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Original poster

I think untreated ADHD has killed our marriage

49 replies

lokabrenna · 04/12/2022 22:11

If you know undiagnosed ADHD then I think you will know what I mean. I feel ignored, dismissed and unexciting. I also feel like I’m used as entertainment. A background actor in someone else’s movie.

But it turns out that maybe it’s ADHD. This somehow isn’t reassuring, it means he can’t change and now this feels like a life sentence. I’m not sure I can take anymore, the idea that he could change or improve was all I had.

OP posts:
Isthatascratchonmygrandmother · 07/12/2022 22:10

Oblomov22 · 05/12/2022 04:59

Why did you marry him? He has all these traits that you now can't cope with but you could cope before? That doesn't make sense.

My husband masked the fuck out of his adhd when we met. Complete different chap to the man I married because he became comfortable enough to drop the act and be himself. I was distraught. Alot of hard years trying to work out my feelings for this new person with a glimmer of the man I met. Anyway, long story short, he's diagnosed now and we are working on it. Its very hard though.

HoppingPavlova · 08/12/2022 05:30

My husband masked the fuck out of his adhd when we met. Complete different chap to the man I married because he became comfortable enough to drop the act and be himself

He was able to mask 24/7 for a few years? Kudos to him I guess but quite the unicorn.

ittakes2 · 08/12/2022 06:02

I am really sorry but I think you need to speak to a marriage counsellor now rather than wait a year to see if he ‘improves’. You need to unpick what is adhd that he might need to be more self aware of and what is just him being a twat. I have adhd if that helps.

lifeinthehills · 08/12/2022 06:38

HoppingPavlova · 08/12/2022 05:30

My husband masked the fuck out of his adhd when we met. Complete different chap to the man I married because he became comfortable enough to drop the act and be himself

He was able to mask 24/7 for a few years? Kudos to him I guess but quite the unicorn.

People with ADHD usually have a current obsession or special interest they devote all their energy to. At the beginning of a relationship (usually about 3 years) YOU are their special interest or obsesssion, so they are the most amazing and devoted person. In that time frame, most people get married. Then they eventually move onto their next focus leaving their partner wondering where they went.

marplemead · 08/12/2022 06:44

I was you. Realising that my H had ADHD (which I know is a label for a heterogeneous condition) also felt like a life sentence.

And then my ex left, because he didn't want to manage his ADHD. I have two DC and decided to put me and them first. I'm devastated, but I am looking forward to finally being the lead in my own movie.

I'm not saying you should leave. Every person with ADHD is different. And you're right, he won't change. But he could improve how he manages the things that make your relationship so hard. Does he want to?

OutDamnedSpot · 08/12/2022 07:01

@LaughingCat - great post.

loislovesstewie · 08/12/2022 07:04

@LaughingCat you have just described my late husband to a t.He also had ASD. Since he died, and I know this is going to sound awful so apologies, I've realized just how stressful everyday life was. He refused counselling BTW.

Moosiemoo14 · 08/12/2022 07:31

As someone diagnosed with ADHD this year, and medicated, I can say getting the understanding switched on a lot of lightbulb moments between DH and I where we were struggling. But we had a great marriage at the base of it all, and so thinking about ways to change my behaviours or reactions / switching up who does what / preparing better for events / bit more empathy in hard moments etc has improved our relationship though would not have resolved really fundamental issues.

The thing with meds is they can improve your focus and keep you in the present, little bit better with time keeping, but they can’t change things like emotional sensitivity. These things take recognition and hard work to become self aware of and change, both before and after diagnosis. For a lot of it you don’t even need a diagnosis, just research and a willingness to try out changes to see if there’s a resulting difference! Have a think together about whether these are things that can be tackled or in fact if there isn’t a desire to.

HairyKitty · 08/12/2022 07:35

Unlike laughingcat, a major part of the issue though is the unwillingness to acknowledge the problem or make efforts to fix any of them.

I wonder if this head in the sand attitude is more common in men than women?
An ADHD partner believing it’s never them and always you, and refusing to take any action to change is utterly draining and depressing.

