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Original poster

Would you stay in a sexless marriage?

49 replies

WinterWould · 02/12/2022 20:23

I'm 31, me and my DH have not had sex in 2 years. DH has mental health issues for which he takes medication which severely affects his sex drive and also causes ED. He cannot stop taking this medication otherwise his mental health disorder would be completely unmanaged. I never put any pressure on him because I know he feels bad about this. I love him dearly but how can I resign myself to a life with no sex? I just feel so sad.
I would really like some advice on what other people would think/feel/do in this situation.

OP posts:
Ivyblu · 02/12/2022 20:28

No. My best friend met a guy and dated him... sex wasn't an issue but at the time she was a few years younger than you. They dated for around 6 months he also had a personality disorder it was too much for her in the end and she broke it off with him.

Back to your situ... how long have you been together? Did you meet him with mental issues? What about children?

Sorry I know it must be tough. I couldn't sign up for this at your young age and I'm not highly sexed or anything but it's a bug big commitment!

HelloMrBond · 02/12/2022 20:32

I remember being 28 years old and thinking the same as you OP. At that point we had sex maybe twice a year. My solution was to throw myself into my working life as a distraction. 12 years on we still only dtd once or twice a year but I’ve grown to accept it, I didn’t want to break my family up, plus we’re so very good with our normal day to day lives. Yes, I’ve probably missed out, but my mantra is that there’s always someone worse off than myself.

Original poster
WinterWould · 02/12/2022 20:33

We have been together for 10 years. I was aware when I married him that he had mental health difficulties, but before he started the different medication we actually used to have what I would say 'a healthy' sex life.
However this medication he has been on for 4 years and it manages his mental health really well.... minus this issue 😞 I just feel so awful. I would feel like a terrible person to leave the person I love for something he cannot help. But I just don't feel like me anymore, I feel almost worthless and have no self esteem. Sorry for the vent... I have nobody to talk to about this. We have 1 child (5 years old) which would make it even harder and would make me feel even worse to even think about leaving

OP posts:
Original poster
WinterWould · 02/12/2022 20:35

HelloMrBond · 02/12/2022 20:32

I remember being 28 years old and thinking the same as you OP. At that point we had sex maybe twice a year. My solution was to throw myself into my working life as a distraction. 12 years on we still only dtd once or twice a year but I’ve grown to accept it, I didn’t want to break my family up, plus we’re so very good with our normal day to day lives. Yes, I’ve probably missed out, but my mantra is that there’s always someone worse off than myself.

Does it make you feel really down and sad? I just can't help thinking about it a lot but I really don't want to leave him. But the thought of spending my whole life like this is terrifying

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 02/12/2022 20:59

Is he still affectionate with you? There are other things you can do together to be intimate if he wants to try any of them.

HelloMrBond · 02/12/2022 21:00

WinterWould · 02/12/2022 20:35

Does it make you feel really down and sad? I just can't help thinking about it a lot but I really don't want to leave him. But the thought of spending my whole life like this is terrifying

Show quote history

I must admit that it does make me feel that there is something huge that I’m missing out on. Our physical relationship (general cuddles / affection) is somewhat diminished too. I dare say that we live like housemates, but it upsets me to think that. My partners the same as yours, and takes MH meds.

Cyrrik · 02/12/2022 21:01

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Jakadaal · 02/12/2022 21:03

20+ years later please leave you deserve more. I missed my 'golden moment'
To leave and am still here. It's soul destroying xx

Icecreamandapplepie · 02/12/2022 21:09

Yes, I would stay.

Particularly with young children.

Not a popular answer here but there you go. Life isn't perfect.

Ivyblu · 02/12/2022 21:10

@Cyrrik I'm not sure if you have posted before but the honeymoon part sounds very similar. Its so difficult because at 27 you perhaps didn't really realise the red flags.

Your situation is different to OP though. Hats off to you it's must be so hard especially because it's all you know. I suspect me and others find it difficult to imagine because we have more dating experience too.

