Do you marry the family?

[ealin]

Would you consider a long term relationship/marriage with someone if you didn't like their family or would you walk away?

Well it probably would be like that unless he married an empty husk of a woman.

I’ve felt the guilt thing, but nearly 40 years down the line has shown we I were right to set some boundaries. The marriage wouldn’t have survived with them sticking their beaks in, issuing their orders also constantly cadging money and stuff although they were better off than us. I had to admit to MIL that I’d never got the hang of being told what to do and wasn’t about to start now.

I sometimes joke I’d have married DH even if I’d gone off him, just to annoy SIL on the day. She is still annoyed and vengeful and has spread plenty of poison over the years. She’s a rather unpleasant bitter old woman now who, according to other relatives, still gives a lot more thought to us than we do to her. Fancy spending 40 years getting into that state.

I think it’s shown me how to be a good mother of adults, MIL and grandmother too. I never comment or interfere. I have respect for their autonomy.

Can you talk with your man about it, if he’s a bit under the thumb he might just be looking for that extra support to move on, so you could do that together. If on the other hand he thinks they can do no wrong and revels in their company, and doesn’t get you at all, you have a problem. I’m assuming it’s the former as you’ve already gone LC.

I have very little to do with my in laws, as they live abroad. Most of dps family are toxic arseholes though, so dp has little or no contact with them anyway.

My ex was different though. His dad was an absolute nightmare and I dreaded it when we had our fortnightly visit. We broke up eventually for other reasons, but I have to day, it was always a strain on our relationship.

Depends....if you're the poster from the other day (or similar) where they didn't like you due to your race/skin colour then I wouldn't consider it for a 2nd

Only way would be if DP went no contact due to their racist attitudes but the poster the other day was saying their DP felt caught in the middle and while supported her he wasn't particularly vocal about it

I have been with my partner for about 18 years. I would not marry him now because his family are a bunch of weirdos only interested in money. I used to like them but not any more. He has distanced himself from them because of things they did and we never see them socially. When his mum dies I do not know if I will even attend the funeral. It would be awkward and hypocritical for me to attend I think, so no - no marriage for us even though we are happy

I'm not keen on my husband's family but I am rather fond of my husband. I don't have a huge amount to do with them I am civil and nice when I meet them though

Depends how much you have to do with them. None of my family like my husband and avoid coming to my house when he's in, although they are polite with him and have welcomed him for my sake. It is a problem as my family are all close by and I hate feeling that they are uncomfortable. His family live at the other end of the country, which is a shame because I love them to bits, and they love me. However, I don't love him, and they don't like him much either... Families can be really intertwined and physically/geographically close, or you might barely ever see them. Do you just not get on, or are they fundamentally terrible people??!

After being together for nearly 20 years and married for 14 of those, I am now NC with my in laws. I should have done it years ago.

The stress they’ve caused me and the strain on my relationship is not to be underestimated. If I knew then what I know now, I would have walked away.

Well as you have already experienced it is pretty uncomfortable and does make you feel partially responsible for the relationship between parent and child and the quality of that relationship

however it really is no business of parents who their child decides to commit to and any wise mil or fil would know that being rude or unwelcoming will hurt their child and drive them away

those feelings you are experiencing will at times get worse during Xmas, special occasions and the birth of children well grandchildren so do think about that

however it sounds like you are already in too deep so……..

No not the same poster and race isn't the factor here. However the part about the partner not being vocal couldn't be more accurate, will have to try to find that thread!

DH's family can be a total dramatic nightmare, but also, I love the way that they are so big and they all come back together eventually even when they have had some complicated fall out. Some of them are also the total opposite of people who I would get on with.

But the key is definitely that DH is on my side, never his family's side, if it came down to it, he would back me. I agree that is 100% the important thing.

I would like to think they aren't fundamentally awful but it's been made quite clear I'm not what they had in mind for their DC and I'm very different to them all. It all came to a boiling point (DP didn't get involved) and now there's limited contact

Very much depends on the OH and how they handle their family.

In my case my husband spends time with his mother alone. I no longer go and when I really have to go I stay civil but don’t really engage with her at all.

He respects my decision. I had a difficult upbringing and he knows that and respects what I need to do to protect myself. And also he knows that if she starts I won’t hold back and that will be that.

I don’t care for her bullshit anymore. And I don’t care about hurting her feelings anymore. She never cared about the snide remarks she would make against me so I don’t care about giving her a piece of my mind when she crosses my boundaries.

I would like to add to this that the rest of my in-laws are extremely lovely people who I get on very well with. It’s just her.

I don't know how old you are, but I have found the younger generation just don't bother with the in law thing as much.

My bil who is a lot younger then dh refused to meet any of us properly and planned a wedding two weeks before covid restrictions were lifted for the sole reason not to invite anyone.

Outside friendships are more important to the 25 - 35 age bracket and that is their family for them. Traditions and family loyalty are generally not a thing for younger people and they generally just marry the person without bothering what the wider family are like.

My ex had a really horrible bullying misogynistic racist father who he wasn't that close to in his twenties.

Roll on 2 decades and by the end I divorced him the son was rapidly turning into his Dad.

The apple doesn't fall far from the tree in my ex and his toxic families case.

It depends on a couple of factors

do you live in the same country
if yes then how far away
is he close to them
if not are the family generally close as he may end up becoming more involved
how often do they have family get togethers

I'm in this position. We are supposed to be getting married, but I'm actually rethinking, and its based on his family. At first it was ok, but slowly got worse and I can't stand them as they are really nasty people (a couple of them are ok, but they definitely have a group mentality of sticking together). I've recently seen them throw another family member , who married into the family, under a bus.

Although DP is on my side, I know if I wasn't in the picture his relationsbhip with his family would be fine. But it isn't me thats caused it, it is all on them, which at least he sees.

It has got to a point where I am thinking how much worse this will be when we're married, as I really want nothing to do with them now after recent behaviour from them. But that just makes me look like the unreasonable one and I think it will cause issues for DP down the line. I don't know if he'll always have my back and if he'll start to resent me for standing my ground against being bullied by them.

Its a difficult one. I think mainly because DP, although on my side now, will not actually tell them how shitty they are being. He just avoids situations to 'keep the peace'. I know if it was my family who did this to DP, I wouldn't just ignore the situations, I'd be calling them out on it. I'd be over there and sorting it all out. His reluctance to actually do that is whats making me rethink.

I think it depends. I don’t love my DPs dads family, they are just a bit small minded and outdated in their views, the sort of people who are very “anti woke” and calls anyone who doesn’t find their “banter” funny a snowflake.

However he is aware they are a bit problematic and generally just sees them at Christmas and landmark birthdays. If he absolutely adored them and spent ages with them I’d be a bit more unsure.

However because of them and thinking they just wouldn’t behave after a few glasses of fizz we are planning to elope…

That said my DPs mum is lovely and her family are nice people.

It would why I felt that way - racist or homophonic- walk away, slightly annoying - fine.

It would also depend:
How often I saw them
How much I liked my partner
How much I disliked or hated them

DHs family are not really for me. I find their dynamic odd and they are very distant with each other. DH and his parents (who are split up) only ever talk about small things, they would never say how they felt or show any emotion particularly.
Im very close with my parents and they see me cry and everything.

Would I prefer a better relationship with in laws? Probably, but at the same time we don't have to see them much so I won't complain!