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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

DH tantrums

33 replies

Nicknicksee · 30/11/2022 13:56

Been married for almost 20 years now. Happy otherwise and cant see myself with anyone else so ending the marriage is not an option but DH has developed such a temper over the years. I know arguments happen between couples and I can also shout back when I need to but what gets me is when he does it infront of company. It just feels so humiliating when Im put down infront of people close to us. Dont think he even realises how hurtful this can be. Any ideas on how I can get help for him regarding this. He once accepted he had anger management issues and always does realise after when hes wrong but whats the point then when youve already felt belittled. Sorry for the long post, just wanted to vent at the same time.

OP posts:
jeaux90 · 30/11/2022 14:09

Sorry OP but I wouldn't stay in a marriage where someone treats me like that. If you are asking him to stop and he won't it would be game over.

It's abusive.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 30/11/2022 14:13

Venting is all well and good but the underlying problem here i.e he remains with you.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?. Did your dad treat your mum like this too?. If you have children what are they learning about relationships from you two here?

The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none.
Do not get bogged down in your sunk costs and do not be afraid to move on with your life by ending your marriage. Indeed he won't make it at all easy for you to leave him because he regards you as his possession but you will be finally free of being abused daily.

He has done a right number on you hasn't he?. I bet a crisp fiver he does not behave like this to his work colleagues or to people in the outside world; it is for you alone his abuse is directed at. Therefore he does not have anger management problems and furthermore his apologies to you are meaningless. AM courses as well are no answer to domestic violence which is really what you are describing here.

You can only help your own self ultimately and he is beyond help. He neither wants your help or support here. What do you know about his own background, pound to a penny that was abusive as well.

Such men like described hate women and all of them.

I would think your friends look at you with pity and at him with a lot of revulsion.
They likely wonder privately why on earth you are still with your abusive H at all and why you have not left. Your reasons for staying are really no reason or basis to remain with such a man.

He knows full well what he is doing and does not care an iota about you or what you think. He sees you supposedly standing up to him as an additional challenge to bring you down.

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 30/11/2022 14:13

Any ideas on how I can get help for him regarding this

Why do you think it's your responsibility to do this?

You've told him it's hurtful. He accepts that it's hurtful. But be continues.

He likes hurting you.

AgentJohnson · 30/11/2022 14:48

You can’t ‘help’ someone who won’t help themselves.

Beyond a few half arsed apologies and a platitude many moons ago, what makes you think even cares to change?

Your H regularly abused you and every time he does it, it isn’t an accident, it is a choice l.

Leaving is always an option.

ICanHideButICantRun · 30/11/2022 14:48

Dont think he even realises how hurtful this can be.

Of course he does. That's why he does it.

What he might not realise is that the other people will think he's a complete dick and will feel sorry for you.

OP, you have one life. You are the one who will have to put up with this shit, not us. Is that how you want to live your life? He really won't change.

Pinkbonbon · 30/11/2022 14:52

It's one thing to have an argument with someone public. Its a totally different thing to belittle them!

What you are describing is not anger, it's abuse.

He doesn't need 'help'. He does it because he wants to. Besides, if that wasn't the case, it would be up to him to feel sorry enough to seek help for himself.

Get yourself out.
Before you lose all your friends because it's too uncomfortable for them to be around you both (which, FYI, is probably his plan).

BelgiumArse · 30/11/2022 15:05

He knows what he is doing, don't think he doesn't.

He's abusive and he enjoys it, that's a horrible thought isn't it, but yes he knows.

Now tell me, what right has he to exist on this planet without someone belittling and berating him alone and infront of others.

This man is not pleasant or kind, he has a deeply flawed nature, inherantly bad.

I'm sorry some people are vile on this earth and it appears you are living with one of these specimens.

Time to think about attaining more respect.

HangingOver · 30/11/2022 15:13

Yah I feel like you're minimizing here by calling it a "tantrum". I think he's just an arsehole.

Nicknicksee · 30/11/2022 15:23

I messaged him along the lines that ill never forgive him as it really hurt me and in anger I said I hope someone does it to him so he can feel how humiliating it can be. Even said to him why is he good to everyone else but only me and the kids get this side of him. He replied with a one liner saying go to hell. I suppose ive grown up where its normal to be treated this way and him on the other hand has never been told off in his life to know how it feels. Guess I could never have the guts to leave with the fear that any other man might be the same or worse. Plus four LOs to think about.

OP posts:
Naunet · 30/11/2022 15:27

What’s so horrifying to you about leaving and being single? It’s like you think that’s so awful you can’t even contemplate it, but I think it’s worth looking at what scares you about the idea because you’re setting yourself up for a very unhappy future if you stay with him.

Pinkbonbon · 30/11/2022 15:29

Who cares if another man 'could be worse' op, why is that relevant? I mean, you can be single you know. You don't need a man. And if you had any sense you'd stay single for a good while after this guy and spend the time learning how to spot abusers befoee dating again anyway. So it wouldn't be a problem because you'd choose better. And if you didn't, you'd have enough self esteem to walk away again.

Also...LO's? Kids?

All the kore 4eqsoj to leave. Because if they see tou putting up with an abusive partner, they'll think that shit is normal. You say you grew up with this abuse and its all you know and that's why you've found yourself here - well, do you want thr same for your children?

