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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I messed up…

36 replies

Yazi4321 · 04/12/2022 15:55

I’ve been with my DH for over 10 years and love him to bits, he’s my everything. There’s someone I know through mutual friends who started to flirt with me, and I flirt back but in my head it’s harmless.
Recently after a few drinks me and this guy talked dirty to each other and felt each other (clothes on) & I feel so bad (how I should)

I just don’t know what to do - with the guy there’s no feelings attached but I feel shit. I shouldn’t have done that!! It’s awful and disrespectful. I’m just ignoring the guy now as I’ve had some messages from him but I feel so bad I just want to cry.

Everything about my husband is great…just not the sex anymore, he just does it for a tick box and I guess I got intrigued.

I need to move on from this and I’m trying but I keep beating myself up. Help me even though I messed up :(

OP posts:
Notimeforaname · 04/12/2022 18:08

Any advice on how I can address this with him so he doesn’t just dismiss me?

The only way to do it is to keep bringing it up.. until you've had enough and leave.

You cant force him to talk or take action but equally, you dont have to put up with that if you dont want to and can take action.

SherlockStones · 04/12/2022 18:10

anexcellentwoman · 04/12/2022 16:18

The MN script,
If a man cheats, he should never be forgiven. He should tell his wife so that she can decide to LTB.
If a woman cheats, it is clearly her husband's fault for not satisfying her in someway. She should not tell him but plan to leave him anyway.
OP, you certainly do not behave like your husband is your 'everything'

This is spot on

Crazypaving22 · 04/12/2022 18:15

anexcellentwoman · 04/12/2022 16:18

The MN script,
If a man cheats, he should never be forgiven. He should tell his wife so that she can decide to LTB.
If a woman cheats, it is clearly her husband's fault for not satisfying her in someway. She should not tell him but plan to leave him anyway.
OP, you certainly do not behave like your husband is your 'everything'

Absolutely this...

Posters fall over themselves to defend women having affairs and blame the victim.

OP you need to talk to your husband, and decide whether he can meet your 'needs' or not.

If not you need to split. It'll be so much more amicable if there's no third person!

Personally I think he deserves to know, but I suspect that's not something you're even considering.

QueenBeex · 04/12/2022 18:39

If this was a male saying I've cheated on my wife, the comment section would be full of "tell your wife!!!" "I'd leave you if I was your wife, once a cheat always a cheat" "you'll more than likely do it again, did you really have clothes on" etc etc etc

But as its a female people are actively encouraging her to keep it a secret and not give her husband the respect he deserves by being honest ? He's been cheated on and of course he needs to hear it from you.

Wow 🤦🏻‍♀️

Choconut · 04/12/2022 18:52

The difference between this and men IMO is that they tend to go a lot further than 'touching with clothes on' and they only regret it when they get caught. If you genuinely regret it then your punishment in not telling is the guilt, and you need to put the effort in to change things - or leave.
Tell your husband you love him but you can't live like this and you need to address this together or you're going to leave.

AnneLovesGilbert · 04/12/2022 19:04

You’ve trashed your marriage. If you weren’t happy with your husband and talking about it didn’t work then you should have left him. Blaming him for your behaviour is embarrassing. While you maintain this poor me narrative you’ll probably cheat again.

Original poster
Yazi4321 · 04/12/2022 19:46

I get all your comments I really do and I know I’ve messed up. It shouldn’t have got to this stage at all but for some reason the lust and desire was there and it’s awful. Literally my mind has been so preoccupied with this it makes me feel so bad. I don’t want to lose my DH. What am I even supposed to say to him.
I will try to talk to him re intimacy but he is quite dismissive over it and that’s not his fault he just doesn’t have a very high sex drive.
Its awful hearing that I’m a cheater, I wasn’t even classing it as cheating over the past week and now I feel so awful

OP posts:
CallmeCath · 04/12/2022 19:57

"@AnneLovesGilbert You’ve trashed your marriage. If you weren’t happy with your husband and talking about it didn’t work then you should have left him. Blaming him for your behaviour is embarrassing. While you maintain this poor me narrative you’ll probably cheat again".

God lord! Bitter much?

CallmeCath · 04/12/2022 20:03

"@ Yazi4321 I feel so awful".

Don't. You are massively beating yourself up. Be happy OP.

AssumingDirectControl · 04/12/2022 20:18

If you weren’t classing it as cheating, why didn’t you tell your husband?

you’ve been in denial about a lot of things, I think, this being just one. You need a serious talk with your husband.

CannonCaboodle · 04/12/2022 20:52

Going against the grain here.

OP, you’re clearly deeply remorseful, and you clearly want things to work with your DH. So don’t confess . It was a one off and a mistake. We’re all human, we make mistakes. Instead you must have an open conversation with your OH. Tell him is become an issue that’s too urgent to ignore now and you need to seek counselling with him to sort out intimacy/sex.

Wish you the best of luck OP.

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