When people don't like you anymore when your life improves?

[Mylkyway]

I've had this happen countless times.

I rented a flat in my early twenties, happy but no money etc. Met my now DH, was liked by his family but they were clearly above me- spoke down to me, expected me to adore them and be in awe of them all their successes and take all their crappy stuff that they no longer wanted and be grateful for it. I was treated as a charity case.

12 years on, I'm a great mum, with a fantastic job, very self sufficient, married their brother/son and I'm now treated as some sort of threat. Lots of sarcastic comments, they clearly very much dislike me. They obviously don't give me their unwanted items anymore- thank goodness. But they have no time for me.

I'm happy with who I am, proud of where I am, proud of my children. But even my mothering is mocked by them.

Similarly, a friend I made when I had my first child- DC1 was late achieving some of her milestones and they were very friendly then- applauding all she did, albeit later that her children. However, she's now doing really well and can do some things that that her child of the same age isn't doing and I'm met with cynical, sarcastic comments.

Why do people do this? Why aren't people allowed to grow? It's like some people think that we should never rise above their expectations of us. Like we have a place and that's it!

Just reflecting on this and how I don't get it. One of my best friends grew up in a cramped house of 10 siblings, shared a room with 3 of them. Never had any money, always wore old clothes. She's become really successful in work and just bought a 5 bedroomed house as a single person, she is absolutely loving all the space to herself and I couldn't be happier for her!

But I already know of some people making sly comments "who does she think she is now...?"
"Why would SHE need all THAT space?!"

It's just bizarre. I hate it.

I just read today's advice in the guardian by philippa perry (as recommended upthread by @FoxtrotOscarFoxtrotOscar . i bet it was a completely new idea to the writer of that letter that she could have been sending out a message ''don't be you, be me'' . Her relief that she'd got it right and not fucked it all up was perhaps a little palpable..

I know that some people have talked down to me and definitely aren't happy that I've patched things back together again, but I also know that I gave their unconscious resentment some kind of value that it really didn't have due to my own internalised stories that I need approval and need to be included and neeeeeeed to be liked. Only in the last five years did I really see that I can survive being excluded, misunderstood, smeared........... Horrible but also fortifying.

That's why the levelling is only one story. There are other stories.

Following this with interest. I am the loser friend, and I think the voice saying "how dare she?" comes from myself.

Deep down I'm terrified that if I manage to improve my life (get a decent job,a better house, a car that is not comically old and battered), I will lose my friends or people will hate me.

How do I get out of this situation?

(When I was younger I was the good looking, intelligent woman, with "lots of potential", but in the end I never achieved much)

And just for the record, I'm happy for my high achieving friends. I'm jealous but I'm sincerely happy for their achievements.

I can genuinely think of a host of reasons - hobbies that need space, future proofing, investment over time, far away relatives that visit, enjoy entertaining, considering fostering, just fell in love with the property… that’s with out putting effort into thinking.

Try getting a Tesla and see who your real friends are. Honestly. For some reason these cars bring out the jealousy and rage in a whole host of people when the reality is they're a very affordable company car right now, thanks to the ultra low tax.

It's clearly jealousy, some people were never taught to look at intrinsic rewards, and rather look to external sources for self validation.

When those people whom they considered inferior are no longer in their position, it challenges their whole notion of them being superior., whether materially or, in the case of the tesla, vegans etc ethically.

If we taught emotional intelligence in schools this world would be a whole better place

Maybe people assume Tesla owners are elon musk admirers, and share the same values as him? (I only know one person who has a tesla, and he is a douchebag. I admit my sample is small).

I think that many people find it hard to be genuinely pleased for other people's success and or good fortune.

It irks them.

So avoid these people. Unfortunately there are many.

yeah I agree, when I see a Tesla I think it’s either someone who thinks musk is great or doesn’t think too much at all.

They’re hardly status symbols though are they (or am I missing something?)

