I think untreated ADHD has killed our marriage

[lokabrenna]

If you know undiagnosed ADHD then I think you will know what I mean. I feel ignored, dismissed and unexciting. I also feel like I’m used as entertainment. A background actor in someone else’s movie.

But it turns out that maybe it’s ADHD. This somehow isn’t reassuring, it means he can’t change and now this feels like a life sentence. I’m not sure I can take anymore, the idea that he could change or improve was all I had.

Leave?

im not sure how to start to leave. It seems harsh to leave when he’s seeking a diagnosis

Meds make a difference, they really do. Not sure (3 years in) if it’s a big enough one but they really really do change things.

You are not required to set yourself in fire to keep someone else warm. If you’re desperately unhappy in a relationship, you shouldn’t be in said relationship.

Without knowing more about your situation, can’t speak to the ‘how’.

I absolutely understand OP. Can you give it a little time? If he is diagnosed and medicated he may be a totally different person.

I am I'm exactly the same boat. I feel the same things you said you feel.

Wafor him to iting

Diagnosis is only helpful if it leads to better self understanding/awareness and a commitment to finding ways to managing the more negative aspects of his behaviour.
Changes can be made but only if he wants to.
You would perhaps have to make some changes also ( in expectations, if nothing else).
If the diagnosis isn’t going to lead to any positive change for you then you need to think very hard about what you want for your future.

I have ADHD…gawd, I feel bad about it. All the times my OH has been talking to me and I’m focused on something else. I forget to do something I’ve promised a million times I would do. Change the subject, literally in mid-air while he’s speaking, before realising. Getting so hyperfocussed on something that I forget he or the rest of life exists (hello Mumsnet, it’s 11pm and he’s been waiting for me in bed for the last hour but I’m still downstairs posting). Go away for work for a few days and forget he exists. Late all the time. Sudden, swift anger (controlled but comes out as unnecessary snarkiness and casting mega-shade). Tons of half finished jobs around the house.

Is any of this triggering you?

Mine is untreated. Waiting times are around 3 years in our area - with PsychiatryUK under the GP Right to Choose, this has been reduced to around 18 months. But that’s still a very long time to wait (I’m awaiting medication triage which should hopefully start after Christmas). I don’t know if it will even help.

My OH is amazing to me. Sure, he gets annoyed and frustrated sometimes but 99.9% of the time, he accepts me for who I am and that has meant that for the first time I’ve flourished. I feel free to just be me and not feel judged for it…I don’t feel like there are expectations that I can’t possibly fulfil. He is so patient with me, and really tries to meet me half way.

I literally don’t hear him talking to me when I’m hyperfocussing on something else? He knows to touch my shoulder first so I refocus on him.

Have I just sat down and got into something important? Gives me some alone time as any distractions could end up breaking my focus entirely for the whole day and I’ll not be able to get back to it again.

Talking non-stop about my latest obsession to the point I forget the super-important thing that I know he was waiting to tell me the outcome of (like a job interview or something)? Waits for me to finish, knowing that it’s not that I don’t care or that it’s not important to me, my brain just hasn’t caught up yet and when he does tell me, I’ll refocus ENTIRELY on that!

Keep forgetting to do the thing that’s crucial to do (like getting ready to see my therapist)? He sets an alarm for me and reminds me in plenty of time to get myself sorted.

Wrapped up in his arms when suddenly I absolutely cannot sit still or breathe or fucking hell, I need to move I need to get out let me go this is torture i need space i need room i need air let me go let me go LETMEGO!… (actual flip inside my head in the space of a microsecond)…he just lets me go and knows I need to sleep with space all around me. Sometimes in another room. Sometimes the sensation of his breath on my neck makes me want to scream. Sometimes the sound of him eating normally just makes me want to kill him and so I need to walk out. He gives me that room, that space, instantly and without question. It’s not him. It’s the inside of my head. He knows that, even though I’ve never explained it to him.

All those ways and more, he helps me to just be happy being me. And we ADHDers are awesome btw - so much energy and creativity and empathy and affection when we’re not getting pulled in a million different directions by the dozen simultaneous conversations happening in our heads right this second.

But, y’know, you have to kinda grow with it. Me in my 20s with untreated ADHD and the resultant trauma-based mental health issues? Fucking nightmare. I wouldn’t want to have had the bad luck of dating me back then. Or knowing me, even. I was a mess.

Counselling is key…if you’ve had ADHD but never known it, it is likely you have self-esteem issues, an inferiority complex, chronically low confidence, a very poor view of yourself (as lazy, disorganised, quick to anger, impulsive, thoughtless, uncaring, messy, unreliable, underperforming - basically a massive disappointment to everyone)…that requires a lot of therapy to get past.

However, ADHD is a neurological disorder. Sure. It predisposes those of us with it to present all those negative traits (along with the wonderful ones like remembering exactly how much you love someone with all the full force of the first time you fell for them like eight times a week). But sometimes people are just dicks, ADHD or no. Maybe, your dude is a twat. Maybe, he has ADHD. Maybe he is a twat who has ADHD. That’s something only the two of you can know. But, if he’s found out he has it and he wants to work on somehow being better, for both of you? Then I’d give him a chance (while knowing that his scatty behaviour is literally coded into his DNA and won’t change, only how he handles it will).

