Thoughts on this situation with new boyfriend and drugs?

[Hiya36]

I have been exclusive with my boyfriend now for 6 months, we get on really well.
back story is he was every open about smoking a lot of weed when he was younger, gave up during lockdown as he felt his mental health was suffering. Has used ‘party’ drugs for over 15 years recreationally. When we first started talking he said he would take Coke 2-3 times a year.
i am completely anti drugs and I said this was a deal breaker for me and he said then it was something he would give up completely. He has also recently started a new job that drugs test. I say all this because I want to make clear I don’t have any concerns that he is using drugs now.
anyway his best friend is coming home for Christmas, he lives very far away and hasn’t been home in a number of years, he has previously told me this guy is a ‘stoner’. My boyfriend then said he would be sorting his friend out with weed and whatever else he might want for his time at home. I was a bit horrified and said I thought he was done with all that. He doesn’t understand why this is a big deal to me as he’s doing his friend a ‘favour’ and ‘it’s not like he’s taking it’. Just makes me feel strange and as if it’s not something I want associated with. I just thought that was all behind him now. Am I overreacting?

@Emmylou22 yeah I had guys say they drank socially only to find out later that they are alcoholics.

I feel similarly about drugs.
I dated a guy who at the beginning told me that he had smoked weed. Then it become that he occasionally smoked weed. Then it was that he smoked weed when he was with his friends socially. Then he was cancelling plans with me incredibly last minute to smoke with his housemate instead. It became clear that weed was an important part of his life. He was in fact incredibly “pro-weed” and just had been telling me what he thought I wanted to hear at the beginning. He slowly chipped away at my boundaries until it became clear what his priority was.
Don’t waste any more time. I am almost certain that your boyfriend has downplayed (and may still be downplaying) his drug use.

Was about to say exactly the same.

I wouldn’t have got with him knowing he had a long history of drug use.

I have a zero tolerance policy for drugs other than the occasional alcoholic drink in moderation. I would not pick a partner who had a history of drug use. I don't care how unreasonable that sounds to some.

I think it's the thin end of the wedge -

• if he gets the drugs for his friend, it's pretty likely the friend will offer him some,
• or theyll do them together when they socialise,
• or the temptation will be to get a little for himself while he's there. After all if you're taking the risk of buying...

I wouldn't like it. Why can't he just introduce his friend to the contact friend?

Nah. It's a soft entry back into the lifestyle.

This is the difference you don’t want anything to do with drugs. It’s normal to him. I am like you. My ex had friends who were still doing drugs. He said he wasn’t early on in our Relationship he lied about taking them it was pretty obvious he was. Years later he would from time to time run friends to pick drugs up. I had enough sometimes he had used my car. My job was health/social care related and it didn’t sit well.

Your boyfriend has told you that he is going to procure cannabis and whatever else (probably cocaine) for his friend.

That makes your boyfriend a drug dealer.

What’s his relationship history?

I suspect drug use was took its toll repeatedly on previous relationships?

He’s testing your boundaries here. He said he could knock the 2-3 times a year coke habit on the head - maybe he has done in the last 6 months (maybe he hasn’t) - looks to me that he’s excited and craving for a Christmas binge - when he might be off work and not tested?

Seems like he’s sounding you out. He could be honest with his mate and say “Soz can’t help - don’t do that anymore” or even passed on dealers contacts - but he’s straight in the deep end involved.

He’s still using or is looking forward to again at Xmas with his mate.

As others have said - doesn’t matter what others think is appropriate - someone else’s boundaries might be “great found a partner I can do coke with a couple of times a year / every weekend / everyday” - all that matters is your values.

Pay close attention to them and don’t let them be eroded.

And remember this is him on his very best behavior in the honeymoon period.

My relationship started very similarly as yours.
Same explanations, same excuses.
He was apparently hunging out with mates who smoked but he didn't join. Then he only smoked "occasionally" - not a big deal according to him.
I'm not going to go into details here but years down the road the relationship went really really badly causing me huge trauma and upheaval.
Addicts lie and lie and keep finding excuses. Recreational abuse turns into full blown addiction quickly. It doesn't take much if someone already lucks discipline and doesn't have healthy coping skills - hence takes illegal drugs in a first place.
Anyone who has a history but is actually recovered would take any exposure to drugs very very seriously - be that handling drugs or being around people who take them.
It's up to you what you do but you can't change him and be prepared for it to get worse or to uncover much more uncomfortable truth about him.

Do you have kids @Hiya36?

Your boyfriend will be supplying, and also partaking of, drugs when his friend visits

Apply this to your “anti drugs” stance and you have your answer

Deal breaker for me, but I wouldn't have got involved in the first place due to his history. I think there's too much potential for heartbreak in this relationship.

Thanks everyone. I don’t believe he is still so of drugs now at all just with the conversations we have had about it and the work thing but I just was surprised at how flippantly he said that he would ‘sort’ his friend out. He then said surprised at how horrified I was and genuinely didn’t see the issue with it

Why doesn't he just introduce his friend to the dealer friend and otherwise stay out of it?

Be stupid to get arrested for the sake of getting his mate some drugs, apart from the slippery slope of social pressure from them.

Drugs, especially weed, are so easily available his friend wouldn't need your bf to 'sort him out'. Your Bf is using this as an excuse to re engage with drugs.

This. He could have just given his mate the dealer's number.

I had a cousin who came over to UK from Canada for 2 weeks and managed to score weed within his first 2 days here.
Trust me, you'll know how to find it if you want it.

That aside...I'd never be ok with this. If drugs is a hard no, no exceptions, for you, then he should respect that or fuck off.
Don't stand for this shit and don't let it slide. It's not a small thing, you're not overreacting and most importantly this shit is illegal so cut your losses