When people don't like you anymore when your life improves?

[Mylkyway]

I've had this happen countless times.

I rented a flat in my early twenties, happy but no money etc. Met my now DH, was liked by his family but they were clearly above me- spoke down to me, expected me to adore them and be in awe of them all their successes and take all their crappy stuff that they no longer wanted and be grateful for it. I was treated as a charity case.

12 years on, I'm a great mum, with a fantastic job, very self sufficient, married their brother/son and I'm now treated as some sort of threat. Lots of sarcastic comments, they clearly very much dislike me. They obviously don't give me their unwanted items anymore- thank goodness. But they have no time for me.

I'm happy with who I am, proud of where I am, proud of my children. But even my mothering is mocked by them.

Similarly, a friend I made when I had my first child- DC1 was late achieving some of her milestones and they were very friendly then- applauding all she did, albeit later that her children. However, she's now doing really well and can do some things that that her child of the same age isn't doing and I'm met with cynical, sarcastic comments.

Why do people do this? Why aren't people allowed to grow? It's like some people think that we should never rise above their expectations of us. Like we have a place and that's it!

Just reflecting on this and how I don't get it. One of my best friends grew up in a cramped house of 10 siblings, shared a room with 3 of them. Never had any money, always wore old clothes. She's become really successful in work and just bought a 5 bedroomed house as a single person, she is absolutely loving all the space to herself and I couldn't be happier for her!

But I already know of some people making sly comments "who does she think she is now...?"
"Why would SHE need all THAT space?!"

It's just bizarre. I hate it.

No idea but I think you need to avoid these people as much as possible. I don't know anyone like that who I'm close to.

You seem to be quite caught up in life being a materialist competition. It isn't. You're right nobody needs to or can add to their self worth by being more successful than others. If your in laws have mocked you because your background is not quite as wealthy as theirs then shame on them. You didn't have to prove anything to them, but I suspect that's what you've tried to do.
Im delighted for your friend, but it really doesn't matter how many bedrooms she has, we don't need the constant comparisons and league tables of who is bettering themselves the most. If you buy into that mentality you will never be satisfied, there will always be someone with a bigger house and more money to feel inferior against and it's not a nice way to live. Stop the comparisons and then you might stop picking up on vibes of who is better than who. It's not real!

Maybe they feel jealous. If they attach worth to possessions/achievements it threatens their ego.

Agree just stop comparing - really you’re doing exactly the same as them by comparing. But you’re aware of it now. Focus on being happy with your own life.

Some people do have a hierarchy in their head. They don't announce it, but if they had ranked you beneath them, and then you get a good job, nicer house, or are just plain liked by a person they rank above them who doesn't reciprocate their admiration then omg, you're going to know about this....

Because you’ve got above your station and upset their little hierarchy of how they make them self feel important.

Many people have incredibly fragile egos built not on how they feel about themselves but how they perceive their worth in relation to others. It’s worth trying to make sure you aren’t one of them, as the old saying goes comparison is the thief of joy.

It's the same with people who only ever want to meet and spend time with you when things are going wrong in your life. It's like they thrive through your drama, but aren't interested, and have nothing to say when they can't gossip with you, about your life. Very bizarre. I put it down to the fact they have nothing in their lives so have to live through you.

This will often be an issue if you better yourself.
However, you don't always have to make the 'new you' obvious. You can take quiet satisfaction from your achievements without telling anyone.
Or you can change who you socialise with.

Ps, the digs or the put downs or the exclusion type behaviour are called "levelling the playing field". It's a known passive aggressive behaviour.

I feel like I've been on the receiving end of of levelling from some family members. I was very insecure as young teen/young woman. I felt self conscious about my looks and not having gone to university, not marrying at all let alone "well" but I did have 2 dc and was, gasp, a single mother. So for a while I spotted a few people who weren't lifting me up but were just pigeon holing me into the box of beneath me
I suppose I was quite low status for a long time and I did accept being treated as low status. I subconsciously complied with their perception of me as beneath them.

As time rolled on though, I learned why I had a critical inner voice, and I tamed it,
I dealt with anxiety through self-compassion,
I learned why I over shared and I stopped wanting to share so much so soon,
I learned about boundaries, I became less passive and more direct...

I am not less likeable, far from it, im calmer, stronger and i listen better, but I am less easily manipulated and so there are some people in my wider family who hate that, they "can't cope" with me. They seem to kick down. I am "down" apparently, and it annoys a couple of individuals that I don't understand that I am beneath them.

In the case of your in laws @Mylkyway what they wanted was somebody who'd look up to them and admire them. Could you fake it a little for a quiet life? What are they proud of? Praise that!
Corroborate their self perception.

Although if their self perception is so limited that their identity is only that they're better than you, id step back and then step back again.
You aren't a tool to prop them up.

It's a very British thing. We hate people being openly happy and proud of their success. We call it boasting. People ask where your DC are going to uni. You tell them. But if it is Oxbridge they roll their eyes as if you are showing off, when it's just factual info, same as if they were doing anywhere else.

OP, I have found if I hang out with successful people they're not like that. They value and celebrate friends' successes and seem to have a more positive attitude to life generally.

The only time I feel a bit worn down by successful people is if they are very materialistic and constantly reminding me that they have better versions of everything than I have or keep suggesting I buy things they should know I can't afford if they had some sensitivity. But that's mainly because I'm not materialistic myself so that chat doesn't interest me.

