Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

A mid-life crisis or a selfish wake-up call to change a bleak future?

49 replies

Headinthesandmindinthegutter · 04/12/2022 02:47

I want to start by saying I'm looking for anyone to condone my actions. I know I'm in the wrong and that I've been selfish. I'm not sure what I'm looking for here, but I think I just need to vent somewhere where no-one knows me, so apologies for some vagueness (and for the length of this post).

I'm almost 40, married over a decade, together for almost two. I work full-time, Husband can't work due to severe mental health issues. We have no intimacy - not much physical touch at all - and no sex for a few years (practical, emotional and hygiene issues). He doesn't really go anywhere or do anything, just distracts himself gaming all day. Doesn't really do anything at home - we live in a tip but that's partly my lazy fault too. He doesn't look after himself or seem to want to improve his or our life. He is pretty much always angry, lethargic, depressed and irritated. We do have our in-jokes and things we both find funny, and I know he loves me. He knows me better than anyone and puts up with my own struggles.

I have buried my head in the sand for a long time, but it's dawned on me recently that we don't have much of a life. We're pretty stagnant; just flatmates that share a bed and a bank account. All the responsibility and life admin is on me and I keep making really bad, lazy money decisions. We're in a lot of debt and I can't keep up. The future feels pretty bleak for a number of reasons. I'm not happy or content or fulfilled (which I do acknowledge is all my own responsibility). I hate admitting this but I resent his illness and his lack of enthusiasm for life. I feel dragged down by it; it affects everything. I know that's not fair - none of this is his fault. He is funny and kind with a wonderful heart, strong morals and good intentions. And I do love him dearly, despite what I've said and what I'm about to say.

Recently I did something that I can't take back, and I don't know if I can live with it. Telling him could push him over the edge, when he already hates himself and feels life is pointless. He struggles to hold onto life daily. But I feel like every day is a lie now and he doesn't deserve that.

I've always fancied other people, which I know is just human nature. The levels of crushes and fantasies are up and down, and there's not really been anyone for a while. But a few weeks back I had a moment with my latest 'crush', who I work with and have not known very long. I was drawn to him quite quickly, I liked being around him, and actively put myself in a situation where it was just us, after we'd both had a few drinks (but tbh weren't massively drunk). He kissed me. I genuinely wasn't expecting it, no-one else has come onto me for almost two decades, but I didn't push him away. I kissed him back. And I didn't stop him as he took my clothes off. Some things did happen, we definitely crossed a line, but we didn't have sex. I stopped that. I admitted I wanted to but said I couldn't - I think the shock and guilt properly kicked in. I will say at this point - he knew I had a Husband, and I knew he had a Wife. He said what happened was spur of the moment and he's never done that before - I don't know whether to believe him as he's very charismatic and persuasive and seemed pretty unfazed by what we'd done.

Weirdly, and this will make me sound like even more awful but after the initial shock wore off, I didn't actually feel much guilt. I just wanted to do it again, and this time go further. I know that's wrong. He's all I can really think about and he knows that. I do have proper feelings for him, but most I think are based purely on lust - as cringy and cliche as it sounds he has awoken something in me; a desire to enjoy life, to find passion and joy. And for a bunch of reasons, I don't know that I can do either of those with my Husband.

I always thought I had morals and integrity; I never thought I'd ever cheat on him. It also never crossed my mind that one of my 'crushes' would want to have anything to do with me. My self-esteem is basically zero so I never really thought about it. But now I'm contemplating my entire future and it feels so selfish. It's not just about this new guy either - I'm 90% sure it just happened because we get on well, there's a bit of flirty chemistry, and I just happened to be there when he was horny. But it's got me thinking about what else could be out there - even if that is just adventure and some fun. It's not necessarily a 'grass is greener' situation, and I may end up alone. But I already feel pretty lonely with someone who doesn't really want to be here anymore. Someone who I have now betrayed, and who definitely deserves better than this.

TL;DR I'm selfish and unfulfilled and I crossed a line with someone who is not my Husband. Not wanting to live a lie or break his heart but now contemplating my entire future. Depression sucks the joy out of life and I've made it worse.

OP posts:
dollytot · 04/12/2022 03:54

OP - I don't condone cheating, but this doesn't sound like like any kind of marriage. Your needs clearly are not being met by your husband - no intimacy, no physical contact. Have you spoken to him about this, or sought marriage counselling?

