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Original poster

How would you feel if new date disclosed previous drug use?

44 replies

Smarties86 · 04/12/2022 21:49

New boyfriend has been honest up front and said that he was a long term cannabis smoker, came off it after he realised it was affecting his mental health, glad to be off it and feels the benefits. Would take edibles every now and again but would never smoke it. Also disclosed using party drugs for many years up until recently. Says he can take or leave them and hasn’t used them in a few months. He said if I/any new partner wasn’t keen he wouldn’t do it. mid 30s with a professional job, own house etc i have a young child. I don’t like to judge anyone on their past but I would like to hear what your initial thoughts would be on this?

OP posts:

ThatEdgyFeeling · 04/12/2022 21:51

L9ng term weed smoker would.cocern me more than occasional party drug use. I would keep seeing him but just keep an eye on how they relax etc

MrNook · 04/12/2022 21:51

I'd say good on him for stopping and realising it was having an effect on his mental health, wouldn't bother me now that he wasn't using them

Original poster

Smarties86 · 05/12/2022 13:13

Would this put you off him as a potential partner?

OP posts:

chipsandpeas · 05/12/2022 13:15

wouldnt put me off, i took recreational drugs when i was younger so coldnt judge anyone else for doing the same

RuthW · 05/12/2022 13:16

It would definitely put me off unless it was 30 years or so ago

Aquamarine1029 · 05/12/2022 13:17

It would be a hard pass for me.

Googlecanthelpme · 05/12/2022 13:25

Depends. I find it cringe personally, 20s is fine for party drugs, gets a bit sad in your 30s and upwards.

But, if it was clear from their current lifestyle that they were no longer in that headspace and it truly was something they’d moved past I’d be fine with it.

id probably be fine with someone smoking weed every now and then too, I’d take an occasional joint over a regular boozer. I’d happily have the odd spliff if I didn’t have kids, as it is I’ll have to wait until they’ve grown and moved out 🤣

Kabalagala · 05/12/2022 13:29

Complete no go for me. I'm 100% anti recreational drugs as I'm 100% anti exploitation and trafficking.

Mynoodlesareoodles · 05/12/2022 13:30

I'd be suspicious of him saying he has stopped party drugs in the last few months. That seems like a mighty coincidence when he's just met you and presumably has been taking drugs since his teens.

minticecreamisjustok · 05/12/2022 13:30

Testing you to gage how you feel about drugs and if he's still got chance to date you and use them. He's only stopped for a few months, I wouldn't put much trust in this. Definitely wouldn't see him as a potential long term partner.

page1of4 · 05/12/2022 13:33

From experience, run. Fast.

EBearhug · 05/12/2022 13:56

I'd probably question them on what they think about the ethics of drug production and supply. It would also depend on the drugs - the occasional spliff is different from heroin, or getting coked up every weekend.

A history in itself isn't an issue (else you'd probably have to ignore half my generation,) but only a few months ago is rather different from decades ago - but then I've got a couple more decades on than you, so my twenties were a long time ago. I think I'd go with the poster above who suggested seeing how they relax, manage stress etc. Also how they handle drink, but then my mother was an alcoholic, do I have all that history.

Lochroy · 05/12/2022 14:01

I would be a big fat no from me.

His version of 'now and again' and 'until very recently' and 'a few months' might be quite different to what you or I might think or might be complete bs and he's testing your reaction before potentially keeping further details from you.
If he can take them or leave them why hasn't he left them?
He's pushing the decision on you which is not the right reason for making a decision, places undue pressure on you so early in a relationship and potentially stores up issues for the future.

I'm a firm believer in second chances, but none of this feels like it's particularly in the past.

Ilovelurchers · 05/12/2022 14:03

Most adults I know who I have discussed it with have taken recreational drugs at some point - obviously lots haven't too, but it's hardly uncommon. Also most adults have and still do drink alcohol, which is potentially more problematic than a lot of other recreational drugs, in terms of how it might influence their conduct day to day.

