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Original poster

Am I a Wendy?

71 replies

KatherineClifton7 · 01/12/2022 14:14

Friend A has been friends with Friend B for years and recently invited us both to an event. We hit it off and have met a couple of times just us. Friend A doesn’t live near us.

Friend A has now sent me a tirade accusing me of meeting you with B without her, saying she would never do that to me and how hurt she is, and how I’m prioritising my new friendship. I sent a truly apologetic message back but now seeing red as she has doubled down and is still insulting me.

who is in the wrong here?

OP posts:

onlythreenow · 01/12/2022 21:05

For goodness sake! Friend A is being ridiculous, nobody "owns" their friends. I couldn't be bothered with someone like that.

Rogue1001MNer · 01/12/2022 21:21

I think the point about wendying I'd that the Wendy turns all the friends away from the original person, so they're left with nothing/no one.

So no, you're not being a Wendy.

On a human level, I can understand how your friend feels.
But as a grown up, she should keep that hurt to herself.

Mary46 · 01/12/2022 21:52

Friendships can be strange. I do get it op hard when they dont live local. Next time I would include her. My daughter was saying it can be odd dynamics with 3 in a group.

bloodyeffinnora · 01/12/2022 22:00

MoChridhe · 01/12/2022 14:26

Yes you are a Wendy. You could have invited friend along despite her living far away just to give her an opportunity to say no.

agree with this

ListeningButNotHearing · 01/12/2022 22:17

Yes, you are a Wendy.

In life it’s not necessarily what you do, it’s how you do it.

Out of respect, you really should have invited friend A (despite her living 2 hours away).

I’d bet my bottom dollar your next predicable Wendy step will be to get friend B on your side by stirring it up because you’re so upset and you’ve been So hard done by.

Whowahway123 · 01/12/2022 22:23

Side note, why is it ok to use terms like ‘being a Wendy’ when it is frowned upon to say ‘being a Karen’ ?

Quiegal · 02/12/2022 05:20

She feeling jealous you got to her friend and feeling left out. She seeing the two of you get closer.

You haven't done anything wrong here.

Quiegal · 02/12/2022 05:26

ListeningButNotHearing · 01/12/2022 22:17

Yes, you are a Wendy.

In life it’s not necessarily what you do, it’s how you do it.

Out of respect, you really should have invited friend A (despite her living 2 hours away).

I’d bet my bottom dollar your next predicable Wendy step will be to get friend B on your side by stirring it up because you’re so upset and you’ve been So hard done by.

@KatherineClifton7

This is ridiculous she met a new friend through a friend and they click. The other person feeling the outsider and now it will seem they both talking about her when they just have a new fresh friendship. Unfortunately the other person lives far away. Maybe they didn't intentionally leave her out just didn't think she be able to meet because of distance.

She apologized that friend A need to grow up.

PatchworkElmer · 02/12/2022 05:28

I would’ve invited friend A.

2pinkginsplease · 02/12/2022 05:31

Friend A sounds like one of my mums friends, who mumps and moans when my mum meets up with other friends, I told my mum to go out with friends and ignore, she has and the moaning continues but isn’t as bad.

they are in their 70’s!

daretodenim · 02/12/2022 05:32

Has Friend B also been subject to this tirade?

You were invited on a trip with them (and others?), spent 6 days together, live 10 mins away and have had last minute meet-ups? And Friend A comes to your town without meeting up with you/letting you know. I don't think this is "W-ing" because you had 6 days together. It's not like you met at dinner at friend A's house.

However if you want to keep friend A as a friend (questionable) then I'd carry on as you were with Friend B and message Friend A every single time you meet up inviting her. "Going to pub with Friend B in half an hour for a quick one. Would be great if you could join You coming?" I mean it's hard to write anything without it sounding ridiculous isn't it? But if there's some way you can make her feel it's not behind her back (and highlight the ridiculousness tactfully) it may be worth it. She's obviously insecure about something here - maybe she's had a bad experience in the past, because her reaction is disproportionate to this situation.

KangarooKenny · 02/12/2022 06:23

Why are you using another female name in a negative context ? Time to stop this.

Jojoanna · 02/12/2022 09:12

KangarooKenny · 02/12/2022 06:23

Why are you using another female name in a negative context ? Time to stop this.

Agreed!

darisdet · 02/12/2022 11:12

KangarooKenny · 02/12/2022 06:23

Why are you using another female name in a negative context ? Time to stop this.

I wonder if you might have a point actually.

You do know what sort of friend situation someone is referring to when they mention being 'wendied' here though.

I'd thought it was fine as it's something that originated on Mumsnet, coming up to 10 years ago and I've never heard it anywhere other than here. Rather than use their names I remember OP said 'let's call her Wendy' I can't remember the names she used for herself and the other friend.

fuchsteufelswild · 02/12/2022 20:48

SlouchingTowardsBethlehemAgain · 01/12/2022 19:34

I would have invited A. Over time the other friendship might develop separately but to blow poor A off soon after you have met the new friend is thoughtless. It does not hurt to include people sometimes, even if you are very caught up in the new friendship.

Agreed. Picture yourself in A's shoes.

Since she lives far away she wouldn't be able to come all the time anyway.

Wakk · 02/12/2022 20:55

Yes you are

MeowwandAnder · 03/12/2022 07:08

@KatherineClifton7

No - you’re not. It’s completely ridiculous!!! I mean what law where says who you can/can’t meet?? Deliberately leaving a friend out is one thing, but just meeting up because you live close by is just that. I see it with my teenage daughter - the dynamics of a friend group, the control, the dictating who she can/can’t speak to. I’ve told her to ignore it, maintain positive relationships with a range of people - and just give a bright, positive response if anyone tries to control who she chats to at lunchtime.

I think the control from your friend comes from a place of vulnerability. I guess she needs to understand that you are not going to exclude her - and there is no reason you can’t see each other separately or as a group. I’d just answer back any negative with a positive. But you have done nothing wrong.

allboysherebutme · 03/12/2022 08:31

She is wrong you can be friends with who you like, also it's only natural you will see more of her if she lives closer, tell your friend A to grow up x

napody · 03/12/2022 08:47

A Wendy is not someone who meets a friend one to one from time to time! Surely everyone does this... the person who knew them first doesn't get eternal 'first dibs'! It's someone who moves into a friendship group and excludes the person who first introduced them. I'm not sure how you can really sort the situation if she has reacted like that after your apology. You'll have to leave it as a breezy 'that wasn't my intention, happy to get together all of us sometime soon, I'll leave it with you'.

napody · 03/12/2022 08:51

Whowahway123 · 01/12/2022 22:23

Side note, why is it ok to use terms like ‘being a Wendy’ when it is frowned upon to say ‘being a Karen’ ?

Fair point! I guess a rarer name in a much more specific situation would be the difference though. The problem with Karen for me wasn't so much the original narrow use (race related) it was it then being applied to mean any woman over the age of 30 having an opinion on anything!

pollutemymind · 03/12/2022 09:30

I would have invited friend A and say "I'm meeting up with friend B, please come as well". Since she lives 2 hours away and not possible, this would have been a polite invitation and an acknowledgment of "Hey I know she is your friend but she lives next to me so I'm informing you that I'm meeting her and haven't sidelined you".

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