It's not healthy that you are the one who is working full-time and he's not. I know you mentioned he has severe mental health issues, and I'm not trying to say that they don't exist, but I sounds to be like he is actually not doing anything about them. If he feels he can't work, then he needs to do something constructive to fill his time , i.e. - volunteering. It is absolutely not right or fair that you are taking on the burden of looking after everything, and now you're in debt because of it. Does he even care?!

I couldn't live like this OP because sooner or later it will damage your own mental health and bring you down. By the sound of it, it already has as you have no confidence or self-esteem.

I think the only two options you have here are marriage counselling or to leave him. Do you have children?

Shoxfordian · 04/12/2022 03:55

It seems to me that you’ve done this because you’re unhappy and your relationship doesn’t meet your needs - he may be a lovely man but he’s not contributing fully to your lives together. Do you want this for the rest of your life or do you need to consider divorcing him?

Zanatdy · 04/12/2022 06:37

OP like you say this has awakened something in you, act on it, even if you’re not with this guy, life is short and it sounds like your marriage is long over. I know it’s difficult with your husband’s depression but that doesn’t mean you have to remain with him just incase it tips him over the edge. Speak to a debt charity for advice on that, and start to make a plan. A plan for happiness, debt free but mostly a plan for you, don’t just go back to existing

Iwonder08 · 04/12/2022 07:16

You are legally married but it really not a marriage. You shouldn't feel guilty. You should however get divorced. Your husband's happiness is not your responsibility especially given he doesn't want to help himself and just dragging both of you down.

AltitudeCheck · 04/12/2022 07:41

Work crush guy isn't going to be the answer long term but he is a catalyst for change. After years of simply existing, something has woken you up to the possibility that life can be so much more! Use this new energy to make changes and get out of the rut you are in. Don't get bogged down in guilt, it's the shock and energy you need to make big changes.

It's up to you if you try and take OH with you on the next stage of your life. Could telling him of your dalliance be the wake up call he needs to step up and wake up himself? Or if that's not what you want then it's time to leave him. Please don't stay stuck as you are any longer!

KangarooKenny · 04/12/2022 07:44

I bet you’d find your DH can do far more for himself if you left him.

pilates · 04/12/2022 07:51

Very sad post. You are still so young and deserve a better more fulfilling life. Please think of yourself and your well-being.

CiderJolly · 04/12/2022 07:54

I don’t like the sound of the crush/work colleague who cheats on his wife.

But your current life is unsustainable. You deserve better. I would have a frank conversation with your husband and give him one chance to work with you to change both your lives. No excuses. He has to get a job, he has to go to the GP and take action to improve his mental health, the all day gaming/laziness has to stop. If he can’t do it then yes you divorce him and make this very clear. You get one life.

emptythelitterbox · 04/12/2022 07:55

I think the dalliance with the co worker is the least of your problems.

Is your DH in regular treatment for his MH?

You really don't have to stay with your DH. It isn't a marriage anymore. You've become a caretaker or parent to him.
You're allowed to leave. You're allowed to divorce him.

Oomph · 04/12/2022 07:58

Depressed bloke with hygiene problems who plays video games all day and lives off you. No wonder you have fantasies to be free. His morals are not strong, as you say OP. If they were he’d do something to help himself, you, and the relationship. You are much better than this, and I suspect the lack of joy and purpose in this relationship is dragging you down, possibly causing those bad financial and life decisions.

Have you thought about separating? You do not deserve to live like this, specially if he will not move a finger for your own happiness.

Wallywobbles · 04/12/2022 07:59

Why do you owe your DH being miserable your entire life

MeJane · 04/12/2022 08:00

Work crush guy isn't going to be the answer long term but he is a catalyst for change.

I agree. Regardless of this man, you aren't happy in your marriage. You can leave him, it's ok.

Oomph · 04/12/2022 08:01

I’ll add that many men who ‘threaten’ ending their own lives because they’re so depressed do this to control their partners and keep them tethered with guilt.

silentpool · 04/12/2022 08:03

You have the right to be happy but this is not the way to go about it. Get divorced and then move on. But whatever you do, leave, this marriage is already dead.