So it wouldn't bother me no. Nice that he has been open about it I would say.

hugefanofcheese · 05/12/2022 14:05

It all feels very recent/ current for my liking.

Depending what party drugs he means, this may put me off more given the ethics involved with say, cocaine production and transportation. I personally wouldn't want someone who is casually ok with buying into that.

ShandaLear · 05/12/2022 14:07

Nope, far too soon. If he’d said 10 years ago then maybe, but at the moment I wouldn’t trust him not to go back on them. The risk of having someone on drugs around my children would be uncomfortable for me.

FetchezLaVache · 05/12/2022 14:11

He's not a former user, though. He might have stopped the weed, but he's telling you loud and clear he's still into his "party drugs". I interpret "can take it or leave it and haven't in a few months" to mean "wouldn't hesitate if offered and you weren't around".

What even are "party drugs" these days - coke?

It'd be a no from me, I'm afraid.

Opentooffers · 05/12/2022 14:12

I'd say he's testing your opinion of drugs. If drugs don't feature in his life and he can chose to leave them as much as he claims why bother going into detail about it? If a person really has drawn a line under it and moved on, I'm not convinced they would bring it up so easily.
If a new partner was OK with it, he'd be fine doing it, is the implication here by what he's said. Somehow he will only not imbibe if you don't like it? Hmm.. not sure I buy that, he just now knows how much he needs to hide it.

Smearywindowsagain · 05/12/2022 14:15

Nope. I’d pass on him

lovelypidgeon · 05/12/2022 14:18

I'd be very wary, especially as you have a child. Obviously it may well be that he has recently realised the benefits of being drug free and would be happy not using again. However, I have the misfortune of having known people who struggled with drug use. They all minimised their own use for a long time (eg. lying about how regularly they used/what they used/how they used), especially with potential partners, until it became obvious that they were regular users of some fairly nasty stuff. The 'haven't used for a few months', 'might take X but not Y', 'can take it or leave it' etc responses are frighteningly familiar to me. I'd be questioning why they are telling you that they can 'take it or leave it' and 'might' use sometimes rather than just saying that they don't intend to use again. Given the legal issues, health issues, possibility that it would put you off dating him and ethical problems with the drugs trade surely if they really could 'take it or leave it' , it would much easier to just leave it. I think 'I use some drugs sometimes but not for a few months' is a very different prospect from 'I used drugs a bit in my youth but haven't for years and have no intention of doing again'

rippleraspberry · 05/12/2022 14:20

'A few months' since taking party drugs is too recent for me and I would worry that it would become a problem. Particularly as he had issues with cannabis (how long ago was that?)

And the whole 'if my partner didn't like it I wouldn't do it' think is bullshit. I'd want him to take ownership of it himself and for him to have decided to stop. I don't want to be the one to take responsibility for that and tell him I don't like it. He should see that it's not a great thing to do.

Flaunch · 05/12/2022 14:28

The weed would be a hard pass. All the weed smokers I know are smelly, neurotic and boring. Tbh the smell alone would be an absolute no from
me 🤢 I’d also pass on a person that drank a lot because drunk people are also dull as shit.

I’d be less bothered about the party drugs, depending what they were. The odd pill is far less damaging than weed/ 10 pints of Stella.

alwayscheery · 05/12/2022 14:35

minticecreamisjustok · 05/12/2022 13:30

This

FourTeaFallOut · 05/12/2022 14:39

The best indicator of future behaviour is past behaviour. I wouldn't invest.

LadyOfTheCanyon · 05/12/2022 14:58

I did a lot of drugs in my 20s.

In my 30s I thought a lot harder about where those drugs were coming from and whether it aligned with my ethics and stance on trafficking.

Now in my 50s it would be a hard pass if a grown adult was showing by their behaviour that they didn't care about the exploitation, poverty and criminality that is behind the supply of almost all drugs.

Also "take it or leave it" usually means "take it."

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