Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband booked holiday with friends, when baby will be 6-8 weeks. Is this unreasonable?

64 replies

Kardelen · 03/12/2022 20:50

DH said he will be going on 3 day holiday with his friends in April, and I’m due end of feb. We also have a 20 month old.
I always wanted to go on holiday together but due to covid/pregnancies/baby wasn’t able to. I had a go at him and he said I can go with them if I want (but obviously that wouldn’t be comfortable).

anyway, he told me they booked it even tho I didn’t give my consent to or had a proper discussion. surely we should’ve discussed something like this. I understand he wants to go with his friends and this is one opportunity, but just feeling annoyed that I can’t just leave the children and go when I want to?

OP posts:
CloudPop · 03/12/2022 21:30

Yes it is unreasonable

bcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyza · 03/12/2022 21:32

My husband went away for work at t in the park security when my son was 12 weeks old.

He missed our son like anything but it was for us and work.

Geranium1984 · 03/12/2022 21:34

I've just had baby #2, 2 year 3mth age gap with DS1.
My baby is 4 weeks old, and my husband is due to go away for 2 nights next weekend to a family event (myself and the kids were invited, but I thought it'd be too difficult).
He just cancelled the trip as I have no idea how I'd cope! I've only been on my own with both children for a maximum time of about 1.5 hours, and it's tough!! I have no idea how I would do the toddler bath/ bedtime or try and get out of the house with two of them on my own.

Can you have family or a friend come to stay? If not, then you'll have to see how you feel nearer the time.

category12 · 03/12/2022 22:51

Kardelen · 03/12/2022 21:19

He’s cancelled the trip now. But I feel bad as he seemed to be looking forward to it

Don't feel bad, it's too soon to leave you on your own with a baby and 2 yr old.

Tell him to rearrange for when the baby is a bit older, when you're in a routine and when you're at the stage you could also leave the kids with him overnight.

Opentooffers · 03/12/2022 23:15

If he gets to go away on his own, so do you. So he can go away when he's comfortable being at home looking after both DC on his own, and not before.

CatLick · 03/12/2022 23:17

Maybe he could book it for a reasonable period AFTER the child is born. At this stage he won't know what support you and the kids may need.

deeperthanallroses · 03/12/2022 23:26

I’m looking forward to lots of thingsa. I haven’t fucking booked them in expecting my husband to look after our children without consulting him, and while they are young they aren’t a newborn and a toddler. Who gives a flying fuck that he was looking forward to it? It was outrageous that he booked 3 days leaving you with an under 2m old and a toddler without consulting. Some women would be ok with that if he’d consulted but most including me wouldn’t.
my Dh has gone out a lot more than me this year including every football finals game for his team. With a baby and 2 older dc I haven’t gone out at all really! So now baby is getting a bit bigger it’s my turn, and I’m out Tuesday Friday and having girlfriends around Saturday. It’s Christmas season so there are things dp could go to, but I don’t feel bad because it’s my turn and relationships need to work for both of you. I’m just telling you that as it seems like something you might need to know once you can leave baby.

minipie · 03/12/2022 23:29

20 month old and a 6-8 week old is hell on a stick even with two parents around.

Can’t believe he booked it at all never mind without discussion.

Remind him they are his children as much as yours and he is not ever entitled to assume you will look after them without it being pre agreed. Just as you couldn’t and wouldn’t book a trip away without discussing with him.

Comtesse · 03/12/2022 23:32

Incredibly selfish. Yes sometimes parents have to be away for work, but that’s hardly the same as a holiday.

determinedtomakethiswork · 03/12/2022 23:34

PritiPatelsMaker · 03/12/2022 21:04

It's more than annoying OP. It's selfish beyond measure.

Exactly this. He'll have two very young children and a wife. He can't just bugger off and leave you to it. What does he think being a partner and father means?

USaYwHatNow · 03/12/2022 23:38

My husband planned a military reunion with guys he was in Afghanistan with about 6 weeks after my due date. In my first time mum naivety I said it was fiiiine, crack on, I'll just get my mum to come and stay. Nah. My baby is now 13 weeks old and no way was I emotionally stable enough for him to have gone away 😂 as it was the reunion never happened anyway so it wasn't an issue but having gone through the PN stage now, I would not be happy if he planned to do that with our second baby!

