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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is my marriage over?

29 replies

Kentlassie · 03/12/2022 13:55

I need some outside perspectives please. I have a lingering doubt that my marriage is over but I don’t know if sleep deprivation/ no breaks from the treadmill of life is clouding my judgement.

Married 5 years. 3 children under 3 including a 3 month old baby.

Reasons I think its over:

No affection. Ever. There’s always a child in our bed but more than that, no hand holding, kissing etc. We last had sex in May…

DH doesn’t like spending time with the baby. I do every single night on my own. Even when I asked for help in the early days, he would wake up and then fall asleep within minutes.

He has signed up to do the marathon next year, and is already training 3 x a week. So despite an exhausting time with children during the day/ baby at night, he’s out again.

He has agreed to a new job which will mean he’s away at least one night a week. Again, leaving me with all 3 children. When not on mat leave we have equal salaries yet I’ll be doing the majority of the drop offs/ pick ups.

Now to the thing that has pushed me over the edge today. I spent 6 hours in a&e with the baby last night, and got home at 2am. DH is due to go to a bday party this afternoon (and stay away). My mum can no longer come and help over night. I hoped DH would change his plans but no. He is leaving at 3pm. He has nights out/ away over the next 2 weeks (xmas parties).

Am I being ridiculous? On the plus side, he is a good dad to our other 2 children and has supported us through some very very difficult times together (the death of our eldest child).

Would appreciate objective views….the thought of getting divorced/ moving/ leading my DC into a life of swapping houses at weekends etc seems so selfish but I hate the person I married right now.

OP posts:
audacityofpoo · 03/12/2022 14:05

I’d be absolutely furious, OP. That sounds incredibly tough and I would feel very similar after the night that you’ve had. 3 under 3, and the loss of a child presents so many challenges to the strongest of any marriage. Have you ever had any couples counselling?

Original poster
Kentlassie · 03/12/2022 14:13

We had a couple of sessions of bereavement counselling together but it didn’t work for us. I went on to have weekly counselling sessions that really helped. Relationship counselling together might be a good idea, thank you.

OP posts:
redtshirt50 · 03/12/2022 14:17

Was he on board with having so many children in quick succession?

sorry for you loss x

Original poster
Kentlassie · 03/12/2022 14:20

@redtshirt50 I’m going to try not to be offended by that…we have twins and a surprise baby. I was on the pill. In answer to your question, no he didn’t want the baby (and reminds me of that) but thanks to covid the earliest termination I could get would have been 17 weeks and that was too late (for me).

OP posts:
audacityofpoo · 03/12/2022 14:28

It might just give you the space to work things through and agreement on a way forward. Whether that’s together, or not. Must be hard to do that with the kids and sleep deprivation. His behaviour sounds very selfish, but may be a misguided coping mechanism. We found couples therapy invaluable for understanding each other’s behaviour at times of stress. Small children are very stressful and you’ve been through such a lot. Be kind and gentle to yourself. Take care OP.

Original poster
Kentlassie · 03/12/2022 14:46

@audacityofpoo thank you for being so understanding. I will definitely look into it.

OP posts:
StopStartStop · 03/12/2022 14:54

Sounds like he's checked out of your marriage, OP.

Beware of 'couples counselling'. Some husbands see it as a way to get wives to do whatever it is the husbands want, and surprising numbers of 'counsellors' support that. Try it if you like, but if things seem to be going against you, remember you heard it first here.

Realistically, get your ducks in a row and kick out the part-timer when you're ready. Say nothing to him until you're ready for the split, have had legal advice etc.

Original poster
Kentlassie · 03/12/2022 15:06

I agree @StopStartStop , it seems that way to me too.

OP posts:
StopStartStop · 03/12/2022 15:41

Stay strong.

HelloBunny · 03/12/2022 15:48

Sounds tough. But, remember the baby is only 3 months old. You’re still in that very difficult newborn / post-birth stage. My DH was an arsehole at times during that time... It was really hard. Your DH spending nights away is just not on, though.

tothelefttotheleft · 03/12/2022 15:48

@Kentlassie

How is he a good dad when he avoids spending time with his children and doesn't support their mother?

How can you love someone who treats you and your children with such intentional lack of care?

CannonCaboodle · 03/12/2022 15:55

He’s shameless for wanting to go away to the party when you’ve got no support and a sick kid at home. He needs to stay home.

however I wouldn’t be so quick to throw the marriage away when you’re 3 months post partum after your third child (congratulations on your new addition!)

Couples counselling with a good therapist would be the first thing I advise. DH cannot go on pretending he doesn’t have a wife and three kids and continue doing things he would normally do as an unencumbered young man like train for marathons in the evening. It’s simply not fair on you. However, he might be doing these things as an escape from things he can’t cope with, like the terrible terrible tragedy of losing a child. (I’m so sorry about this, OP.)

I can totally understand why you’re so let down and hurt and resentful - I would be too - but it sounds like you need to talk in a non-threatening environment offered by counselling and see if he’s willing to change first?

