OP your situation sounds grim, I am so sorry. Things can only get better, and I think you have already taken the first necessary step by sharing your story here and seeking input from others. I know how terrifying that can be, and I hope you’re finding it helpful and will continue to post.
Having been in a nervously codependent marriage for many years that choked the life out of me, I might be projecting onto your situation, but a few things jumped out at me that are worrying.
The more I mention [tiny steps towards compromise], the more inward he goes because he feels ashamed. It makes him hate himself more. And I feel like an uncaring nag, whose really shit at any kind of confrontation, so I drop it.
He is deeply invested in keeping the status quo, and knows how to press your “Oh, poor love” buttons so that even your gentle suggestions are twisted against you. Also, someone who hates themselves is simply not able to love someone else.
One day, perhaps today, please take a walk outside and sit somewhere quiet, surrounded by nature, and ask yourself: “Am I an uncaring nag?” And listen to your heart.
Life might actually become a lot easier for you if you were less caring, and/or became more nagging! But he sounds like a master manipulator. (My ex-DH kept telling me I was cold and selfish. And I believed him! In retrospect, guess who was the cold and selfish one?)
I've not mentioned to him but I'm looking at getting a part-time job.
Being unable to share basic information like this with your DH means that this is not a relationship of equals. You are tiptoeing carefully. This is no way to live.
There have been a lot of times of walking on eggshells at home, of feeling like maybe he was gaslighting me, but it’s never really felt intentional.
Maybe not intentional in the sense of being fully conscious; but this kind of manipulation is his lifeline, or at least he thinks it is, which is why he continues this coercive control.
I think he may just spiral more. But I’ve got to do something.
His “spiralling” may look very different, but the effect on you and your life is the same as a maniac wielding a bloodied axe over your head.
He feels death is the only way out, the only way to escape the demons swirling around in his head, other than his current methods of distraction which only do so much.
As adults, each of us must find a way of coping with life. His way is for you to do it on his behalf. That’s not a solution for either of you.
Re children, you haven’t necessarily missed the boat entirely yet, but if you want them you need to get cracking. And not with him!
I fear it would cause more resentment to build as I know I would be the one responsible for everything.
Yes; and not just that – this is not a healthy home to bring children into.
Above all, this:
With regards to my issues they’re fairly low-level compared to his – not trying to diminish my feelings by saying that, but he despises himself, can’t cope with the world and thinks about suicide daily. Whatever is going on in my head is a shitshow but it’s not as bad as what’s going on in his.
And this is how you hand your future to him on a plate, and he puts you in service to his learned helplessness. He has this suicide threat that is the ace up his sleeve, and plays it constantly to keep you in your place.
that feeling I got when I picked out his anniversary card – I don't even know the word to describe it but I felt a kind of hot burning in my stomach.
This is your gut ringing very loud alarm bells. Please don’t ignore it!
I know how difficult it is when you literally feel responsible for his survival. Try to reframe it in terms of him being better off on his own. He has some growing up to do, and you can’t do it for him. He must know this too, deep down, and his real struggle is with his refusal to take responsibility for his own life. This is why his soul is in such constant dread and darkness: alarm bells are ringing for him too, and he too is ignoring them. Enjoying success in the fake world of gaming is not enough: he must learn to function in the real world.
He does say he wants me to find someone better, that I deserve better than him.
Good! He’s right.
Work crush guy has helped give you a wake-up call. Be grateful for that, and act on the information: it shows you something very fundamental that is missing from your marriage. Once you get out, you will begin to notice many, many other things that are missing too.
I’m sorry your financial situation is so scary. Mine was, too: my ex-DH earned nearly twice what I did, but I had to pay half the bills, and was always stuck in rubbish jobs. Since we split, I have flourished, partly because I have the bandwidth to cope with much more. Looking after him was like a full-time job, or like bringing up a family of six. I now earn four times what he does. I ended up not having kids, but I had a lot of fun (oh god, the sheer thrill of getting laid!!!!!!!!! sex purely for desire, for the first time in my life, when I was your age!!!!!!) and learned all kinds of things about life after leaving him, and am now married to the kindest man in the world. I don’t regret not having kids – I enjoy my freedom.
I know I have to be brave but I’m not really sure how yet. Not without potentially leaving a trail of destruction behind.
There is already a trail of destruction, OP. The one he is leaving in your life. You live every day in a heightened state of anxiety, facing a childless future, on the rocks financially, and he is (literally!) dead set against giving you even the faintest glimmer of hope.
Addressing this increasingly urgent situation will be the most difficult thing you’ve ever done, but it will be worth it. And look how strong you are! Look what you already manage to cope with somehow, every day. You can do this – you just need to turn the focus of your concern inwards.
Sorry for the essay! As usual @billy1966 (and other PPs) have put this more succinctly. But hopefully you get the message 