Excessive contact from STBXH regarding the children

[Wontsomebodyplsthinkofthecats]

How much contact is normal/necessary with an ex partner following separation?

I’m not talking about contact between the children and my ex – they have tablets they can facetime him before bed - I mean contact between parents regarding the children. I am having issues with my ex where he is texting multiple times a day (2 – 8 times) along with several phone calls and emails a week which I feel is excessive but he feels he has the right to constant communication due to being their Dad and also tends to escalate minor issues into “concerns” so we feel obliged to reply to him.

The children see their Dad regularly - they stay with him every other weekend and one weekday in the week after school every week. They are aged 8 and 9 and are fully able to ring him independently, update him on their news and maintain contact in between visits however we are still getting constant demands for updates and information from him.

Recent messages/demands include;

Requests for twice a day updates on how the girls are (they have colds at the moment)
criticising our decision to keep one of them off school
criticising our decision to send one of them to school
criticising the size of water bottle they take to school (they have water coolers in their classrooms)
demands for me to take one of them to the doctor because she doesn’t eat well at his house (she is a healthy weight and eats more than her sister at my house)
picture messages of the girls’ tights with holes in them (they didn’t have holes when they left for school) and comments about how disgraceful it is
hand wringing about the fact that one of their zips has broken on their school coat (we have an appointment to have it mended with a seamstress and she also has buttons as well as a zip)
concerns that they might be too cold (the girls know they can wear trousers but chose to wear skirts and I have bought them both multiple sets of thermal underwear to wear to school under their uniform.
Expressing concern that one of them didn’t eat their lunch at school and came home hungry, demanding that I start making lunch boxes for them instead (I work shifts so this is not an easy task)
Demands that I sew a toy rabbit up immediately (breaks regularly and always gets sewn up by me again – eventually!)

It feels like he is deliberately finding things to pull us up on, he words his messages in a way that we feel we have to reply and can’t just ignore because he makes us out to be neglectful and tries to make us feel guilty and like we have to justify ourselves. The girls are happy, healthy children. They never get into trouble at school and always have glowing school reports. I know I am a good parent and prioritise my childrens’ wellbeing but his messages still get to me and my partner.

Does anyone have any ideas as to what rules/boundaries I can put into place to help us to encourage my ex curb his excessive demands or any experience that might help? Happy to give more details for context but this post was already getting long….

100% agree that the current set up of Ex making multiple phone calls/texts daily is simply allowing him to continue to abuse you.

Text or email him with a new email address for you and tell him that as he is harassing you several times daily with demands/concerns, you will only reply to emails concerning contact and any serious concerns.

Tell him that you will only reply to email requests for information which are necessary/important once a week, but you will no longer discuss or reply to minor things he has 'issues' with.

Tell him 'If you are concerned about things like drinking bottles and tights etc, you can resolve these 'issues' without my help. Feel free to buy the kids anything you think they need, no need to discuss this with me'

And stick to it ! Don't reply to anything that isn't actually an important issue.

But be careful that you take away your kids devices at bedtime etc, and monitor his contact with them so that he can't start to harass them instead by saying 'Ask Mum to ....' etc etc

OP your partner can and should refuse to answer your ex's messages as he is not the children's father but lives in your household.

The best people to act as third parties to correspond with abusive people are people who don't live in your household. This is because they don't know your movements and also can disengage more easily.

Quite simply your partner can just not reply and respond to 'none urgents' once a week.

If he asks for an update 'that doesn't work for us' or 'I'm afraid I'll be too busy with the kids but I'll be sure to tell them you want to hear from them'

About food 'i have no concerns, if you want them to have packed lunches feel free to make them and drop them off at school' spoiler, he won't. Clothes 'oh dear, feel free to buy them some more if you wish' spoiler, he won't.

It’s STILL abuse even if you did split X years ago. He’s STILL trying to control you.

I say this as someone who has now twice gone back to WA/police even though I left 7+ years ago because he still seems to think he has a right to control my life.

grey rock it all the way.