KangarooKenny · 04/12/2022 08:04

I’d say that there’s some co-dependency going on, you’re not happy but it’s ok, the home is a mess and youve not got on top of the debt.
Time to shake yourself up too.

olivewalls · 04/12/2022 08:08

I agree with everyone else, it's really not surprising that it happened with how you're currently living you're life. Hopefully this will make you realise you deserve to live a happy and fulfilling life. I personally wouldn't tell your husband, what's the point? But do leave and allow yourself some happiness.

hattie43 · 04/12/2022 08:13

I wouldn't beat yourself up , you don't have a marriage in the true sense of the word , you sound like a carer . I think office guy has woken in you what might be and what you are missing .
I think you have to forget him , speak to husband and see if he is honestly willing to change . If yes , support him back to normal life if not then close the door on this marriage . You are too young to be living like an 80yrs old . There's a lot to be enjoyed out there and it's waiting for you .

Fairislefandango · 04/12/2022 08:15

Obviously what you did wasn't ok, but I don't think many people would read it in the context of your description of your 'marriage' and fail to have some sympathy.

As a pp said, you do not owe your husband a life of unfulfilled misery. You should have left him long before this thing with your crush happened. Yes it's sad, but this is no kind of life for you.

iswintercoming · 04/12/2022 08:21

The kiss/fumble with this new chap is a drop in the ocean really. It’s a reminder of what you don’t have at home.

The real problem is that your marriage isn’t an equal partnership at all. You are your husbands mother / carer / provider / enabler and this dynamic is the death knell for intimacy and balance.

On one side, you aren’t doing your DH any favours by continuing to enable his MH issues to overrule both of your lives. He will never try to address his MH, if you are there as his protector to the outside world. He needs to take responsibility for his mental health. You are not a one-woman rehab centre whose only purpose in life is to enable this shitshow to continue.

IMHO it’s time to make some big changes.

Ylvamoon · 04/12/2022 08:23

Sorry OP, but however much you think you love your husband, you don't.

You feel miserable and trapped.
Your inability to leave comes from his illness and maybe there is some fear that you’re responsible for whatever happens after you leave.
You are not responsible for him. You can't make him feel better. I don't even think you're in a position to support hhim financially nymore.

Is he seen regularly by a health professional? Is he on medication? These are the people who are able the help hin, not you.
It's time to leave the guilt and misey behind.

munnytrin · 04/12/2022 08:27

You're being hard on yourself. You don't need to feel guilty about leaving a marriage like that and I'd say you probably should.

HugHeart · 04/12/2022 08:33

I really feel for you OP 💐. Don't beat yourself up. Have you thought of going to counselling to talk things through with a neutral person? It might give you perspective and strength. Whatever happens, this set up is not working and things need to change. Be kind to yourself.

Solidarityisbetterthanchsrity · 04/12/2022 08:36

I guess there is a lot unsaid here, op, about your own difficulties. You and your husband sound co-dependent. You should probably break up and start again

SpeckledlyHen · 04/12/2022 08:43

iswintercoming · 04/12/2022 08:21

The kiss/fumble with this new chap is a drop in the ocean really. It’s a reminder of what you don’t have at home.

The real problem is that your marriage isn’t an equal partnership at all. You are your husbands mother / carer / provider / enabler and this dynamic is the death knell for intimacy and balance.

On one side, you aren’t doing your DH any favours by continuing to enable his MH issues to overrule both of your lives. He will never try to address his MH, if you are there as his protector to the outside world. He needs to take responsibility for his mental health. You are not a one-woman rehab centre whose only purpose in life is to enable this shitshow to continue.

IMHO it’s time to make some big changes.

This. Very well said @iswintercoming

Charlize43 · 04/12/2022 08:57

I think this fumble with this work guy (never a good idea to have affairs at work) is just displacement activity and a distraction that has made you realise that you are not in a great place in your life. I would be wary about continuing it, as it could lead to you to greater hurt. But it has given you THE wake up call.

Your most pressing needs are taking inventory and getting your own life in order.

How much debt do you owe? This can't be ignored and is going to come and bite you both in the arse.

You need to get your husband off the gaming and back on his feet. Working will do wonders for his self-esteem, increase his confidence, and get him back out there. You need to set up an action plan and make this a goal. Use existing MH support systems, talk to your GP, get him into groups, etc.

You need to work on yourself: Think of what you want to achieve and go for it. Make an action plan of bettering yourself, whether it be changing jobs, doing courses that to lead to better jobs. You need to clear that debt.

Remember that life (to a certain extent) is what you make it, that you do have the power to change it and your future. You can get to a better place. Achievement comes in small steps.

Don't be distracted by an affair, when you know the problem is somewhere else.