Isthatascratchonmygrandmother · 08/12/2022 08:15

HoppingPavlova · 08/12/2022 05:30

My husband masked the fuck out of his adhd when we met. Complete different chap to the man I married because he became comfortable enough to drop the act and be himself

He was able to mask 24/7 for a few years? Kudos to him I guess but quite the unicorn.

Erm...yes, he was. Haven't just made it up off the top of my head to suit my story. 🤣

LaughingCat · 08/12/2022 08:19

loislovesstewie · 08/12/2022 07:04

@LaughingCat you have just described my late husband to a t.He also had ASD. Since he died, and I know this is going to sound awful so apologies, I've realized just how stressful everyday life was. He refused counselling BTW.

Ohhh…I’m so sorry @loislovesstewie - both for the loss of your husband and the challenges you guys must have faced with his refusal to seek professional help. I’d have been lost without it, I’m not going to pretend otherwise. I hope life is at least a little less unpredictable now.
@OutDamnedSpot - thank you. @HairyKitty - I came back on to say the exact same thing. You’ve got to acknowledge that you have a problem in the first place. @lokabrenna I wouldn’t find any of your words hard to hear (I’m aware of how, erm, challenging we can be!). And I’m sure you are supporting him in all the ways - that phrase ‘setting yourself on fire to keep him warm’ is going to flipping haunt me. He’s got to want to support himself…and you, too. We have executive functioning issues, not a lack of empathy (quite the opposite). Sure, growing up with undiagnosed ADHD is likely to give rise to some spectacular mental health issues but those are within our power to fix, (unlike the inattentive hyperactivity lol). If he doesn’t appreciate you, what you’re doing for him and want to support you in turn…? He’s the twat who just happens to have ADHD.

AshGirl · 08/12/2022 10:21

He’s the twat who just happens to have ADHD.

Love this @LaughingCat - it's not the ADHD that kills marriages, but if you're a twat about it then there's not much chance that will change, regardless of any treatment or diagnosis!

Original poster
lokabrenna · 08/12/2022 19:31

I hear those of you saying I need to tell him how I feel. But he takes rejection and negative feedback very very badly. So over the years I have just given up.

here are some of the behaviours that I feel are damaging our marriage, maybe they are not all the adhd:

  • forgets things I have told him that are important to me, for example keeps buying me foods that I dislike as a ‘treat’
  • cant complete a job around the house, leaves washing in the dryer, tools in piles, paperwork everywhere (then asks me where things are)
  • emotionally distant now I am no longer his main focus, but then occasionally over showy, for example buying me a huge bunch of flowers at the end of the week having ignored me for most of the week
  • needs constant validation, and seeks this validation from other women if I don’t offer it on a daily basis
  • gets hyper focused on other people, mostly other women
  • expects me to entertain him every weekend, gets moody if I want to stay home
  • gets fed up if I do my own hobby’s and don’t involve him
  • addicted to his phone, moans when other people spend the day on their laptop
  • expects lots of sex, consumes lots of porn and asks me to do things he has seen like I’m a live action version (this has stopped after I blew up over this)
  • Spends lots of money and time on his own hobbies to the detriment of responsibility at home (cleaning, looking after the kids)
  • if I tell him something has upset me he attempts to one up me and find something bigger that I have done to upset him
  • Tells lies about his spending which I think he believes are just white lies so don’t matter
  • gets pissy when I have savings, as he can’t keep hold of money as he spends it as soon as it’s built up
  • decides he suddenly hates one of our friends so we can’t see them as a couple anymore
  • gets pissy when I don’t invite him out with the couple he decided he hates
  • any therapy he has he just ends up telling them all the wonderful things he has achieved via his hyper focus and using the sessions as further validation, therefore getting nowhere
OP posts:
boilingstormyseas · 08/12/2022 19:44

I too am at my wits end with my DH who has undiagnosed adhd and who refuses to acknowledge it. He's away at the moment and I've sent him this:

www.adhdmarriage.com/content/men-adhd-who-arent-convinced-it-matters

He was shocked when he realised how familiar the issues were, how the adhd was the cause and the awful negative impact it has had on me. He's resolved to do something about it now ... we shall see ...

