Drama about putting heart emojis on Facebook posts

[ImJustMadAboutSaffron]

Just got off the phone over half an hour with my friend ranting on about a man she is "talking to" (she's in Ripon, he's in Botswana!) putting hearts on posts by his female Facebook friends. Lots of rubbish about how it upsets her and winds her up and she's told him about it over and over but he still does it. He even put two big red hearts on someone's post, shocker!!

I told her that it's too much drama, and if my male friends did that (which they don't, they're grown ups, but more to the point they are also people I know in real life) I couldn't see the problem. "But we have very strong feelings for each other" she tells me. "And I can't stand him flirting". They've never even met. It's nuts. She posts passive aggressive messages on Facebook about him being childish and rude in the hope he will see it.

And waiting in the wings is the catalogue model from Las Vegas (or maybe Florida) who's wanting to come over and marry her. They were meant to be facetiming last night but he had had such a hard day and last time the connection suddenly went haywire and interrupted their chat ...

The whole thing is bonkers. Told her to enforce boundaries. If you don't like what he does, then stop talking to him.

But hearts on facebook posts, is that really such a big thing to get fussed over?

She's sounds in quite an unhealthy place. Her external life sounds so restricted that her remote (or fantasy) life is taking over. Its very sad and hopefully the therapy will be helpful.
As a friend there will be little you can do apart from maybe set your own boundaries about how much space in your relationship with her you will tolerate this taking. Talking to you about it is possibly exacerbating it as you will be a means of making it more 'real' and enabling her to indulge it, when ideally her time with you should be an opportunity to enjoy some real life with a real person.
Could you tell her that you'd like to talk about other things when you're together?

Your poor friend. This ia a scam and I suspect money has already been sent no matter what she says. The scammer will have a sick child at sometime, they always do. They can even fake zoom/facetime calls, its got very sophisticated now. As others have said, Underpants and Botswana are the same person. American ones always live in Florida never the Mid West!

Agree that Botswana and Mr Pants are the same. I had a friend who was scammed out of a lot of money, she never disclosed his much and I felt if she wanted me to have known she’d have told me, so didn’t ask . She was devastated, it was money her Dad had given to her to put towards a house. She never got that money back despite making a police report, many in fact.I’d imagine that she may have handed over money , but be too embarrassed to tell you.

Underpants was widowed when his wife died of breast cancer ...

Your poor friend taken in by scammers.
Hope she doesn't have a lot of money or she could end up with nothing and homeless.

Do you see this friend in person? Is she willing to go to therapy?

I'd make it a point to take her to meetups book club, walking group, or something to get back out in the real world.

The man in Botswana says he's originally from Zimbabwe and is in Botswana because of political unrest. He's got a Facebook profile with over a thousand friends including a brother who look genuine. She met him on a Facebook page for a music interest. But he could be posing as Captain Underpants I agree.

@emptythelitterbox ha I do a lot of that with six cats!

I see her in person once a week and have a phone call as well but it's hard to get a word in because of her self-focus.

She's had 30+ sessions with IAPT. I'm not sure she's telling the therapist about it.

I'm spending Christmas Day with her and I am concerned the phone will be pinging right left and centre all day. She's always on her phone. I've resolved that if that happens I'm going to say that I'm leaving as I can see she wants to spend time chatting with X or Y. And leave.

Botswana? Are you sure he's not a rich Prince?

6 Kitties! Gotta love 'em.

That's good you see her. Yes, it's real pain when someone gets sucked in. I had a coworker scammed out of thousands and another friend ended up married to one and lost his home.

I'm guessing you see her in her home?

I can relate to her struggles somewhat as I've had severe anxiety and have been housebound at times.

I missed the part about it being a slog to get her to go out anywhere.

Of course she isn't telling her therapist about scammers.

Do you know if she is prescribed medication? That helped immensely with being able to go outside.

I live near Ripon and I work with people who have anxiety and low mood, and are lonely and isolated. Every GP surgery in Ripon has a Social Prescriber who can support people like your friend. I would consider suggesting she makes an appointment to talk to them on the phone, they can give her some gentle advice on staying safe, and finding safe places to talk to people online. Anxiety UK has daily online meetings. The local Mind has online relaxation and mindfulness sessions. Maybe keeping busier and connecting with real local people, even if only online, will give her the social contact she needs.

What a great idea I hadn't a clue about this thank you!

There is a website that generates a link you can send to someone and when they click it, it automatically registers their IP number and where it's from.

You can propose to her to do this easy check together to see if the locations are consistent with the stories the two men have told her.

Can't remember the exact website but it should be easy to find

@AtrociousArtichoke She's been in therapy for over a year now. They often send her links of videos to watch and useful articles (paper through the post) but she either bursts into tears because she recognises herself or has them scattered around the house unread because she's prioritising these "relationships".

There's been other men too who are real and are local (ish) but they're nonstarters as they're married or playing games. Sex chat and pictures/videos, she feels it's empowering.

is she happy about you posting her town, medical condition and mental health condition here?

Can you work out who she is?

It's funny how social anxiety didn't seem to exist before the internet. I can't work out if it's a cause of it or a solution to it! Possibly both.

What’s the thread for? ‘But hearts on facebook posts, is that really such a big thing to get fussed over?’ was the question in your OP, to which the answer is obviously nah, then you go on the detail a woman’s conditions and private information on a site visited by millions, which could easily be lifted by some shitty rag journo. Why?

She was in a long relationship with a man who was a gaslighter

She's focusing on the wrong thing. Heart emojis which are ridiculous. Interesting nobody's really mentioned that which shows the importance.

If a rag decides to publish it, who do you think would recognise her? I doubt anyone would.

This is the fourth thread you’ve started about this woman since August. You’ve posted extensively, including details about your pretty niche job etc. You’re fairly heavily invested in the internet too, glass houses and all that……

Yes, being heavily invested in the internet chatting on Mumsnet is directly comparable to engaging with scammers, isn't it?

I wouldn't know. Are all these threads about the woman helping you at all?

(I don't care about the answer, btw, just something to think about)

Yes there have been some useful answers on this thread with practical suggestions.

I think this is wise. You can't save her from herself. You've tried, but you cannot help someone who is unwilling to help themselves. I have a similar friend, currently on his third online "fiancee" - one was also an underpants model (claiming to be from Bristol, of all places). Widowed US military man is also a regular feature. To me, it is blindingly obvious but to my friend each new guy is "the one". I just refuse to engage with it these days.

The last one (underpants model) had my friend saying that he'd spoken to a lawyer about suing for "false representation". I just said I didn't think he had a good chance of success in suing someone for lying about themselves on the internet.

It is quite draining to listen to again and again, as I'm sure you know. But mostly it is just sad. I worry about my friend being duped financially. I just don't engage with any of it anymore. I listen without comment. And, really, that's all you can do.