Troubles with sex, partner not staying hard or initiating sex

[kittykat818]

Myself (24f) and my partner (24m) have been together for about 5 years, during those years we have gone through some ups and downs but I can honestly we both truly and deeply care for one another. Since our relationship began I have suffered a lot with recurrent thrush and this has been really difficult for us both but our sex life has always remained very good (abstaining when we need to of course for treatment). This last year I have been trying to get the bottom of why I have this problem as it has been impacting me for many years both physically and mentally, I was on a really strict diet which meant we had to stay in lots and I was having lots of very down days. Around 6 months ago me and my partner realised he was struggling to stay hard and finish during sex (this had never been a problem before) and that sex was happening a lot less often. He explained that he felt like he was thinking a lot about not wanting to spread the thrush or worsen things for me and it was making him overthink and question when to initiate sex and be able to not let his mind wonder when we did have sex. I had around 4 months with no symptoms and we still had very little sex and I brought it up a few times that when we were having sex he still wasn't able to stay hard - he explained that it was because he was now overthinking not being able to stay hard! We tried to have sex again last night and again it lasted only a few minutes before he went down again, he immediately began crying explaining he doesn't understand why this keeps happening and he is worried it wont go away. We had a long conversation about both loving each other and caring for one another more than we have for anyone else but also acknowledging this shouldn't be a problem at our age. He shared that he sometimes worries that we have become more like best friends (as we now missing the sexual part of the relationship) but explained he still finds me incredibly attractive but its as if a wall is up. I feel so lost, embarrassed and upset and I don't know how to help the situation. Has anyone dealt with anything similar?

Take sex of the cards for a bit. You're putting too much pressure on him performing. Sounds like a good guy and he fancies you. I'm sure it'll come back, but in the mean time just cuddle, hold hands and kiss.

Ah I feel for him. Tbh I think my approach would be to completely remove all pressure of erections etc off the table. Have sex, if he's hard then fab but if he isn't then just do something that doesn't require an erection. I'd try and keep the flirtation and physical contact outside the bedroom - kissing, the odd touch etc. and give it time. If it doesn't improve then maybe a trip to the docs would help as viagra may take the pressure off and break the pattern?

Obviously he should get checked to make sure it isn't a physical problem, and I'm assuming he can maintain an erection and orgasm by himself?

He should see his GP or just buy pills over the counter. Once your sex life is back on track, he will probably find he doesn't need the pills anymore. I'm assuming it's purely psychological, if it's a physical problem then he'll need to see a GP.

@Notaboutthebass I've tried not to put pressure on him at all in the last few months, I've tried to go at his level and haven't been brining it up at all. He brought it up last time and I tried to reassure him that I don't want him to feel like there's any pressure from me, that's the last thing I would want to do

@OrlandointheWilderness I really feel for him too, I know this is out of his control. I have explained the sex is still enjoyable even if he is not rock hard and I just like being with him but he gets super frustrated with himself and upset. He can 'perform' when he is alone he's told me but has never been a huge fan of masturbation but explains he doesn't feel the pressure then. The only other time we have had this problem is during exam or family stress but this has gone on quite a while now. I think I am going to suggest Viagra but I don't want to make him feel worse, I am trying to approach it all sensitively and not let my own feelings about myself influence how I approach it.

@Manonymous I think it is 10000% psychological and I am hoping he will agree to try something like viagra to break the pattern

Yes, hopefully he will agree to trying it. He can't help having ED but if you approach him about it in a sensitive way then he needs to man up and do something about it. If he's not even willing to try, then it may indicate a deeper relationship problem.

Bear in mind that he'll find it very embarrassing, and it may make him feel like less of a man. It's unlikely he'll want to go to the GP. Offer to buy them for him so it's less embarrassing. It's tempting to say that you could pop to the chemist in advance, but he could be offended by that so it may backfire.

It sounds like your thrush cleared up when the sex stopped? Maybe you're allergic to latex. Or
..him?

Also, not very sexy to think you could be causing your partner harm when you sleep with thrm so I can understand why he isn't into it. I'd be worried if he was.

He's got into his own head about it and now it's creating a vicious circle of anxiety.

This article would be a good read for both of you:
medium.com/@ChrisDonaghue/its-no-dysfunction-your-penis-is-fine-understanding-erectile-disappointment-a5fcfdbdcc79

I went through something similar with my a partner who developed a problem after my 15yo DS came bursting into the bedroom one morning when we were having sex. After that every time we were in bed, he'd be hard until the moment of penetration, then he'd lost it.

