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Original poster

What goes on inside the mind of a man?

64 replies

Itsjustamoment · 03/12/2022 20:43

I met a man 10 weeks ago and we started a relationship. It was very intense right from the off. Lots of messaging and seeing one another every weekend (he works away)
He was saying all the right things, I ticked all his boxes, I was his amazing woman etc etc. I think we both fell hard.
Now just recently, circumstances have dictated that we haven't been able to see each other for 3 weeks. We were still messaging daily, still with the pet names and the I miss yous.
I was due to see him tonight, I woke to a message this morning basically saying that he doesn't know why his feelings for me are on and off at the moment, he's feeling too much pressure, something doesn't feel right and he doesn't want to see me again!!
I've been absolutely blindsided by this. I know the relationship was very new but I thought we were good. Last night he couldn't wait to see me. What on earth has gone on??

OP posts:
IAmWomanHearMeRoar1 · 04/12/2022 03:50

I'm sorry, he's been cruel to you.

But never, ever, ever date or marry someone who 'works away'.

MaxTalk · 04/12/2022 04:05

How old is he? He just wanted sex and has met someone else to do the same to.

Cut him off and never contact him ever again.

WhirlyTwirly · 04/12/2022 04:14

My bet is he isn’t exactly as single as he has made out to be. I expect there’s either an ex still on the scene or even a DP/wife and he just fancied a bit in the side.

Sorry OP Flowers

TwoLeftSocksWithHoles · 04/12/2022 07:21

Here is an actually CT scan of what goes on inside the mind of a man.

What goes on inside the mind of a man?
urbanbuddha · 04/12/2022 07:32

It’s an ego boost thing. “Look at all these women who just can’t get enough of me. I’m a right sex god me.”

Block him and be kind to yourself.

pistachioshells · 04/12/2022 08:34

Ah OP, I'm so sorry. This is so hurtful and confusing. Presumably you'll have replied by now but without playing any further games, I'd suggest you be very cool and unemotional with him...something as simple as 'that's quite a surprising text to receive however I respect your choice and am happy to leave it there'. The message you're conveying is a shrug of the shoulders and a 'whatever', even if your heart is saying differently. You don't need to ask for a reason or an explanation as this will feed into his ego further and make him think you're desperately lost without him blah blah.

Personally I wouldn't block immediately as that sends an 'I'm angry' sort of message but do not reply to any further messages. And then in a couple of weeks you can remove him from your phone completely.

This is advice I followed at the end of a 3 year relationship with a man who was a cheater and a liar. I put up with it and kept taking him back and when he eventually ended it, I think he genuinely believed I'd fall at his feet begging him not to believe. After he delivered his 'it's not you, it's me' speech, I said 'yes, I think you're right. This is for the best. I'm going to go home now'. And then I picked up my keys, got in the car and drove away. Just before I did, he asked if he could give me a hug and I said 'that's kind but no thank you'. The look on his face was a PICTURE!

I then went home and wept and grieved and resisted all his attempts to contact me. I am so glad I did not feed the ego!

MimiArm · 04/12/2022 09:05

pistachioshells · 04/12/2022 08:34

Ah OP, I'm so sorry. This is so hurtful and confusing. Presumably you'll have replied by now but without playing any further games, I'd suggest you be very cool and unemotional with him...something as simple as 'that's quite a surprising text to receive however I respect your choice and am happy to leave it there'. The message you're conveying is a shrug of the shoulders and a 'whatever', even if your heart is saying differently. You don't need to ask for a reason or an explanation as this will feed into his ego further and make him think you're desperately lost without him blah blah.

Personally I wouldn't block immediately as that sends an 'I'm angry' sort of message but do not reply to any further messages. And then in a couple of weeks you can remove him from your phone completely.

This is advice I followed at the end of a 3 year relationship with a man who was a cheater and a liar. I put up with it and kept taking him back and when he eventually ended it, I think he genuinely believed I'd fall at his feet begging him not to believe. After he delivered his 'it's not you, it's me' speech, I said 'yes, I think you're right. This is for the best. I'm going to go home now'. And then I picked up my keys, got in the car and drove away. Just before I did, he asked if he could give me a hug and I said 'that's kind but no thank you'. The look on his face was a PICTURE!

I then went home and wept and grieved and resisted all his attempts to contact me. I am so glad I did not feed the ego!

This. Best advice ever.

