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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

New partner previously in toxic relationship

46 replies

jasper333 · 30/11/2022 08:16

I have recently started seeing someone, I knew him previously as his ex is a friend of my child's father.

Just before we started talking he had kicked his ex out of the house, due to finding out she was unfaithful during the relationship. They had been sharing the house despite being broken up for a few weeks.

He was very honest about the state of their relationship before they broke up, said that it was volatile and involved him reacting badly and turning the house upside down in fits of temper. He said he had never hit her but had physically removed her from the house (prior to her being on the mortgage) when she refused to leave when he asked her during these arguments.

We kept things quiet during the month of getting to know each other, but my child's father found out and told his ex. Both my child's father and her have contacted me stating that he is a risk to my child and myself.

I have applied using Clare's law for anything that needs disclosing about him, had the face to face meeting yesterday but I know there isn't any DV recorded. I know there is drunk and disorderly (he hasn't drunk for years since that incident).

I'm currently stuck not knowing what to do, in my gut I know that it was a very toxic relationship that they were in and he is hot headed and they weren't right for each other.

I don't see the risk to my child and don't think it's fair that this has been raised.

What are peoples thoughts?

OP posts:

determinedtomakethiswork · 30/11/2022 08:18

I wouldn't be with anyone who behaved like that at any point in his life. I certainly wouldn't allow them to be near my child.

MintJulia · 30/11/2022 08:20

He doesn't live in your house, he doesn't need contact with your DCs. You can see him, away from home, until you feel you know him better.

That should be what's happening anyway. This is the whole reason you don't introduce new boyfriends to children immediately.

Just take it slowly, give it a year and see how you get on. He has his own home, see him there.

AnneLovesGilbert · 30/11/2022 08:21

You don’t know what to do? Why’s that? Is he the last single man on Earth? Grow up and ditch him. He’s a fucking mess. There’s nothing bad about being single when this is the alternative.

Dogtooth · 30/11/2022 08:26

Maybe I'd accept he'd turned over a new leaf if all this was 20 years ago. But it was recently. What's changed? Would he have told you about his violent past if you didn't know through your shared connections?

Your duty to your child comes first. If it was that easy to walk away from guys like this, there wouldn't be any domestic violence. People don't have to be evil to be abusers, being chaotic is enough and he's chaotic. It would be like welcoming a dog into your home knowing it had recently bitten someone badly.

determinedtomakethiswork · 30/11/2022 08:27

When you say he was in a toxic relationship, it sounds so you are blaming the other woman. It sounds like he is the toxic one - if he is, then whoever he has a relationship with, it will be toxic.

RandomMusings7 · 30/11/2022 08:28

it was volatile and involved him reacting badly and turning the house upside down in fits of temper.

RandomMusings7 · 30/11/2022 08:29

You would be mad to bring such a man into your kid's life. Absolutely selfish and mad.

Please don't

Itsbeenashortyear · 30/11/2022 08:30

He, as a grown man, would trash their home in anger?

Thingsdogetbetter · 30/11/2022 08:33

Is 'turning the house upside down in fits of anger' a minimisation of 'smash the house up in a uncontrollable rage' by any chance? And 'physically removed her' for 'dragged her out of her home in a rage'? To me 'hotheaded' is a also a minimising term for quick to anger and not able to control negative emotions.

I'm confused by the timeline. She cheated - they broke up - they stayed living together for a few weeks - they kept arguing - he physically removed her during an argument as she won't leave right there and then. Is that right?

Was the house solely in his name? Cos you say 'prior to her being on the mortgage'. If she was on the mortgage then he had no right to demand she leave a joint property, let alone physically remove her.

It's been one month, have you introduced him to your child already? Has he been staying over at your home with your child there?

CountZacular · 30/11/2022 08:34

A bad temper. Violently trashing the house. Physically removing his partner.

Honestly, it’s early days. Just end it now.

AllOfThemWitches · 30/11/2022 08:35

I've been 'physically removed' I can see why she's saying he is a risk.

Quitelikeit · 30/11/2022 08:37

I’m trying to give him the benefit of the doubt

so she cheated he found out and smashed the house up? Then man handled her out of the house?

I mean I don’t know he clearly has a temper - can you ask her to elaborate on things? Was it just this incident? Why didn’t she call the police?

id be very wary if I was you

PinkSyCo · 30/11/2022 08:40

I don't see the risk to my child and don't think it's fair that this has been raised.

