How would you read this scenario?

[AMelko]

Hi All. To anyone who might take the time to read my thread and offer feedback, thank you in advance.

A little background: I’m early 40s, divorced, and just came out of a LDR about 8 months ago. There is a female that works at a place that I frequent nearly daily (where I work and live is within minutes of her place of work). I knew her from a say hello standpoint for a year or more before we started talking a little more friendly. I always thought she was cute, but since I was in a LDR at the time, the thought of pursuing anything further wasn’t something that I had considered.

Earlier this summer, her and I began to chat more, and this is probably because I started initiating more discussion with her. She always seemed engaged in our discussion and, at times, when I felt as if I was running out of things to say, it seemed as if she would make a point of keeping the conversation going. On one occasion I brought her a coffee. On a separate occasion, I came across a small item at a store that she had mentioned that she was looking for during one of her discussions and I gave that to her as well. In both instances, she seemed both appreciative and receptive. One day, she returned the favor by purchasing my lunch as a thank you.

Sometime shortly thereafter, I was talking with one of her employees and that person mentioned that she has a boyfriend that she lives with. To be clear, I never inquired, and it was just by chance that this was actually mentioned. A part of me was surprised because, despite our numerous conversations, she had never mentioned a boyfriend. Another part of me wasn’t surprised because I always thought she was too pretty and good-natured to be single. In addition to my fear of rejection, my reservations about whether she had a boyfriend or not is actually what kept me from asking her out during this month and a half or so period that we had began to chat more (although I did come close to asking on a couple of occasions). Anyway, shortly after learning this I was talking with her one day and she mentioned that she was about to take a trip. I decided to push a bit and said, “So, it’s just you going?” to which she finally replied that she was going with her boyfriend. From that point forward, I decided to just back off.
IRONICALLY, over the next month or so, I ran into her on several occasions dining alone outside at a nearby café while on her lunch break. Her being there would usually catch me off guard and, often times, what I expected to be a quick hello would turn into 20 mins to an hour of discussion on a variety of topics (family, career, exercise, hobbies, etc.).

Again, she always seemed receptive and engaged in the discussion (and still no further mention of the boyfriend). Shortly after these several encounters, she was out sick for a week and I was traveling more for work. Over the next month or so, our discussion was very limited.

On or around Halloween, our communication picked back up some. Around this time, she mentioned to me that she came across something at a shop that she got for me because it reminded her of a discussion that she and I had (and it was another way of saying thanks again for the couple of things that I had bought her a couple months back). A week or two later she texted me one evening and asked if I would want to meet her outside her work so she could give me this gift (which turned out to be very sweet gift). Her and I ended up talking that night for about an hour.

A few things that I didn’t mention in the above: She always does seems to make a point of smiling and saying hi any time that she sees me. For a while this past summer, it seemed as if her and I would make eye contact frequently even when not speaking direct. Her job is pretty busy so while at work our discussion is usually pretty limited. Without getting into the details, she got my number from someone at one point and on occasion will send me a text (typically humorous little things). I rarely ever initiate the discussion and just leave that in her court. There is a 10 year age gap between us (early 40s, early 30s). Our discussion has always remained above board, so to speak. Nothing sexual. One day we were talking and I complimented her appearance in response to a comment she made. She seemed to appreciate the compliment. One point she said I was built like someone that I think most men would find complimentary in nature.

TL;DR – I like a woman with a boyfriend who on occasion seems like she might like me. Perhaps she doesn’t. Perhaps it’s just in my head and/or she’s just being friendly. To be clear, I don’t intend to pursue a relationship with a woman who has a boyfriend, however; if that scenario ever doesn’t work out, she is definitely someone I am attracted to and would like to get to know better.

I have went back and forth as to whether she sees me as just a friend, or if it’s possible that she might like me beyond that. I would lean toward the former, but I honestly don’t know.

Does this sound like she is just being friendly, or is it possible that it could be more?