RishisProudMum · 08/12/2022 19:44

lokabrenna · 08/12/2022 19:31

I hear those of you saying I need to tell him how I feel. But he takes rejection and negative feedback very very badly. So over the years I have just given up.

here are some of the behaviours that I feel are damaging our marriage, maybe they are not all the adhd:

  • forgets things I have told him that are important to me, for example keeps buying me foods that I dislike as a ‘treat’
  • cant complete a job around the house, leaves washing in the dryer, tools in piles, paperwork everywhere (then asks me where things are)
  • emotionally distant now I am no longer his main focus, but then occasionally over showy, for example buying me a huge bunch of flowers at the end of the week having ignored me for most of the week
  • needs constant validation, and seeks this validation from other women if I don’t offer it on a daily basis
  • gets hyper focused on other people, mostly other women
  • expects me to entertain him every weekend, gets moody if I want to stay home
  • gets fed up if I do my own hobby’s and don’t involve him
  • addicted to his phone, moans when other people spend the day on their laptop
  • expects lots of sex, consumes lots of porn and asks me to do things he has seen like I’m a live action version (this has stopped after I blew up over this)
  • Spends lots of money and time on his own hobbies to the detriment of responsibility at home (cleaning, looking after the kids)
  • if I tell him something has upset me he attempts to one up me and find something bigger that I have done to upset him
  • Tells lies about his spending which I think he believes are just white lies so don’t matter
  • gets pissy when I have savings, as he can’t keep hold of money as he spends it as soon as it’s built up
  • decides he suddenly hates one of our friends so we can’t see them as a couple anymore
  • gets pissy when I don’t invite him out with the couple he decided he hates
  • any therapy he has he just ends up telling them all the wonderful things he has achieved via his hyper focus and using the sessions as further validation, therefore getting nowhere

Jesus Christ. Leave this man! The issue here isn’t ADHD, your husband is an arsehole. I’m sorry, but he sounds grotesque.

boilingstormyseas · 08/12/2022 19:47

The adhd affects on wives isn't spoken about but many of those things you've described are familiar (but never spoken about).

roarfeckingroarr · 08/12/2022 20:04

He sounds like an arsehole, ADHD or not

suzyscat · 08/12/2022 20:53

lokabrenna · 08/12/2022 19:31

I hear those of you saying I need to tell him how I feel. But he takes rejection and negative feedback very very badly. So over the years I have just given up.

here are some of the behaviours that I feel are damaging our marriage, maybe they are not all the adhd:

  • forgets things I have told him that are important to me, for example keeps buying me foods that I dislike as a ‘treat’
  • cant complete a job around the house, leaves washing in the dryer, tools in piles, paperwork everywhere (then asks me where things are)
  • emotionally distant now I am no longer his main focus, but then occasionally over showy, for example buying me a huge bunch of flowers at the end of the week having ignored me for most of the week
  • needs constant validation, and seeks this validation from other women if I don’t offer it on a daily basis
  • gets hyper focused on other people, mostly other women
  • expects me to entertain him every weekend, gets moody if I want to stay home
  • gets fed up if I do my own hobby’s and don’t involve him
  • addicted to his phone, moans when other people spend the day on their laptop
  • expects lots of sex, consumes lots of porn and asks me to do things he has seen like I’m a live action version (this has stopped after I blew up over this)
  • Spends lots of money and time on his own hobbies to the detriment of responsibility at home (cleaning, looking after the kids)
  • if I tell him something has upset me he attempts to one up me and find something bigger that I have done to upset him
  • Tells lies about his spending which I think he believes are just white lies so don’t matter
  • gets pissy when I have savings, as he can’t keep hold of money as he spends it as soon as it’s built up
  • decides he suddenly hates one of our friends so we can’t see them as a couple anymore
  • gets pissy when I don’t invite him out with the couple he decided he hates
  • any therapy he has he just ends up telling them all the wonderful things he has achieved via his hyper focus and using the sessions as further validation, therefore getting nowhere

There are plenty of workable issues that arise in neuro divergent relationships. Learning your partners triggers and abilities and cutting each other some slack and learning how to meet each others needs can be life changing, I don't think that would stop your partner being awful though.