I solved it by leaping on him without warning during sex, this meant he didn't have time to think "Oh no, what if I lose it?... Oh no, I'm losing it!" and it broke the cycle after a few times.

(If you use condoms this method won't work but I'm guessing you've cut out condoms as part of thrush avoidance)

Just a thought, are you sure it's thrush? I mean, have to done an sti test? Now he seems like a nice chap but it's not unheard of for people to cheat and then give their partners sti and then realise and feel guilty so not be able to have sex with them anymore. Or want to incase they re-catch it when they've already had treatment but obviously you haven't as they couldn't tell you.

Hope its not that but, couldn't harm to run a test.

@Manonymous The tricky thing is early on in our relationship we faced a lot of problems but the last three years have been fab and we get on very well, laugh everyday and get on extremely well with each others family and friends but my health has gotten in the way. I've driven back to my parents and going to stay here tonight and we are going to meet tomorrow to chat so I am going to suggest Viagra as sensitively as I can. My deep down worry is that after 5 years he may just be bored of me but he has assured me there's been many times in recent months when has looked at me and wanted to be intimate but feels that he knows it wont be worth trying because he wont be able to finish or make it worth my while

@Pinkbonbon I thought this for many years as my problem with thrush only began once I met him and became sexually active but we have figured out through trial and error that I get symptoms when whether we have sex or not, we were having sex during the four months where I wasn't getting symptoms but just not very regularly and there's been months when we've not had sex at all and I still get symptoms. I get the symptoms just after ovulation and just before my period every month at the same time so I think its a 'me' issue rather than something he is doing!

@EvenMoreFuriousVexation Yes I would agree that seems to be the case! Thanks for the article, I will defo give it a read! I think the pressure build up definitely gets to him as when we have been on holiday a couple of times recently he hasn't seemed to have struggled strangely so I think it is associated with our new flat and memories of it not working going round in his head. No condoms for us, we did try them to see if it might be a reaction I was having to him causing the the thrush but it didn't make any difference!

@Pinkbonbon We've both gone and done countless STI checks hoping it could be an easy answer but we are both clear! He also gets signs of the male thrush (balanitis) if we accidently have sex before I have realised my symptoms developing

You'll just have to trust your gut in terms of approach, you know him best. A lot of men won't bother to do anything about their own health but if their wife is upset or asking for help then they'll step up, so hopefully that's what he'll do. The pills help with libido as well as ED so that's another incentive for him to try them.

My local pharmacist is totally unsympathatic and tactless, so it's best if you offer to buy them then he's no excuse about being embarrassed. My wife buys mine 🙄Hopefully he'll see it as a fun thing to try and spice things up.

My local pharmacist is totally unsympathatic and tactless, so it's best if you offer to buy them then he's no excuse about being embarrassed. My wife buys mine 🙄Hopefully he'll see it as a fun thing to try and spice things up

Because it doesn’t matter if a woman is embarrassed by a rude pharmacist?! Come on mate, women already have to buy all sorts of ‘embarrassing’ things!!

Wow.

@Manonymous Thanks, is yours a longer term issue or did you just have to use it a few times to try and get things back on track?

I wouldn't suggest viagra, it'll just put more pressure on him.

@Newwardrobe Really, why would you say that? I can't think how else to break the cycle or what to suggest?

My issue is different. In your partners case I'd say try viagra to get back on track. sildenafil (Viagra) is good for weekends away or "a single man's lifestyle" as my doctor says. If the problem persists he'd be better of moving to tadalafil (Cialis) which is recommended for men in long term relationships.

@Manonymous Thanks!

I just think if I were him, I'd think that you wanted sex (which is normal) and wanted a quick fix .

I have faced something sort of like this before, but just because the guy was nervous. Personally, I found it really useful to opt out of penetrative sex for a bit and -sorry, details - really focus on him with hands, mouth, etc. Obviously can be reciprocal. I made it playful rather than trying to "get to a destination", if you catch my drift. It seemed to take the pressure off, and soon everything was fine - I made sure never to really react if he lost it, just switch to doing something else. Sorry if this was tmi!

@Newwardrobe Yeah I understand that, I may just bring up that others have used it but not that I would want him to try! I actually can deal with not having sex and haven't been mentioning recently. I think he wants to have sex but there's lots of tension around it and he feels nervous