Navigating Ethical Non-Monogamy

[KillingEevee]

I know it’s not everyone’s cup of tea on MN, but hopefully those who are successfully navigating it can offer some advice.

I’m in the early days of exploring additional relationships (married to a man, additional relationships are with women), but struggling a bit with some of the feelings around it.

Is there a friendly community somewhere of those in ENM relationships who might offer advice? Or can anyone recommend a therapist that specialises in helping those in relationships like this?

Fair trade fucks only?! 😂

A therapist?

Dr Nicole LePera aka the.holistic.psychologist on Instagram. I believe she is in a polyamorous relationship herself, take a look at her work.

Good shout @jaffacakesareevil

OP follow some of the ENM hashtags on Instagram and have a good look around.

You will very likely connect with people who can recommend an ENM informed therapist but also you may get chatting about your feelings with them too.

You might find that just as beneficial and hopefully you aren’t seeking therapy because you feel like you’re doing something “wrong”?

❤️

Thanks @jaffacakesareevil and @Lookingoutside ill have a root around on Instagram.

No, I don’t necessarily feel I’m doing anything wrong, and things with my husband are great. I’m just struggling with processing some of the feelings in an additional relationship, and it’s hard to speak about in real life!

I’m early days navigating ENM too @KillingEevee (boyfriend and FWB, both know of the other) and agree navigating feelings around it is hard.

My therapist has been non-judgmental and helpful but I find with friends it’s hard to open up and discuss - there is a sense that they don’t mind listening to me talk about my boyfriend but if there’s any hint of issue with the FWB (it’s not a romantic connection but one with great mutual affection and sometimes difficult feelings arise) I find it hard to open up. I also experience some guilt although am being open. So - I can’t offer much on top of what’s already been suggested (also try TikTok - plus there are some polyamory support groups on FB) but do empathise.

I found this book really helpful!

Thanks for this recommendation. I’ve started reading it and it’s very interesting.

On the social network FetLife there are groups and forums dedicated to polyamory or whatever other form of non monogamy you practice. FetLife is mostly for people with an interest in BDSM/fetish however it's perfectly acceptable to join just to discuss ENM.
In terms of books, the most famous is "The ethical slut". Plenty of good information in it.

Ah brilliant! I found it very interesting too! And helpful!

yawn every few weeks there's a similar thread on here with different usernames, basically saying the same thing, woman in apparently happy relationship wants to seek out female partners.. just cant help it.. no we're happy.. he's fine with it.. blah blah.. just do it or don't do it and stop writing multiple posts as click bait. Why people get into relationships or stay together when they 'need' to sleep around is mind-numbing to me, and its all dressed up as something progressive.. when its really not.

That’s an interesting post @Snowwhitehair . Every day there are multiple threads on here, by people with different usernames, all with very similar experiences 🤔, that doesn’t invalidate the thoughts those people have, the help they need or the relationships they’re in though.

Im sorry you’re not open minded enough to see how non-monogamy works for some people. Maybe just don’t read these threads?

Hi OP.

I've been through similar to you and have been in ENM relationships.

For me, in the end, it didn't work out. It was just too complex for me to navigate and I have now (like 10 years later) moved into a monogamous relationship and am happier. My mental health suffered greatly, but that may have been because ultimately it wasn't what I wanted but was something I had to explore.

You need three (or more) people who are incredibly emotionally mature, respect one another and line up in their needs and desires. There's a lot of compromise involved, and it can impact some people more than others. It's difficult to get balance. Truly balanced, respectful, intimate relationships are difficult to achieve with two people - with three plus - honestly - it's almost impossible.

That isn't to say you shouldn't explore it (or that the people saying it never works are right!) - you absolutely should do it if you feel it's right for you.

But it is nothing if not complex. You will be challenged on so many levels and you need a good therapist to see you through it. That is the only thing I would say - if I could go back, and if I could afford it, I would get a therapist right at the start.

Good luck.

Yawn indeed @Snowwhitehair - maybe go elsewhere for your Mumsnet content?

