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Original poster

Do you marry the family?

45 replies

ealin · 30/11/2022 09:41

Would you consider a long term relationship/marriage with someone if you didn't like their family or would you walk away?

OP posts:
andpeggy1 · 30/11/2022 09:46

Walk away, it will only cause issues further down the line and could potentially really ruin your relationship if it hasn't already

softpilllow · 30/11/2022 09:46

Not enough context.

If they spent every spare minute with their family who I didn't like/didn't accept me, I would walk.

If they saw very little of them and defended me then I would stay.

There are a lot of variables in between

PeekAtYou · 30/11/2022 09:47

It's easiest to walk away- especially if you want children and wouldn't be able to prevent contact (especially if you split)

MeMyBooksAndMyCats · 30/11/2022 09:47

I don't like DHs family bar one member of it, still together. I married for him not his family.

Pictograph · 30/11/2022 09:48

Didn't like much - fine.
Really hated - walk away.

dudsville · 30/11/2022 09:48

I didn't realise how important this was until i was already married. I left him for many reasons but this was a part of the picture. When i started dating again i had the quality of the guy's family on my radar most definitely!

Mythril · 30/11/2022 09:50

Completely depends on how involved they are in your lives.

The less involved they are, the less it matters if you like them.

Trisolaris · 30/11/2022 10:08

I think it depends on their relationship with their family. Ie if they have good boundaries etc.

My husband and I have difficult family members but we support each other - I know sometimes he struggles with how chaotic and loud my family is so I try and protect him from that and make sure he gets breaks when we are staying with them. Equally his mother can be manipulative and he protects me from that. I wouldn’t marry someone who just expected me to get on with their family and saw me as the problem if there were any issues. It requires adjustment and support on all sides.

Original poster
ealin · 30/11/2022 10:10

MeMyBooksAndMyCats · 30/11/2022 09:47

I don't like DHs family bar one member of it, still together. I married for him not his family.

Do you have to spend much time with them? Has it caused any strain in your relationship with DH?

OP posts:
Quitelikeit · 30/11/2022 10:12

Oh it will cause strain believe me

what is it you don’t specifically like and do you live near them?

RandomMusings7 · 30/11/2022 10:14

Unless your partner is estranges or you plan on living thousands of miles away from their family, then no, I don't think it's worth the hassle of dealing with difficult in-laws.

RandomMusings7 · 30/11/2022 10:14

Estranged *

MoreTeaLessCoffee · 30/11/2022 10:20

I don't think it's fair to marry someone who is close to their family, and sees a lot of them, if you don't like them and don't want to see them. You are putting your partner in a very difficult position and they will have to spend their life navigating and mediating between the two. I don't adore my partner's family but he is very close to them and so I have accepted they are part of the package. (He is also mindful that we have to have time away from them too. But it just wouldn't have worked if I really disliked them).

Original poster
ealin · 30/11/2022 10:26

Quitelikeit · 30/11/2022 10:12

Oh it will cause strain believe me

what is it you don’t specifically like and do you live near them?

We live a couple of hours away so not the other side of the world. I can't go into too much detail why we don't get along (would be very outing) but there has been vocalised reservations from them about me from day 1. It has already caused a massive strain and is now treated like the elephant in the room

OP posts:
MishaBukvic · 30/11/2022 11:24

Walk away. I didn't realise how much of an impact his family would have until it was too late. Cruel MIL, in fact all of them were cruel and manipulative. Even though we divorced years ago, I still wonder how he grew up to be so different to the rest of the family. How a cruel bunch can produce a kind, "normal" man but his fault was he never really saw the real depth of how bad his family could be. This caused resentment and the marriage had crumbled before we had chance to really work on it/resolve it.

My married life was affected by seeing his family just once a week. The minute we'd walk through the door, the MIL would subject us to passive aggressive negativity and criticism. Every parenting decision we made was criticized. Every decision about day to day life - where we did our food shop, where we planned our holiday, what month we chose to go on holiday was all criticized. I stopped going for the weekly visits at one point but there were quite regular weddings/christenings/funerals/birthdays we'd have to attend (big family) and it caused a strain because I just didnt want to be there. I met his grandad twice in 12 years. On one of those time, his grandad made me cry because of viscous comments about me and my family. I couldn't bear it anymore and it was definitely a contributing factor to the marriage ending.

