Would you stay in a sexless marriage?

[WinterWould]

I'm 31, me and my DH have not had sex in 2 years. DH has mental health issues for which he takes medication which severely affects his sex drive and also causes ED. He cannot stop taking this medication otherwise his mental health disorder would be completely unmanaged. I never put any pressure on him because I know he feels bad about this. I love him dearly but how can I resign myself to a life with no sex? I just feel so sad.
I would really like some advice on what other people would think/feel/do in this situation.

Mental health plus no sex. Its no for me. You are still young op. You deserve better. I’m sorry i might sound like selfish but sometimes people need to be selfish and take care of themselves more. The only one who can make you happy its you op.. so if i were you i choose happiness in my life. We only live once.

This will no doubt be an unpopular reply but when you make marriage vows you say "In sickness and in health" . He is at this moment struggling with mental health and the side effects of the medication. If you love him surely you can work through this together. Like another poster suggested speak to the consultant and say how much it's affecting your sex life, and don't just leave DH but let him know how you are feeling and give him the chance to try and make things better for both of you.

Yes, if he was perfect in every other way and was the love of my life. Its hard to find a good man - i'm still single at 51 and I let a couple good ones slip past me and now I regret it.

Oh I really think there is a need here to ask psychiatry if there is a different treatment option. Hopefully it is not just his GP who treats? It is unreasonable not to look for an alternative.

Does he kiss and cuddle you
has he been to the drs to find a solution or try another medication
is there another way to deal with his MH
will you want more children
can you go to a sex therapist and work on his sex drive / find things he’s into? is he open to it if you help him get in the mood, but he’s just not spontaneously in the mood? Or even If you initiated would he say no every time?
will he be on this medication forever
how does he see this looking forever

i think your answers to those questions would be the deciding factor

Yes I would- I am. Husband had an affair 10 years ago and we limped on a few years but it got to the point where I couldn’t be intimate with him anymore. Told him it was how it was going to be- if he wanted a divorce we could. I focused on my kids, my life and started a new full time career. Family life is great- we are essentially roommates but I’m happy with my life. I’m sure lots of people would say ltb or that I’m wasting my life. I disagree- I don’t miss it, I’m well aware from divorced friends that the grass isn’t greener on the other side and right now my life is happy and full with friends, family and a job I love.
My kids are now older teens. We work as a family unit and I’m in no rush to change it. He knows this and made the choice also. Neither of us are ‘stuck’.
I never judge others because we all do what we feel is best. The big question is whether or not having a sex life is of such great importance to you. If it is, make the change.

We can tell you what we think and what we would (or have chosen to) do but ultimately this is your own life, your personality, priorities and threshold will be different to us.

The way I see it:

1. There is no guarantee with anyone that you will have good satisfying sex. Many men are clueless
2. Is my exploring dating other men and the headache and drama dating brings to my life worth missing out on seeing my child everyday and struggling on one income? Even if I wouldn't struggle, is it worth reduced finances?
3. If the shoe was on the other foot would I appreciate being left for needing to take important medication to enable me to stay sane, alive, well and be there for our child?

I forgot who said, but on page 1 a poster said she will be flamed because she decided to cheat and has an affair partner with rules. Well, that may work for her but I suspect for many women, and I know for myself, I would not be able to enjoy sex with a man I met for sex. I want that bond, I want the dating, the intimacy. I don't want the (unpaid) prostitute sleazy experience, thanks. That's not worth missing my child every other weekend for and managing on a single income, in possibly a smaller and worse accommodation on my one wage.

You can't get everything from one person, I'm of the view that you either compromise or you have an arrangement where he knows you have a boyfriend on the side but realistically, to find a man like that is going to take time away from your family as you date and establish a bond, it will also take mental space in your head when they text or don't text and what does this look and gesture mean ... etc.

The grass is not greener. You might have great sex, but he's not a good dad or has addiction. You might have good sex but then YOU go off the sex.

There is no guarantees about this mystery stud that may or may not come into your life. What is guaranteed is the drop in finances and seeing your child less. Some people make decisions based on facts, some do them based on gut feelings or heart. Just make sure you are realistic about what your life will be like because good sex alone isn't enough to set up a family and home.

OP has been with this man since she was 21...... to want to have sex is a normal feeling even when your single it's a difficult situation.

I think there's some exceptions regarding marriage and your own mental health and well being has to be put first sometimes. OP has done really well to have done 10 years. She is still young so to spend the next 35+ years like this?