Agree with this. One entirely possible reason for her not to mention her boyfriend is that it may not even have occurred to her that you saw yourself as potential boyfriend person. She may have been quick to mention boyfriend if she guessed that’s where your interest lay, but if she absolutely doesn’t see you like that, it might feel weird for her to bring it up. Depends on the person. It’s really really wearing when men you think are friends turn out to have just been hovering in case you’ll go out with them.

Either way - if you actually like her as a friend and would be fine with that, then carry on. Don’t just hover in waiting.

Excellent points.

Women are human beings. We (generally) enjoy human social interaction.

We get REALLY pissed off when men then start to treat us as sexual objects because we've been friendly. So pull your head in @AMelko

This. ‘Good natured’ indeed.

Also, you can usually tell when they describe a woman as ‘a female’… ugh

I agree. It is a waste of time. I appreciate the response.

Thanks Plingston. I don't consider it harsh. This very well may have been just a matter of her enjoying the attention. And if that is the case, she is certainly entitled to do so.

I actually decided to post this question here after viewing 3 relationship forums because 1.) it appeared to me that many of the members here were women and 2.) I actually wanted straightforward, rational advice (even if somewhat harsh or came at my expense)

One of the other forums I viewed appeared to be mostly men posting. And I could tell after reading 4 to 5 threads that if I would have posted this same exact thread there, 95% of the responses would have been geared towards "If she's talking to you and buying you stuff OF COURSE she wants to sleep with you!!". And needless to say, that really wasn't the type of "advice" that I was after. lol

It could well be that she is a little bored in her current relationship ( do you know how long it is) and enjoying the distraction (and could even like you quite a lot) but I probably wouldn’t read any more into it. She has her actual life, you are a fantasy at most. If anything were to happen whilst she is not available it probably wouldn’t be pretty either and certainly not an auspicious start.

Speaking as a woman I'd say this would be a really difficult one to call apart from the gift buying. Thinking about it logically, even if you bought her a gift first, she doesn't need to reciprocate. In fact, when a woman does not want to encourage a man but is maybe a little too 'polite' to say, she might accept your gift, but she wouldn't respond by buying you a gift. That gets the message across. I assume she's not naively assuming you're just mates either? That being the case, I think she must have a soft spot for you, since she bought you a gift @AMelko (what was it?!).

That's a fair question. While I would stop short of saying that she did anything "wrong", I would hope that if I was in a relationship with someone that person would at least casually mention my existence, especially if communicating with someone else repeatedly on a variety of other topics.

She is enjoying the attention you are giving her, which she is not receiving back home from boyfriend. So accept it for what it is, you are giving her a little ego boost and she is having an emotional affair. I would expect however that she will run off in to the sunset together.

Also a lot of people are saying its wrong because they are colleagues, they arent colleagues, she works at somewhere he frequents near his work.

It sounds like a developing friendship but on her part but nothing more. It's anyone's guess as to whether she is attracted to you but it seems clear she's sticking with the boyfriend.

If I were you I'd date someone else and not make too much of a secret of it when talking to her so don't do what she has done and keep it quiet. This will make you happier rather than chasing unavailable women but also doesn't stop you being friends still.

Don't whatever you do carry a torch for her. It's not going to make you more attractive to her.

Sorry @Rainbowcat99 My intent wasn't to objectify her (or any woman for that matter), or minimize one's value because I find them to be pretty and nice. I understand that good-looking, nice people can opt to not be in a relationship. All I meant was someone of her caliber seemed like a "too good to be true" sort of a thing.

And also average looking and slightly bolshy women seem to manage to find partners too. Women don't have to decorate a room or be sweetness and light to be ideal romantic partners. I should know.

lol - I'm not sure how much of this I agree with, but I appreciate your bluntness just the same.

I probably am an "average man", hopefully slightly above, but just because I happen to be attracted to someone does that mean that I have ulterior motives? She is someone that I happen to genuinely like, not just someone that I'm trying to go to bed with and then run.

And I'm not sure how one being attracted to another equates into that person not being safe. I'm sure there are scenarios in this world that exist where that is certainly a possibility, but I assure you this isn't one of them.

