Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

What goes on inside the mind of a man?

64 replies

Itsjustamoment · 03/12/2022 20:43

I met a man 10 weeks ago and we started a relationship. It was very intense right from the off. Lots of messaging and seeing one another every weekend (he works away)
He was saying all the right things, I ticked all his boxes, I was his amazing woman etc etc. I think we both fell hard.
Now just recently, circumstances have dictated that we haven't been able to see each other for 3 weeks. We were still messaging daily, still with the pet names and the I miss yous.
I was due to see him tonight, I woke to a message this morning basically saying that he doesn't know why his feelings for me are on and off at the moment, he's feeling too much pressure, something doesn't feel right and he doesn't want to see me again!!
I've been absolutely blindsided by this. I know the relationship was very new but I thought we were good. Last night he couldn't wait to see me. What on earth has gone on??

OP posts:

Sandra1984 · 04/12/2022 17:27

Itsjustamoment · 03/12/2022 22:06

What do men get out of love bombing? Whats the end goal?
I really don't understand all these silly games.

Most probably he liked you, wanted the sex and intimacy etc… but now he sees himself in a relationship (scary) and his rational part of the brain has chickened out and he’s not ready for x, y or z reasons. If a relationship is what you want I would try sit down with him and have a serious “what do we want” conversation, if he’s confused (he sounds) or not ready for a relationship you will need to let him go.

KettrickenSmiled · 04/12/2022 18:06

Jefferz54 · 03/12/2022 22:25

I don't understand this fakery/loveboming either....why not just go to a prostitute or via a site specifically for ONS/FWB....why mess with people's minds...

"Just" go to a prostitute @Jefferz54?

Really?

You reckon it's not ok for lovebombers to mess with women's minds unless they are sex workers, is that right? Have you any idea how prostitution messes with women's minds?

76% of UK sex workers experience PTSD.
In Amsterdam - that alleged cornerstone of 'safe, legal' prostitution, over 70% of sex workers are coerced.

Anyone paying for prostitution has no idea if the woman whose body they pay to use has been coerced, abused or trafficked.

www.amazon.co.uk/Slave-Girl-Sarah-Forsyth/dp/1844546853

AMelko · 04/12/2022 18:16

Hi @Itsjustamoment . Man here .. Sorry this happened to you.

He's either married, in a relationship, and/or playing similar games with other women online. I couldn't tell by reading your OP, did you ever meet him face to face, or had this all been an online romance prior to him stating this?

Be more cautious as you move forward, however; don't let this experience lead you to believe that every man would operate this way.

SomeBeings · 04/12/2022 18:18

It sound like the OP was also complicit in the frequent messaging, pet names and generally intense'ness so why is the man being slated for his behaviour but not her? If he was love bombing then was the OP also love bombing. He's abruptly changed his mind but there is nothing wrong with that.

Both the OP and the guy have rushed into a relationship and it didn't work out. I don't think anyone has done anything 'wrong'

Thisisworsethananticpated · 04/12/2022 18:20

He’s got another one

sorry 😞 can’t think why else

wanker twat

5128gap · 04/12/2022 18:23

Jefferz54 · 03/12/2022 22:25

I don't understand this fakery/loveboming either....why not just go to a prostitute or via a site specifically for ONS/FWB....why mess with people's minds...

Often the goal is for the woman to think he's her dream man. Short term its the ego boost of a woman falling in love with them. Longer term, and more sinister, it can be the start of a pattern of manipulation, of blowing hot and cold to keep the woman insecure, and have her trying harder and harder to please him, to win back the approval and 'love' he first showed her.
Other times they're just kids with a new toy. Can't get enough of it until the novelty wears off.

KettrickenSmiled · 04/12/2022 18:31

It sound like the OP was also complicit in the frequent messaging, pet names and generally intense'ness so why is the man being slated for his behaviour but not her?
Because OP was genuine, & thought she was starting a LTR.
The bloke clearly wasn't.

If he was love bombing then was the OP also love bombing. He's abruptly changed his mind but there is nothing wrong with that.
Yes there is, when you have been making unsolicited promises & most of the running, & have stated that you are looking for a LTR & can't wait to see them again tomorrow ... but then dump by text when tomorrow comes.

