New partner previously in toxic relationship

[jasper333]

I have recently started seeing someone, I knew him previously as his ex is a friend of my child's father.

Just before we started talking he had kicked his ex out of the house, due to finding out she was unfaithful during the relationship. They had been sharing the house despite being broken up for a few weeks.

He was very honest about the state of their relationship before they broke up, said that it was volatile and involved him reacting badly and turning the house upside down in fits of temper. He said he had never hit her but had physically removed her from the house (prior to her being on the mortgage) when she refused to leave when he asked her during these arguments.

We kept things quiet during the month of getting to know each other, but my child's father found out and told his ex. Both my child's father and her have contacted me stating that he is a risk to my child and myself.

I have applied using Clare's law for anything that needs disclosing about him, had the face to face meeting yesterday but I know there isn't any DV recorded. I know there is drunk and disorderly (he hasn't drunk for years since that incident).

I'm currently stuck not knowing what to do, in my gut I know that it was a very toxic relationship that they were in and he is hot headed and they weren't right for each other.

I don't see the risk to my child and don't think it's fair that this has been raised.

What are peoples thoughts?

You are doing the right thing ending it. Block him and cease communicating with him.

I think the thing to keep in mind, OP, is that your ideal partner won't be someone you feel the need to do legal checks on, and psychologically healthy people who find themselves in toxic relationships leave. So even if the story he told was true, he's demonstrating to you that he doesn't know how to walk away from a bad relationship, and will stay until it gets really nasty. And that's the best case scenario.

Exactly how many red flags need to be waving directly in front of your face? You have a child to protect, FFS, you'd have to be insane to continue a relationship with this man. Forewarned is fair warned.

Well done. Block his number and don't respond to messages. He should move on quickly as long as you maintain strict no contact.

For future reference: don't fear what he's telling you, fear what he's not telling you.

Good for you for ending it but do not entertain anything like this again.

Why would you want to have anything to do with someone who can't control their temper?

The fact that his ex cheated is not an excuse for trashing a house or manhandling someone out of it.

I would have nothing to do with man like this.

You’ve done the right thing - his response of claiming to love you reply underscores that. It’s not an emotionally healthy way to react to a very short dating experience ending.

Thank you for these responses.

I have broken things off cleanly with him yet he forwarded an email to me which she had sent him where she was having a go about him in general in an angry way and mentioned me too. Saying that he deserves to be hurt etc.

He hasn't contacted her as it's all meant to be going through their solicitors.

Hell no. I wouldn’t take the risk. Why choose this man? Plenty of men out there if you want a relationship without choosing someone that people are warning you about. Listen to their warnings, red flags and alarm bells should be ringing loud and clear

How many red flags do you need? Are you really that desperate you'd expose your children to such a risk? Don't progress this. For their sake.

I'm glad you've broken it off. This is honestly very black and white.

The email makes it worse - he's trying to justify his actions because she's not perfect either. Plus the email is between them so he's trying to humiliate her.

That woman has a lot of hurt to work through. Don't make it worse for her.

Block him everywhere. He's bad bad news.

Yes, he'll likely attempt contact a few more times, more messages, more emails etc etc. Gradually he'll stop when he gets no response.

Well done for ending it.

I had an ex who wouldn’t stop contacting me for months after I ended it.

Eventually I called 101. Police were really nice about it. Don’t hesitate to contact them if he won’t leave you alone now. Don’t feel like you’re making a fuss about nothing because you’re not a

Once she was on the mortgage he hasn't kicked her out.

In my experience wise men leave the home (esp if there are no kids involved) themselves, rather than hauling, pushing, dragging etc women out (which is exactly what happens when someone ejects an arguing, unwilling person from a home, it's not a gentl, civil process) ... With the risk they'll hurt them, even accidentally, and the risk they'll be reported for DV.

They don't have to stay out, just leave the scene of the argument and stay out long enough to insist she moves out (and if necessary use legal means to get her to move out).

I've heard my ex bil describe my sister (married, her name not on mortgage) as "she was out of control and I put her out of the house" to the police (whom he was one of Incidentally).