Original poster
Itsjustamoment · 04/12/2022 09:45

pistachioshells · 04/12/2022 08:34

Ah OP, I'm so sorry. This is so hurtful and confusing. Presumably you'll have replied by now but without playing any further games, I'd suggest you be very cool and unemotional with him...something as simple as 'that's quite a surprising text to receive however I respect your choice and am happy to leave it there'. The message you're conveying is a shrug of the shoulders and a 'whatever', even if your heart is saying differently. You don't need to ask for a reason or an explanation as this will feed into his ego further and make him think you're desperately lost without him blah blah.

Personally I wouldn't block immediately as that sends an 'I'm angry' sort of message but do not reply to any further messages. And then in a couple of weeks you can remove him from your phone completely.

This is advice I followed at the end of a 3 year relationship with a man who was a cheater and a liar. I put up with it and kept taking him back and when he eventually ended it, I think he genuinely believed I'd fall at his feet begging him not to believe. After he delivered his 'it's not you, it's me' speech, I said 'yes, I think you're right. This is for the best. I'm going to go home now'. And then I picked up my keys, got in the car and drove away. Just before I did, he asked if he could give me a hug and I said 'that's kind but no thank you'. The look on his face was a PICTURE!

I then went home and wept and grieved and resisted all his attempts to contact me. I am so glad I did not feed the ego!

I have replied and I did keep it very cool. I just said well if it doesn't feel right then it doesn't feel right, wished him well with a project he's got going on at the moment and that was that.
I haven't blocked him on anything, I don't see the need right now and there have been no further messages since yesterday morning.
We're both mid 40s if that makes a difference. I don't have time for this crap.

OP posts:
nat1972 · 04/12/2022 10:18

Itsjustamoment · 04/12/2022 01:04

I understand irritations creeping in later. I get it. But ffs don't tell someone you can't wait to see them then dump them by message 12 hours later.

The only positive is that at least you have closure, the standard response is to ghost!

The same thing happened to me this weekend. Had a week of intense messaging, 3 hour FaceTime calls, couldn’t wait to meet, I’m not like the others I won’t hurt you blah blah blah. Was meant to meet today but I made it very clear that it was going to be a walk and a coffee and nothing else…and then poof disappeared just like that. OLD sucks.

Original poster
Itsjustamoment · 04/12/2022 10:42

nat1972 · 04/12/2022 10:18

The only positive is that at least you have closure, the standard response is to ghost!

The same thing happened to me this weekend. Had a week of intense messaging, 3 hour FaceTime calls, couldn’t wait to meet, I’m not like the others I won’t hurt you blah blah blah. Was meant to meet today but I made it very clear that it was going to be a walk and a coffee and nothing else…and then poof disappeared just like that. OLD sucks.

Show quote history

I won't hurt you.... why do they always say that then inevitably go on to do the exact thing they said they wouldn't??
I've never done the OLD thing and after reading stories on here and listening to friends that have done it I think I'll stay well clear!!

OP posts:
DuringDuran · 04/12/2022 10:50

Itsjustamoment · 03/12/2022 22:06

What do men get out of love bombing? Whats the end goal?
I really don't understand all these silly games.

High turnover. To quickly know whether she will want sex or not.

To generalise, men have many accelerators and few brakes hence the love bombing. It is probably how they actually feel.

If they encounter someone who gives them a millisecond of attention their brain goes into overdrive because they fear if they don't take their chance they will lose this "chance" forever.

Women, to generalise again, have the break pedal slammed to the floor and very very gradually release it if at all.

VisaGeezer · 04/12/2022 10:50

Jefferz54 · 03/12/2022 22:25

I don't understand this fakery/loveboming either....why not just go to a prostitute or via a site specifically for ONS/FWB....why mess with people's minds...

Prostitutes cost money.

Sex sites are not supplied well with women, they are in the minority and can very much pick and choose.

Men who love bomb also often get caught up themselves... Until they've had sex a few times (or even once) or the novelty has worn off. They are often believing their own nonsense, for a certain amount of time, which is why there so convincing.

Also some men (a lot?) get a great deal out of pursuit and "scoring" ... The conquest.

VisaGeezer · 04/12/2022 10:52

Forgot to say that some men also think they shouldn't "have to" use prostitutes or have to pay to have sex.

They'd see that as for saddos/unattractive men/men with no game etc.

VisaGeezer · 04/12/2022 10:54

Itsjustamoment · 04/12/2022 09:45

I have replied and I did keep it very cool. I just said well if it doesn't feel right then it doesn't feel right, wished him well with a project he's got going on at the moment and that was that.
I haven't blocked him on anything, I don't see the need right now and there have been no further messages since yesterday morning.
We're both mid 40s if that makes a difference. I don't have time for this crap.

