Single people are the unwanted ones VS staying/leaving a miserable relationship

[justponderingthis]

So I've been pondering this. I've seen it mentioned on here a lot, and a single friend said it to me tonight. When you're single, the people you're trying to date are 'usually the ones people don't want' or 'people with issues which is why they stay single'

And they also say that the good people will have been snapped up and won't be single because they have a lot to offer etc.

But in the same logic when someone is in a relationship that's no longer working for them, the advice is always to leave, and that you won't be alone forever if you don't want to be - you'll meet someone who is better for you than this current partner etc.

But if the above is to be believed, you're going to be meeting the people who aren't a catch etc.. and therefore why would you feel confident you'd end up in a happier relationship in the long run?

And I don't mean for people who are happy to stay single. But if most singletons are as low quality as is often suggested, surely if you find a higher quality one they're more likely to be already attached. Probably why so many only leave once they have another lined up.

I have seen this,
People telling someone to leave a relationship and find someone who will treat them better (usually the women has children) then on another thread telling a single mum no one will want her now and “the cream of the crop don’t want single mums” (someone actually said that to me on here) and that I would probably only attract abusive men now as a single mum 😒 yet go on another thread and tell someone to find a man that will treat them better

I disagree. Single people often have very strong boundaries and rightly, choosy. Also , fiercely independent. Being single means you have not met anyone that ticks your boxes. Being single means you actually like being single and the associated freedom's it affords you.

Those recently divorced may have found boundaries and confidence later in their lives. They may also have found themselves in miserable marriages so, had the courage to leave. Brave to do that. I have the upmost respect for anyone who has left an unhappy marriage, in fact i respect them more for doing so. I am one!

We are all on a learning journey. I have been single now by choice , as i like my freedoms. I am divorced now as i married the wrong person and settled. I enjoy being so single. I also did as a younger woman . Wished i had actually stayed single. . Being single has allowed me to per-sure my current relationship. Will it last ? Who knows. Do i want it to? Not sure. Do i consider my self single/free ? Yes.

I have my own financial freedoms and have done so since the age of 24. I brought a lot financially, into my marriage that ; i had worked hard for. I lost a lot of it of post divorce to someone who had nothing when we married. I have financially rebuilt myself again to where i am now. So yes, being single is the best financial protection.

I am a financially stable homeowner, and without meaning to sound arrogant , physically attractive and get attention daily woman. I am single as i CHOOSE to be so. I am not left on any shelf, nor am i slim pickings.

You would have to be some kind of big wow to get anywhere near me for a lifetime!

Men not "daily woman" . Typo.

I disagree. It’s not the exact same people saying both things. There are people who believe people deserve better and have a positive outlook that there are decent people out there. Then there are negative people who have maybe had bad experiences who genuinely think there is no one decent around. It all depends on your outlook on life. Studies show that if you’ve had one happy marriage/relationship you are more likely to find another good relationship. Part of this is a self fulfilling prophecy- if you believe everyone is shit then that’s what you’ll find (confirmation bias). That’s not to say you won’t meet dickheads as they are always out there. But having healthy boundaries and walking away from men who exhibit red flags will definitely help. If the situation was really that depressing no one would ever meet anyone and clearly, they do.

For me, you should leave for yourself, not to trade up.
I'm happier alone and wouldn't want anything full time serious.
If someone is in their, say, 30s though ..chances are they will meet someone.

My personal philosophy is that women leave men, and only when they are really awful. So the divorced men out there are the ones who were so terrible they got thrown back.
Occasionally there's a man who left a terrible woman, but usually men stay. So the terrible women are still married.

So that leaves terrible men and women with high standards on Tinder. No wonder it's carnage out there!

The only certainty is that while you stay in a miserable relationship you stay miserable. You could be happier as a single person and you might well meet a good partner in time, but if you don't leave the bad relationship you will never get to experience either.

Look how many 2nd marriages or serious relationships happen. It's not rare is it? Many single people will have had previous relationships that ended for a multitude of reasons, not because they are unwanted unlikeable people! So while no-one can promise you that you will meet a new partner, the odds are you will.

I see this quite a bit “all the good ones are taken”

im not taken so what the heck does that mean? It’s, totally just give up because you and the rest of the poor single saps are a waste.

i Think many people stay in shit relationships because being single genuinely scares them. They’re so used to being a “pair” that the idea of being “one” is really unsettling.

So while no-one can promise you that you will meet a new partner, the odds are you will

Not so sure about it. The dating pool for women does reduce with age as men typically date in a wider (aka lower) age range.

Imo, the definition of "good catch" is someone who has a secure attachment, has treated Ex's well and can handle adult responsibilities- such as a job, house, finances etc.

However I also agree with CallmeCath, many women chose a single life and are not looking for a new partner.

I guess there are plenty who do stay in unhappy relationships. This happens regularly enough.

But in a lot of cases, when it is clear that the relationship isn’t working and will not get better an individual would likely be better off taking the risk of moving on, even in the knowledge it might take a while to find someone that they would want to be with.

Or for those who really cannot bear to be single I guess they have the option of compromising on their standards in the next relationship, to get together with someone quickly, if that was more appealing to them than being on their own.

