Excessive contact from STBXH regarding the children

[Wontsomebodyplsthinkofthecats]

How much contact is normal/necessary with an ex partner following separation?

I’m not talking about contact between the children and my ex – they have tablets they can facetime him before bed - I mean contact between parents regarding the children. I am having issues with my ex where he is texting multiple times a day (2 – 8 times) along with several phone calls and emails a week which I feel is excessive but he feels he has the right to constant communication due to being their Dad and also tends to escalate minor issues into “concerns” so we feel obliged to reply to him.

The children see their Dad regularly - they stay with him every other weekend and one weekday in the week after school every week. They are aged 8 and 9 and are fully able to ring him independently, update him on their news and maintain contact in between visits however we are still getting constant demands for updates and information from him.

Recent messages/demands include;

Requests for twice a day updates on how the girls are (they have colds at the moment)
criticising our decision to keep one of them off school
criticising our decision to send one of them to school
criticising the size of water bottle they take to school (they have water coolers in their classrooms)
demands for me to take one of them to the doctor because she doesn’t eat well at his house (she is a healthy weight and eats more than her sister at my house)
picture messages of the girls’ tights with holes in them (they didn’t have holes when they left for school) and comments about how disgraceful it is
hand wringing about the fact that one of their zips has broken on their school coat (we have an appointment to have it mended with a seamstress and she also has buttons as well as a zip)
concerns that they might be too cold (the girls know they can wear trousers but chose to wear skirts and I have bought them both multiple sets of thermal underwear to wear to school under their uniform.
Expressing concern that one of them didn’t eat their lunch at school and came home hungry, demanding that I start making lunch boxes for them instead (I work shifts so this is not an easy task)
Demands that I sew a toy rabbit up immediately (breaks regularly and always gets sewn up by me again – eventually!)

It feels like he is deliberately finding things to pull us up on, he words his messages in a way that we feel we have to reply and can’t just ignore because he makes us out to be neglectful and tries to make us feel guilty and like we have to justify ourselves. The girls are happy, healthy children. They never get into trouble at school and always have glowing school reports. I know I am a good parent and prioritise my childrens’ wellbeing but his messages still get to me and my partner.

Does anyone have any ideas as to what rules/boundaries I can put into place to help us to encourage my ex curb his excessive demands or any experience that might help? Happy to give more details for context but this post was already getting long….

You keep saying "we" and "us" in relation to the messages he's sending.

Does he send them only to you, and you share them with your DDs?

If so, stop showing them. You don't need to respond to everything - you are perfectly capable of assessing whether something is a problem or not.

Sharing the messages to your DDs adds to their worries.

If he sends them to your DDs too (if they have their own phones), then you will need to assert some boundaries with him (easier said than done, i know)

a stock reply could be useful too -

"the girls are happy, healthy and safe, thank you"

out of interest - who instigated the split?

Several of those you can reply, you're their parent too... So
do it yourself.
Sew it yourself.
Buy one yourself.

I'd suggest you set one day a week to respond to his stupid messages and only reply by email.
And unemotionally.
Noted.
Done.
Not needed.
Ok.
Feel free to take care of X, y,z while they're with you.

Ignore the criticism its white noise easily ignored

Tights with holes in? Message him where to buy them so he sends you a picture of holey tights response should be something like, again? No idea how they manage that at school here is where you can get replacements from...the reason being is from an outside perspective you are clearly saying its not how you sent them to school that day and telling him how to resolve the issue he will then have to directly accuse you of neglect which will then be easily disproved by the school etc

Water bottle sizes again no problem this is the schools guidelines on water bottles (if you have one) feel free to buy another one

X has a broken zipper- she has buttons it's going in for repair on y date if you wish to replace the coat here is the school supplier's address

Packed lunches? No im not doing that

Sew up a rabbit? Thank you for volunteering to sew it up im sure she will appreciate the effort

I'm concerned they are cold! good luck getting them to wear trousers

Ask him to put everything in an email and you will set some time aside to reply every Sunday.

If my ex did that I would just block him! Accept email

You could lump them all in together and reply once a week in huge long email.

And note that his texts are becoming rather tiresome and obsessive, and really no need for it. Ask about his mental health too!

Then do every other week and so on until it stops.

Ahh missed the doctor one so this is an important one its a common tactic seen it time and time again people jump about eating because its important (obviously) but taking a child to the Dr's to be checked out because they arnt eating is actually quite a dangerous thing to do especially as the child is fine and eating in your care some children can get highly anxious and refuse food when they have a controlling parent the way to deal with it is to back off and not force food unless there is sen children won't routinely starve themselves for no reason so if he starts with the take them to the Dr's respond

I disagree they eat fine when they are here the height and weight is proportional

I initially had some of this from my abusive ex, it was a form of control...could that be the same in your case? As suggested above I kept discussion to a minimum and whenever possible replied with an OK emoji or something non-commital like "will do".