Show quote history

They usually pop up again, like those weasel bash games, sooner or later. When other prospects don't work out or they're lonely or horny etc.

VisaGeezer · 04/12/2022 10:56

You may think he has seen the error of his ways, regrets things, gotten past ABC stress . . He hasn't.. He'll do it again sooner or later.

VisaGeezer · 04/12/2022 10:58

I made it very clear that it was going to be a walk and a coffee and nothing else…and then poof disappeared just like that. OLD sucks.

Probably why he disappeared.

A lot of men are under the impression women use dating sites for hook ups.
If they realise you are genuinely not, they move on.

Actually preferable to staying long enough to get sex and then ghosting.

Original poster
Itsjustamoment · 04/12/2022 11:13

VisaGeezer · 04/12/2022 10:54

They usually pop up again, like those weasel bash games, sooner or later. When other prospects don't work out or they're lonely or horny etc.

Show quote history

He can pop up again all he wants. Nobody gets chance to screw me over more than once.
This was never a how do I get him back thread, more of a WTF is going through this man's head....
I don't deal with confusion and unknowns particularly well.

OP posts:
VisaGeezer · 04/12/2022 11:21

Itsjustamoment · 04/12/2022 11:13

He can pop up again all he wants. Nobody gets chance to screw me over more than once.
This was never a how do I get him back thread, more of a WTF is going through this man's head....
I don't deal with confusion and unknowns particularly well.

Show quote history

Good to hear.

Often women get caught by "confused, stressed, lost my pet chameleon, family issues, work, down" etc etc ... Give another chance, only to be dumped again.

Greenfairydust · 04/12/2022 11:38

Come on, he is a stranger you met 10 weeks ago and for the last 3 you have not even seen him regularly.

You are not in a relationship with someone who ''fell hard'' for you...you were ''love-bombed'' by someone who got you exactly where he wanted and then got bored and has moved on to the next woman.

Men like that just get off on the chase and the acting. He was never real.

It is better to take your time to know people and to not assume that they are serious about just because they are making the right noises. Men who are too heavy too fast early on are usually just faking it or simply casual sex seekers.

AlarmClockMeetWindow · 04/12/2022 12:18

We're both mid 40s if that makes a difference. I don't have time for this crap.

Wow. Crazy that a man that age is still behaving like a child.

Whatevergetsyouthroughthenight · 04/12/2022 12:34

Well done for getting to your 40s before encountering one of these men. I came across a couple in my 20s. Which, incidentally, we’re before the internet had been invented so it’s nothing new.

Luredbyapomegranate · 04/12/2022 12:41

I don’t know and am really sorry

But sounds like you dodged a bullet

Bard6817 · 04/12/2022 12:52

Speaking as a guy….. And i know i’m generalising here, but i’ve been around guys my whole life and observed what goes on in a lot of detail. I’m probably a 6 - maybe a 7 on a good day.

If he is a 9 or a 10, then you’ve been intentionally played…. It’s pretty accurate that these guys have a choice of 80%+ of women on OLD. It’s pretty similar in real life too.

If he is a 7 or an 8, unless you are the same, then it’s been about him feeling good, attention and of course sex, and he may not necessarily set out to do this, but he’s not bad looking and possibly has options and the initial rush has worn off.

If he is a 5 or a 6, then he is immature and a twat and messed up something good.

If he is less than a 5, you can do better.

Original poster
Itsjustamoment · 04/12/2022 13:00

Bard6817 · 04/12/2022 12:52

Speaking as a guy….. And i know i’m generalising here, but i’ve been around guys my whole life and observed what goes on in a lot of detail. I’m probably a 6 - maybe a 7 on a good day.

If he is a 9 or a 10, then you’ve been intentionally played…. It’s pretty accurate that these guys have a choice of 80%+ of women on OLD. It’s pretty similar in real life too.

If he is a 7 or an 8, unless you are the same, then it’s been about him feeling good, attention and of course sex, and he may not necessarily set out to do this, but he’s not bad looking and possibly has options and the initial rush has worn off.

If he is a 5 or a 6, then he is immature and a twat and messed up something good.

If he is less than a 5, you can do better.

Thank you for the male perspective.
I'd say we were very similar, both around a 7 I reckon.
I know he messed up something good. He won't find another me!! ( I know he won't be looking for another me, or he wouldn't have dumped me but that's life )

OP posts:
nat1972 · 04/12/2022 17:13

Actually preferable to staying long enough to get sex and then ghosting.

I definitely dodged a bullet there! It’s bad that as a woman I have more balls than most of the men on these sites!!