Really? You’d rather you hadn’t been warned about this man? When you have a child to consider?? And that is your main concern? I honestly don’t know know what to say to this! You should be thanking them for making you aware of this man’s past. It could be that he has changed since he gave up drinking or whatever, BUT it could be that he hasn’t, so surely you know now to tread very carefully and slowly ie do not introduce him to your child for at least a year or move in with him for at least 2 years, and that’s a good thing right?

Quitelikeit · 30/11/2022 08:42

actually just reading it back did this happen numerous times?

i think it would be a no from me

as a one off (I knew a guy who beat up a guy who was seeing his wife, he was never violent and there was lots of tuts about what he did but some people said they sort of understood why he flipped) I sort of did too - I mean having your marriage imploded and children’s lives might present emotions that you are not aware you had and evoke certain responses

however if this man cannot handle his emotions when there is conflict then it’s highly likely you could be heading for trouble it’s inevitable you might have a argument here and there

and are you certain he doesn’t drink?

Original poster

jasper333 · 30/11/2022 08:48

Quitelikeit · 30/11/2022 08:42

actually just reading it back did this happen numerous times?

i think it would be a no from me

however if this man cannot handle his emotions when there is conflict then it’s highly likely you could be heading for trouble it’s inevitable you might have a argument here and there

and are you certain he doesn’t drink?

So the discovery of the affair was at the end, theyd broken up before this came out and was sharing the house.

The outbursts happened prior and during the relationship.

I really appreciate the honest and brutally honest responses here.

I'm not stupid/selfish however, I am finding info out in the first few weeks and have already taken steps to protect myself and my child with the Clare's law request, but this situation is developing as in, im finding out more info and acting on it.

I will likely put an end to this today.

Thanks again all x

OP posts:

Original poster

jasper333 · 03/12/2022 07:38

What if the Clare's law comes back clear?

The police will see if there's anything currently being investigated too.

OP posts:

Everydaywheniwakeup · 03/12/2022 07:52

My ex was a twat. I never once contacted the police but I did tell colleagues an endless list of lies about accidents I'd had at home. One friend photographed all my bruises in case I felt brave enough to tell the police but I was more scared of what he do if I did that.

InFiveMins · 03/12/2022 07:54

Who cares if the Clare's law thing comes back clear? He's violent and a danger to you and your child whether he's got a criminal record or not.

Do yourself and your child a favour, and get rid.

Meceme · 03/12/2022 08:00

If the Claire's law request comes back clear it doesn't necessarily mean there has been no violence, just that the police have no record of it. No formal report made.
You already know he has been physical, trashing the house on more than one occasion, and physically removed his ex from the house she had a legal right to be in .... using his strength to get his way.
Were there children involved?

Longestnight · 03/12/2022 08:04

He’s not exactly a nice bloke is he?

Original poster

jasper333 · 03/12/2022 08:08

Meceme · 03/12/2022 08:00

No children involved luckily.

I have finished things with him obviously, but I am continuing with the clares law request.

Once she was on the mortgage he hasn't kicked her out. But then most recently (once she was on the mortgage) he found out she had cheated during the relationship and at that stage they were just living under the same roof whilst they worked out who was moving out, and that's when he changed the locks and locked her out. Which he didn't have a right to do.

OP posts:

Fuuuuuckit · 03/12/2022 08:16

Fuck me op.

He's literally told you he's a violent partner. And I'm willing to bet my house that's the least of it.

Even if the Claire's Law comes back clear (they can't tell you unless they've been told, and there are thousands of women who are too scared to report, minimise stuff so don't report, or are so embarrassed they won't report) HE'S TOLD YOU HE IS A VIOLENT PARTNER.

I mean, it could just be bitterness and grudge coming from his ex and your dc's dad, but be prepared for your own trouble - is this new, violent man worth risking seeing your kids over?

beastlyslumber · 03/12/2022 08:44

He's violent and abusive and he has told you this.

Please do not bring a violent and abusive man into your child's life.

Have you broken things off with him? How did he react? I know men like this, they don't tend to go quietly. Is it really over, OP?

Original poster

jasper333 · 03/12/2022 08:47

beastlyslumber · 03/12/2022 08:44

He's violent and abusive and he has told you this.

Please do not bring a violent and abusive man into your child's life.

Have you broken things off with him? How did he react? I know men like this, they don't tend to go quietly. Is it really over, OP?

I've never met or experienced violent/abusive men before luckily.

Yes finished with a clear 'no'. He has contacted me since saying he loves me. Which is ringing alarm bells.

OP posts:

bonzaitree · 03/12/2022 08:51

OP no. Just no.

He is telling you who he is. Believe him!

He is telling you he has turbulent relationships. He is telling you he is violent - trashing te house is violent.

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