Confided in my mum and she throws it back in my face over a year later, please help me manage this

[Tpob]

when my dc was a month old, my partner left us. Dc is now 18 months. Ex partner was awful, refused to pay maintenance until I applied, wouldn’t speak or see dc etc etc. I was totally torn apart. When it all happened I confided in my family about what happened in the lead up to the separation, in desperation. I was totally candid about my own behaviour and actions which included shouting and swearing at ex and sending him unkind messages such as telling him he was a shit partner etc during my pregnancy and so on. My friends have always said they would have felt similarly aggrieved by his behaviour and I felt supported… whilst I know I was not perfect, neither was he and much of my lashing out was in response to him treating me differently in my pregnancy than before I was pregnant. What I’m trying to say is I beat myself up a lot over it all but in time learned that it takes two and he was very much to blame for what happened and more importantly has behaved in an awful way since towards dc.

getting to the point… my family (mum) now uses this against me whenever she is cross or we have a falling out or any friction. For instance I snapped and swore at her recently and she immediately said ‘this is why he left you isn’t it, your nasty tongue.’ She will reference him and the breakdown of the relationship, the specifics of my failings that I confided in her, whenever she and I have any disagreement. I find it incredibly triggering as my mental health is poor and I have a huge tendency to blame myself for anything I can in life. I’ve spent the last three days going over how I spoke to ex to understand if I was to blame. It’s not got anything to do with wanting him back, I don’t, but I seem to soak up guilt at any opportunity and once again I am now battling with what happened all that time ago and going over whether i was as awful as my mum said and whether I did actually deserve how he went on to treat me and dc (ie with maintenance and refusing to see dc etc).

I am finding it hard to have a relationship with my mum when she keeps bringing my broken relationship up. Why does she do this? Does everyone think this about me and not say? I am fragile at the moment please be kind (but honest).

You need to learn to walk away. I’d never swear at my parents, I’d not let it get to that.

She sounds really nasty, has she always made barbed comments to you or is this a new thing since you broke up?

Perhaps she's often been like this but you're more sensitive to noticing it now that your mental health isn't in the best place.

Its not nice of your mum to do this to you. If you snapped it's because he was being abusive when you were in a vulnerable state.
There is no way its your fault you had to force him
to pay child support - any decent dad would want to support their child irrespective of the relationship with the child’s mother.

If your mother cant see that then thats her problem not yours.

Can you reduce contact or work on saying something like - its really not fair to bring up what I said about x every time we fall out. He had to be forced to pay to support dc your grand child thats hardly the sign of a devoted partner or father.

@growgrowinggrown she has done similar things before. She once made up something my brother had apparently said about me but she didn’t realise he was in earshot and he stormed in and said it was a lie.

she can be a great mum and very supportive but her raising the failings of my relationship brings me to breaking point as I already blame myself for dc not having their dad around and she knows this. My friends have always said he was to blame for his behaviour in pregnancy, and my mum will say the same usually, but when she’s angry she basically tells me I am the reason he left.

If anyone has a 'nasty tongue' it's your mum OP, I think it shows a real spiteful streak to use things you told her in confidence against you like that and I would be distancing myself, especially at the moment while your MH is fragile. Do you have other support?

I don't think she is a great or supportive mum. I'd agree with others to take a step away and create some boundaries, and don't rise to any comments. "My relationship is not up for discussion". You need to stand up for yourself in a calm way here and if she doesn't hear you then there needs to be consequences like you see her less or don't discuss personal things with her.

Reply 'we all have our failings don't we Mum' accompanied by a Paddington stare.

I have a huge tendency to blame myself for anything I can in life
I'm not surprised, with a mother like that! That was horrible of her to say to you. I would keep her at arm's length for as long as your mental health and confidence need it. If not for yourself (eg. in moment of feeling too guilty), do it for your DC, who will benefit from a confident mum as a role model- it can break a generational cycle.

She is a horrible woman. My mother used to say similar to me at times when I really needed support. We have moved through that now but honestly you need distance from that spitefulness and lack of love.

I have to ask... How often are you falling out with your Mom, shouting and swearing at her for her to retaliate with this, that it's actually has become a thing she does rather than a one off?