OhMaria2 · 03/12/2022 23:44

How will you cope if its a cesearean?

I felt half dead for months after my baby, if my OH had gone away at that stage I think idve ended up in a mental ward from sleep deprivation

Very selfish thing to do.

Goldbar · 03/12/2022 23:52

ninjafoodienovice · 03/12/2022 21:12

Just tell him he's taking the toddler, no discussion - much like he didn't discuss it with you

This. I'd be tempted to be out of the house with the baby, leaving him with the toddler, when he is due to be leaving.

If he doesn't discuss his plans with you, why should you discuss yours with him?

IAmWomanHearMeRoar1 · 04/12/2022 04:05

This is a red flag as to how he will be as a father. He thinks he can up and leave for days when you have a basically newborn baby, without even stopping to consider you and your needs. It's like he's not taking this pregnancy seriously and doesn't realise he's no longer a bachelor and that things will change forever once the baby is here. I'd have a long talk with him, even though he's cancelled it, he really doesn't seem to have a clue what becoming a father entails. He also doesn't understand you are 50% of his life/relationship and he should be consulting you.

Ponderingwindow · 04/12/2022 05:38

That isn’t annoying, it makes him a bad father.

rookiemere · 04/12/2022 08:30

Kardelen · 03/12/2022 21:19

He’s cancelled the trip now. But I feel bad as he seemed to be looking forward to it

I'm glad he did the right thing in the end.

It's one of those things where - if he'd actually discussed it before booking it, then together you might have been able to work out a compromise for him to go for some of it. But presenting it as a done deal - no way.

Eleganz · 04/12/2022 09:07

Don't feel bad OP, your husband needs to learn quite quickly that being in a marriage with children requires communication and compromise. Booking a holiday away a month or two after you have given birth without discussing it with you is not what a responsible adult does. Let's hope this is something he learns from rather than a marker of his future behaviour.

user1492809438 · 04/12/2022 09:10

What kind of a man plans a 'boys' holiday when he has just become a father? Not much of one I think and it does not bode well, unless he grows up...your husband I mean.

DriftwoodOnTheShore · 04/12/2022 09:14

He's a cunt, OP. But you know that.

AllIwantforChristmas22 · 04/12/2022 09:15

My DB did this (went on lads weekend when second baby was 6 weeks), think it’s beyond selfish and awful. I would seriously consider it you want to continue raising children with such a selfish man.

Original poster
Kardelen · 04/12/2022 09:25

So even if it’s only for 3 nights, and I will have someone else staying over (mum), is bad right? As my mum is elderly and won’t be able to do many things. He did say for his mum to come over but I said how would she know/have energy t do certain things that we do before toddler goes to bed which is part of his sleep routine.
also if toddler wakes up, and I’m putting baby to sleep it will be a big issue going back and fourth between rooms

OP posts:
AndEverWhoKnew · 04/12/2022 09:30

Unless you're having a CS, you don't know when your baby will arrive. I can't believe he even suggested this.
It's right that he cancelled. Don't feel bad. He should feel bad for even suggesting it.

AllIwantforChristmas22 · 04/12/2022 10:02

@Kardelen of course it’s bad. It’s selfish selfish selfish and immature. He has a family now with very small children who need his support and care. He can go a year or two without boys trips!!

AllIwantforChristmas22 · 04/12/2022 10:03

For me the only exception would be an extremely important family event for example a sibling got married. Three nights to hang out with the lads (and presumably he is tired/hangover afterwards) when you have a newborn is not acceptable.

napody · 04/12/2022 10:09

category12 · 03/12/2022 22:51

Don't feel bad, it's too soon to leave you on your own with a baby and 2 yr old.

Tell him to rearrange for when the baby is a bit older, when you're in a routine and when you're at the stage you could also leave the kids with him overnight.

Show quote history

This. Relieved to see so many sensible responses, I thought there'd be few 'what's the problem, I'd be fine with it'.
He needs to get confident with the 20 month old as surely he'll be doing plenty with them whilst you have a newborn... particularly mornings and bedtimes.

Swipe left for the next trending thread