Thanks for all your comments. I can wait for him to complete diagnosis. It’s been years, so another year won’t hurt. I have set myself on fire to keep someone else warm, and there isn’t much left of me to burn.

@LaughingCat i do a lot of the things you describe as helping for my OH already, but after years and years he’s still bored and restless, and often moody and unpleasant to live with. I am running out of energy. I’m not sure that’s what you want to hear as someone with ADHD yourself!

I wish my STBX and I had realised that ADHD was a possibility. Instead , I felt unheard and was so frustrated. Had I known that maybe he could not help it or could have been treated , it would have made me feel less unappreciated . As it was, I lost all respect for him at his persistent incompetence and resented having the burden of responsibility for everything.

Medication helps but it’s not a miracle cure, tbh. More that it takes the edge off.

A diagnosis does also help a little in that now I know DP isn’t actively being a cunt, there’s an explanation. But it doesn’t mean the behaviours and difficulties are gone or easy to live with, more that now I know why. I do sometimes think about life without him, which would be both harder/easier.

Medical condition or unbearable personality or both- in principle it doesn’t really matter what your partner is dealing with. Because if you absolutely can’t live with it, you don’t have to live with it. That saying don’t set yourself on fire is very apt.
Not saying separation or divorce is easy or makes everybody happy- of course not. But that’s a different sort of question.

Why did you marry him? He has all these traits that you now can't cope with but you could cope before? That doesn't make sense.

Oblomov22 it doesn’t work like that does it. There’s the “honeymoon” phase, there’s him making the effort to behave socially appropriately, there’s the cumulative grinding impact on the wife, and there him getting worse. I expect with all that most of the goodwill that would allow op to tolerate it has gone

That is taking too long. My friend had it done privately this summer, wait list was a few weeks.

How much would it cost you to break up? Money to move your stuff and a deposit on a place, plus ongoing additional costs? I'd find the £300 and get it booked.

Do also consider how much you want to be with him though. Medication doesn't necessarily cure everything and has its own side effects.

@HairyKitty i think it does work like that to an extent though. I have one with ADHD among other things. They would be incapable of modifying themselves for a ‘honeymoon phase’ and it is what it is, will never get better OR worse. I already see how women think with them - they see someone good looking, great career, great income, high savings, very high potential. Yep, they have these ‘pesky traits’ but many women are deliberately blind to these thinking that once they are locked in with a ring on it and have the advantages of the great income/lifestyle they can somehow change them???????? Hilarious. Obviously they can’t. Then it all falls apart with the obligatory moaning on an Internet forum and to anyone who will listen as to how hard done by they are.

I think its a spectrum - I had undiagnosed adhd until I was 52 and our marriage is not like that.
he has to decide if he wants help and you have to decide if you are prepared to wait. No one would blame you if you aren’t

I suspect my ex has undiagnosed ADHD. It wore me down. Tbh even if he had sorted it at that point we were too far gone. I think it had probably affected his MH too much in that even when medicated there would still be issues.

ADHD is in quite a bit of the population and lots of us have happy marriages. It just might be who he is does suit you. I be am assuming he was checked for ASD when he was assessed for adhd? They are commonly together.
But this lack of attention for you is not my experience of adhd and I know quite a few people who have been diagnosed with it including me.
I can’t even think of what you mean when you say you are used for entertainment - definately not a adhd trait.

I have ADHD but I do try not to be a twat. I have had a lot of counselling and am pretty self aware - the meds have made things a lot easier for me but they have not changed my personality.

Honestly, your DH just sounds awful and it may be that the long-term damage he has done to your relationship can't be repaired. Does he want to fix things? Does he care about the impact his behaviour has had on you? If the answer is no now, I'd be extremely surprised if anything changed post-diagnosis.

Good luck to you

Also have ADHD and am nothing like your husband. The moodiness, treating you as entertainment etc aren’t specifically ADHD traits, but would seem to indicate a fundamental lack of respect for you. Do you think he respects you? Because if the answer is no, it’s unlikely a diagnosis/meds will change that (if your complaints were more things like impulsive behaviour or persistent forgetfulness I would say medication has good potential to fix those things)

Undiagnosed ADHD almost ended my marriage. Getting a diagnosis saved it. My DH finally understood that I wasn't just a complaining wench and read a book that helped him understand my side of things. He then worked on it and we're strong again today. I hope this is encouraging to you.

I think a lot people with adhd whether they realise it or not end up with other ADHD partners.

I used to think it was Dh putting up with me and my quirks and dismissed some traits of dh’s as just his quirks but now diagnosed and looking into symptoms we all agree Dh has Adhd as well.

Remember talking Dh in a pub and Dh talking to me at the same time. We were both speaking and hearing what the there was saying as we couldn’t stop and wait for the other to finish and we held most conversations like that and someone pointing out how we never listened to each other and Dh and I being quite perplexed that someone thought that

@lifeinthehills - what book was that, out of curiosity?

It's called The ADHD Effect on Marriage. By Melissa Orlov.

My husband came home with it and handed it to me. I asked him, "Who has ADHD?" (waiting for a potential accusation). He said, "I do." I think our marriage turned around that day. It helped us both understand the other, be forgiving and sort it out.