I always found this a tough one to process... I'm not dating at the minute but when/if I do, I hope I'd not be categorised as not being dateable

I left my husband and have had to process a tonne of trauma and do a fair bit of work on myself, felt it wouldn't be fair to get into a relationship.

My ex on the other hand got with his partner about a year after he moved out. He's fundamentally not a good person and is definitely not a catch.

I think there's something about energies and attracting what we put out. I'm certainly a far better person now than I was 5 years ago; but will a man even appreciate that?

Blows my brain because I don't want to date with a defeatist attitude but maybe I'm missing something about myself and I am unappealing because I remained single.

Anyone can grow apart, fall out of love, get the ick doesn't mean there's something wrong with them. Some have affairs, take partners for granted which Is why other relationships fail.
I think those that stay in unhappy relationships especially if they have been together for years, do so because of the fear of not finding anyone else. It takes a lot of confidence to go on your own. I know a few friends who have done it and some have found love with much more suitable partners and others stayed on their own but what they have in common is that they are all are really happy. I don't know of any that regret their choices.

Totally agree

many many men are so uninteresting
like genuinely nothing going on apart from “banter”

Biggest cliche ever - "all the good ones are taken".

Life doesn't work like that. People fall out of love, meet the wrong person early on, meet the right person later on, move away etc etc.

Of course there are great people out there who are still single, in the same way that there are not-so-great people who are in relationships.

If you're miserable with your partner, leave. If you stay, you are certain to be miserable. If you leave, you get to re-build your life and become a happier and better person for YOU. And if you meet someone along the way, great.

My post got deleted but my sentiment is true.

You are right ‘banter’ and basic manners are seen as being ‘a good’un’.ffs.

This thread is so interesting to me (though I'm waiting for the Icels and the mansplainers to come on here and try and derail the discussion at which point I stop reading).

I divorced my mediocre ex (although I can see why some might consider him a catch) a few years ago and have only dated in the last year a few guys I meet OLD so I'm not an expert.

I will say that I had no idea when I left my marriage that dating would be so demanding and stressful, even though I've had mostly good experiences. It's a difficult thing to try and build intimacy when you have been through lots of life experiences.

I'm a very optimistic person, I'm so happy I am now not-married, I love my freedom and I'm finally financially secure, but I would also love to find love.
I just am not sure I am willing to put the time and energy into OLD to try and find that one man that might turn into someone to care about and who would care about me. Optimistic as I am about my future, I just don't know if that's going to happen for me.
I do assume that 99.9% of guys OLD aren't worth my time, but maybe I do need to change that mindset as actually the few I have met have been nice (just not for me)

a single friend said it to me tonight. When you're single, the people you're trying to date are 'usually the ones people don't want' or 'people with issues which is why they stay single'

Well, it might be the case that your friend has issues. The only issues I have are very high standards, cherishing my independence and I'm choosy. Plus I'm far happier single than I was being married.

As for 'the good ones are taken' - you've only to look at my ex and the OW to see that some of the shitty ones are, as well.

It’s total bullshit

im single and I’m a great catch

I think nice, stable men are a needle in a haystack so snapped up quickly. Whereas there are plenty of decent women so men have their choice. All my male friends are pretty average to look, jobs that are pretty boring at best but pays the bills but met partners very quickly OLD. All my female friends, attractive and successful but no luck.

I don't agree with the the cliche. Of course 'all the good ones' aren't taken. They might have just not wanted a serious realtionship before now, or didn't find the right person yet, or were widowed, or have been in a long term relationship that has ended and they aren't yet ready to date again.

I found my 'right' person in my middle age. We are perfect for each other. Neither of us were currently taken when we got together!

Also, even if the cliche was true, I'd still rather be single than in a bad relationship.

Suggesting that those in relationships are a catch is clearly BS, we all know at least one utter idiot that's currently in a relationship.

Suggesting that those who are single must be the leftover crap is also unreasonable, and likely quite hurtful to some (myself included if I'm honest). Plenty of people are single through choice for a myriad of reasons, been hurt so much they can no longer trust, being sensible and healing, rather be on their own etc.

‘People’ aren’t a homogeneous group. There’ll be every scenario going on out there…

The decent/best potential partners don't tend to stay single for long - as soon as they get back into dating they're likely to get snapped up. They tend to be the minority amongst a big pool of long term daters. I suppose a big part of the reason for that is the transition to online dating, and the sheer amount of choice that brings. Many people then end up constantly looking for someone better than their last date, seeking perfection, when in reality perfection doesn't exist. And the person seeking it is probably a long, long way from perfect themselves.

But there are always decent people becoming single all the time, that's just nature. It's daft to just think they've all been taken, and even more daft to consider everyone who's come out of a previous relationship as being damaged/unwanted. All that leaves you with is people who've never had a previous relationship, so basically teenagers or monks!

Illogical.

Just look at the threads on here, by OP's in horrible relationships with controlling/abusive/neglectful/cheating/sexist men.

There are plenty of low quality men who are in relationships.
There are plenty of low quality men who are single.

There is no more likelihood that a single man is is going to be lower quality than an attached man. It's nonsense, peddled by people who believe that being coupled up is somehow 'higher status' than singledom.