Confided in my mum and she throws it back in my face over a year later, please help me manage this

[Tpob]

when my dc was a month old, my partner left us. Dc is now 18 months. Ex partner was awful, refused to pay maintenance until I applied, wouldn’t speak or see dc etc etc. I was totally torn apart. When it all happened I confided in my family about what happened in the lead up to the separation, in desperation. I was totally candid about my own behaviour and actions which included shouting and swearing at ex and sending him unkind messages such as telling him he was a shit partner etc during my pregnancy and so on. My friends have always said they would have felt similarly aggrieved by his behaviour and I felt supported… whilst I know I was not perfect, neither was he and much of my lashing out was in response to him treating me differently in my pregnancy than before I was pregnant. What I’m trying to say is I beat myself up a lot over it all but in time learned that it takes two and he was very much to blame for what happened and more importantly has behaved in an awful way since towards dc.

getting to the point… my family (mum) now uses this against me whenever she is cross or we have a falling out or any friction. For instance I snapped and swore at her recently and she immediately said ‘this is why he left you isn’t it, your nasty tongue.’ She will reference him and the breakdown of the relationship, the specifics of my failings that I confided in her, whenever she and I have any disagreement. I find it incredibly triggering as my mental health is poor and I have a huge tendency to blame myself for anything I can in life. I’ve spent the last three days going over how I spoke to ex to understand if I was to blame. It’s not got anything to do with wanting him back, I don’t, but I seem to soak up guilt at any opportunity and once again I am now battling with what happened all that time ago and going over whether i was as awful as my mum said and whether I did actually deserve how he went on to treat me and dc (ie with maintenance and refusing to see dc etc).

I am finding it hard to have a relationship with my mum when she keeps bringing my broken relationship up. Why does she do this? Does everyone think this about me and not say? I am fragile at the moment please be kind (but honest).

Look, anyone who throws your relationship and trust back in your face like that is NOT a nice woman op. Normal people have empathy and don't behave like that.

That being said, if it's a case of her asking you to put the bins out and then you lose your shit and start calling her names and THEN she says it because its thr only thing that gets you to stop then that would change things.

I'm assuming that's not the case though.

"Its so hard as she isn’t a bad woman, she’s had her own challenges in life".

Denial is a powerful force.

Many, many people have faced challenges, you included and you do not act like your mother has done to your children. The above is no excuse nor justification for her actions. Many people have crap childhoods and also do not act like your mother has done here. I would actually think your mother and your ex are cut from the same cloth; they are certainly both abusive. Such people too never apologise nor accept any responsibility for their actions.

And she does want to be unkind; she wants you to be the scapegoat for all her emotional ills. Do keep your kids and your own self well away from her going forward. She is toxic and emotionally unhealthy; being around her causes you emotional distress. You would not tolerate this from a friend and your mother is no different.

With my parents as I get older although I still have anger and resentment I also think that in many ways they couldn't help it, they were from a bygone age where we didn't understand things in the way that we do now.
They fuck you up your mum and dad they might not mean to but they do ☹️

Might be worth considering whether or not you made the same excuses for your ex/other nasty folk that have been in your life throughout the years. 'Oh they've had it hard', 'oh they can be lovely...sometimes'. These are just things we tell ourselves to help us excuse rotten behaviour from people. Not because we love them, but because it would hurt too much to recognise that thry are incapable of reciprocating that love and care for us.

I have noticed that as people get older their ability to empathize appears to wane, they increasingly become unable to take other people's problems seriously, I think it's partly that as we age some of us don't have the cognitive capacity to keep as many plates spinning and we only are able to focus on our own needs.

Thanks for all the helpful posts, I’ve read them all carefully. I feel less alone just by posting. My closest friend said she would always tell me if she should I was to blame in any situation, she thinks my ex was terrible to me and my reactions were understandable. She’s my friend though and I guess would instinctively be on my side.

I used to be terrible for making excuses for other people's behaviour, and if I could blame myself in some way then all the better! I think it is because if it is my fault I can change it (so have more control), it is also easier to think of the other person as being loving and caring and it's just circumstances/a bad day/stress/me that make them say or do things that are nasty.

What did you do wrong the time she lied about something your brither said - how is that your responsibility? Sounds like my DM, she was the queen of triangulation between me and my siblings.

I wouldn’t know you from Adam and I know his behaviour was inexcusable and for your own mother to put that on you is really really disgusting.

@Chuntypops thanks for posting. My mum was referring to the arguments I told her about in pregnancy so a while before he actually left. I got really, drastically upset and said some shit things to him. He became like a different person and I felt very alone. No excuse for swearing though I guess.