It’s happening, need a handhold pls

[lemmeavabru]

I’ve posted on here on and off about my relationship issues. Last post was in February. I don’t know how to link the thread.
After 25 years, I’m doing it. I asked him to move out.
Briefly, emotionally and financially abusive with some violence in the past. Didn’t think I could leave because we have kids and a house together.
I was miserable and thought this was the rest of my life.
just made the first move of telling him to move.

Well done, that is a good first step. There will be stumbles along the way but you've got this!

Keep on doing the day you're in, don't try and leap forward, you can't know all the answers. Keep putting one foot in front of the other, you will get where you need to be. Good luck!

As Dory says: Just keep swimming.

Thank you 😊

He's playing mind games now. Doing things around the house and with the kids. Thinking I'll change my mind. It's really annoying because it makes me question my decision. Everything that he's doing, that I did anyway, is making my life slightly easier. But he's only started to do it now! Things like helping with the kids, taking them to school, washing up in the evening. I'd say around 5% or more of what I do. But that 5% has been magnified and the prospect of not having that little bit of help is scaring him.
Basically i won't miss him but the help!
Tell me IBU

This is my previous thread in January for context. Don't know how to create a link
https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/4459652-Controlling-behaviour

Oh, I did create a link! Yay!

You’re right. He’s playing mind games. If you fall for it, and think he’s changed, he’ll be right back to not helping/being abusive as soon as he’s sure you’re letting him stay.

it is really tough.

my exH did exactly the same. The day after I told him I wanted a divorce, he stepped right up and did (without me reminding him) all the things he could ‘never remember’ to do before. He became a hands on dad. He came home in time to see the children.

it was, of course, all a sham. When he finally moved out, it was back to how he had been before. For the most part, I think he was trying to cement his parenting role so he could try to claim he did more parenting, and therefore pay me less child maintenance. It didn’t work. It confused the dc, and they felt worse once he reverted back to his old ways and started virtually ignoring them again.

hold firm. You have done the hard bit. Just keep going now.

With abusive men it's best to leave without letting them know. Leaving can be dangerous. This is the time they will also double down on their manipulation to try and get you to stay.

Well done for taking that step.

Please be careful sweetheart.

You have taken a brave step but an abusive controlling man will not give up that control easily. When he realises that the "nice guy" act isnt working he will revert to type and the nasty will come out, but bigger and nastier.

Pack an emergency bag and keep it safe. All of your and the kids documents, any financial stuff you can get and any keepsakes that you couldnt bear to lose. I know that one is hard but think of it as "You are in a fire and you can save three things...." and pick those things.

Keep that bag away from the house if at all possible. Then change all passwords on your phone/laptop/Social Media/Email....everything. If you have apple phones turn off the cloud thing that updates connected devices and turn off your location finder.

I dont want to scare you but I have seen this play out too many times to think "Oh well, when he knows I mean it he will just go".....HE WONT. He will fight, bully, fight, shout, bully, scare....and that means the kids as well as you. "Mummy is making me leave, you dont want me to leave do you? Its all Mummys fault, I dont want to go, I know you hate mummy making me go...." Been there done that, had the therapy.

Prepare for the worst, hope the best. Always have a plan B and then a plan c...d....e...f....

Thank you everyone.

I'm hoping it will be amicable as much as possible as I've got wider family involved and my siblings and parents say they will support me.
I think it's so easy to yoyo and think am I doing the right thing? Been living like this for 24 years now and I know I need to leave or rather, get him to leave.

I just cannot wait to have the house to ourselves and finally live our own life rather than living around him. Just feel so guilty! He's walking around like a wounded puppy!

Of couse he is Op, it's standard behaviour for these men. He'll soon return to his abusive self when he realises that it's making no difference to you wanting him to leave. Be careful, make sure you have someone with you the day he leaves because he's not going to want to lose control after all this time

Him suddenly stepping up tells you two things:

1. That he is trying to manipulate you.

2. That he could have stepped up all along, but chose not to.

Neither are positive things, just keep reminding yourself that.

That he could have stepped up all along, but chose not to.

This is the big one for me.

All lazy/abusive men do this thinking that it proves that their wives ABVU to leave them.....except that they dont realise that all it proves is that they could have chosen to be supportive, loving and kind and actively decided not to be. It sets in stone their credentials as utter cunts. Ironically, also prove their stupidity despite their belive in their own intelligence.

auto typos

Make sure you get the locks changed, and if you can afford it, have cameras installed externally.

Men like this do not like to let go, and it can get violent. It's the most dangerous time in an abusive relationship, the part where you want and get your freedom.