It's quite telling that my Ex-H current wife has only met his family twice in 8 years. She is obviously a much stronger lady than I was, and won't tolerate their sh1t. Good for her!

Merrow · 30/11/2022 11:30

Depends what your DP think of their family. I didn't marry DPs family because they're relatively low contact with the problematic members and agree they're problematic! DP did marry mine as I'm significantly closer to them. Luckily DP likes them and they like DP, but it would have been hard on me, and us, if DP didn't like them.

ComtesseDeSpair · 30/11/2022 12:08

I think you stand to make your life a lot more difficult than it needs to be, especially if you’re planning to have children. You don’t have to love your in-laws or want to be best friends with any of them, but you do need to be able to spend some amount of time together pleasantly and not dread seeing each other.

If the main issue is that they have reservations about you and the relationship, do you think those may disperse with time? For example, do they view you in a particular way because they don’t know you very well, or have made assumptions about something based only on what your boyfriend has told them about you?

Cornelious · 30/11/2022 12:14

Yes I would walk away. Having a supportive extended family is important to me.

chrimborambo · 30/11/2022 12:17

@ealin I tried for years to fit in with my husband's family but it only ever worked on a superficial level. I always got the sense that I wasn't liked. Something major happened and they showed me emphatically that they weren't interested in me at all. Now I don't really see them and if DH wants to see them, he sees them alone. That works fine for me but I do sometimes yearn to be surrounded by warm and welcoming relatives. Life's never perfect, I suppose?

Hoppinggreen · 30/11/2022 12:18

Depends how he feels about them. We are very LC with DHs family and even when I agree to a very small amount of contact it usually ends in an argument as he gets defensive and so do I. However, we both know we are roughly on the same page and we work it out.
If he pushed me to do more he knows I will dig my heels in and it will make things more difficult so he respects my boundaries and I do things I am comfortable with that make his life easier

Original poster
ealin · 30/11/2022 12:24

Thanks for all of your responses! I think it's a guilt thing, I feel guilty that we are now LC and I know it wouldn't be like that if I wasn't in the picture

OP posts:
QueenBeex · 30/11/2022 12:26

Walk away 100%

CMOTDibbler · 30/11/2022 12:28

As others have said, it depends on what your dp thinks about their family tbh. I don't particularly like anyone in DHs family apart from a couple of nephews and when we were first together it was very difficult as I just didn't fit with the other SILs and my PILs view of how things should be. But DH isn't close with them and doesn't care what they think, so we've always in our 25 year of marriage been a united front.
If he was like some on here wanting to live close to them and be a popping in and out family, then absolutely not.

Badbadbunny · 30/11/2022 12:30

Depends on how much they see the family and how "intertwined" they are.

If they're in eachother's pockets, do loads of things together, regularly visit eachothers' homes etc., then I'd run for the hills.

But if they only get together once or twice a year, live pretty separate lives, etc., then I could easily put up with minimal contact.

Easy enough to smile and bite your lip on a very occasional basis, but if it was weekly, then a big fat no.

ScrabbleChamp64 · 30/11/2022 12:32

Depends on the families in question but wouldn’t work in either of our families. Fiancé’s best friend is his dad and he likes to hang out with them socially fortnightly-ish and they are all very close. Luckily I have been “one of the family” for years.

Same with my family, my mum puts a lot of stock in “family time” and being the kind of family who see each other a lot around birthdays/holidays and support each other so if my fiancé didn’t like them or they didn’t like them it would be difficult.

Partly we have been lucky in that we do all get along, partly we have all made the effort to get along even where we might not naturally be friends because we realise it’s important and partly Fiancé and I have shared values around the importance of family.

If your OH and family are not close then I don’t suppose it would matter so much