But she doesn't have to spend 35+ years like this. She made the decision to be with this man and have a child with him, and in 13 years her child will be an adult.

Sorry I don't want to upset you. Your posts get worse as they go on. What about you? What do you want from a marriage?

You need to be firmer a lot firmer you lay down the rules!.

When you DTD.... does he please you? So he doesn't struggle to perform? Honestly you need to leave this man.

Do you think you could of coped at 21 like this?

You are too young to live a life without sex. Antidepressants took my DH’s libido away and he wouldn’t try viagra. I should have gone then.

I think @Guakamolly has hit the nail on the head. I'm in a similar situation too, DP rarely wants sex, makes me out to be a sex pest/needy/desperate when I try to bring the lack of sex up.To add insult to injury he will still masturbate a few times a week though (to porn🙄), despite him claiming he has a low sex drive. That's the part I find soul destroying. If he was asexual/had medical issues I think I would cope a lot better. I'm 32 and he's 43, so I feel like I'm missing out on a lot. He will have intimacy on his terms (ie receiving oral sex) but has a real aversion to PIV.
I do plan on leaving at some point as there are other issues too, but for now it's definitely more pragmatic to stay. I think in your situation I would stay to be honest as it's a medical issue rather than a personal rejection. Definitely speak with the consultant as there may be something that can be done.

I agree, it is different when it's due to a medical reason.

I think porn has a lot to answer for!!

In the exact same position but male. Would love to have some intimacy and great sex again, but not at the expense of my family

No. I was in one, we went 2 years with no sex, probably did it twice in the last 5 years of marriage. I was so sad so much of the time. He also blamed medication for his mental health had killed his sexual drive -Turns out the prick was having an affair.

Not saying yours is obvs Op but I wouldn't entertain a sexless marriage again, to me it's essential

Theres no way I would be giving him oral. Its all one sided.

I have been in a sex less marriage for the last 5 years and it's completely warped my sense of identity. You are not alone. It makes me incredibly sad and angry. Angry at myself for not leaving and sad that I consider leaving nearly every month over no sex. The sexless part soon become intimacy less and now I feel guilty that it's become emotionless. I honestly feel like I'm a good friend of my partner. We sleep in seperate beds also due to their horrendous snoring. I try not to think about it because the sadness truly knocks me around mentally. And I honestly can cry at the thought of being intimate with my partner and how much I miss that. It leads me to despair to think I will have to leave them to ever feel that physical and emotional connection with another human. That's probably why I stay. Fear. Every year I say I'm not doing this for another year and well here we are 5 years later.

I hear you, @fifteenohfour

I have no solutions. Unless you’re in one, no one knows how soul destroying a sexless marriage is.

I have recently left my relationship for this reason OP. I tried so hard to make things ok, but I couldn’t do it anymore.

Eventually, it’s not about the lack of sex, it’s about the lack of consideration for our feelings. My ex refused to go get checked over at the GP, refused to go to counselling with me.

It was affecting my self esteem and mental health.

You are very going to be in a sexless relationship. Yes, you have intimacy in other ways but you may grow to resent your partner.

It is better to be on your own than in a relationship that is having such a negative effect on you

@Cyrrik exactly, I can sort most problems out in my life. Everything seems to have a solution but the solution to this is pain no matter what. You leave and you leave someone you still love over sex? Or you stay out of hope that things will get better which prolongs the pain or you cheat and cause them pain for something they usually aren't doing to be malicious it's just how they are wired..in the meantime you are keeping this all inside and it really really kills the soul.

You know what gets me down a lot too, is how much sex is focused on in TV shows and movies. It's so unrealistic, there is never any representation for sexless marriages in the media despite almost 60% of couples saying they wish there was more sex/passion in their marriage or relationship.

Difficult for someone else to say isn't it. Until I left my first partner, and we were together for a few years, I didn't realise how selfish he was in bed. It was all about him, but perfect in other ways.

I'd never had anyone to compare him to, I'd met him very young, but knew I was missing out and felt used in that respect. In the end we broke up anyway, not because of that particularly but it probably was a factor. Since then I've been treated properly in that respect.

I am also in same situation, but male of the couple.

It's such a difficult situation as I have the same feeling of thinking I'm selfish thinking about my own needs and trying to be supportive.

There is no clear cut answer and I find myself confused about what I should be doing.