Thank you all for your advice. There's some really good points here and whilst i know what he is doing is wrong, you've all validated how I was feeling and I feel more empowered to put some boundaries in. 💪

I'm going to discuss the suggestions with my partner and come up with a plan of action/party line! I like the idea of having copy paste stock responses like an out of office message and then only replying properly only once a week unless it's an emergency.

Just don't reply (to the trivial stuff and criticisms) at all.. Only engage with him about child arrangements (collection/drop off planning, changes to contact etc) and anything significant that entails a genuine parental responsibility discussion.

Replying is just perpetuating the conversations. People who don't receive replies soon get bored and stop the incessant messaging. And the bonus is that nothing irritates these people more than not getting a reply!

My ex was like this. It's a total nightmare. Presumably, he was perfectly fine with how you handled the girls and family life prior to the split and did not have this level of 'concern' before the split? He's just being controlling and abusive plain and simple and I'd turn it around in him.

I.e. "Thank you for expressing your concerns, however as I am parenting the girls exactly the same as I had throughout our relationship and you had no previous concerns, and nothing has actually changed...I am starting to feel concerned at the unusual level of anxiousness you are exhibiting towards fairly normal and minor things and that you these projections of your feelings regarding our separation could end up negatively impacting our girls." I did something alone those lines with my ex andI implied supervised access if I continued to have 'concerns' regarding his mental health. This did work to stop him in that area.

Him - he took them outside to play in -40 degree whether and texted me I hadn't provided them with proper rated boots. My response "I follow school guidelines and don't let the kids play outside when it is colder than -20. It is not appropriate for you to be taking them out in - 40 whether and especially when you have not purchased the proper thermal wear for them, which is 100% your responsibility if you are doing activities that they don't do at school or while with me."

Him: "You're not feeding the kids well enough, I expect them to have eaten supper before I pick them up for a visit."

Me: "Of course they ate supper. They are growing children and of course will get hungry while with you, even though they already ate. You are a parent too and are equally expected to meet whatever their needs are that arise while in your care."

And on it goes. I got sick of this crap all the time though. I stopped responding to any of this and only replied while kids were with him if there appeared to be an actual need for the kids. He always tried to force unnecessary conversations "about the kids" when really it's just a need to control you and force you into unwanted contact with him.

Him: "My time with the kids is important, I expect you to accommodate me blah blah blah." Meanwhile he never showed up for scheduled access.

I hate these men. My ex moved away 4 years ago and teenagers no longer interested and choose not to have contact so I'm finally free. Blocked him on everything 2 years ago and have never looked back.

Meant to also say that with my ex - even though those are the types of responses I would give, except where I implied supervised access because of his seemingly unstable mental health with all his concerns, he always had something to say back to try and twist it or get the final word in. Which is why it's best to only answer what's necessary and if he is as bad as my ex, make it about him and how he's coming across as being very paranoid and unstable, which is concerning to you in relation to how he is acting around the children. There were actually mental health concerns that went on record with his doctor before we broke up though so I had ammunition to back up what I was saying and to actually go the supervised access route if it came to that, which is maybe why it shut him up when I said it.

Your ex sounds exactly like mine though but he could just be abusive.

Created an auto reply for any of his texts that just says
Noted.

Anytime he texts, he'll get the auto response.

Then if you feel like looking at the messages at some point you can.
90% of what he sends probably isn't important at all.

He is just looking for ways he can piss you off, basically. The simpler and less frequent you can keep your replies, the more likely he is to get bored with it. The one line response once a week (e,g, "Noted") is the best way to go. The more you respond and get into debate on things, the more it will encourage him.

It's harassment, control, bulling....you aren't together anymore. You don't have to accept this. Right now he is controlling you and impacting your partner. Give him a warning to stop it otherwise you'll block him, then block him if he continues and unblock when you need to speak to him.

I've been through this as well. My ex used to call non stop if I didn't answer. I spoke to the police about it and they had a word with him about harassment.

You aren't with him anymore! You're free and don't have to put up with this shit!