Elieza · 03/12/2022 16:03

I’m so sorry to hear of the loss of your child. How sad. I’m v sorry.

My friend was in a similar position. They never managed to get back to normal after something so heartbreaking. But they knew of others in a support group who did. So there is hope.

Your DH seems to be a lazy bastard, sorry. He isn’t interested in the hard work of raising children. He just wants to escape. But perhaps it’s grief. Perhaps he can’t face them knowing one is longer there.

You do need to talk. You both created these children and however sad he is, they deserve better and so do you. Nobody has the luxury of not bothering. He needs to get his finger out and pull his weight.

Sorry.

Ohdearnotagain76 · 03/12/2022 16:04

Could he just be struggling, loosing a baby is horrific for anyone and if counselling wasn’t right for him maybe he’s scared to get close to the kids in case something happens. It doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you none of us can answer that but you’ve been through so much individually, as a couple and as a family. I wouldn’t give up yet or take it personally, stay strong and see if he’s willing to admit something needs to change. Not wanting the baby doesn’t mean the baby isn’t loved but he could also feel ashamed of that. Good luck and congratulations on your latest xx

Original poster
Kentlassie · 03/12/2022 16:10

I just don’t know. All of these things could be true….he could’ve checked out and be a selfish twat, and he could just be struggling.

He has decided to not go away tonight but is massively annoyed and has gone to sainsburys to (in his words) get away from me because I’m controlling.

It could be that this time of year is affecting him. Aside from xmas, dd’s birthday and anniversary are this time of year too. We both deal with it differently - he likes to mark the two dates and I don’t.

On being a good dad - he is to the older two and they adore him. He hasn’t bonded with the baby at all and will openly tell me it (baby) is not enjoyable and he doesn’t like spending time with him. If I didn’t ask him to hold the baby while I go for a wee etc in the evening, he never would.

I think he probably has checked out for the all reasons above, and whilst he loves the older two, feels nothing for me and the baby.

OP posts:
Ohdearnotagain76 · 03/12/2022 16:14

Ask him if he loves you, not as a mother or friend but as a lover, partner. Could you also be struggling and not realise as if you stop and think about yourself it’s hard to get going again

Aubree17 · 03/12/2022 16:18

No your marriage isn't over. It's just tough at the minute.

OldFan · 03/12/2022 16:26

It's still early days OP I'm sure he'll bond with the baby. But how he's acting isn't ok.

amonsteronthehill · 03/12/2022 16:29

I'd walk out with the baby and leave him with the other 2 before he bails out once again for his own event.

This has got to stop.

He's being grossly unfair.

Bananarama21 · 03/12/2022 16:33

You mentioned you lost a child and then went on to have a surprise pregnancy is that child the same sex by any chance? It could be in his grief he is struggling to bond with the baby and why he takes himself away as he feels in away that child has replaced his firs torn which isn't the case. The fact he has a good bond with your twins would suggest this. Have you both had grief counselling? I cannot fathom the heartbreak you've been through op I think you can pull through this hard time but you've both got to be on the same page.

Bananarama21 · 03/12/2022 16:35

Just saw your update. He sounds like he's struggling with his grief compound with thr fact there's a new baby in the mix. How long ago did this all happen?

CambsAlways · 03/12/2022 16:49

Awww giving you a virtual hug op, to lose a child must be the worst thing ever! You certainly have your hands full, you must be exhausted, physically and mentally, I do think your husband is being cruel regarding your baby calling him it, and not enjoying him, takes two to make a baby! He’s massively annoyed that he is not going out tonight! I think you both need to sit down when you get a spare minute, you have lots to sort through, he is possibly struggling for sure, but I still think he’s being selfish

pog100 · 03/12/2022 16:50

Struggling with grief and fucking off to train for marathons and go to parties do not equate.
I'm sure your have already but you need a really serious talk about the effect this is having on your attitude to him and the serious and real risk that you will leave him.

Billybear1 · 03/12/2022 17:05

You both need to have a conversation about whats happening in your marraige. Ask if he’ll agree to marraige councelling.

Opentooffers · 03/12/2022 18:59

Do you know what, it takes huge cahoonas to tackle this head on. But in the long run, it's probably the best way whatever the outcome, and even if its negative there will be huge respect gained because of it, the kind of respect you haven't been shown so far - more avoidance really.
So, I think the best thing would be to pin him down to a serious chat - preferably if you get a moment where there is less tension, but if that never occurs than any time.
I don't blame you if you struggle with getting the balls for this, because a direct question, could give a negative direct answer, but if that were to occur, you are better off knowing too ultimately.
What generally happens when the big talk is avoided is long misery, bickering , resentment, nagging, resistance, bitterness and possibly more damage leading to a prolonged end. It's better to sort this if possible before that much crap has built up.
Turn it on him, it's less threatening than saying you are thinking you'd be happier apart outright. Say how you feel, you feel he's disconnecting, his avoidance makes it seem that he no longer cares, then ask him the big question of how he feels, does he want out? How does he feel about separation? His answers should be very revealing.