Both the OP and the guy have rushed into a relationship and it didn't work out. I don't think anyone has done anything 'wrong'
Lying, misleading, deliberately toying with OP's feelings ...
Sending a message last night saying "can't wait to see you" then just this morning following it up with a dumping?
It's hard to see how messing with someone's emotions like this is anything less than wrong, & deliberate.

Goodoldvera · 04/12/2022 18:49

pistachioshells · 04/12/2022 08:34

Ah OP, I'm so sorry. This is so hurtful and confusing. Presumably you'll have replied by now but without playing any further games, I'd suggest you be very cool and unemotional with him...something as simple as 'that's quite a surprising text to receive however I respect your choice and am happy to leave it there'. The message you're conveying is a shrug of the shoulders and a 'whatever', even if your heart is saying differently. You don't need to ask for a reason or an explanation as this will feed into his ego further and make him think you're desperately lost without him blah blah.

Personally I wouldn't block immediately as that sends an 'I'm angry' sort of message but do not reply to any further messages. And then in a couple of weeks you can remove him from your phone completely.

This is advice I followed at the end of a 3 year relationship with a man who was a cheater and a liar. I put up with it and kept taking him back and when he eventually ended it, I think he genuinely believed I'd fall at his feet begging him not to believe. After he delivered his 'it's not you, it's me' speech, I said 'yes, I think you're right. This is for the best. I'm going to go home now'. And then I picked up my keys, got in the car and drove away. Just before I did, he asked if he could give me a hug and I said 'that's kind but no thank you'. The look on his face was a PICTURE!

I then went home and wept and grieved and resisted all his attempts to contact me. I am so glad I did not feed the ego!

Good strategy...if you can pull it off. In my day the book men are from mars women from Venus was an eye opener. Internet dating and all the cliches and terminology takes it to another level...kids in a candy shop literally, and it works both ways.Post menopause you will wonder wtf was it all about...take everything with a pinch of salt and hope you meet someone organically in real life

Sandra1984 · 04/12/2022 18:50

There’s also the possibility that after one month of whirlwind romance he’s discovered he’s not really into her… and now he’s playing the “hot and cold” thing… very common. Sometimes you meet someone who you’re smitten with but after you get to know a bit you’re not smitten any more.

Goodoldvera · 04/12/2022 19:02

Whatevergetsyouthroughthenight · 04/12/2022 12:34

Well done for getting to your 40s before encountering one of these men. I came across a couple in my 20s. Which, incidentally, we’re before the internet had been invented so it’s nothing new.

Sadly true, when internet dating was in its infancy I thought wow what an opportunity to meet someone out of my immediate circle who was prepared to lay their cards on the table...I met a few decent people that didn't work out long-term at the beginning..but then the games started!!

Original poster

Itsjustamoment · 04/12/2022 19:02

AMelko · 04/12/2022 18:16

Hi @Itsjustamoment . Man here .. Sorry this happened to you.

Be more cautious as you move forward, however; don't let this experience lead you to believe that every man would operate this way.

Yes we met face to face. We didn't meet online, we met on a night out.
I don't believe he is in a relationship or married, we have mutual friends and he would comment on my social media etc etc. I do however believe he's probably had his head turned and is saying the same things to someone else.
I couldn't have called this at all. Totally blindsided.

OP posts:

Oopsiedaisyy · 04/12/2022 19:12

Why couldn't you see each other for 3 weeks? Maybe he thought your schedules would make it too much effort?

Original poster

Itsjustamoment · 04/12/2022 19:16

Oopsiedaisyy · 04/12/2022 19:12

Why couldn't you see each other for 3 weeks? Maybe he thought your schedules would make it too much effort?

He works away Monday to Friday, then he went away with friends, when he got back he tested positive for Covid.

OP posts:

HaggisBurger · 04/12/2022 19:48

Itsjustamoment · 04/12/2022 19:16

He works away Monday to Friday, then he went away with friends, when he got back he tested positive for Covid.

Show quote history

He tested positive for Covid - aye right. Covid has been a godsend for the flakey. I’d say he sees other women during the working away and one of those trumped you. You can be sure that the cooling off came a lot earlier than you actually think. What an arse.

Flip

1 2 3