Your h is now knowingly abusing you via your dp.

he knows dp will get pissed off and he’s thinking that will mean you get grief. It also means that he’s trying to sow seeds of doubt in your dp head about your parenting

your dp needs to say that he’s quite frankly bored with this obsessive and unnecessary messaging and it’s not what he’s prepared to do. Tell him that he only agreed to help as the ex wasn’t able to keep things civil, but what’s going on now is just mental. From now on, ex stick it in an email to @Wontsomebodyplsthinkofthecats and if a reply is required it will be sent.

then get him to drop the rope.

Block him on everything except email.

It’s totally abnormal. I agree with those posters suggesting a bland and automatic reply of “noted” and a weekly review of whatever crazy shit he sent this week in case there really is an issue that needs dealing with. However I’d challenge you to think now if he has EVER raised something to you that was genuinely urgent for action that you didn’t already know about…. This does not include tights, rabbits or water bottles.

There is 100% no need to give him updates on your kids snot. I don’t even tell my ex about minor child ailments unless she’d be missing contact or bringing him germs he may want to decline. I’d inform him of anything serious that requires a hospital.

Good luck with setting boundaries this nut job needs them!!

I would be very careful to deal with this yourself OP. I would not be leaving this to your partner.

You say that you were in a Dv relationship with your husband and have been separated 'over 2 years' . And yet in that incredibly short period of time you have met a new man, recovered from the previous relationship sufficiently to be able to embark on another. Introduced him to your children and moved him into your home with them.

You are now making parenting decisions with this man. If I were your ex I would be concerned that you were putting to much stock in a man you could realistically only have known as a partner for 18 months.

I would take back control of the messages. Preface them with 'I' .. not 'We' as he really has no place in this.. and do as others have suggested. Block him. By a Cheapie bayg mobile.and read the messages when YOU wish to.

Giving your partner this task is too risky. It gives your power to your ex and your partner when it needs to live with you .

Who the hell does he think he is raising concerns about his children and ordering you to address them? He's a bloody parent to them too.

My stock reply would be "your concern is noted, feel free to action the appropriate steps."

I think your mistake is making your partner part of this. It's between you and your ex. As he's abusive and you need distance, the suggestions re a separate phone or email address are good ones. But your partner being part of the decision making and then constantly receiving messages is inappropriate and just complicates matters.

I also don't think it is required to update your ex on anything while the kids are with you unless there's a medical emergency. He's perfectly capable of arranging his own parent teacher meetings if he has concerns about school, or speaking with the girls doctors etc. I refused to disclose or acknowledge anything that was happening with my personal time with my children and did not engage with him when he tried to rope me in while the kids were with him. If you have a written agreement or court order in place and it doesn't say anything about access other than his weekends and night in the week - as far as I'm aware, the kids are not even obliged to have phone conversations with him outside of his scheduled access unless they themselves want to.

Your ex is way out of order trying to control you with obsessive update requests.

Agree with most of what's been said but I have no idea why your partner - of less than 2 years - is involved in any of this. I don't have any anger issues or abusive tendancies but think I would get the rage if my exes partner was included in decision making this much or was acting as interlocutor. There are many other communication options better than that which are more 'neutral' for want of a better word.

This is an extension of his abuse. My first thought was it’s about control.
Move to email.
Neither your partner nor you need reply to his moany texts. Or you could both send one word reply — Noted. Don’t ever vary it. Same word every time.
Keep all the messages as they constitute harassment. If you are having treatment for PTSD make sure your dr or therapist knows about these, and your lawyer.
I can see why he’s a stbexh.

Do you think he would continue this behavior if all his communications had to go through an app that can be viewed by lawyers/court, etc such as Our Family Wizard? It's something you have to pay to use but might be a good idea. A lawyer recommended it to me when I explained the same behaviors you describe about your ex.

He'd not be very bright to keep up with this as in that scenario it's very easy to show it's harassment rather than necessary contact that benefits the kids. He'd not he allowed to contact you in any other way, all communication between you and him would have to go through there.