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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Drama about putting heart emojis on Facebook posts

59 replies

ImJustMadAboutSaffron · 01/12/2022 21:40

Just got off the phone over half an hour with my friend ranting on about a man she is "talking to" (she's in Ripon, he's in Botswana!) putting hearts on posts by his female Facebook friends. Lots of rubbish about how it upsets her and winds her up and she's told him about it over and over but he still does it. He even put two big red hearts on someone's post, shocker!!

I told her that it's too much drama, and if my male friends did that (which they don't, they're grown ups, but more to the point they are also people I know in real life) I couldn't see the problem. "But we have very strong feelings for each other" she tells me. "And I can't stand him flirting". They've never even met. It's nuts. She posts passive aggressive messages on Facebook about him being childish and rude in the hope he will see it.

And waiting in the wings is the catalogue model from Las Vegas (or maybe Florida) who's wanting to come over and marry her. They were meant to be facetiming last night but he had had such a hard day and last time the connection suddenly went haywire and interrupted their chat ...

The whole thing is bonkers. Told her to enforce boundaries. If you don't like what he does, then stop talking to him.

But hearts on facebook posts, is that really such a big thing to get fussed over?

OP posts:
BoobsOnTheMoon · 01/12/2022 21:42

In Botswana and they've never even met, but she's obsessing over heart emojis on the internet, WTF?

Has she tried meeting men a little closer to home?

ImJustMadAboutSaffron · 01/12/2022 21:43

BoobsOnTheMoon · 01/12/2022 21:42

In Botswana and they've never even met, but she's obsessing over heart emojis on the internet, WTF?

Has she tried meeting men a little closer to home?

Only online. She has social anxiety and never goes out of the house.

OP posts:
Pinkbonbon · 01/12/2022 21:47

Umm...it's not her that needs to enforce boundaries. It's you with loonatic as a friend.

category12 · 01/12/2022 21:47

She sounds like she's going to end up on one of those "I was catfished and scammed out of my life savings" tv programmes.

I'd wonder why she's putting so much into someone at such a distance, what's behind that. Essentially preferring a fantasy to real life opportunities.

Thisisworsethananticpated · 01/12/2022 21:47

I feel for her
but I also feel for you
can’t be easy being her friend …..

ImJustMadAboutSaffron · 01/12/2022 21:49

Pinkbonbon · 01/12/2022 21:47

Umm...it's not her that needs to enforce boundaries. It's you with loonatic as a friend.

I've already agreed to go and cook Christmas dinner with her ...

OP posts:
Pinkbonbon · 01/12/2022 21:50

Ooft, well good luck with that xD

RandomMusings7 · 01/12/2022 21:54

Botswana lol. I bet she's sending him money. She sounds like the poster child for romance scams.

African guy and underwear model are probably working together to bleed her dry. Once you fall for a scam they add you to the gullible registry and they approach you from other accounts under different cover stories.

ImJustMadAboutSaffron · 01/12/2022 21:55

RandomMusings7 · 01/12/2022 21:54

Botswana lol. I bet she's sending him money. She sounds like the poster child for romance scams.

African guy and underwear model are probably working together to bleed her dry. Once you fall for a scam they add you to the gullible registry and they approach you from other accounts under different cover stories.

Well I asked about that and she says she hasn't sent them any money, and they haven't asked. Not yet anyway ...

OP posts:
RandomMusings7 · 01/12/2022 21:58

ImJustMadAboutSaffron · 01/12/2022 21:55

Well I asked about that and she says she hasn't sent them any money, and they haven't asked. Not yet anyway ...

How long has it been?
They can't start asking for money right away cause that would be too obvious.

ImJustMadAboutSaffron · 01/12/2022 22:03

RandomMusings7 · 01/12/2022 21:58

How long has it been?
They can't start asking for money right away cause that would be too obvious.

Months, the underpants model since July, and the other one she met on a Facebook group earlier than that.

OP posts:
RandomMusings7 · 01/12/2022 22:06

ImJustMadAboutSaffron · 01/12/2022 22:03

Months, the underpants model since July, and the other one she met on a Facebook group earlier than that.