Pinkbonbon · 30/11/2022 15:30

*all the more reason.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 30/11/2022 15:37

How can you be helped here into leaving your abuser?. Your children cannot afford to keep on growing up in such a toxic and otherwise dysfunctional abusive environment. You have a choice re this man, your children do not.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here?. You two as their parents are giving your children here the blueprint for their future relationships. You were and remain very much harmed by the abuse committed upon you.

Re your comment

"Guess I could never have the guts to leave with the fear that any other man might be the same or worse. Plus four LOs to think about".

You need to love your own self for a change.

Your boundaries here, already skewed by previous experience of abuse, are being further got at by your abusive H now. Fear of him and fear of the unknown amongst so many other reasons keep people trapped with their abuser but you have a choice still re this man and your children do not. You can ultimately break free and take back control of your life. You all deserve a life free from being abused. Better to be on your own than to be so badly accompanied.

BelgiumArse · 30/11/2022 15:40

Go to hell.

That's his response.

He want's you to be the one to end this relationship, so he looks like the victim.
Sounds likes he's devaluing, discarding and gaslighting.

Don't text him, he will hold tthese messages against you and show others.
He sounds like he is no longer on your side.

Record subsequent conversations with him, he's playing a nasty game.
Go to a solicitors.

MrsTerryPratchett · 30/11/2022 15:49

Even said to him why is he good to everyone else but only me and the kids get this side of him. He replied with a one liner saying go to hell.

Done. That wasn't said in anger in the moment. He wants to be like this and he doesn't care how it affects you.

RoseslnTheHospital · 30/11/2022 15:53

Does he have tantrums at work, if his boss does something he doesn't like? I bet he doesn't, and he can control it when he wants to.

Your children will be damaged by their father belittling them and shouting at them. It's not normal or acceptable for a parent to belittle their child. Can you start to think how you could separate and live just on your own with your children?

pointythings · 30/11/2022 17:39

He does it to the kids. That should be all the reason you need to leave him. They will be damaged by his abuse. Get them out of there. Yes, it's scary. Yes, you have to do it.

frozendaisy · 30/11/2022 18:53

He is a grown man he should want to fix himself. He would if he loved you.

He switches this on just for his homelife so essentially there is nothing wrong with him he just think you and the kids are lesser beings because he is a mighty man penis.

What do you do?
You leave or put up with it until either you or he dies.

SlouchingTowardsBethlehemAgain · 30/11/2022 19:58

He is an abuser. You could try just saying 'Don't be so abusive' when he does it in front of others, but because he is an abuser he will probably punish you later.
Really LTB is the only solution. Not much good appealing to his better nature, because, as an abuser, he has not got one. Sorry OP, I know you want a solution within the relationship, but I doubt there is one.

billy1966 · 30/11/2022 20:31

You are in an abusive relationship with a man who knows well what he does.

4 small children?

God help them being reared in a house watching their mother being abused.

What will you do when he turns on them if he hasn't already?

Your poor children.

They will grow up to be hurt damaged adults because you stayed with an abusive prick.

Call Womens aid and contact your family and friends for support.

Your children and you deserve better even if you don't believe you do.

Nicknicksee · 30/11/2022 20:33

Thanks all for the replies. I actually have lost my self esteem over the years and reading how this isnt how a marriage is supposed to be has actually made me feel stronger. Dont know why I just accepted being treated like crap, when I think of all the times it has happened, it really is not normal.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 30/11/2022 20:35

Your children are being abused, not just you. You bear the responsibility to remove them from this toxic environment. It's unfathomable that you continue to stay with this man.

gamerchick · 30/11/2022 20:40

Poor kids being stuck in the middle of that. Your bloke enjoys at the time hurting you. He's a prick and you're forcing 4 innocent lives to put up with it

Leaving is always an option when there are kids to think about.

DeeCeeCherry · 01/12/2022 01:20

what gets me is when he does it infront of company. It just feels so humiliating when Im put down in front of people

I'd be gone. There is not a single chance I would stand for this. & nor should you. He's an ill-tempered bully and the people he puts you down in front off, probably think he's an uncouth idiot. Which he is.

He doesnt respect you so you won't change him. Do you want to spend your elder years putting up with this? Dump him and go live your one life in peace.

Your poor children. Theyll run a mile away from you both when they're old enough to do so, but by that time they'll be emotionally damaged and likely end up in abusive relationships themselves. Unless you do the right thing, which is leave. They deserve peace too

billy1966 · 01/12/2022 08:41

DeeCeeCherry · 01/12/2022 01:20

what gets me is when he does it infront of company. It just feels so humiliating when Im put down in front of people

I'd be gone. There is not a single chance I would stand for this. & nor should you. He's an ill-tempered bully and the people he puts you down in front off, probably think he's an uncouth idiot. Which he is.

He doesnt respect you so you won't change him. Do you want to spend your elder years putting up with this? Dump him and go live your one life in peace.

Your poor children. Theyll run a mile away from you both when they're old enough to do so, but by that time they'll be emotionally damaged and likely end up in abusive relationships themselves. Unless you do the right thing, which is leave. They deserve peace too

Oh and if you stay with him and other parents of school friends witness a hint of this behaviour they will actively keep their children away from your children and home.

Why?

Because they will not want their children near your husband and what they imagine goes on in your home.

Harsh?

Perhaps, but absolutely true.

You can absolutely be 100% sure that people whom have witnessed this behaviour believe him to be a nasty pig.

They will also 100% speculate as to how he behaves behind closed doors if he is like that in public.

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