Controlling behaviour

[lemmeavabru]

I’ve started to journal any controlling behaviour.
It has been restrained for a couple of years but creeps back up which makes me anxious. It might just be that I’m sensitive or quickly triggered.

I’m looking for a term for this type of behaviour. When DH doesn’t like something he becomes quiet. I can sense that there’s something wrong. He then asks questions in an aggressive tone and I find I’m defending myself which is stupid because I haven’t done anything wrong. Then this quiet aggression continues for a few hours, sometimes a few days. He might proceed to become ‘lecturey’ or angry over other things and then may or may not bring up the initial thing.

Like today. A boiler and grants person came to survey the house. We started talking and he came from upstairs, greeted the man and went into the other room. But I knew he was off. As soon as the man stepped outside he came to ask, in an angry tone, what he’s doing here? I explained but then he started to get angry at the kids for being late for the kids.

I can handle myself a lot better and not as anxious as I used to be but it still unnerves me. I’m trying to document it all because over the years I couldn’t articulate that well the impact his behaviour had on me.

Why are you documenting and labelling your partner's controlling behaviour? Whatever it's called, it's not acceptable. Have you talked to him about it? If so, what did he say? If not, what stops you?

Do you want to be controlled and unnerved into the future?

Get rid of this angry arsehole

He's a nasty bastard and your life will be better without him. Who owns the house, can you afford to live apart.

I am working on leaving him eventually, I’m building up the nerve to. It’s not easy.
I’m writing things down so I have evidence, for me mostly, for when or if I make the move

The house is jointly owned.

When we think of abuse we immediately think of physical, but there are all kinds of abuse and often times, like in your case OP, it is so subtle that it cannot even be explained, you just feel it. It is unfortunate that more isn't said and done to educate people about this kind of abuse because a lot of us stay in relationships for too long, or forever, just because we simply cannot explain it and therefore justify the leaving.

I was in a similar relationship myself, where I literally felt abused but just could not put it in words. Even today, after twenty five years of marriage and six months of separation, I still cannot tell you in a few simple words what it was that my ex was doing to me. What I can tell you is this, trust your instincts. Just because you cannot explain it or name it does not mean that the abuse is not there. If you can feel it is real. Just leave, just get out. This changes you, damages you, in so many ways. I am just hoping that the damage is not permanent.

Good luck OP.

Read "Why does he do that?" by Lundy Bancroft. Your H is in those pages.

Controlling behaviour is abusive behaviour and your marriage is over anyway because of the abuse he metes out to you and in turn your children who do and will pick up on this.

Plan your exit with due care and do not delay ending the marriage unduly like in 5 to 10 years time or something. Make the break far sooner than that. Your children will also thank you for doing so.

Find a firm of Solicitors you can work with and learn about where you stand in terms of divorcing him. I would also urge you to contact Womens Aid as they can and will help too. Abuse is not just physical in nature and such types of men merely ramp up the power and control against their chosen target over time. Its not your fault he is like this and you did not drive him into doing this to you either; this is all on him. Have a look also at his parents, chances are one or both of them act the self same.

It will be 25 years for us too next year @freeatlast2021!
I do feel like a shell of my former self.
But what guarantees are there that my life will be any different on my own?
I feel stuck financially, I have a sn child which means I can only work term time school time only. I have kids that are various ages.

Gonna be honest with you op, you're never going to wake up one day and think 'I feel ready to leave now'. It's not going to happen. And no one else is going to save you. And this writing down every instance of controlling behaviour - is procrastination. It's a lie you are telling yourself, that it will magically make you ready to leave when you see it all written down. It won't.

Stop procrastinating, get your shit and get as far away from this monster as possible. Stop waiting. The time is now.

By all means, document the past behaviour. So you have something to look at if you ever have a wobble about taking him back. But right now, take action to leave him. Go!

I detailed my dh’s behaviour too. I started to after a counsellor asked me what he said in an argument and I couldn’t answer. I knew what he did wasn’t right, but I couldn’t put it into words.

First I made a couple of audio recordings of our ‘disagreements’ so I could go over it and actually hear him using the various tactics I’d started to learn about to throw me off topic, get me defending myself, interrupt me, exaggerate, mock, minimise, accuse etc etc until I’d be confused, stressed, guilty and upset with nothing resolved and more damage done.

