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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Can I destroy my daughter’s world again?

50 replies

laurah8920 · 29/11/2022 13:29

Ok so long story short, I’ve been with husband 16 years! 2 girls age 11 and 13. Over the years theres been many indiscretions on his part, and one affair which I forgave, fast forward 4 years to last year he left me out of the blue and was gone for 9 months. I was finally starting to move on when he came back and wanted me back and I stupidly took him back! Now 6 months on I’ve just found out he’s been messaging someone else and she’s then messaged me to let me know. Now Im not terribly unhappy he’s a good man to me day to day and never shouts or gets angry at me but instead cries and plays the poor me card when he’s caught doing anything wrong. The thing is my 2 daughters are so happy to have dad home and as far as they are aware we are very happy as we don’t argue. How do I destroy their world again and kick him out ! How do I take the humiliation of people knowing it didn’t work out? I know people will say it’s my fault for taking him back, but honestly it just seemed like the right thing to do! I’ve been with him longer than I’ve not I met him at 16 he’s all I’ve ever known. Please be kind!

OP posts:

Badger1970 · 29/11/2022 13:35

You show your daughters what a Mum who doesn't stand any shit from men looks like. The way you're going, you're going to see them in the exact same type of relationships as that to them will be normal. They deserve better, and so do you. Stop being his doormat, and kick him out the door. They'll be sad but they'll survive.

My Mum took my Dad back time after time when he was unfaithful. It really messed with my head and it took me years to be brave enough to get into a serious relationship. I'm not saying that to make you feel bad, but this will be impacting on them. He's not a great Dad when he's doing this to you.

olivehater · 29/11/2022 13:37

As someone with a father like your husband and a mother who took him back over and over I would say get rid of him now whilst you are still young and still have some self respect. I knew about a lot of the affairs anyway and had no respect for her staying with him.
I watched my mother wither into a shadow of her former self and when he finally left her years down the line I had to pick up the pieces. She by then was too old ( in her mind) to start again. So she has never had another relationship.

HermioneWeasley · 29/11/2022 13:40

You’re not upending their lives - their dick led father is. Role model self respect for your daughters and kick him out. If he’s a decent father they’ll still see him and have a relationship with him.

Dartmoorcheffy · 29/11/2022 13:41

Your daughters are old enough now to understand that it's their father who is responsible for breaking up their family not you.

Show them that you are not a doormat and let them see you are worth more than this and deserve happiness.

PeekAtYou · 29/11/2022 13:41

Whether you like it or not, you are a relationship role model to your DDs. It's fine that you took him back but you need to do the right thing now that you know that it's a mistake.

PeekAtYou · 29/11/2022 13:42

Remember that this is not your fault. You gave him a chance and he fucked it up again.

AriettyHomily · 29/11/2022 13:44

Do you want your daughters to repeat the pattern, because they will? Get rid of him for good.

Smooshface · 29/11/2022 13:45

Make him explain to them why he is leaving. This isn't your fault.

Willowswood · 29/11/2022 13:45

Oh dear. Sorry to say but you've already shown your daughters such weakness. I'm not sure how you can fix this.

MzHz · 29/11/2022 13:47

What’s your h going to do when men treat your Dds the way he’s treating you?

HE is their example of what a man is. Is this what you want for them?

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 29/11/2022 13:48

Did he disappear out of the kids lives last time you split? Also did he break the news to them?

StarDolphins · 29/11/2022 13:49

If I were in your position, I’d be skipping out that door. Unforgivable on so many levels. Do you want your DD’s to be treated like this by their future husbands? Teach them to have high self-worth & to be treated with love & respect by leaving & telling them why. Don’t ever look back.

Hoppinggreen · 29/11/2022 13:50

The fact that you think it’s great he doesn’t shout at you is really sad. That’s pretty much a basic standard.
Also, you aren’t destroying anything and you never have - it’s Mr “can’t keep it in his pants” that has caused all of this

pointythings · 29/11/2022 13:51

Teach your DDs that women are not doormats who depend on men, and that if your partner cheats on you, it's OK to say game over and leave. Teach them self esteem. And please work on your own self esteem because you deserve a good relationship with someone who respects you.

PinkPlantCase · 29/11/2022 13:52

You will likely do more harm to your daughters by staying than leaving.

This is not setting them a good example of the kind of behaviour women should accept and expect from men.

The instability of it all aswell is surely bad for you all, him leaving one minute then back the next I don’t see how you have any assurances that he won’t do it again as he has clearly shown himself to a cheat.

He is not a good husband, you deserve someone who makes you happy, who brings out the best in you and who you actively enjoy travelling their life with.

barskits · 29/11/2022 13:55

They are old enough to know why you are kicking the good-for-nothing bastard out again. Tell them that their dad has been kissing and cuddling with other ladies, and you are really upset. Tell him that he did it once before and you forgave him which is why he came home, but now you have found out that he is doing it again, and betrayed you all. Tell them that it is 100% his fault.

Sorry, but sometimes I really think that kids should know these things.

Evasmissingletter · 29/11/2022 14:00

the best thing you can be for your children is a strong confidence woman who has boundaries. This is his doing, you have nothing to feel humiliated about. He can still have a good relationship with his children if he wants… there is nothing stopping him doing that. What needs to stop is him treating you like you and your feelings don’t matter.

BusySittingDown · 29/11/2022 14:04

I'm so sorry that you are going through this!

YOU are not destroying your DD's world, HE is! You deserve so much better and your DDs deserve to see what a healthy relationship is and see a mother who takes no shit from a bloke who thinks with his dick.

Bless your heart, you deserve to be happy. I really hope you get through this and in the future realise how much happier you are without him.

He is a prick of the highest order!

Bluebellsand · 29/11/2022 14:23

I'm sorry you are going through this op.

You were brave to trust him before. With the information you had at that time, you decided to forgive. Which is a hard thing to do. Now, it is time to forgive yourself. It is not your fault for forgiving him, but the blame is on him for betraying you again.

MiniatureSchnauzerEyeBrows · 29/11/2022 14:23

Hand hand. I think you know what to do. You survived once without the test you can survive again. Hee manipulative. In the end he will destroy you and your girls. Do what’s best for them even if it’ll hurt.

Mariposista · 29/11/2022 14:34

Get rid of him. Otherwise the only message you are giving to your girls is that it's OK for a man to take them for an absolute mug.

Greyskyblue · 29/11/2022 14:43

You tell your daughters the truth. Dad is having another affair and you are not putting up with it anymore and he told you a pack of lies when he came back last time.

He left his daughters for sex previously. He has chosen this path and split up your family.

Original poster

laurah8920 · 29/11/2022 14:46

I don’t believe I have, I believe you be shown them what forgiveness and understanding looks like they have no idea about his affair or anything else all they know about is when he left and I took him back.

OP posts:

Original poster

laurah8920 · 29/11/2022 14:48

No he was very much a part of their lives while we were separated. Yes he did I made him tell them.

OP posts:

pointythings · 29/11/2022 14:49

You forgave him and took him back - and now he's cheating again. Your daughters are young teens, they aren't stupid. Even if you don't tell them, they will find out what has really happened - and then resent you for not being honest with them.

Your husband is a serial cheat. Give him some consequences.

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