For what it's worth, the age difference wasn't planned on my part and I'm not here to feel sorry for myself. I'm just here to seek feedback from others and I appreciate yours.

@Lobelia123 Agree. I certainly don't view her as a villain or a player. She's actually a very nice person.

To reiterate, we aren't colleagues. I think I may have worded my OP poorly and that is why several people continue to suggest this. Generally speaking, I agree that an office romance WOULD be a bad idea. That's not what this is.

I agree that boundaries are important and I do need to let it go. Thanks for your feedback.

@AMelko youve taken all the feedback on the nose and been pretty gracious about it, so good for you. It will all be OK and it sounds like you havent made a complete plank of yourself or embarrassed yourself so its all good. And great to meet good people, work related or otherwise so its never a waste.

@WindyHedges Yes. I agree that a woman can like a man as a person and not be sexually attracted. I have a couple good female friends and my feelings toward them is similar.

lol - Noted and agreed, @ImJustMadAboutSaffron.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with being single by choice. Probably a poor choice of words on my part. I was just trying to convey that her availability seemed too good to be true. It was intended to be a compliment, not a disparaging remark.

Generally speaking, I don't mind the single life. I don't have online profiles and I don't go out of my way to date. Between work and being a single parent, my life is pretty busy.

Thanks @MysteriesOfTheOrganism. I think that's what I'm accustomed to seeing as well. Because I single parent, I interact with a lot of "moms" and it seems very commonplace for them to mention their husbands in conversation. "So and so is at work," "So and so did this with the kids", So and so and I went here last night".

Now, the woman that I am speaking of has never been married, nor does she have kids, but her and I had enough extended conversations about a variety of topics to include: her parents, her cat, a girl's trip that she planned to take, hobbies, career, exercise, etc., etc., that it just seemed a little surprising to me that the boyfriend was never referenced somewhere in all of this.

No worries, @CheeseIsMyPatronus . I understand that this sort of thing can happen. Unfortunately, because some opt to be classless it can result in others being stereotyped. I totally get it.

I did think it was humorous that you told me to "Get a grip, ffs". That's probably sound advice to hear on occasion even if one doesn't have malicious intent! lol

The above.

I’m a woman, I’m a social being, I have male friends, acquaintances and male colleagues who I get along with (that includes going for lunches and buying them a coffee), that doesn’t mean I want to shag any of them. OP, take this for what it is, a friendly acquaintance, do not ask her out or hit on her because she will feel uncomfortable and it’s akward.

Noted, @Talipesmum. Maybe her reason for not mentioning the boyfriend was because she didn't see me as such. I suppose that is certainly a possibility. Like I said, other than paying her 1 or 2 small compliments (and only in response to relevant topics) I don't think I am an overly assuming or pushy person by nature. As mentioned, even the vast majority of our texting was because she initiated.

My sole intent of posting this here was because I really couldn't tell if this was just friendly, or if perhaps she might be interested in more. The feedback has been appreciated.

I have no intention to hover in waiting and I am certainly willing to be her friend, regardless.

Sorry @Babewhat . I did not know that "female" could have a negative connotation. Not intended on my part. Noted and thanks for your feedback.

I don't know anything about her boyfriend or the duration of their relationship other than (ironically) she met him through her work (and this was told to me by the co-worker who initially told me that she had a boyfriend). Probably already apparent, but they no longer work at the same location.

To be completely honest, I think you should look elsewhere if you'd like to meet a girlfriend. I get the distinct impression this woman is enjoying the attention and deliberately declined to mention her boyfriend. Swapping trinkets, buying each other lunch, finding your phone number and complimenting you sounds a bit more than just a casual friendship developing and you're quite right, partners do crop up in conversation quite naturally. She would've seen the signs that you were interested and could have made it known that she has a partner. No reason not to have a chat now and again, but don't allow this to confuse you any longer or take up any more energy.

Perhaps unlike you she believes that men and women can just be friends