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Original poster

would you ask someone you were seeing how many people they had slept with?

39 replies

nappyaddict · 31/01/2008 22:23

i'm that my friend has just asked the bloke she is seeing this. if someone asked me i would find it very rude. i suppose if i was in an actual relationship i wouldn't mind too much and would expect it to come up at some point.

OP posts:
bookwormmum · 31/01/2008 22:32

Depends how far down the line it is I guess. Personally I don't really want to know the exact number (I cringe when asked this by a man since there are around three possible reactions - they're shocked and think you are a slut; they're intrigued or they laugh) and you can always make an educated guess when you get to know them.

JamesAndTheGiantBanana · 31/01/2008 22:32

Just seeing, no. When I'm in a relationship yeah. I'm pretty open and the men I choose are too so we share loads of details about past sex lives, not just numbers. I like knowing all there is to know, I'm nosey!

expatinscotland · 31/01/2008 22:34

NO.

Never.

Even if it were a serious relationship.

What the hell does that matter?

It's in the past, what matters is how we are now and will be in the future.

TBH if someone did and got insistent on it it would be a red flag to me that they had issues about the past and letting go of the past.

bookwormmum · 31/01/2008 22:34

My ex bf is really jealous, even of past doings, so sharing details would not be an option! In fact, I was careful what details I let slip about past relationships for this reason. It wasn't worth the hassle since the old green-eyed monster would rear up from time to time (usually after a row). One reason we split up.

bookwormmum · 31/01/2008 22:35

Expat - that was it in reverse for me. Since I declined to discuss it, he thought I had 'issoos' that had to be teased out of me. Far from it.

Original poster
nappyaddict · 31/01/2008 22:36

i agree with expat. i would never ask this but if a bf asked me i wouldn't mind giving an answer. i remember one bf asking me then going in a right strop about it. if you're going to have hang ups about the answer why ask in the first place?

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 31/01/2008 22:37

Yeah, that's a red flag to me, book.

I had a bf who went into detail about past sexual partners. Unasked, of course.

He turned out to be insecure and verbally abusive.

Anyone who got insistent on knowing would be at the kerb if he were going out with me.

TheBlonde · 31/01/2008 22:38

no, DH & I have discussed our pasts but mostly in relation to people we still see who we have previously shagged

bookwormmum · 31/01/2008 22:39

I think some men want to find out so they can either show off at being more experienced or try and put you down if the positions are reversed. Of course lots of men are probably just a bit curious and won't think anything of it.

Jackstini · 31/01/2008 22:42

Not if just seeing.
If in a relationship and I was thinking of having kids with them then I would ask if he had had unprotected sex with anyone whose history he was not sure of

RosaLuxOnTheBrightSideOfLife · 31/01/2008 22:54

What is the difference between seeing someone and being in a relationship? How do you decided when you have crossed the line?

Jackstini · 31/01/2008 22:58

I would say when you move from casual dates to either spending most of your time together / agreeing to be exclusive / moving in together / talking about the fact you see yourselves being together for the forseeable future...
Probably different for everyone

JamesAndTheGiantBanana · 31/01/2008 23:05

Rosalux, I would say the difference for me is when you know them well enough to trust them, and then you get to that pillowtalk stage where you confess all. I feel so much closer to my dp because we've shared so many secrets. The number of sexual partners isn't important, but it is interesting and telling, imho.

postingatlast · 01/02/2008 12:37

as a man, I never used to mind being asked and i suspect most men do not mind. It does depend a bit, however, on if it is asked in a slightly bunny boiling type way or if it is in the context of open conversation. Generally with me it just used to come up in the course of comfortable intimate chats.

I think such info is pretty harmless with someone you are being intimate with. It's just facts, no different to the school you went to or whether you like red or white wine. Also, the partner's reaction can be a good indicator of whether they are the right person for you. To take two extremes, a virgin is with the wrong person if she pisses herself laughing when she finds out and someone with a colourful past is with the wrong person if she whips the bible out (or any other religious book of course!) when he tells her that he has been promiscuous!

My attitude was always a simple one - my past is what lead me to the point I was at at that specific moment in time. If any [potential] partner had a problem with any part of it, they were clearly not accepting of me as an individual, flaws and mistakes and all!

Of course, if the info had ever been used against me, either there and then or at a later date, that DP would quickly have become and ex-dp!!

PeterDuck · 01/02/2008 12:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

postingatlast · 01/02/2008 12:58

last sentence PeterDuck, nail hit on head...

greeneyedgirl · 01/02/2008 14:50

I have asked, more cos I am totally nosey than any need to know. The blokes in question didn't have a prob with it at all! I have a very laid back attitude to sex though and it doesn't matter to me what the answer ends up being.

tiredemma · 01/02/2008 14:51

No- whats the point? I dont need to know.

RosaLuxOnTheBrightSideOfLife · 01/02/2008 16:42

But what if you don't KNOW how many people you've slept with? Doesn't sound too good does it? 'Um, er, I think probably around, you know, sort of averagish numbers, but well it depend doesn't it on exactly how we define 'slept with' and er, oh god, shall we say, I don't know 40ish. Probably.'
If I had said that to DH he would have run a mile.
So I said 10.

Oblomov · 01/02/2008 16:49

No.
Def not.
I never asked dh either - but then I never needed to, becasue as we talked about past life/holidays/parties he went to, the rough number became apparent.
I think it is a big NO NO !

tissy · 01/02/2008 16:50

I was once asked by a bf for numbers of previous shags, and whether they were serious or one-night stands. this was before we got down to any thing.

He got dumped sharpish.

MrsMattie · 01/02/2008 16:51

Never. And I would never tell anyone how many people I'd slept with, either. Not even my husband knows. None of his business!

ZippiBabes · 01/02/2008 16:52

no...tho iam pretty curious at the mo re someone i am seeing but it would be terrible bad manners to ask

beaniesteve · 01/02/2008 16:52

I would ask (Have asked) but I wouldn't let it upset me. My Boyfriend has slept with loads of people, I have slept with two. All I care about is that he's disease free and he wants to be witn me. The past is the past. I don't think there's anything wrong with asking unless you're then going to get all upset about it!

Blu · 01/02/2008 16:54

It would probably come up at some stage - but only as a matter of passing interest. I would drop anyone who made it a sort of interview question - or who was at all bothered, one way or another - by the answer.

I would be suspicious of anyone who was particyularly 'private' about giving an answer, or prickly about being asked because afaiac, it is of very little importance.

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