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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH tantrums

33 replies

Nicknicksee · 30/11/2022 13:56

Been married for almost 20 years now. Happy otherwise and cant see myself with anyone else so ending the marriage is not an option but DH has developed such a temper over the years. I know arguments happen between couples and I can also shout back when I need to but what gets me is when he does it infront of company. It just feels so humiliating when Im put down infront of people close to us. Dont think he even realises how hurtful this can be. Any ideas on how I can get help for him regarding this. He once accepted he had anger management issues and always does realise after when hes wrong but whats the point then when youve already felt belittled. Sorry for the long post, just wanted to vent at the same time.

OP posts:
Original poster
Nicknicksee · 01/12/2022 12:43

Problem is ive been a SAHM for so many years now and financially dependent on him. I can say im comfortable and provided well for. Obviously not a reason to stay. I really want to get a job but have lost my confidence in that field and wouldn't know where to start. Past few years ive suffered with anxiety that just seems to be getting worse.

OP posts:
layladomino · 01/12/2022 13:06

You deserve better @Nicknicksee

Regular arguing isn't 'normal' in relationships for a start. You might disagree over the odd thing but that doesn't need to lead to shouting or falling out.

But this is about so much more than that isn't it. Belittling you in front of other people is just vile. Those people will judge him for it, and will feel sorry for you. If (when!) you split up, they won't be surprised. They won't blame you at all.

And his response 'go to hell' - that's so telling. He is telling you that he doesn't care what you think, that you are unhappy, that he's being abusive. He doesn't care. He won't ever change because he doesn't want to.

So the only option you have, if you want to be happy, is to leave. It might seem dautning but plenty of us have been there and it can be done. I would rather be single 1000 times more than in an unhealthy relationship. Imagine your calm, loving, happy home, just you and DCs. No angry idiot shouting the odds and putting you down. Life would be so very much better.

You might meet another man at some point, when you're good and ready. There are plenty of decent men out there. They aren't all like your vile husband.

MrsTerryPratchett · 01/12/2022 14:57

Nicknicksee · 01/12/2022 12:43

Problem is ive been a SAHM for so many years now and financially dependent on him. I can say im comfortable and provided well for. Obviously not a reason to stay. I really want to get a job but have lost my confidence in that field and wouldn't know where to start. Past few years ive suffered with anxiety that just seems to be getting worse.

This is all circular. You will need to make yourself do something. Volunteer, refresh qualifications, something. Start with one step.

And watch for him escalating as you do.

Quiegal · 02/12/2022 05:05

@Nicknicksee

So many things jumped out at me from your post.

You said he takes his anger on you and the kids but treats everyone else good.

You financially dependant on him and have lost your self- confidence.

I totally get you been with him a long time and starting over feels very scary. No one expects your to rush into another relationship so fast either. It's about getting help to leave by women's aid. A lot of time for you and kids to heal. Adjusting and just being free and get your confidence back.

You have taken a step by posting here and been given a lot of advice.

I know you feel you have no strength to do all the things that's be advised here. But trust me one day you will snap enough is enough. I hope that it's today or tomorrow or next week as the longer this goes on he will send you more and more in depression.

Just think of what your kids are seeing and thinking daddy's angry at us and it's normal when it's not.

Think about what been said here it's easier to bury your head in the sand. Don't he is abusive and you need to give him a shock you won't be putting up with it no more.

SafariRushHour · 02/12/2022 05:41

Personally I wouldn’t tolerate this. When he does this don’t cower or shout back, just calmly point out that he’s being very rude and ask why he’s behaving so rudely.

SafariRushHour · 02/12/2022 05:41

However I wouldn’t stay with a man who behaved like this

SafariRushHour · 02/12/2022 05:42

Most men don’t do this

billy1966 · 02/12/2022 08:05

Nicknicksee · 01/12/2022 12:43

Problem is ive been a SAHM for so many years now and financially dependent on him. I can say im comfortable and provided well for. Obviously not a reason to stay. I really want to get a job but have lost my confidence in that field and wouldn't know where to start. Past few years ive suffered with anxiety that just seems to be getting worse.

I can guarantee you that your increasing anxiety originates from being abused and has increased as the abuse has too.

First step was to post.

Call Womens aid for an ear.
Speak to family and friends.
Quietly start to make a plan.

Your passivity and feelings of powerlessness are exacerbating your anxiety too.

Slowly planning will help it.

Getting rid of that bullying pig will likely cure it.

You can do this.

Take back control by planning.

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