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Original poster

All in my head?

56 replies

Veronica8 · 04/12/2022 19:19

Hey everyone

I'm married 40's with children and love my husband and kids greatly.
Many many years ago I had an encounter with a male who worked in same place as me and didn't know him, in an airport just a hello and enjoy your flight. From that tiny fleeting meeting I felt this sense of connection with him which was crazy and makes no sense.
Over the years maybe bumped into him a handful of time with maybe a hello but always feeling that connection feeling. It was very strange as I didn't even know him or even have a proper conversation.
We now work together for the last few months and we get on very well he is married with kids also.
I feel there is a very strong chemistry between us and when we see each other we always lock eyes and it feels so intense for me. I really enjoy his company and he is easy to be around. He is a very charming person.
On a recent meeting he suggested we travel overseas together for a buisness travel.
On one hand I am thinking this is just an innocent proposal as nothing could ever happen we are both married etc and would not get involved with a work colleague and I am crazy to think other wise and another part of me is wondering if this a premeditated situation for us to be alone?
My head is all over the place should I go or not or am I misreading things
In one sense I find it very exciting at the thought of travelling with him but also guilty for feeling this way too.
We met for lunch the other day and he mentioned the trip again we both locked eyes after he said it and it felt like the longest time it was like he could read my soul it was bizarre it was super intense and that lunch that day just felt very intense. This was before a another colleague joined us.
Do you think you can sense a connection like this or am I crazy and this is all in my head.
I have never been unfaithful to my husband.
I cant help think this has the classic midlife crisis all over it. Just to add I've worked closely with males all my life and have never experienced anything like this before which is why I am so confused.

OP posts:
Original poster
Veronica8 · 23/12/2022 09:07

@JeezLouiseErrrr I definitely found a connection or pull all those years ago when I first bumped into him which is why I am finding it all so confusing ....why him ? he is not even my type.
I can't explain it as it doesn't make any sense to me.

OP posts:
ButterflyOil · 23/12/2022 09:19

I think it can happen - you can feel a strong connection to someone and it’s hard to say exactly why. Could just be plain sexual chemistry, could be something about the person hits some part of you that makes an unexplored or somehow is missing from your life or unresolved.

I’ve had it many times in my life, just a really strong sense of connection. What i’ve learned is it doesn’t really mean anything overall - not in terms of some sort of ‘meant to be’ in the stars and all that. What it can mean is there is some sort of impression I have of someone that is something I want or connect with - like say maybe I see someone as being really confident and gregarious and i’d like to be like that, or it reminds me of a formative figure in my life who was like that.

The best way i’ve found of dealing with it is to reflect on the qualities about someone I think I see (which are often way different to who they really are anyway!). If you love your husband and are happy then it’s probably not about your marriage, but about you and what is missing for you in life.

Or maybe it’s just plain fancying the shit out of someone! Sexual chemistry is weird, you can have it with someone even if you don’t like them much or they aren’t your type.

Iamthesame · 23/12/2022 12:22

Don't go in there. You are playing with fire. It's not going to end well and you will suffer the consequences.
Please do get in touch with me if you would like to know what it feels like to enter an affair, and then pick up the broken pieces. Affairs are soul destroying for all invovled, but I am concentrating on you here, your own person and how this is going to affect you. I mean there are people who enter affairs and it doesn't do anything to them but from what you wrote I can see you are quite emotion driven and I know for sure an affair will destroy you. It will crush you!

Cut all contact with the man, even if you think it will be a one off, an innocent trip! Don't do it! This is unless you are set on leaving your husband and family. Only you can make the decision.

Iamthesame · 23/12/2022 12:23

*crash you

boredOf · 23/12/2022 12:28

Just go. You'll regret not going.
Only live once ......

Pineappleskies · 23/12/2022 12:28

He just sounds like your run of the mill cheat / narcissist/ predator.

Connection is based on shared values and intimacy over time. Not eye contact.

He's charming, attractive, mysterious...because he knows how to get what he wants.

All he is doing in holding eye contact and probably standing too close to you. Neither are appropriate. Neither signal love and in this case are being done cynically and manipulatively and not because he's bowled over.

All he likes about you is your naivety and the effect he can have on you and your weak boundaries.

He can mess up your life. But I wish you'd see him for what he is.

forththeroast · 23/12/2022 12:44

It could be nothing. Some people just have that look about them. Piercing eyes, prolonged eye contact. Have you tried to observe him when he interacts with others? Either way, you need to either leave your current relationship or forget this man.

Original poster
Veronica8 · 23/12/2022 13:01

The problem is I can't cut contact totally as we work together somewhat. I can make an excuse if he mentions the trip again as to why I can't go.
In one way I am wondering if he will actually mention the trip again I think he might also perhaps realise the consequences.
The last time we were in company with others it was a little awkward.
I do see him interact with other woman and he is totally a charmer so I'd say he is a player alright.

OP posts:
SlouchingTowardsBethlehemAgain · 23/12/2022 13:02

Mate. You fancy someone. It happens all the time, a wise woman would leave it alone.

Original poster
Veronica8 · 23/12/2022 13:04

@Pineappleskies your comments "All he likes about you is your naivety and the effect he can have on you and your weak boundaries"
I think you could be right about him sussing my naivety he is a few grades above me and you don't get to his level without being super smart.
I am interested why you think he might think I have weak boundaries though? How would he tell this about me?

OP posts:
forththeroast · 23/12/2022 13:08

Just to point out that not all charmers are players!

