Troubles with sex, partner not staying hard or initiating sex

[kittykat818]

Myself (24f) and my partner (24m) have been together for about 5 years, during those years we have gone through some ups and downs but I can honestly we both truly and deeply care for one another. Since our relationship began I have suffered a lot with recurrent thrush and this has been really difficult for us both but our sex life has always remained very good (abstaining when we need to of course for treatment). This last year I have been trying to get the bottom of why I have this problem as it has been impacting me for many years both physically and mentally, I was on a really strict diet which meant we had to stay in lots and I was having lots of very down days. Around 6 months ago me and my partner realised he was struggling to stay hard and finish during sex (this had never been a problem before) and that sex was happening a lot less often. He explained that he felt like he was thinking a lot about not wanting to spread the thrush or worsen things for me and it was making him overthink and question when to initiate sex and be able to not let his mind wonder when we did have sex. I had around 4 months with no symptoms and we still had very little sex and I brought it up a few times that when we were having sex he still wasn't able to stay hard - he explained that it was because he was now overthinking not being able to stay hard! We tried to have sex again last night and again it lasted only a few minutes before he went down again, he immediately began crying explaining he doesn't understand why this keeps happening and he is worried it wont go away. We had a long conversation about both loving each other and caring for one another more than we have for anyone else but also acknowledging this shouldn't be a problem at our age. He shared that he sometimes worries that we have become more like best friends (as we now missing the sexual part of the relationship) but explained he still finds me incredibly attractive but its as if a wall is up. I feel so lost, embarrassed and upset and I don't know how to help the situation. Has anyone dealt with anything similar?

@curlymacv Not tmi at all! It is really reassuring to hear that others have gone through it and made it out the other end! Thank you!

Not sure if any other people on this thread are men but here are a few thoughts from the other gender....

This sounds very much like performance anxiety - I think most guys get that at some time in their lives. I've certainly had it. It can lead to the symptoms you describe and also to PE. You should try avoiding all sexual contact or activity, including masturbation and even any talk of sex for at least two weeks. Then move slowly without putting pressure on him - start with a few kisses and cuddles. A man in his 20s would normally be climbing the wall by this stage and his desperation should overcome his nervousness.

I would not recommend Viagra - he is far too young to have any of the medical conditions it is designed for and as others have said it will increase the pressure on him and could induce psychological dependence. I would feel humiliated if my DW suggested I needed viagra and I'm a lot older than you.

You could also try letting him pleasure you even if he is not aroused himself - if he knows he can sort you out he will probably put less pressure on himself and the act of arousing a partner is in itself a powerful sexual stimulant and ego booster.

It sounds like you have talked A LOT about thrush and it has done what other words seldom do - penetrated into his head. You should take sex off the table bar cuddling and touching until the thrush is completely gone and you have a clean bill of health then spend as long speaking about how wonderful it is to be free of it as you did wondering about all the ways it was bad for both of you....

also agree with this, sounds a bit like performance anxiety - which is a self fulfilling prophecy, the more you worry about losing your erection the more likes it will happen, which makes things worse the next time and so on.

as others suggest, take PIV off the table for a while.
Try Lloyds Pharmacy for the meds ( all online) just a safety net really

onlinedoctor.lloydspharmacy.com/uk/erectile-dysfunction

maybe think about using condoms for a while if he is worried about getting balanitis

Good luck

@Anothernick Yeah I think it is about performance and the worry that it's going to happen again rather than him not being attracted to me anymore... well I hope. He is going away to see family in New Zealand for Christmas so we wont see each other for three weeks and I am hoping when he returns things might feel a bit fresher. I was wondering if the Viagra could help him just get back into the swing of things but I wont suggest it just yet I don't think. Thanks for a male perspective!

@CannibalQueen I've had thrush pretty much on and off since we met so it's an ongoing thing it's just this year I decided to try stop being reliant on medication constantly so it has been a much bigger issue. I think it may be a while till I complexly feel fine and free of it. If it wasn't for the thrush I don't think this would have ever been an issue!

Three weeks apart would be a good test. If we are apart that long we'd jump at each other as soon as we met - it would be straight to bed even if it wasn't bedtime.😆

@Anothernick Ordinarily so would we! In 5 years we have never struggled with any hesitation I am more just worried he will still be in his head about it all and if after all the time he still can't 'perform' that will be the last straw.