Maybe you come across as smug without being aware of it? You said it yourself that you are very proud of yourself. It’s absolutely fine to feel this way about your accomplishments but if you rub it in - even unintentionally - it will rub people up the wrong way. It typically happens to people who “clawed their way to the top” from humble beginnings and are very aware of their previous lowly status or poor background and were somewhat ashamed of it.
I had an acquaintance like this and the more she achieved the bigger she became for her own boots. Everybody noticed this, not just me. She just became annoying. We weren’t exactly friends to begin with and after a while she moved away anyway, so that was sorted.
When someone is arrogant and visibly full of pride about their achievements, this is when the people around them start feeling the ick.
On the other hand I know plenty of people who started at the bottom and reached great heights, remained humble and are still liked by the people around them. It’s the arrogant ones who evoke dislike.

Title isn't what this is really about. It's about family not accepting you. What does Dh say about how you feel? Why have you let this go on?

"When those people whom they considered inferior are no longer in their position, it challenges their whole notion of them being superior., whether materially or, in the case of the tesla, vegans etc ethically"

Yes I can see this too @Treacletoots

Blimey
some people fancy a Tesla
some people fancy a 5 bed house

if they can afford it, let them.

some of the stuff on here about status is a genuine mystery to me, I have tried to learn it, but I am not sure it will help me make friends anyway.

@RJnomore1 and @BloodAndFire absolutely. She's from a huge Asian family, some of whom still live in India, so now they are able to comfortably stay with my friend when they visit. Her younger brothers stay over a lot too and get to enjoy their own space, in their own room as a treat. She's very happy.

Jealousy. One of my (very privileged) best friends for more than 15 years ditched me as soon as I started doing ‘better’ than her in terms of earnings and lifestyle. I had a very different upbringing and had also been the ‘charity case’ to begin with. It’s really sad.

Haha. Elon Musk admirers. Made me laugh. I admire that he has single handedly created an entire car charging network where noone else child be bothered, and created a fabulous car which will undoubtedly help the environment but the man himself is an utter loon.

However I have personally never had so much poor driving directed my way as when I'm in the Tesla, people deliberately try to push me off the road, glare or intimidate me when I'm trying to get in it. I don't get that in my lovely little Renault Zoe.

It's just a really tax efficient company car, with the added benefit of being incredibly fun to drive and emission free. I think some people think they still cost a ridiculous amount of money, which they don't if you're a company car driver.

It’s really sad when you find this out about someone you liked and trusted. Sometimes you can tell who will be like this to start with and it’s easy enough. But when it comes from a friend, I understand the hurt.

i lost a lot of weight thought health anxiety. I don’t look the same at all, I look like an entirely different person. I dress differently obviously as other clothes fit me now. I wear the same amount of makeup, I always wore a lot. The people who still talk the same to me are my treasures. The ones I slyly spot looking me up and down, or who make weird comments or who won’t even stand next to me in a photo anymore… honestly I find it so hurtful.

I never believed in jealousy. I used to say no no, there’s such a wide range of emotions, it could be anything that has made someone react like that, they could have something else going on etc. But no, I’m some of these instances I can see, by the sheer contempt on their faces, that it can only be jealousy. Nothing else has changed. I am 💯 the same person. Be grateful they’ve shown you who they are.

Also this is behaviour is recognised and studied and called crab mentality.

Absolutely no criticism was implied or intended in my post. I just meant I would genuinely be interested to know why one person would want such a big house.

In my fantasy life, if I were living alone, I think I'd have maybe 2 or maximum 3 bedrooms - I wouldn't want to end up as a hotel by default. And I wouldn't want the heating, cleaning, etc that would come with such a big house.

I was just saying some people might ask out of genuine curiosity. I'm sure there are others who don't like to see their 'poor' friends doing well.

I can really relate to your experience with your MIL. My mother’s reaction to anything - anything - I tell her is to start telling me about how one of my siblings has done something similar already or something ‘better’ (in her opinion), or otherwise just denigrate it in some way. It’s so tiresome and predictable. I did think it could be jealousy but she does it about things she couldn’t possibly be jealous about too. So I’m not sure what’s going on!

The only solution is not to tell people like that anything important i.e. to ‘grey rock’ them.

This is awful. Sounds like she was a complete user, not a friend.