Then I began writing down the exchanges and naming the tactic, my response (trying to explain, clarify, defend), my ideal response (stop intimidating me), what effect his tactic had on me (stomach tight, breathing shallow, feel like I’m just being difficult) and also what would I expect a kind normal man to have said (oh sorry I misunderstood - did you mean bla bla? Yeah sure no worries) - Wow wouldn’t that be an amazing response.

Time consuming but empowering after years of fog.

But what gets me is that I’m still surprised by his behaviour. I’m still having trouble believing he’ll do it again. I’m still sucked in by the good guy side of him.

I hope you can get out from under and have a life without that malevolence sucking your energy.

Your responses are making me well up!

I’ve got a loo poop y better at handling it now…grey rock…not responding to his baits.

I’ve actually physically separated where we’ve been living in separate rooms for over a year and no intimacy.
But actually leaving him looks sooo difficult.
We keep doing things like renovating the house and now we’re in debt and can’t get out of until a few months.
I’ve even had our house surveyed and thought about selling and buying 2 smaller places. But I know the resistance from him will be so strong. He will make it hard.

Oh my word!
Sorry for the typos

Some things I remember from being in an abusive marriage:
Trying to negotiate an ending wasn’t going to happen —- he veered from I'll kill myself to we'll move away and everything will be ok to I’ll have another drink. He was never going to facilitate an event that meant he was left without my support.
Drawing you into more debt might be a way of keeping you there.
I saw insults as a way to undermine me. I was sensitive about my weight so he picked on that.
There were examples of gaslighting ( though I didn’t know the term then) He ( alcoholic) would be drunk at his work social, then the next day say how embarrassing my drunken behaviour was ( I was the driver getting us home so was stone cold sober) Documenting your husband’s behaviour is a good idea in that you begin to doubt yourself when this sort of crap is coming at you day after day.
But don’t let the task of recording sidetrack you into staying. It’s hard to leave, especially with children and limited finances ( my h had bled me almost dry, I had just enough to rent a place and pay the deposit. Remember living on fresh air until payday)
You will become stronger when you’ve left. It’s a rollercoaster of emotions and not easy but it is possible and will be the best for you and your children, I’m sure.

How can you be helped into leaving your abuser?.

Grey rocking does not work in the long run with controlling men and this can be quite an exhausting process.

Leaving is not easy but again nor is staying with him for your own reasons. Staying will be a lot harder for both you and in turn your children.

He’s not going to let go of you that easily simply because he is abusive. He also does not want to relinquish his level of power and control over you. If you go (and you absolutely should) he would then have to put the work into finding another sap/woman to abuse and he is not wanting to do that because he’s lazy.

You cannot afford to keep on showing your children such a poor and otherwise abusive example of a relationship. You have a choice re this man, they do not. Make better choices.

He needs a loo poop!

It's a form of controlling behaviour.
Rather than say he is jealous that you chatted comfortably with another man, he finds subtle ways to create an atmosphere.
It has the bonus of him claiming he has no idea what you're talking about if you confront him.

He sounds highly abusive.

Please contact Women's aid to talk through how you feel, your options, and hear their advice.

You are not alone.
Keep posting.

We’ve semi separated too in that now he lives in a separate self contained unit attached to the house. And although it’s untold better than living together he’s still there and we still interact, which is good and bad.

It works for him as he has my distant companionship but without as many arguments. The jury is still out for me. I’m thinking not but haven’t decided.

I don’t know what to suggest to you op. To get to where I am now I gathered information: about his behaviour, my responses and vulnerabilities (eg I won’t have anyone in my corner when I get older),
finances, built up my friendships (we used to often visit them together- that stopped), read Lundy Bancroft “why does he do that” and am working through his book “should I stay or should I go?”, got counselling.

I don’t have kids that are being damaged by him. But I am. So I have a deadline too.

Someone on another thread said she asked herself ‘is this what I want my life to be like in 5 years?’

I’ve even had our house surveyed and thought about selling and buying 2 smaller places. But I know the resistance from him will be so strong. He will make it hard.

Well done OP.
He can resist, but he cannot prevent the sale, & when he gets arsey, you won't need to deal with him, your solicitor will just send a letter telling him - in legalese - not to be ridiculous.

Of course it is going to be difficult co-habiting while you sell. But it will also be the final phase before you winning your freedom, & a life for you & DC without his nasty moods, corrections, & stonewalling.