Never actually said this before but LTB. His attitude to other women and his disrespect of you won't change change with a diagnosis. Even if it's exacerbated by his ADHD it's nasty behaviour. ADHD might make you annoyingly forgetful, prone to over sharing, terrible at time keeping, really messy and appear lazy etc, it does not make you a cunt.

MustardCress · 08/12/2022 22:07

He may have ADHD traits but from what you have said, if it is more than just his simply being a horrible person, then he might also have other diagnosable traits such as lacking empathy, emotional lability, possibly scoring on the narcissism and/or sociopathic scale, some traits suggestive of Borderline Personality Disorder too (though this is a contested diagnosis these days) It’s worth reading about these. Many traits that are severe enough to fall into the pathological will overlap between conditions.

Not all diagnostic processes or psychiatrists will look for alternative diagnoses if a patient pushes for a particular one or has learned what answers to give (unintentionally or not) so beware of that too.

I think if his empathy and basic decency are fundamentally lacking then you will never be happy if all that changes is better strategies to work on time keeping and spending. I think the risk with a man like this is that he will merely use his diagnosis against you. Be very wary Flowers

emilydickinsonscat · 09/12/2022 00:43

Honestly your list was quite the drip feed.

He sounds an absolute arsehole.

I know a fair amount of people with ADHD and I would say they are 'all over the shop' but they are also the warmest, most loving people I know.

Your husband doesn't sound like he has ADHD, but he does sound like he's a piece of work that he has manipulated you into not leaving him at the same time as treating you with utter contempt.
Maybe he's just an evil genius?

spottygymbag · 09/12/2022 02:13

It does sound like there are more issues than just the ADHD but from your list I can see many that would/could stem from it.
DH is diagnosed, medicated and sees a psychiatrist occasionally, and a psychologist more regularly. It's cost an arm and a leg but was cheaper than divorce and relocating myself and the kids.
He often describes it as having no start button. He knows what he needs to do and how to do it and where all the bits are to get it done but he just can't start.
There may be other things going on that exacerbate the adhd and vice versa. DH has depression and anxiety, likely the result of a lifetime struggling undiagnosed.
Agree with previous posters that he has to accept there is an issue in the first place, and then be willing to work on it.
And for those previous posters who don't understand how op could have missed it- it's very common for adults with undiagnosed adhd to keep things mostly together until you'd start piling up the additional responsibilities that come as you progress through life. Tricky but not impossible whene you are single, or just in a couple, but start adding in more responsibility at work, DC, aging parents, etc etc... it can reach a tipping point where it falls apart. The pandemic didn't help either because it stripped away a lot of the routines used as coping mechanisms.

Nicewarmfeet · 09/12/2022 02:51

My goodness this thread!! So much of it makes sense to me. I divorced my DH a few years ago and he told me recently he's had an ADHD diagnosis (we have a child together so still in touch). So much of what people have said here makes sense. He has a new partner now and good luck to her. I'm glad to be free!

OP I'm on the other side now. If you do decide to leave it is a lovely calm life waiting for you. My brain is so still now I only need to organise myself and my dd. The day the financial order came and I knew he couldn't financially ruin me anymore I cried with relief! I felt like I'd been trying to keep a runaway train on the tracks and finally I could stop. It was amazing just to let him run free and know his financial (and other general) recklessness could no longer bring me down.

ADHDchange · 09/12/2022 06:55

HoppingPavlova · 08/12/2022 05:30

My husband masked the fuck out of his adhd when we met. Complete different chap to the man I married because he became comfortable enough to drop the act and be himself

He was able to mask 24/7 for a few years? Kudos to him I guess but quite the unicorn.

Not really - many of us have done it for life and can find it very hard to drop

Original poster
lokabrenna · 09/12/2022 13:21

@Nicewarmfeet i want the lovely calm life, I’m done with this high speed treadmill i keep getting dragged onto!

I heard someone say “poor planning on your part does not necessitate an emergency on mine” and oh how I wish that was my life 😆

OP posts:
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