Ugh some people are so jealous and mean spirited. I'm made up when anyone gets good news etc.
my ex mil ALWAYS commented after I told her that my ds had done something to get her reply of oh dsil dc already done that EVERY FUCKIN TIME
GAHH I only surround my self now with nice like minded people. A nice small group of family and friends and I wouldn't have it any other way. I hate soul sucking people

I have a friend like this. When we were renting and we were skint and had an old car, she was all friendly, but would tell us all about how her mortgage was paid, how she was redecorating, and she would show off her new car every couple of years.
When we had an upturn in finances and bought a house, she told me I’d changed and had become posh, and she stopped contacting me. I didn’t change at all, but I did take more interest in my home and furnishings because I could do what I wanted without having to check with a landlord, and without the fear of being turned out at any moment.
We moved a lot when we were renting because of landlords selling up, and she would be there consoling us and helping with the move. When we moved into our bought house, there was no offer of help.

@DosCervezas Not wanting to speak on behalf of the @Mylkyway but this issue is not materialistic. You can be iced out for having the affection of another person that the ''leveller'' had ranked above them.

I would say (being in a very average economic bracket, no problems or financial emergencies but no large amounts of money to spare) this is the aspect of levelling that's been an issue in my own life.

Sometimes in a group there will be the obvious high status members (either they're the boss, or they're really confident, really attractive or married to somebody very high status, whatever, they have social capital) if one of these people clicks with you and just just happen to connect, or find the same things funny and develop and easy rapport, it can really trigger the leveller.

I have had this happen a couple of times as I'm quite easy to get on with and interested in other people, I value humour though, and a few times, a leveller has been quite openly baffled as to why a high status person that they can concede is above them has shown more interest in me than in them. That can trigger a wendy situation!! I've been wendied but I fully understood what was going on. I gave up and walked away.

@VerifiedBot2351 yupp you had to stay in your box. The box she decided you were in not the box you created for yourself.

I find these people so emotionally limited.

Worth reading Philippa Perry in today's Guardian.

Oh lord have I had this. At one point I was going through a very stressful divorce, on the cusp of losing my home, my mental health was not great and I had people around me who relished this. They felt they could look down on me as a single parent etc but as soon as I got myself mentally sorted I went back to working more hours, managed to buy my ex off the property and then met and fell in love with an amazing man. Not one of that 'crew' are around now and the rumours I heard over the years would make the best of us break into tears with the laughter. SOme people are just downright assholes.

Tbf I might ask out of genuine interest why a single person had bought a 5 bed house! I think that's a legitimate thing to wonder about.

Yes @PeaceJoySleep it's like a hierachy! I guess a bit like a class system that they apply to people and they become insulted if they cross the borders.

I hate it when people do this. I had a friend who I lived with for years after university - in hindsight the friendship was based on her being the put together, successful one and me being the freelancer who was always single and could be treated like a kid. When I fell in love and got pregnant and moved into a nice flat and my career took off, all in quick succession, she literally stopped talking to me. So horrible. But you just have to move on from those people and only focus on the ones who actually care about you regardless of what you're doing!

Yes just like your story @Igglepiggleslittletoe! I'm glad you got out of a tough situation.

There's definitely a vibe of "how dare she?!"

It is like they like to have the token 'loser' friend but I have turned it all around and even got more qualifications and a big payrise. One rumour was that the house was only mine till the youngest turned 18 which is not true as ex is totally wiped off the mortgage and deeds. Another was that we sold our house to the council and I now rent it from them. Again not true and there are actually no council owned houses where I live. One pathetic creature told people I had an only fans account and thats how I made my extra money. I have never even looked at that site let alone had an account. Instead of people just going 'well done you' they seem to want there to be some seedy reason for you getting back on track.

Oh wow @Igglepiggleslittletoe I can't believe the rumours you had to endure. They thought of everything except that you earned enough to run your household without a man.

I admit I used to be a bit like this in my early 20’s, and I admit I really have to make a conscious effort not to do it anymore. I really try to celebrate people’s successes and not compare to myself, not easy though - it’s like it’s ingrained into me to constantly compare myself. I have other friends who admit the same. It’s really horrible but does get better with age and becoming more secure in yourself.

@RJnomore1 and just to go back to what rj no more said, it really is a defining characteristics, do you compare yourself with who you were with a goal for example to be less reactive, more resilient et cetera, or.... do you have no idea who you want to be really cos you're not even thinking about character, just who is above you and who is below you.
I know somebody l8ke this and she has a PhD in some area of philosophy.
Beggars belief.

True @Annie232 I used to behave like this 25 years ago but I wouldn't have understood that the issue was me !
I'm embarrassed now thinking back.

Some people never grow out of it, never see it.

Also there is a dynamic of rescuer- victim and a couple of times when my life hit the skids there were a couple of people who really stepped up for me when I was freshly dumped and devastated. I was and still am grateful. But then the rescuers need you to stay in the victim role as they felt so good while they were rescuing you.
That is sliiightly different from ordinary levelling in my opinion.

We had a close friends group from since we were young teens. One friend has become very very successful in her career and subsequent business. She then married a lovely man and they have an amazing life!. And slowly the other girls turned on her for it. She's still the same woman she always been. She's caring, thoughtful and supportive. But they basically got jealous. Sneering comments, putting her parenting down etc. so we've grown apart from them. We are still close. It's their loss.

Every step of the way I've cheered her on, she's done the same for me. Our lives are massively different but we still come together, drink cherry lambrini and laugh together lol

Some people hate to see anyone succeed