:15

you know what, he is a cunt. Thank you so much for your replies, it feels so good to have my feelings validated and to be listened to. I feel like it’s the wrong time of year to get him out of my house but I just see him in a completely different light now

OP posts:
category12 · 06/12/2022 10:16

Yes, it's abuse.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 06/12/2022 10:19

You are in an abusive relationship with this man Crunchicooki. Abusers as well further ramp up the abuse aka power and control against their chosen target during pregnancy and post birth. Abusers as well always think its everyone else's fault except their own. Such men too hate women, all of them.

How can you be helped here into leaving your abuser?. You cannot and must not continue to raise your child in such an abusive environment. Your child is in turn being abused too.

What did you learn about relationships from childhood onwards? Was your parents relationship with each other also abusive?.

category12 · 06/12/2022 10:20

It getting worse when you were pregnant/had a baby is classic within abusive relationships. The deeper you're in the relationship, the more they feel complacent to ramp up their behaviour.

Speak to Women's Aid. Make a plan to exit the relationship for your own sake and your child's sake.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 06/12/2022 10:22

He has never shown you any consideration whatsoever. These types really do hate women and all of them.

It may well be coming up to Christmas but it is absolutely NOT the wrong time to get him out of your house. He will make your Christmas a misery. Where he goes from there is not your problem.

He needs to be removed from both your home and life asap before he does you and your child by him any more emotional damage. If you at any time feel unsafe in your own home and/or he kicks off call the police

AttilaTheMeerkat · 06/12/2022 10:24

Going forward too I would urge you to contact Womens Aid to get their support and from that do the Freedom Programme. This man targeted you and deliberately in order to abuse you. Your boundaries in relationships, perhaps already affected by previous abuse, have been and are being further trashed by this individual now. He needs to go and go as soon as.

dolor · 06/12/2022 16:45

Crunchycooki · 06/12/2022 10:15

you know what, he is a cunt. Thank you so much for your replies, it feels so good to have my feelings validated and to be listened to. I feel like it’s the wrong time of year to get him out of my house but I just see him in a completely different light now

It's the perfect time of year to kick him out. He can fuck off whence he came.

musingsinmidlife · 06/12/2022 16:47

Sounds like her boyfriend is you. The only who takes responsibility for both people's feelings and is passive to end the argument. She didn't validate her boyfriend's feelings based on what you said.

From the description, both yours and hers are one sided - just in your case it is you doing the validating and in her case it is him.

Dittosaw · 06/12/2022 16:48

If you aren’t happy, leave.

Swipe left for the next trending thread