What strikes me about your story is your DH is refusing to try counselling yet threatening divorce. He could be gay? Sorry but for me to accept this I would need to know the actual reasons I was in a sexless marriage.

Original poster
WinterWould · 02/12/2022 21:12

To the question about affection - yes there is. And my goodness does he make me laugh which is so important to me too - to laugh every day. It is literally just the sex aspect which makes it even more of a sad and difficult situation.

OP posts:
Original poster
WinterWould · 02/12/2022 21:14

@Cyrrik did he give a reason for refusing therapy?

OP posts:
Cyrrik · 02/12/2022 21:21

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Cyrrik · 02/12/2022 21:27

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AttilaTheMeerkat · 02/12/2022 21:31

Cyrrik

He is not great at all nor amazing. Why did you write this about him? He is also not above threatening divorce either if you sleep with another man.

He was neither supportive nor kind when he was mimicking you begging for sex.
You do not have to grow flowers in the hole he has dug for you.

What do you think your children are learning about relationships here from you two?. What do you want to teach them about relationships?. Would you advise them when adults to remain in a sexless marriage?. I do not think that you would.

You have a choice re this man and your children do not. You cannot fully hide your unhappiness at their dad from them, they can and will pick up on all the vibes, both spoken and unspoken, between you and he.

Original poster
WinterWould · 02/12/2022 21:32

@Cyrrik It really sounds like he does not want to try. Does he hold your hand? Hug you, kiss etc?

OP posts:
Ivyblu · 02/12/2022 21:32

@Cyrrik in the gentlest way there's obviously a reason and he's been dishonest about it. The fact that he's gas lighting you.. makes me think he is guilty.

There's similar stories and people are often gay. I think it's always dangerous when a man always tries to make out women don't discuss sex or just other certain issues with their friends. Personally I do my close close friends we speak about all sorts I just want to "check" almost it's healthy and how we will learn if we don't speak about certain thing.

Luredbyapomegranate · 02/12/2022 21:33

I don’t think I’d sign up for it long term no.

Have you discussed it with him, is there a possibility different meds would be less of an issue. If so, I think it’s worth you both speaking to his consultant, because he can’t be the only one.

Other than that you could try an open marriage..

But honestly - I think you are too young for these kinds of compromises, you have your whole life ahead of you and you don’t want it to be sexless. It’s just too big a part of life to miss out on all that.

Original poster
WinterWould · 02/12/2022 21:34

Luredbyapomegranate · 02/12/2022 21:33

I don’t think I’d sign up for it long term no.

Have you discussed it with him, is there a possibility different meds would be less of an issue. If so, I think it’s worth you both speaking to his consultant, because he can’t be the only one.

Other than that you could try an open marriage..

But honestly - I think you are too young for these kinds of compromises, you have your whole life ahead of you and you don’t want it to be sexless. It’s just too big a part of life to miss out on all that.

Unfortunately it appears that most of the medications seem to have that affect. But worth another try talking to the consultant together to see if there's anything else at all

OP posts:
Luredbyapomegranate · 02/12/2022 21:36

@Cyrrik

some of his behaviour amounts to emotional abuse. Unless you get a dramatic turnaround in couples therapy - please make plans to leave. He has no right to drag you down with him.

thelobsterquadrille · 02/12/2022 21:42

Yes, but I don't have a high sex drive anyway and neither does DH 🤷🏻‍♀️

Dashel · 02/12/2022 22:04

Could he try viagra or similar? I know anti depressants can cause issues for men getting hard and so the worry and embarrassment if not working properly might put him off. Medication might help to give him the confidence to know everything will work

Original poster
WinterWould · 02/12/2022 22:09

Dashel · 02/12/2022 22:04

Could he try viagra or similar? I know anti depressants can cause issues for men getting hard and so the worry and embarrassment if not working properly might put him off. Medication might help to give him the confidence to know everything will work

Yes has tried this in the past and it definitely helps with the ED but sadly not the sex drive. But I guess at least we have that option

OP posts:
Cyrrik · 02/12/2022 22:17

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Cyrrik · 02/12/2022 22:22

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