Do you have people who are safe to ask for recommendations to a really excellent divorce solicitor? You will be able to ask to defer costs until house the sale goes through (give a junior associate the conveyancing so they know you mean business). But you need an experienced expert on Team You to ensure you are not bullied out of your rightful share of the assets. As you are main childcare for the DC, including your SN child, you may be entitled to more than you initially think.

Explore this with a good solicitor before any communication with DH about it. And please also get in touch with WA as PP suggested - you need some real life support from professionals as you work through your next steps.

But what guarantees are there that my life will be any different on my own?

Your freedom is a guarantee that you never need tolerate a controlling man in your house ever again, & that you can now make a happy & relaxed home for you & DC.

It's a type of emotional abuse coming from him having anger issues which may come from many places such as a previous bad relationship or childhood stuff. Doesn't justify it though.

I have experience with this. I got myself involved with someone for over a year who just used to lash out verbally and it was extremely difficult being in that situation. I was not allowed to express myself freely and he'd always blame me for the way I approached a subject etc.

He just had so much drama in his past and was bitter and not over his ex.

I think you should put yourself first now and walk away. It's a horrible way to live. I goy sorter good at smoothing it over and standing up to him. But it's unattractive and hard to be around.

Thank you!

I’ve woken up to lovely responses. I’ll try and post as much as I can.

Yesterday he was in a mood all evening but I ignored. Now he’s gone off to work so I’m a little relaxed.

Yes @RobertSmithsLipstick he is jealous. But he also doesn’t not trust me with finances. He doesn’t not like me talking to any tradesman. Years ago, I was pregnant and there was sewage leaking from the outside gutter. I pestered him for days to get someone. Eventually I said I’d go through the phone directory and call someone myself. He had the most catastrophic fit. Yelling and screaming that I don’t care about money. Even violently yanking the skybox from the cords saying this is an extra cost.

That time something inside me snapped and I found the energy to throw him out of the house. But then he came skulking back and I let him. But the idea of calling a tradesman or doing anything to the car or house makes me doubt myself. For many years I believed that I wasn’t any good with finances and he’s better.

He always made a point about going into detail about how he found the best deal! Even the house renovation. I do believe he saved some money but it came at a cost of shaming me whenever I tempted to get a quote from Wren’s for example. He would sulk about how expensive it was, even though it was half price and an additional 10%. He went with a local trader who messed us about with materials which meant we were homeless for an extra month or too(we were staying at my mum’s).

Come to think of it, he did this throughout. In the event of saving a grand he went with a cheaper builder who then took months rather than weeks, because he has multiple contracts. DH had left work to supervise the building which meant he didn’t work which meant no money! I’m not saying this is controlling but an example of control where he thinks he’s doing the best job when actually he probably isn’t.

All the builders left on bad terms with him. OK one or two probably weren’t the best, but it makes me think…

I couldn’t say too much because then I’m being ungrateful and I also had the fear that he’d delay on purpose.

Honestly, writing all this down is making me realise how I’ve been feeling during the build.
He’s almost saying I’m the best and appreciative me. And when something goes wrong it couldn’t possibly be him but everyone else.

I don’t know if I’m making sense now lol!

Oh no! More typos

This is so fucked.

Just leave.

You don't even need a reason.

Lemme, rest assured, you are making perfect sense :)

I'm going to make a blunt observation on the back of your latest update:
But the idea of calling a tradesman or doing anything to the car or house makes me doubt myself. For many years I believed that I wasn’t any good with finances and he’s better.

Your posting style, despite the distress you've been handling, is clear, calm & measured. You sound like a smart woman who maybe doesn't say a lot (why bother, if you are only going to get 'corrected'?) ... but doesn't miss anything.
Unlike your micromanaging cheapskate husband, I suspect that you have the wherewithal to talk to tradesmen, negotiate discounts, stay on top of timescales etc ... in short, you'd have made a MUCH better Site Manager than your husband ...

This isn't a passing observation.
It's a declaration that - no matter how difficult & overwhelming the thought of it can be - you have the life skills to make a happy, productive & sane life if you choose to end your marriage.

Of course your confidence has been knocked. Anybody's confidence would suffer from your husband's particular ministrations. But your resilience & capability is just shining out of your posts.

So don't allow self-doubt to be your husband's final 'gift' to you.
It's never as simple as "LTB!!" - but, step by step, if that's what you want, you have the ability to make it happen. Please keep posting, you are not alone, & many PP's have experienced some of what you have to cope with.