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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I messed up…

36 replies

Yazi4321 · 04/12/2022 15:55

I’ve been with my DH for over 10 years and love him to bits, he’s my everything. There’s someone I know through mutual friends who started to flirt with me, and I flirt back but in my head it’s harmless.
Recently after a few drinks me and this guy talked dirty to each other and felt each other (clothes on) & I feel so bad (how I should)

I just don’t know what to do - with the guy there’s no feelings attached but I feel shit. I shouldn’t have done that!! It’s awful and disrespectful. I’m just ignoring the guy now as I’ve had some messages from him but I feel so bad I just want to cry.

Everything about my husband is great…just not the sex anymore, he just does it for a tick box and I guess I got intrigued.

I need to move on from this and I’m trying but I keep beating myself up. Help me even though I messed up :(

OP posts:
category12 · 04/12/2022 16:04

Block the other guy and don't see him at all any more.

Oopsiedaisyy · 04/12/2022 16:09

Sounds like you are missing lust and sexual excitement in your marriage, that's why this happened. How can you work to find that again with your DH?

redtshirt50 · 04/12/2022 16:11

as a PP said

take this as the nudge you need to start addressing the problems in your relationship so you’re not tempted to look elsewhere

PollyAmour · 04/12/2022 16:13

Tell your husband. You have cheated on him and he deserves to know.

Oopsiedaisyy · 04/12/2022 16:13

And don't tell your husband 🤦‍♀️

Annabananna1 · 04/12/2022 16:15

Don't tell him. Just don't let it happen again. Identify what you got out of it that you don't have in your relationship and see if you can work on it.

anexcellentwoman · 04/12/2022 16:18

The MN script,
If a man cheats, he should never be forgiven. He should tell his wife so that she can decide to LTB.
If a woman cheats, it is clearly her husband's fault for not satisfying her in someway. She should not tell him but plan to leave him anyway.
OP, you certainly do not behave like your husband is your 'everything'

HandsomeDaughter · 04/12/2022 16:20

Normally I'd say block, don't tell your husband and work on your marriage but as the guy is not a stranger but a man who is a mutual friend in your circle it might be difficult to avoid him, might raise questions and he might get drunk again and tell someone who might tell your husband or confess straight to your husband or you might get drunk and confess to your husband so I think you need to confess to your husband sober and unprompted otherwise when it comes out he won't believe it didn't go further and will think well she only confessed now she's been caught how can I trust her. It's easier to rebuild the trust if you confessed than if you were caught.

If you confess, it will be shit to your husband in the moment no doubt but in the end it will be for the best for both of you because it will give you both a wake up call on the state of your relationship and will force you to face the music be it staying and working on things or leaving.

I'm doubtful you can make the relationship work on your own, he needs to know how dire things have become and it needs to be both your decision to want to work on this.

You're the sort who feels bad and guilty, the bloke is in your social circle. Lying is going to be a worse torture for you than confessing. IT takes a certain person to cheat without any guilt or remorse and who also doesn't get pissed that things like that happen.

hay5689 · 04/12/2022 16:21

anexcellentwoman · 04/12/2022 16:18

The MN script,
If a man cheats, he should never be forgiven. He should tell his wife so that she can decide to LTB.
If a woman cheats, it is clearly her husband's fault for not satisfying her in someway. She should not tell him but plan to leave him anyway.
OP, you certainly do not behave like your husband is your 'everything'

I completely agree. The double standards on here are ridiculous at times and I'm glad someone has said it.

FloydPepper · 04/12/2022 16:21

anexcellentwoman · 04/12/2022 16:18

The MN script,
If a man cheats, he should never be forgiven. He should tell his wife so that she can decide to LTB.
If a woman cheats, it is clearly her husband's fault for not satisfying her in someway. She should not tell him but plan to leave him anyway.
OP, you certainly do not behave like your husband is your 'everything'

This. It always goes this way.

op, if your husband did what you have done, would you feel you deserve to know?

Sandra1984 · 04/12/2022 16:21

Your sex needs are not being fulfilled in this marriage, you can either continue like “all is fine” (head buried in ground) or you can address the elephant in the room. Personally (but that’s just me) I would address the elephant in the room just because sex is very important for me, I would sit with my husband and spill the beans about your sexual needs not being met and what recently happened with this guy, be prepared for this conversation to rock the marriage boat, but you need to confront the ugly truth: as much as you love this man your sex needs are not being met and you WILL eventually have and affair, maybe not with this man but with the next. I believe you need to be honest with DP before you “go there.

PinkFrenchie · 04/12/2022 16:22

You love your DH to bits and he's your everything, yet your flirting and groping with another man? Please tell your DH so you can address the issues in your relationship and hopefully move forward.
Block the other man

HandsomeDaughter · 04/12/2022 16:23

Look, I don't know about it being double standards. I think if a man or a woman drunk kissed someone in a club on a business trip and no chance spouse will know. kiss meant nothing and you won't see the stranger again I would not bother telling them if it's a genuine one off with a stranger but sex or more needs to be confessed. That's for man or woman.