@waddledee I think you’re right about the complexity of it ultimately being an issue. I met a guy recently who had been ENM for years and said he had had his world fall apart when not long before his partner had finished things between them - the impact on his previously happy marriage had been devastating as he was so upset by the end of the other relationship. From my own small experience it’s fine when things are fine but really hard to contain difficult feelings or feel as though you can sensitively express them.

Yes. I have to say, over the last 10-15 years I have known a few people in ENM relationships - including myself - and I personally haven't known any that haven't ended painfully. Doesn't mean that people didn't get a lot of joy out of them as well, in the good times, I certainly did.

I have a lot of respect for a lot of the people involved because they tend to be very sensitive, emotionally available and mature people trying really hard to navigate some complex dynamics. But at the end of the day, it's a very challenging thing. It's hard to maintain that level of emotional intensity for most people, I think, and very hard to ensure everybody is feeling loved up and happy, even if they're all doing their best to get a handle on jealousy and support one another.

I guess it's something I'm glad I tried, but personally I know now that I need monogamy.

Isn’t it much more likely there are multiple people with a similar question, snowwhitehair? There are plenty of people replying. Your commment is rather like going on style and beauty and posting ‘yawn, every few weeks there’s a post on sequinned skirts’. Perhaps just move on if the thread isn’t for you?

This is interesting to me @KillingEevee are you establishing multiple relationships of equal status or just free to do something ‘on the side’, so to speak? Apologies if that’s the wrong terminology! Is there something specific you’re struggling with?

@Snowwhitehair I agree.
I don't know why you'd choose MN of all places to post about this. Why aren't you posting about it in the more obvious places? And no I won't name them because they are easily found on Google.

@Guakamolly @Snowwhitehair
ENM isn’t for you, that’s fine. But surely your empathy extends beyond your own situation and you can allow others to discuss their own situations? This is the Relationship board, it’s a perfectly logical place to talk about ENM.

@KillingEevee I can’t recommend a friendly community I’m afraid, I’d love to find one. Both myself, DH, and DH and I as a couple, talked to therapists before and right at the start of us tentatively dipping our toes in the ENM water. I don’t think you need a therapist with this as a specialism per se, just a therapist that you find you click with, who makes you think, and challenges you but gives you the space to come to your own conclusions. This is just a matter of trial and error.

ENM isn’t a one way decision. You can change your mind, take a break, whenever it’s needed, or for good, if that’s for the best.

Reddit has a poly forum - might be worth checking out

Mumsnet Relationships board “of all places”?

What, an active forum frequented by thousands of adult women posting about their various relationship issues, whether they be gay or straight, single, divorced, widowed or married, monogamous, celibate, or….. <gasp> openly and with everyone’s consent having more than one partner? Whatever next!

@waddledee that's a really honest balanced post and I agree if embarking on enm those involved do need emotional maturity for such a complex situation, and a lot of trust and respect for each other to be honest and open. The whole conversation takes maturity.

When you say that if you could go back and afford therapy first, what do you feel that therapy would have done to change the outcome for you? Do you think talking about it could have been enough for you to express your feelings and not take any action, or do you feel that therapy could have helped you do things differently?

It's an interesting topic and not a one size fits all, it's quite difficult to have these conversations and also knowing who to have them with.

Thanks so much to those that have shared genuine responses, I’ve found them really helpful.

I guess in looking for a therapist, I just want someone who is open to and understanding of diverse relationships (which as we know from MN, not everyone believes in!)

And the things I want to discuss are probably things that in my het relationships I would have chatted to friends about, but that’s harder to do when no one knows about your current situation.

I can sometimes talk myself round in circles, so having someone I can ‘sense check’ things with I would find really useful. I’ve been on mumsnet for about 15 years, and this is the first time I’ve mentioned this topic, because I know it doesn’t go down well!! So really a MN topic on diverse relationships would be perfect, but one where narrow minded individuals didn’t feel the need to cast judgement ideally!

It’s an evolving thing to be honest. The original boundaries were that I was free to meet other women for sex (my husband is free to do the same, or meet men, but after a little time exploring OLD he decided it was too much effort and he has other things he wanted to spend his time on instead!).

And in the time I have been seeing other women, I know that I much prefer those I have a genuine connection with, rather than just ONS. But DH and I have regular check-in sessions about what’s going on and to make sure we’re both still happy.