Says it all really

@Acheyknees @BabyYoZenZen @Berthatydfil @Charlieiscool @dollyblack

sorru not sure I have tagged everyone, it’s been two years since my last post and I seem to have lost technology knowledge with age!!

thanks a lot for the replies. I agree with the poster who says I shouldn’t tell her personal stuff. I so so wish I hadn’t because literally any time she is unhappy with me or we’ve had a row or I’ve said something I shouldn’t, she will immediately say that’s why my relationship ended. She will say ‘oh is this what you did to x’ and ‘no wonder you don’t have a relationship.’ It takes me days sometimes to mentally feel stronger again as I’m consumed with guilt about the past and I forget all ex’s failings and just see mine in this big neon light.

I want to be a good mum and I’m not when feeling like this, I’m mentally exhausted from analysing it all over again.

@SleepingStandingUp we have a tricky background so our relationship is fractious. She is very keen to be involved with my dc and has many many lovely points. But she has always broken my self esteem. When ex walked out her first words were ‘well you’re not likely to be the sort of woman to cope are you.’ So I guess there’s an undercurrent all the time of anxiety around her. I can be verbally aggressive to her and on this occasion I said she needed to F off as I couldn’t cope with her anymore. I apologised and I mean it. She is the only person, literally, in my life, that makes me feel this way.

The phrase feel free to follow his example would be falling out of my mouth im afraid

The thing is she is right I shouldn’t swear at her and shouldn’t have at him. No matter what he did, me swearing doesn’t suddenly become ok does it. I’m exhausted.

Just taking a slightly difference slant on this: she threw it back in your face because you gave her the ammunition to do so. You lost your cool with her, and swore at her. So she was then able to say : see, your nasty tongue. Don't let her do that to you again. Be cleverer, when she starts to nark you. Use your skills to walk away, or say something clever and cutting to her. But don't swear, because then you lose your edge.

If someone treats you like shit then shouting qnd swearing at them is perfectly understandable.

As for your mum. 'Don't EVER throw my relationship in my face like that again. I mean it. If you do, we are over'. And mean it.

Perhaps the reason you had such a shit ex is that you were conditioned to tolerating bastards due to being brought up by your mum. Infact, next time she brings up your ex in an argument, I'd be tempted to say that to her. Maybe with 'but not anymore, asshole' added on.

Perhaps the reason you had such a shit ex is that you were conditioned to tolerating bastards due to being brought up by your mum.

⬆️ This OP

She’s a fucking bitch. Your ex has behaved abominably and yet she turns it onto you. What a fucking horror. No wonder your mental health is shot. And no wonder you chose a partner who treated you badly - just the way she has.

That’s interesting that she makes things up too, to play you off against your brother. I’d explore narcissism in mothers, OP. I think you might find it illuminating.

Next time she says that about your nasty tongue , reply well apples don't fall far from the trees! With people like that you've to stand your ground.

Heads up btw, if people say emotionally abusive shit to you it's normal to get angry.

Your feelings are valid.

I mean you could argue that they want you to lose your cool and ve upset, so you shouldn't. You should just leave the room etc..

But tbh if your mum said that stuff once to you it would be unforgiveable. Amd she has said it regularly. The best course of action would be to walk away from this toxic relationship perminantly.

Give her one warning. If she continues the behaviour. End the relationship. Abusers dont belong around you or your kids.

@Pinkbonbon @Oblomov22 @HugHeart i agree with you, just also know fundamentally that swearing/name calling when lashing out isn’t ok is it and I still did it regardless of context. Urgh I hate myself sometimes.

Keep her at arms length, don't trust her, don't confide in her, she does not have your back, anything you tell her will be used against you as and when she feels like it.
She lacks the sophistication and self-awareness to understand why shes in the wrong, confronting her or trying to explain yourself to her it's likely to be extremely frustrating and counterproductive.
I would from now on keep the relationship superficial, just humour her and don't talk to her about anything that's important to you. It's very disappointing and upsetting but she isn't able to be the mother that you need and want her to be.

It’s a good way of shutting you down. My mum is like this….she tries to control everyone’s relationships by influencing how we feel about each other. Sometimes, instead of directly saying something negative, she will say that someone else said it, and she’s so useless socially that she doesn’t understand that she’s destroying the relationship.

Your mum is too immature to realise that in saying these things to you, although she’s ‘winning’ the argument, she’s building resentment and causing you to hate her. Read the book ‘Adult children of Emotionally Immature Parents’.

It’s almost more difficult when they’re so lovely in some ways but then totally wreck your self-esteem. It’s so confusing.

@Pinkbonbon its so hard as she isn’t a bad woman, she’s had her own challenges in life. I don’t think she wants to be unkind I think my words upset her. I just wish so much I hadn’t shared my vulnerability with her.