JeezLouiseErrrr · 23/12/2022 13:24

There are men who have this amazing ability to hold sustained eye contact, make you think you're the only two in a room. I had an ex like that and although he was indeed attracted to me he was a very seasoned player and had a lot of experience with flirting and women. He would do this deep eye contact looking at you like he is dying of thirst and you're a tall glass of water 😂which charmed women and made them make the first move and approach him. He figured out early in life if he looks at a woman a certain way (give her the look) she will buckle and approach him first. He knew how to get under your skin and in your head. He was romantic and the type who loved falling in love.
I think if he sensed you like him, he would be flattered rather than the cruel suggestions. I still think it's best to avoid him and not travel with him I just see heartbreak (yours to be specific) written all over this one!

JeezLouiseErrrr · 23/12/2022 13:27

I have to say, I do have striking eyes and have been 'accused' of flirting and men assumed that I had given them the eye just when I was going about my business. They would awe stricken at me and I would look back in my mind plainly and blankly but they would still assume it was reciprocal. I'm not saying he isn't attracted, I'm just backing up what @forththeroast said... some people, like apparently me, have that effect on people when we are just ordinary looking or glancing around.

Treelove · 23/12/2022 13:45

From personal experience, it's wise not to give in to this attraction if you want to keep your marriage intact. Try to think of how you would feel if this was your husband's situation instead of you. I know it's difficult to ignore but like one person said on this thread - you are playing with fire. I allowed my attraction to get the best of me once a long long time ago and it didn't end well. It never does. Fast forward your thinking to what the ending of this tryst would be like and quite possibly how it may end your marriage as well.

donttalkaboutbookclub · 23/12/2022 13:54

Step away...

RiverSkater · 23/12/2022 13:57

SlouchingTowardsBethlehemAgain · 23/12/2022 13:02

Mate. You fancy someone. It happens all the time, a wise woman would leave it alone.

This. Seriously, what do you want from rid, for us all to concoct a Mills and Boon story for you? Get real.

Rachaelrachael · 23/12/2022 14:11

Pineappleskies · 23/12/2022 12:28

He just sounds like your run of the mill cheat / narcissist/ predator.

Connection is based on shared values and intimacy over time. Not eye contact.

He's charming, attractive, mysterious...because he knows how to get what he wants.

All he is doing in holding eye contact and probably standing too close to you. Neither are appropriate. Neither signal love and in this case are being done cynically and manipulatively and not because he's bowled over.

All he likes about you is your naivety and the effect he can have on you and your weak boundaries.

He can mess up your life. But I wish you'd see him for what he is.

This!!!
OP, I have been where you are with a beautiful guy who I felt an intense connection with the moment I saw him. I can relate to every word you wrote and was obsessed with him. We were both single and the chemistry was so intense that I couldn't keep away and we ended up being FWB on and off for around 10 years between relationships. However as I grew up I realised that he also did the intense eye contact with every other woman! He was a complete player and narcissist and he gained so much enjoyment from getting women into bed. Once he got what he wanted he'd more onto his next target. It was one big game to him. He one told me that he'd slept with 3 women in a 24 hour period...
Don't go on the work trip, I can guarantee he will get his wicked way with you and you'll be left picking up the pieces and possibly losing your family.

Pinkbonbon · 23/12/2022 14:56

You're dealing with a narcissist. What you are discussing is called the narcissist stare. We mistake it for chemistry. Its actually them sizing you up for a using. Like a shark looking at its lunch.

I suspected it early on in your post but your description of him and that whole lunch encounter is a narcissist to a tea.

It's not à love connection. It's a predator alert.

Pinkbonbon · 23/12/2022 15:02

And I've just seen the posters comment before mine. Yup. See we recognise those sort now op.

Do not go anywhere with this dude. His intentions aren't good. And just incase a part of you is thinking 'oh but perhaps neither are mine', no, we mean he will fuck your life up. They always have to have the upper hand. Eg: making you fall for them, convincing you to leave your partner but then dumping you/never leaving their wife.

Original poster
Veronica8 · 23/12/2022 16:27

Thanks for all the advice and comment's. I definitely feel naive. But glad I found this forum as I could have very well decided to have gone on the trip!
Will be interesting to see if he mentions it again after Christmas and what his reaction is when I say I can't go .
if he is what ye are all suggesting he will probably show his true colours.

OP posts:
Pineappleskies · 23/12/2022 19:09

Veronica8 · 23/12/2022 13:04

@Pineappleskies your comments "All he likes about you is your naivety and the effect he can have on you and your weak boundaries"
I think you could be right about him sussing my naivety he is a few grades above me and you don't get to his level without being super smart.
I am interested why you think he might think I have weak boundaries though? How would he tell this about me?

You have weak boundaries. You are not defending your life against the tiniest effort on his part. You are saying his eyes are worth more than all you have achieved. You are not demanding honesty, explanation, clarification of motive...

He can see this in your body language, your tone of voice, the ease with which you allow eye contact, your refusal to challenge. Because he does this all the time.

C1N1C · 23/12/2022 19:10

Dont-tempt-fate.

ChangedmynameagainforChristmas · 23/12/2022 19:13

If he was 'the one' all those years ago then why isn't he ?? Ask yourself this Op and give your head a giant wobble or perhaps get one of us to do it

Dogsogdog · 23/12/2022 19:15

Limerence - don’t be stupid

category12 · 23/12/2022 19:16

Pineappleskies · 23/12/2022 19:09

You have weak boundaries. You are not defending your life against the tiniest effort on his part. You are saying his eyes are worth more than all you have achieved. You are not demanding honesty, explanation, clarification of motive...

He can see this in your body language, your tone of voice, the ease with which you allow eye contact, your refusal to challenge. Because he does this all the time.

Show quote history

This.

Man stares at you and shows interest, and you're ready to drop your knickers. Yet you say love your partner and kids greatly.