Huh... then I might be wrong about the motivation, hopefully...

Pinkbonbon · 01/12/2022 22:08

And in that whole time has she ever had a webcam convo with mister underpants?

I'd be guessing him and the other guy are the same person.

Pinkbonbon · 01/12/2022 22:13

Assuming that SHE hasn't made them up so that she can make herself seem oh so popular and interesting. And get onto the phone with you and have long 'woe is me' rants to get your sympathy.

5128gap · 01/12/2022 23:28

I'd imagine she must be very lonely and starved of relationship opportunities to become so (potentially dangerously) over invested in these pseudo romances.
These 'relationships' appear to be very real to her, no doubt driven by manipulative men with dubious motivations.
If you care about her and have the capacity to help her OP, could you support her to increase her opportunities to meet people with genuine relationship potential? Joining things, the usual stuff?

ImJustMadAboutSaffron · 02/12/2022 05:11

5128gap · 01/12/2022 23:28

I'd imagine she must be very lonely and starved of relationship opportunities to become so (potentially dangerously) over invested in these pseudo romances.
These 'relationships' appear to be very real to her, no doubt driven by manipulative men with dubious motivations.
If you care about her and have the capacity to help her OP, could you support her to increase her opportunities to meet people with genuine relationship potential? Joining things, the usual stuff?

I've tried, it's been a slog to get her to go out as she's got shocking anxiety. We've been out for dinner twice and breakfast once since early August. She needs to do that before she can join anything I think but I'm trying.

Her conversation is all about herself and these guys. Never much about the other person unless it relates to her. Her therapist has asked if these people are real and she insists they are.

OP posts:
ShirleyKnott · 02/12/2022 05:35

I love you op.

she sounds difficult.

ImJustMadAboutSaffron · 02/12/2022 06:19

ShirleyKnott · 02/12/2022 05:35

I love you op.

she sounds difficult.

She's unable to see it's destroying her life. She says it makes her happy. Yet she's always down and crying.

OP posts:
Lilliflip · 02/12/2022 06:37

Pinkbonbon · 01/12/2022 22:08

And in that whole time has she ever had a webcam convo with mister underpants?

I'd be guessing him and the other guy are the same person.

Yes, very likely to be the same person.

WonderingWanda · 02/12/2022 07:02

She sounds exhausting op. You are being a good friend trying to help her but really she can only help her self. The best thing you can do is stop enabling this nonsense about these men on the Internet. Sit her down and make it really clear that you think this is very unhealthy and unsafe behaviour and you don't want to be a part of it or hear about it. You want to spend time with her. Keep the time you spend with her short and leave if she starts talking about them. Go armed with lots of other things to discuss (news, mutual friends, upcoming events etc) and just shut her down if she starts.

You can't make her stop talking to them but you don't have to be part of it!

Bananalanacake · 02/12/2022 07:19

The Ripon near Harrogate? That's near where I'm from, can't she try meeting local men in person.

ShirleyKnott · 02/12/2022 07:22

There might be a Botswana underpants clash

OldWivesTale · 02/12/2022 07:30

ImJustMadAboutSaffron · 01/12/2022 21:43

Only online. She has social anxiety and never goes out of the house.

She sounds very vulnerable and these men are going to try to take advantage of this. You need to warn her not to send any money, ever.

ImJustMadAboutSaffron · 02/12/2022 07:41

Bananalanacake · 02/12/2022 07:19

The Ripon near Harrogate? That's near where I'm from, can't she try meeting local men in person.

She's got social anxiety and is partially sighted so doesn't go out. Not unless I arrange something and that's always dramatic. Yes we're from North Yorkshire.

OP posts:
supercali77 · 02/12/2022 08:15

Its very draining to be constantly trying to get someone to see something so blatantly obvious, to have the same conversations on a loop. Theres only so much you can do to help her, I agree with a pp, your boundaries are what you need to institute. I remeber when I was having endless drama over a situationship, a good friend just said to me one day...I really care about you, and im here, but I cant watch you constantly undermining yourself. Its too much. That woke me up.