ThirtyThreeTrees · 04/12/2022 16:36

You are minimising it by saying "I messed up". You cheated knowing exactly what you were doing and why.

If you don't address the problems in your marraige, you will do it again.

Sandra1984 · 04/12/2022 16:36

HandsomeDaughter · 04/12/2022 16:23

Look, I don't know about it being double standards. I think if a man or a woman drunk kissed someone in a club on a business trip and no chance spouse will know. kiss meant nothing and you won't see the stranger again I would not bother telling them if it's a genuine one off with a stranger but sex or more needs to be confessed. That's for man or woman.

What needs to be confessed is that your sexual needs are not being met which is pushing you to do “stupid things”. If he doesn’t listen or get his act together then you leave the man, or stay sexually frustrated and vulnerable to the next guy who wants to engage in some hanky panky. Not a good idea

FloydPepper · 04/12/2022 16:52

Sandra1984 · 04/12/2022 16:36

What needs to be confessed is that your sexual needs are not being met which is pushing you to do “stupid things”. If he doesn’t listen or get his act together then you leave the man, or stay sexually frustrated and vulnerable to the next guy who wants to engage in some hanky panky. Not a good idea

Show quote history

Oh, so it’s the fault of the non cheated on party that they didn’t get their act together?

I bet you wouldn’t post that on any of the threads where the man did the cheating…

Sparklypant · 04/12/2022 16:55

Well that’s classy. I don’t know how you can be helped.

crochetandacuppa · 04/12/2022 16:58

If there’s any chance your DH could find out, then please tell him. Being honest is far better than getting caught. But yes, an affair of any kind is a sign that something in your marriage needs addressing; either you need to put the work in and improve it or walk away before something similar happens again.

Sandra1984 · 04/12/2022 17:16

FloydPepper · 04/12/2022 16:52

Oh, so it’s the fault of the non cheated on party that they didn’t get their act together?

I bet you wouldn’t post that on any of the threads where the man did the cheating…

Show quote history

I would say the exact thing to a man, unless it’s a temporary situation, like illness, or the wife juggling two small children and a job etc… doesn’t sound like the OP’s husband. Of course I can be wrong, maybe he’s going through some sort of difficult period and the OP hasn’t provided us with that info?

Original poster
Yazi4321 · 04/12/2022 17:24

Thanks for your messages. I really do feel awful and I know I should. I feel sick to my stomach to be honest.
The guy isn’t in our mutual friend circle - and I can ensure I don’t see him so I have blocked and deleted him anyway (he is also married).

i just don’t think I can tell DH. I feel so awful, we were drunk and it meant nothing at all. It’s so stupid.

There is a wider problem - I’ve tried to speak about the sex before but he just doesn’t care. He doesn’t want to give me the time of day about it - I’m always initiating it, but his life is work so I’m always 2nd. Any advice on how I can address this with him so he doesn’t just dismiss me?

this is messed up, I know.

OP posts:
Original poster
Yazi4321 · 04/12/2022 17:27

And it DH did it I would be so annoyed. I wouldn’t leave him but yes it would break my heart.

OP posts:
Sandra1984 · 04/12/2022 17:36

Yazi4321 · 04/12/2022 17:24

Thanks for your messages. I really do feel awful and I know I should. I feel sick to my stomach to be honest.
The guy isn’t in our mutual friend circle - and I can ensure I don’t see him so I have blocked and deleted him anyway (he is also married).

i just don’t think I can tell DH. I feel so awful, we were drunk and it meant nothing at all. It’s so stupid.

There is a wider problem - I’ve tried to speak about the sex before but he just doesn’t care. He doesn’t want to give me the time of day about it - I’m always initiating it, but his life is work so I’m always 2nd. Any advice on how I can address this with him so he doesn’t just dismiss me?

this is messed up, I know.

He’s not taking your needs as something serious, fact is he sounds like doesn’t care about them, despite that you seem to really want to stick with him (which I find odd but each to their own). Basically your question is “how do I hold a marriage together while sweeping the big issues under the rug?”, it’s possible, just stay away
from temptation next time…

UglyNameChange · 04/12/2022 17:36

Then why don’t you break-up?
Would you rather be a cheater than have the decency to let him kniw the truth and then find somebody to have sex with you?
You can’t force you husband to have sex with you, but you have to have it.
How rlse would this work out?

Notimeforaname · 04/12/2022 18:05

The MN script,
If a man cheats, he should never be forgiven. He should tell his wife so that she can decide to LTB.
If a woman cheats, it is clearly her husband's fault for not satisfying her in someway. She should not tell him but plan to leave him anyway.

This always blows my mind. The hypocrisy.

Also when people say "hes not listening to your needs or meeting your needs" but when men have sexual needs its "you dont have to have sex, he must respect that"

So you can keep speaking to him about the sexlessness but it cant be forced.

I would tell him you cheated on him.

Notimeforaname · 04/12/2022 18:06

Or as above, just break up with him if you cannot stay faithful to him because theres no sex.