The reality was that they had an escalating argument after she caught him cheating, he knocked her down over a low table, he dragged her and threw/pushed her out the door, in her bare feet.

That's what "put her out of the house" really meant.

It's not something any sensible man will get involved in.

That is backed up by him admitting he trashed their house too.

All of the issues that have been raised happened between 3 to 5 years ago, since then he said he had realised to walk away from the situations which would have resulted in him losing his cool.

I'm talking to a domestic abuse officer regarding all this but things are still off with this person and not planning on changing that.

Except he kicked her out of their joint home just weeks before you met. She is on the mortgage. She has rights to that house. How did he kick her out? Asked her nicely to leave? That’s not ‘kicked her out’.

He has no right to do that. She probably stayed left due to his previous behaviour. So he is still relying on his previous abusive behaviour to get his own way.

It sounds like you have accepted this is a bad idea and ended things. But can I just add:

if you speak to BIL, he will tell you it was a toxic relationship. He'll probably tell you that SIL was abusive to him. He'll definitely tell you that she had an affair and that he was angry and hurt. He might tell you that while he shouldn't have done certain things, he was just so angry and hurt and she was always shouting at him and abusing him that he just snapped.

You would come away from these conversations thinking that his behaviour wasn't ideal but he was driven to it by a terrible relationship. If you were dating him, yo might think it will be okay because you, of course, would never behave the way she did.

Except: she did not cheat. Ever.
The shouting and yelling and the things she said to him are somewhat true....(and not okay) but they came after years and years and years of him controlling her and guilt tripping her and making it so that she couldn't go out, couldn't have other friends, felt guilty if she worked late.

His "snapping" involved threatening to "bash her head in", locking her in rooms while their DC screamed outside, refusing to pick up their DC from school when she was working and a long list of other things ranging from pushing her out of the way to moving out at one point but then coming in and out in the middle of the night to freak her out.

All things that, no matter the provocation, are never okay.

You've dodged a bullet with this one.

Honestly, to me, any time a prospective date talks of having had a previous 'toxic relationship' and they are still in an angry, blaming, justifying mindset about it rather than able to look back calmly, see their own errors of judgement and poor behaviour and also talk about their ex's behaviour in an emotionally detached way (this doesn't mean agreeing that their ex's behaviour was okay), it's a giant red flag.

If they are actually still engaged in drama with the ex in any way, it's an immediate red stop light.

Sorry this all sounds a bit sudden, and all a bit confusing, so he booted her out and was seeing you.

Do you possibly think this overlapping has caused anger and tension in that house, So basically she has been dumped for you and your ex partners are angry.

Come on you know he's a git, and you're going to bring your child up with this aggresive man, but hey, you got the prize didn't you.

You would be mad to throw your life away for this selfish, abusive man.
We all know what he is, and it's not a victim.

And stop playing into his gaslighting and smear campaign by reading their emails, one day it might be you, he provokes her so she gets angry and sends bad texts/emails, yes we all know what they do.

I supose he doesn't send crappy messages does he, no I'm sure not, no evidence, just ignors her whilst discarding her and using her pain to paint her as a nutter.

Why are you playing along with this, I thought women had more about them than buring into this crap.
He's a bully, she's being shit on, he lies and you are going to make a big mistake if you buy into his lies, which I imagine you want to.

A man who trashes the house is a domestic abuser.

You don't see a risk to your child from a man who smashed up a place, and is drunk and disorderly?

Are you mad?

Get rid of him, he sounds bloody horrible.

I think you've made the right call op, he's been abusive towards his ex and you do not need to be the guinea pig relationship to test if that was a one off or if he actually changed - abusive men rarely do and its worrying he's minimising it (only threw her out before she was on the mortgage/ trashed the house but never hit her/ he's hot headed etc) so I would imagine he still hasn't fully recognised that there's no excuse for his behaviour and that his behaviour was an offence. Definitely steer clear and if it were me I'd have no further contact with him in any capacity.