I will say with the not eating thing my ds point blank refused food at his dad's for years because daddy and nanny tried forcing him to eat literally sat with him staring him down one more spoonful now another now some more eat your food he couldn't eat it began refusing to go he would cry at school saying don't make me go don't make me eat there he would feel physically sick we had it written in a parenting agreement put forth by social services stating he would not force or coerce him into eating food they still passed snide remarks but it effectively cut them off he hardly sees them these days and never eats with them but it's been massively damaging especially as the focus was on HIM and HIS eating not his brother just fixed on him

I like this very much.

How long has he been like this? At some point (not necessarily now) would it be possible to say something like “Since {date}, you have sent me between 2 and 8 messages a day on a number of minor issues. This volume of communication from you is unwelcome. The girls are well and happy. If any minor issues arise while they are in your care, please feel free to resolve them yourself”.

I think OP means her and her partner with regards to ‘we’ and ‘us’

Just to answer a few questions briefly because i am at work;

PPs noticed I said we and us, sorry if that was confusing i actually meant myself and my partner. The children are not involved in these messages at all and don't get to see what their father sends me.

My Ex actually contacts my partner now exclusively as he was unable to be civil towards me and at the recommendation of my doctor after a PTSD diagnosis. I still feel stressed by him constantly messaging my partner and he is also getting wound up by it even though he is a very calm and patient man. I feel protective towards him and annoyed by the dynamic where my ex thinks he can call all the shots and continue being abusive.

I instigated the break up due to domestic violence/abuse towards me (not the children), we have been separated for 2 years now.

Ah - yes, i see that, thank you!

Stock answer is the way to go then, i think.

Or even better, just a 👍every time.

He can interpret it as you acknowledging/agreeing, while you can use it to mean "jog on, idiot".

When he has them he can deal with the issues that arise then. While you have them you can ignore him. Personally I would tell him to go fuck himself but then I was not married to him. He is a controlling arsehole.

Personally I would buy a cheap pay as you go phone, give him that number and block him from all others. Then he can text away, you only need to look once a day if that, and I would do one word responses where possible, or put the onus back on him as others have said

take back control

This.

When they are with you you do not need to have any regular contact at all. You can just glance at the messages once a week. Don’t reply to anything unless you think it is valid and then only once a week. Make him
unimportant.
When they are with him you can look at it in case it’s genuinely important but when they are back with you switch it off again.

It’s control. Don’t engage.

You partner isn't a parent, so should be involved in the decision making - there should be a we decided, it should be I decided.
Is he doing this to get at you or does he not see them often enough? Why didn't he want 50/50, or 60/40 with you as resident parent? I think you need to go to a mediator to get all of this sorted out.**

The first sentence didn't make sense, bad Internet connection! Shouldn't not should.

This, except that I assume it would have to be your partner looking at the phone if he's not supposed to contact you. Minimal engagement and one word responses are likely to be effective - that way he can't complain that he is being ignored but he can't complain that he isn't getting the responses he wants, which is essentially you and your partner demonstrating that he is getting to you.

He's a knob.
My 88yo uncle can sew, darn and knit as he was taught that during his military service in the post war years. If some Army and Navy blokes from decades ago aren't emasculated by sewing a damn button on, your fuckwit ex won't be.

Anyway, mute all his texts and calls then send him one single reply saying 'noted' every fucking time. None of those things require a reply. If he wants DD to have a coat that closes, or tights he can damn well sort it out himself.

Mediation is never recommended with an abuser. They just manipulate.

I would stop replying at all unless its urgent. Suggest he writes down any concerns and then reassesses if they are still bothering him after a week or so, but that you are starting to consider the sheer volume of his complaints to be harrassment. That he has regular access to the children and their phone numbers, so there is no need to keep bombarding you with criticisms and suggestions. That your relationship with him is long over and he needs to stop assuming that you will attend to his tasks and requests. His time with the children is his, yours is yours and if hes feeling this anxious about things like tights and waterbottles, then he might need to seek help and go on sedatives.

OP you just need to stop replying to each email or message.

Get your children to ring/face time him a couple of times per week.

Been around this before, I will send you a PM.

Auto reply - 'Thank you for your email, the contents of which are duly noted.'

Totally disengage. His sending an email does not in any way shape or form require that you either take action or respond.

Have the messages forwarded to a separate folder and read them once a week - but don't reply, unless a request is reasonable.

Unfortunately he isn't a reasonable person so your suggestion won't work.

He will continue to bug the OP anyway he can to get into and stay in her head.

His behaviour and others who act like him is like a stalker. They cannot be reasoned with. Even if they are told by authorities not to send excess messages they will ignore it and use the excuse of their shared children to continue the harassment.