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Original poster

Thoughts on this situation with new boyfriend and drugs?

43 replies

Hiya36 · 02/12/2022 21:46

I have been exclusive with my boyfriend now for 6 months, we get on really well.
back story is he was every open about smoking a lot of weed when he was younger, gave up during lockdown as he felt his mental health was suffering. Has used ‘party’ drugs for over 15 years recreationally. When we first started talking he said he would take Coke 2-3 times a year.
i am completely anti drugs and I said this was a deal breaker for me and he said then it was something he would give up completely. He has also recently started a new job that drugs test. I say all this because I want to make clear I don’t have any concerns that he is using drugs now.
anyway his best friend is coming home for Christmas, he lives very far away and hasn’t been home in a number of years, he has previously told me this guy is a ‘stoner’. My boyfriend then said he would be sorting his friend out with weed and whatever else he might want for his time at home. I was a bit horrified and said I thought he was done with all that. He doesn’t understand why this is a big deal to me as he’s doing his friend a ‘favour’ and ‘it’s not like he’s taking it’. Just makes me feel strange and as if it’s not something I want associated with. I just thought that was all behind him now. Am I overreacting?

OP posts:
Globetrotterwitch · 02/12/2022 21:47

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

KangarooKenny · 02/12/2022 21:52

I wouldn’t stay with him, but then I wouldn’t have got with him either knowing his history .

Watchkeys · 02/12/2022 22:48

He doesn't have to understand why it's a big deal to you; it's not about his understanding of the situation. That's not the important thing.

If you think you could be 'over' reacting, you must think that there's a correct level of reacting to things. Which authority sets the correct level for things that you do? Who are you answering to?

Galarunner · 02/12/2022 22:51

Supplying someone else with drugs is dealing, even if you aren't making any money out of it. Why can't his drug using friend bring his own?

Original poster
Hiya36 · 02/12/2022 22:53

I guess I’m just wondering how other people would feel about this. He seems to think it’s a real overreaction that I’ve kinda lost sight of it

OP posts:
Original poster
Hiya36 · 02/12/2022 22:54

Galarunner · 02/12/2022 22:51

Supplying someone else with drugs is dealing, even if you aren't making any money out of it. Why can't his drug using friend bring his own?

That’s what I said but apparently his friend has no contacts because he’s been living away.

OP posts:
GettingItOutThere · 02/12/2022 22:54

ex- boyfriend mabey?

you can do better, and you know it.

ImJustMadAboutSaffron · 02/12/2022 23:32

Hiya36 · 02/12/2022 22:53

I guess I’m just wondering how other people would feel about this. He seems to think it’s a real overreaction that I’ve kinda lost sight of it

I'll tell you how I feel. I'd bin him. I'd have not started anything with him knowing he took drugs and mixes with people who do.

But that's me. What are you going to do?

Dappledapples · 02/12/2022 23:44

He's going to break the law as a favour to his mate - not somebody I would want to be in a relationship with.

Watchkeys · 02/12/2022 23:51

Hiya36 · 02/12/2022 22:53

I guess I’m just wondering how other people would feel about this. He seems to think it’s a real overreaction that I’ve kinda lost sight of it

But why does what other people would feel about it matter? You know how you feel about it, you've told us: you're a bit horrified, it makes you feel strange, and you don't want to be associated with it. Anyone else's feelings are irrelevant. Your relationship is about you. So you might decide, unlike many other people, that you don't want a partner who has a dog (for example). If you got 100 replies saying 'But dogs are lovely! My partner's got a dog!', would you decide to stay with someone who had a dog, because the replies showed you that you were 'doing it wrong'?

SmileyClare · 02/12/2022 23:55

This is his best friend so he’s going to hang out with him isn’t he? He’s very likely to have a smoke with him or whatever.

He could easily pass a couple of contacts to his friend and leave him to it. He’s not, he’s getting it for him.

I wouldn’t have an issue with occasional recreational use but you do.

you’re with the wrong guy, you can’t trust him. Drugs have been normalised for him by his using and socialising with like minded people. You’re poles art and I think it’s likely he’s not telling the whole truth because of your stance.

SmileyClare · 02/12/2022 23:57

*poles apart

Ofcourseshecan · 03/12/2022 00:14

Hiya36 · 02/12/2022 22:54

That’s what I said but apparently his friend has no contacts because he’s been living away.

Show quote history

Then he’ll have to survive without the drugs. You really don’t want to be mixed up with drug-dealing.

dropthevipers · 03/12/2022 00:17

From personal experience, when you give up drugs you also give up contact with your dealers. You do the maths.

Greenshake · 03/12/2022 00:25

This would be a total deal-breaker for me. Just no.

Opentooffers · 03/12/2022 00:42

Does he know his mate is still a stoner after all the years he's been away? You've said you're not happy with it, I think I'd bide my time on this and see how it pans out. I think you'll find out at the time how much joining in he's doing while sorting his friend out, then you could base your response on that knowledge. If he gets drug tested at work, he'd be a fool to do it himself.

Aquamarine1029 · 03/12/2022 00:47

i am completely anti drugs and I said this was a deal breaker for me

So is this true or not? If you are completely anti-drug then this relationship should be over , right fucking now. The red flags are waving right in your face. Don't be the woman who makes meaningless ultimatums and lets some loser trod all over their boundaries.

Watchkeys · 03/12/2022 00:53

It's only been 6 months. Really not worth challenging your morals for.

Also, you have a big problem with something, and he's minimising your feelings. Doesn't matter if it's about drugs or which chippy to go to, that's not a trait you'd see in someone who was capable of a healthy relationship.

aSofaNearYou · 03/12/2022 00:55

Personally I do feel you are overreacting but everyone is entitled to have their own dealbreakers, it's fair enough if this is yours.

AgentJohnson · 03/12/2022 05:40

Drugs aren’t in his past, they are still a part of his present. For someone who’s anti drugs you can’t half pick’em.

His boundaries about drugs aren’t your boundaries and you have done yourself a disservice by being in a relationship with someone whose beliefs don’t fully align with yours. The likelihood of him remaining clean while he facilitates his bestie doing all sorts, is slim.

Personally, I think you’re wasting your time here because your core belief on this subject aren’t aligned.

Guakamolly · 03/12/2022 05:43

Why do you need to ask us this?
You need to trust yourself more. It doesn't matter if Jackie thinks it's ok, you don't and that's good enough. End it with him because his values don't align with yours. 6 months is nothing, bin him and move on.

PepsiMaxAholic · 03/12/2022 05:44

The fact that your partner even has 'contacts' makes me think he is still using.

mellongoose · 03/12/2022 06:16

His history wouldn't be a deal breaker for me but it's not history, is it. He's still involved.

Can he really leave it all behind? There'll always be someone's mate or a one off party where peer pressure could get the better of him.

I'd be worried.

Emmylou22 · 03/12/2022 08:08

I suspect he's still heavily using. I once dated a guy who, on the first date, claimed he was a 'social smoker'. He was actually on 20 a day. Later told me he smoked the odd joint. Turned out he smoked 3 or 4 joints every day. Later told me he'd taken cocaine a couple of times on 'special occasions' but wasn't a regular user. Turned out he was snorting the stuff every weekend. This from a guy who never had any money (we know where it all went!).
OP - he's downplaying his relationship with drugs. If it makes you uncomfortable, leave.

Ladyintangerine · 03/12/2022 08:11

@KangarooKenny I wouldn’t stay with him, but then I wouldn’t have got with him either knowing his history .

This ^